Recent Government policies explained

Having trouble understanding some recently announced recession-busting policies. Say goodbye to policy-mystification misery with Constantly Furious' easy guide.

Scrappage : in exchange for having your old car or van scrapped you will receive a £2000 discount against a brand new vehicle, first registered to you. The government contributes £1000 and the manufacturer contributes the other £1000.

Cribbage: in exchange for being to old to stand the excitement of dominoes, you will get to sit in the corner of the saloon bar sipping mild ale;

Cabbage: in exchange for eating this bland yet unpleasant vegetable, you will receive 24 hours of foul smelling wind;

Baggage: in exchange for wanting to take more than just the clothes you're standing in on holiday, you will have your wallet emptied by Ryanair;

Babbage: in exchange for inventing the first computer, you will have endless cats, hamsters and file servers named after you by witty Computer Science undergraduates;

Cradle cappage: in exchange for picking flaking skin from your baby's head with your fingernails, you will receive a stinging slap from your spouse (warning: this can happen);

Scattage: in exchange for the money for your next fix of crack, you will have German men poo on you.


Hope that clears things up...