Black, then White, then Brown Bread...

Seems that Michael 'wacko' Jackson, having recently taken a big chunk of money from the great 'n' gullible British public for an upcoming series of shows at the o2, has only gone and upped and snuffed it.

Yup, the poor sod is D-E-A-D, pronounced 'dead'.

The BBC obituary is up already. Pre-prepared, chaps?

Surely Gordon Brown's can't be far behind? Prepared by his spin doctors, in the Blair stylee: "..he was truly the .. [sniff] .. peoples' paedophile.."

That's bad, that's bad. That's really, really bad..

Expect some piss-poor jokes (like the above) over the next few days. Please? Put 'em in the comments below, if you would.

Expect clogged phonelines tomorrow, as tens of thousands try to recover
their cash.

Extra tough shit if you bought your tickets from some dodgy geezer on
eBay, eh?

Oh, yeah, and expect some cracking obituaries: you know, stuff about "changed the face of popular music", "changed the face of self" etc. etc. CF can hardly wait



At last - the word is used

CF knows a little about Parliamentary convention (unlike NuSpeaker Bercow, wigless, robeless and charmless on his first day in the big seat).

And he knows that, whilst in the House, one Hon. member may not accuse another Hon. Member of "'lying'. Perish the thought.

However, the Tories seem to have let that historical barrier prevent them from ever hinting that Gordon Brown was somewhat less than honest in any circumstances, anywhere.

But at last, someone in the Tory bunker has peered into his (or her) undies and been delighted to notice that, overnight, they've grown a pair.

Leading to this video, which pushes the old boundaries a long, long way:

Lies, lies, lies, lies. CF is no Tory, but is fucking delighted to finally see Brown being called what he is and has always been: a liar.

Hat-tip to, well pretty much everybody. This is going viral at high speed.


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Out of "Order"?

So, Bumptious Bercow's first PMQ's. The new boy will have wanted to make his mark, in the Chamber and - far more importantly to him - on the Telly.

How's he shaping up as Speaker so far? Some traditions have been dispensed with:

GONE: the wigs, tights and other comedy attire. Shame really. The Mother of all Parliaments being run by a man dressed like the manager of PC World.

GONE: the Glaswegian accent: won't miss that much;

GONE: the stuttering; "O-O-O-O-O-Order", and the perpetually puce visage. At least Bercow looked like he might live to end of the session without succumbing to a massive stroke.

However, CF was dismayed to notice that many traditions have been carried over fully intact.

RETAINED: the fucking brass neck to take responsibility for MP's expenses whilst being right at the fucking top of the Premier League of Troughers for about 5 years running.

RETAINED: the blind eye turned to Labours habit of announcing policy on the Today programme, the Word at One or CBeebies. Bercow was going to put a stop to this, but has he bollocked boastful Brown? Nope.

RETAINED: the total fucking inability to make Prime Minister's Questions into, well, Prime Minister's fucking Questions. This is supposed to be a session where MP's can ask the Prime Minister .. questions. Not a forum for the PM to reel off Tractor Statistics and shout slogans like an autistic toddler. The nation would have been mightily impressed if Bercow had, just once, gently pointed out to Broon that he had - ahem - "..not answered the question put to him". Fat fucking chance.

RETAINED: Punch 'n' Judy. Thought you were getting rid of that? Cat got your tongue?

And Bercow has bought something new to the proceedings:

NEW: blatant playing to the cameras. "The public don't like it, and nor do I". CF fully expected him to turn to camera 1 and wink lavishly after each of his crowd-pleasing statements.

Not the best possible start for a "new broom" reformer, eh? In the grand Iain Dale-esqe tradition of giving marks out of 10 to the particpants:

NuSpeaker Bercow: my boy, what are PMQ's for? And did that happen today? No. : 4
Gordon Brown: "I am not wrong" (oh but you are), floundering, extra points deducted for lying: 3
David Cameron: not a bad attack this week: 6
Nick Clegg: "reverse gear": nice one, but failed to follow through: 5
The public: did not attend.


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Bercow bollocking boastful Brown?

Gordon Brown, the Labour party's very own Billy Liar, has just been on Radio 4's World at One describing 'his' (think of it all by yourself, did you?) plans for an Independent Audit body and various other platitudinous guff.

He's promised (as if his promises were worth anything) a "root and branch" reform of Parliament: the government is to outline new laws to regulate MPs troughing and general conduct. Apparently, there'll be legislation to set up an external body to authorise future expenses claims and to discipline naughty MPs.

According to the Preacher's boy, Parliament will no longer be able to determine MPs' allowances: responsibility for the system will be transferred from the fuckwitted Fees Office to an independent body.

As boastful as he is dishonest, Brown told a presumably smiling, nodding and drooling BBC interviewer that this is "the biggest ever reform of Parliament". Yeah, and this is the biggest ever fucking stable door we're closing. Where's the horse?

And hang on a fucking minute. Isn't this stuff exactly what Hattie Harperson is due to announce in a Statement this afternoon?

So McBroon, for short-term personal advantage, has waddled down to Broadcasting House and pre-announced matters that are to be formally announced in the House of Commons. What will the Speaker think of that?

Lifting his head briefly from the trough, in his recent 'personal political broadcast' on ePolitix, NuSpeaker Bercow said:

"Parliament needs to control the government and that means that in terms of the parliamentary timetable, it shouldn't just be determined by the business managers .. [we will] ensure a decent spread of business and use of parliamentary time and opportunities for backbenchers across the whole of the parliamentary week"

To 'facilitate' this, NuSpeaker Bercow is widely reported as stating firmly that he will very unhappy with ministers who pre-announce on the radio or telly before Parliament, one of the most egregious Labour habits. In fact, to use his own words in the House:

""Once and for all, ministers must be obliged to make key policy statements here.""

This is really only so that he can whore his own smug face 'round the media without having to share the microphone, but ignoring his selfish desire for the limelight, most would agree that the Commons should debate policy before John Humphreys does.

Fellow media-lovin' Tory Iain Dale reminds Bercow that he :

".. should start as he means to go on. The first time a government minister announces a policy on the Today Programme, he should be hauled before the Commons to explain himself. Although he must be given a little time to find his feet, he also needs to send a clear signal that the House is now under new management."

And, in his triumphant post-election interview with the BBC, Bercow was asked outright whether he would be prepared to discipline the prime minister and the leader of the opposition. His answer? "Quite."

So Bercow, my boy, what are you going to do now? Give the big boy a bollocking? Or hide under your new chair?

UPDATE: as is so often the case, great minds think alike: both Paul Waugh at the Evening Standard and Iain Dale at everywhere-you-fucking-look are thinking the same thing. Best pop over and read their versions too: they need the traffic, and CF's happy to share.

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Shat on again

So, we've "democratically" replaced one Labour stooge with another. Yes, yes, the Tories had a vote, but they are in a fucking minority, so this was always going to go the way Labour (well, Mandelson actually) wanted.

Furious at yet another blatant piss-take and abuse of the system. Was about to blog the fury, but realised in time that Obo' the Clown has already summarised perfectly:

"Tonight, Great Britain, the Commons flipped you a great big bird; they dropped their trousers and spread their butt-cheeks at you, and by a margin of 322 to 271, they yelled: "FUCK YOU, YOU LOSER CUNTS!" at the British electorate."

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Late and short

CF didn't blog today, because it was just too predictable and too, too easy.

Two astonishingly pro-Labour stories this weekend, both via the Guardian/Observer, both deserving to be universally attacked and both were, by all and sundry.

Hardly any need for CF to pitch in, really.

A brief summary, for those who couldn't be there:

Story #1) Gordon Brown: "you want to talk about me? OK .. the Tories will tax health at 10%"

Story #2) Gorbals Mick: "Ah was only removed because ah'm no posh"

With such utter, blatant shit like that being peddled by an (allegedly) serious paper like the Grauniad, there's little need for comment.

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A 'Brownlie' uncovered

Gordon Brown is quite happy to just open his mouth, drop his jaw, and let the lies pour out.

Oh yes, he'll say whatever he feels is necessary in the circumstances, blissfully regardless of its veracity. You can tell he's lying when you spot his lips moving.

Most of the time, thanks to supine journalists and a public with the attention span of a teeny tiny kitten, he gets clean away with it.

However, we seem to have something here. Just try to reconcile these fragments from around the web, would you?

From the Daily Telegraph blog of Alex Singleton we get the following:

"A Downing Street staff member, I can reveal, has leaked just how close Gordon Brown and Damian McBride remain."

"Before Mr Brown appeared on the Andrew Marr Show on May 31, he discussed his lines with Mr McBride by text message. This surely puts him at the heart of Gordon Brown's inner circle."

In 'The Scotsman', a story on the 14th of June, entitled McBride 'back working for Government' has this:

"Just weeks after McBride was forced to resign after writing an e-mail suggesting that Conservative leaders be smeared, insiders say the former special adviser is actively working for ministers again ... one respected party figure said that while the former adviser was not working at Number 10, he was engaged in informal briefings once again."

And in the Hansard coverage of PMQ's this Wednesday, we read:

Mr. Lee Scott (Ilford, North) (Con): Will the Prime Minister tell the House whether the Government have received any informal briefings from Damian McBride?

The Prime Minister: I have not.

The smell you can smell, people, is that of burning pants..

(Hat-tip to 'Mark Reckons')
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Here's ## #### on the #########

What's that noise?

All morning, CF has been able to hear a faint swishing noise, followed by a soft 'thud'. No matter where CF goes on the internet, or which paper he picks up, or whch television channel he switches to, CF is unable to escape the sound. What could it be?

Ah! That's it! Its the sound of thousands of bloggers, journalists and reporters frantically flogging a dead horse. The former steeplechase champion, and winner of the Daily Telegraph Circulation Gold Cup, 'MP's expenses'.

For fuck's sake. Come on, guys. The information that's been released today is a drastically censored version of what the Telegraph has had for fucking weeks. Do you really think there's any meat left on the bones?

As we've said before, by all means spend a happy morning cavorting about in your local (or your least favourite) MP's metaphorical dustbins, but don't pretend its a substitute for holding this woeful fucking government to account.

Don't forget, while you're smoothing out the crumpled receipts over a coffee and a hobnob, Gordon Brown is still Prime Minister, and is busy churning out blatant lies about his spending plans, Shahid Malik is still in a job, despite thinking that Muslim's Don't Do Direct Debits, and the Labour government, currently the exclusive property of the Lord High Mandelson, are planning to enshrine their misguided policies and distorted 'val-hues' in LAW.

Isn't that a bit more fucking important the the Rt. Hons. toilet paper?

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Advice for Ahmadinejad

Watching the chaos unfolding in Iran, CF feels sure that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is in dire need of some friendly advice. After all, its all gone wrong for the poor chap. Nobody seems to want him to be President. Infuriating, especially after his helpers sat up all night filling in those voting forms.

Well, Mahmoud, CF has some advice for you. We're used to these temporary glitches here in Great Britain, and we've got a whole raft of measures to circumvent the tiresome nonsense.

So, Mahmoud, here's what you need to do, in easy step-by-step form. You might want to print this out and pin in on the wall of your bunker.

  • Firstly, don't worry about the tens of thousands of people protesting in the streets. They can be safely ignored. After all, they've had a chance to vote haven't they? And they'll probably get another one, one day. In the meantime, just pull the curtains, turn up the music and press on. Nobody ever got anywhere listening to public opinion.
  • Secondly, you need some good people around you now. Go through your address book - all the people you remember were helpful. Don't worry if they've disgraced themselves in the past - bring 'em back. If they’re not actually in prison, invite ‘em over. Remember, you don't care what the public think, and it'll be nice to have the old team together.
  • And Mahmoud, instead of arresting members of the press, get them on side. Offer them a job. Actually, better still, not actual journalists: get hold of people who really want to be journalists, but just don't have the talent. Use some of the money you raise in taxes to pay them a huge salary to work for you, and you alone. But don't worry about having them talk up you and your policies - just let them concentrate on smearing your opposition. They don't have to waste time digging for dirt - encourage them to make something up. Perhaps they could invent some stories about the mental health of someone’s wife? A word of warning; once these "spinners" are on board, keep well away from them as they weave their dirty lies: you don't want people saying you condoned this sort of disgusting behaviour, do you?
  • And back to that that team-building - get as many people as you can close to you. Don't waste your time on elected colleagues - they've got their own agenda, and their own constituents to answer to. No, pick people who are famous, and preferably popular with the public - why not get some people off the telly?
  • Mahmoud, you must make sure that you and your colleagues never appear on a radio or a television programme without heaping abuse on Mir Hossein Mousavi and his party. Repeat whenever you can that, in the unlikely event of him getting power, he will have all nurses, firemen and .. oh, something else people like .. cartoon monkeys .. sacked immediately. Then shot. Then deported. Keep saying this, over and over: people might start to believe you.
  • Think of a catchy nickname for Mousavi, something you and your acolytes can really pound into the collective consciousness. How about "Mr Boombastic"? No, better, how about "Mr 10%"? When people ask you why, say its because - as soon as he gets power, Mousavi is going to kill 10% of the kittens in the country. That's him - Mr 10%. Point out that if you stay in power, kittens will be increased in real terms, year on year. Don't worry if that's not strictly true. Just keep saying it.
  • At the same time as the above, be sure to repeatedly state that Mir Hossein Mousavi, should he gain power, will do absolutely nothing. His party are the "do nothing party". Why? Because they will do nothing. Nothing at all.
  • If any of the above begins to look like its not working, why not mix things up a bit: change all the responsibilities of your acolytes. Sack a few, promote a few. Say you're going to sack some, then don't. Promise some you'll promote them, then don't. The ensuing rows, briefings and counter-briefings will completely fill the press, and will totally distract everyone from the real problems. By the time the dust has settled on your reshuffle, everyone will have completely forgotten what they were cross with you about.

There, that's no so hard, is it? Any questions? No? Well, if anything crops up, just call the House of Lords, here in the UK, and ask for Lord Mandelson.

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Ridiculous, or terrifying?

According to his biog' on LabourList, contributor Mike Smith is a Labour Party activist in Lambeth; he also works for SERA - Labour's environment campaign.

It would appear he also eats a lot of strong cheese just before bed, and has some strange and vivid nightmares.

After one of these episodes, Mike was clearly moved to sign on to LabourLost and set out what he thought his party (and, regrettably, our Government) should now do, and right soon at that. He's a smart boy, Mike. In spite of his loyalty to the new nasty party, he admits:

"there is now the possibility that Labour could lose the next general election"

Really? Get away. This, to Mike, would be a problem; not least because if the Labour party continues blazing away at both feet with a machine gun, then it could happen..

"..without a real discussion about what a Tory government's policies (or lack thereof) will mean for Britain"

..for which read, "without any of Gordon's blatant lies and shit-slinging shifting the public's view".

So, what does Mike propose the Government does?

"The Government needs to .. start to entrench our values and policies in law to stop a potential Tory government undoing Labour’s achievements of the last decade. "

Whoah! Hang on. What? What the fuck? What the fucking fuck? Is this serious?

"During the next year or so in power, the Government should pursue a twin approach of setting out our vision for a fourth Labour term if elected, but also entrenching the gains made so far under a Labour government. The proposals announced by Yvette Cooper to introduce a legal duty to tackle child poverty could provide a model to embed the gains made over the last 12 years."
" the year before the most dangerous general election for Labour in recent decades, we must .. focus on how we secure and entrench the gains made so far, to ensure the Tories can’t undo these without a fight."

Dear God. Bring smelling salts. Bring strong drinks. Let’s just get this straight, shall we? This 'Labour activist' genuinely believes that all Labour policies and their fucking bizarre 'values' should be made into law. Into fucking law, for Christ's sake.

How fucking typical of Labour-think is that? If you don't think the way Labour thinks, then you're not just wrong, you're breaking the fucking law.

Do you think that we should stop giving overseas aid to countries that have their own fucking Space Programme? You just committed a thought-crime.

Think there's too many unelected ministers in the Cabinet? Best not to say it out loud.

Not happy that the Iraq inquiry is to be held in secret? I'm going to have to ask you to accompany me to the station, Sir.

'I'm arresting you, Sir, for thinking that making Sir Alan Sugar a Lord was a fucking stupid thing to do'

All-too-frequently, this totalitarian government's actions draw comparisons to Orwell's 1984, but this takes the fucking biscuit. This would have George Orwell himself raising his eyebrows and telling you not to be so fucking stupid.

Our only hope, dear God, is that Mike Smith is a very junior, very misguided, lone activist and came up with this fatuous idea all alone. The alternative is terrifying.

CF really, really, really hopes that this isn't the first sighting of the preliminary phases of the early stages of my Lord Mandelson's master plan. If it is, then we're screwed.

It's possible that this has been seriously considered, and is now being carefully trailed to see whether the public will swallow it or not. Or whether the public will even fucking notice, given that SuBo's dropped out of BGT, Kerry Katona has got fat (again) and Megan Fox is single.

If we hear this again on the sofas of breakfast TV, or in a little ghost-written piece from Gordon,tucked away in the Sunday Mirror, then it's definitely time to take to the fucking streets.

Hat-tip to Old Holborn for picking up this nonsense

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Get your lovely p0rn here

"Statporn" is a term widely used for the sad practice - condemned by and indulged in by just about everyblogger - of publishing monthly statistics regarding the number of visitors to one's glorious outpourings.

When CF ran with the herd earlier this month, and published his first statporn, he alluded to the content of the post in its title: P0rn! (of the statistical variety)

This seems to have confused some of teh interweb's search-bots (is that right?), leading to the following slightly surreal outcome:

Number 13 out of 34,500 p0rn sites? Wow.


Gordon Brown thinks you're stupid

The Mirror is a tedious and tendentious rag and CF never has - and never will - paid money for a copy. However, whilst trawling the web for entertainment and enlightenment, the latest nonsense to be published in the Sunday Mirror came to light.

Gordon Brown has taken some time off from shining Peter Mandelson's shoes and penned a short piece for the Mirror. In it, he describes his bold vision for Britain and the ambitious programme of legislation he has lined up to help bring the recession to an end and really improve the lives of all Britons.

Does he? Of course he fucking doesn't. What he actually does is churn out his endlessly repetitive fucking lies about "Tory cuts".

"We now know that the Tories want to cut public spending by a savage 10 per cent. They have finally revealed what their true priorities are: a cuts plan that is wide, deep and immediate"

They're your fucking cuts, Gordo. Cuts you know you've planned already. Your tame chancellor read them out in the last budget, remember? This was before he'd grown a pair and told you where to go, so your figures tripped out of his mouth and then vanished into the small print without anyone noticing.

And they're cuts that any government in 2010 would need to make, after you spent over 10 years of pissing cash up the wall like a lottery winner with learning difficulties.

But you don't see that do you, Broon? Or in fact, you do see that, you see it very fucking well, but you're not going to admit it before hell freezes over.

You can't fucking stop yourself spinning and lying. You want us to believe that the Tories, when they take over the sweaty, shit-stained driving seat from you and your hopeless cronies, will make these cuts ..

" order to fund a £200,000 tax cut for the 3,000 richest families."

For fuck's sake. How stupid do you think we are, Gord?

"David Cameron – Mr 10 Per Cent – would actually make the recession worse, by slowing public spending at exactly the time we need it most."

Yup. You do think we're all terminally thick, if you think we're going to buy your version of events. In fact, you think we're so desperately dumb, that we don't know what a cut even means. So, explain it to us as if we were 7 years old, would you, McBroon?

"And the impact wouldn’t just be felt in our national economy, but at the level it matters most in your school, your hospital, your neighbourhood. Cuts of 10 per cent would mean 44,000 fewer teachers, 15,000 fewer police, 10,000 fewer soldiers and, each year, 32,000 fewer university places. Those aren't just numbers on the page, but real jobs hanging in the balance."

Gosh, Gordie, those Tories are just evil, aren't they. Why are they doing this again? You said so a minute ago, but we're so dense, we've forgotten already, so just remind us, please?

"They will cut the services you and I rely on so that they can redistribute resources to the 3,000 richest estates in the country."

At this point, dear readers, CF will have to take a stiff drink and lie in a darkened room.

How the fuck can a grown man, supposedly in a position of responsibility, trot out these barefaced lies?

And how the fucking fuck can what pretends to be a proper mainstream newspaper print them?

And how the fucking fucking fuck can anybody, anywhere, of any political persuasion actually be expected to believe that complete shitstorm of lies, exaggerations and bollocks?

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Mad women

Following the chaos in Westminster, there has been endless analysis in the main stream media of the roles and motivations of the many players.

Several commentators are saying that Downing Street's problems stem from it being too macho; that there should be more women involved; and that the only people who came out the utter fucking shambles with any credit were the female MP's.

Lance Price, in the Guardian's CiF, even thinks there should be an all-women government:

"..there are now more than enough on the backbenches with the experience and talent to form a perfectly workable government. They could even decide amongst themselves which jobs they took. Women, in my experience, even in politics, are more sensible about these things."

CF begs to differ. In CF's opinion, the common factor we're seeing here is that many women in politics today - regardless of political affiliation - are completely batshit fucking crazy.

What the fuck is Hazel Blears thinking of? a huge, dramatic, carefully-timed resignation. Then, just a few days later, she decides that, actually, everything she did was totally, utterly wrong, and makes a series of emotional and grovelling apologies.

""In hindsight that judgement was wrong .. I should have waited until after the election. The effect on the party is something I will live with forever"

And Harriet Harman? Very busy, pushing her legislation that will ban the 'whites only' membership rules of the BNP . What? What? Are you insane? Exactly how many "non-white" folk have been clamouring to join the party that doesn't recognise them as British? As Old Holborn points out, this is about as droolingly nuts as a man insisting that he be given the right to have babies.

Caroline Flint? Nutter. One week she's clambering in and out of silk frocks to pose for some magazine, the next she's whining that she's not taken seriously, and Gordon just thinks she's window dressing. Every fucking story in the press about this (possibly valid) point was illustrated with photo's of her pouting moodily in a photo session and a posh frock.

And the creme de la creme? The top of the crazy heap?The arch fucking loon? The oh-dear-god-she's-really-lost-it-now fruitcake? Well of course, its Nadine fucking Dorries. In spite of her widely-reported and largely lunatic blogging about "poor me", CallMeDave doesn't seem to be able to keep away from her.

The other day, they went out for a meal together. Nice. Was Nadine grateful? Did she think better of Dave? Oh boy, yeah.

Apparently she was so excited to be dining with him, she was tipped over the edge into full-blown insanity. Bear in mind that the text below is from the blog of a grown woman; a fucking politician no less, not a love-struck 13 year old:

The night ended as it began, with laughter. Can you imagine Brown even knowing what I was talking about, if I were sitting next to him and I said 'just when you thought life couldn't get any better, along comes a Mint Baileys.' ? Exactly.

And it was good to see him laugh because we all know that there must be times during his day, when David the man, trapped within the pages of his frantic diary, cries somewhere inside.

Nurse! Nurse! A small sedative for Ms. Dorries...


Oh, the RAGE

There's been no posting today until now; CF has been trying to work out what made him angriest, but there's just so much fucking competition.

Amongst the many things that have rendered CF almost speechless with fury today:

Hazel Blears' grovelling apology: you stupid tart. Who's got to you? Mandelson? If you knew he had the dirt on you, why the fuck did you crawl out on a limb? And if he doesn't have the dirt on you, and hasn't been threatening you, why the fuck have you cravenly capitulated? Any damage you wanted to do to Gordon - and god knows, we all want that - is totally undone by this pathetic reversal.

Guido Fawkes: has he been nobbled? Once upon a time there was an edgy, well informed political attack blog. Now there are two stories a day, one of which is pre-prepared and posted at 00:01, the other of which is a straight cut 'n' paste from Sky.
+++ Sun rises in East. Again +++
Then we get a patronising little lecture - apparently lifted straight from a preposterously over-moderated BBC website - on how all the sycophants and retards who flock there (and who generate his fucking income) should phrase their comments, and what they should and shouldn't say.
Biggest story of the week? How a veggie MP got a job where he had to talk to people that sell meat. Ho ho.
Then finally, to round off the week, we have to see "this is a photo of me, me, me, gurning outside an MP's house". What are you now: Dom bastard Joly? Sacha cunting Baron shitting Cohen?

Brown's lies: the fucker's given up even pretending now. He just lies. More articulate commentators (Fraser Nelson is just one) are doing a better job at breaking down and analysing the lies, but that cunt is just churning 'em out, and the public (and the fucking MSM) are just sucking 'em up.

Big Brother: what? I mean, fucking what? WHAT? Why aren't we turning a fucking flamethrower on these terminally thick, self-absorbed cunts?

Jesus Christ. CF often feels he could literally die of anger.

UPDATE: CF is big enough to admit that Guido Fawkes has immediately proved him wrong, with this piece, breaking the news that Mandelson has had an audience with Her Maj. That's better. Still hate the 'New Here?' post though.


The most pathetic excuse ever?

Shahid Malik: we've talked about him before, haven't we?

Thats right - when he was first caught out troughing, he claimed that the MP's expenses guide the 'Green Book' was "my bible". Since he's a Muslim, that tells us all we need to know about his conformance with the commandments on troughing.

When he was initially fingered by the Telegraph, he toured the TV studios, making sure we all knew that he'd done nothing wrong and was very definitely not sorry.

Ironically, the bastard has more to be sorry about than most. Letters From a Tory reminded us in 2008:

"the clear winner of the award for the MP who cost the taxpayer the most money is… Shahid Malik from the Labour Party! He cost you and me £185,421 in a single year, which was £7,300 more than any other MP in the entire country"

And, while he pledged to donate the cash he claimed for his thousand quid television to 'worthy local causes' in his constituency, he made sure to remind us

"I am not doing it because I have done anything wrong.."

Gordon Brown obviously swallowed all of this guff: he's decided to turn a blind eye (the left one) to Malik's greed and arrogance and has re-appointed him as Communities Minister. Either that or Carole Smilie was busy, and had to turn down the gig.

His return to power put the greedy git right back in the spotlight, and sure enough, more dirt is surfacing. According to the Evening Standard:

"Communities minister Shahid Malik was hit by fresh controversy today after it emerged that he paid half his rent in cash for his constituency home."

Surely not? Surely Shahid, you didn't cut some dodgy, tax avoiding deal with your mate to save your money? You wouldn't have done something sleazy, greedy and possibly illegal for your own benefit whilst a Minister for Justice, would you?

Don't worry, here's Shahid to clear things up. It was all a teensy misunderstanding. Apparently:

"He defended the arrangements by insisting his first assumption was that he was being asked to pay £300 in cash, on top of the £320 by direct debit, to a fellow Muslim because it was a "matter of religious observance or a cultural norm".

"He insisted that he did not think it was an attempt at tax avoidance and there is no evidence that it was."

You are fucking joking, aren't you? Just how fucking thick do you think we all are?

And what the fuck are you trying to imply? CF hasn't actually completed his reading of the Koran but he's pretty fucking certain that there isn't a passage where Allah dictates that 320 quid is the absolute maximum for a fucking direct debit. CF would be surprised if any kind of limit on financial transactions is specified in any religious tracts, what with inflation and the ever-changing exchange rates over the centuries.

Could it be that, when you were caught red-handed, you scuttled off behind the big, heavy, protective curtain that protects all those who say "But I'm a Muslim, innit?"

++ UPDATE ++ : according to Guido, Sky news are reporting a 'new investigation' into Shady Malik. Can't see it on their news site, but lets hope its true.

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Do you really believe that shit?

CF likes to know what's going on in the world, and in the tiny minds of the cretins that populate it. Twitter is a handy way of hearing the voices of the many. Feel free to click to follow CF's random ejaculations.

The HouseOfTwits is a useful aggregator - it repeats the 'Tweets' of a large number of people involved in the foetid politics of this once-great nation.

One such tweet floated up in front of CF's eyes this morning:

"Be further annoyed you oppositionists. Brown economic plan continues to work"

The tweet also had a link to a piece in the FT. Which didn't mention the UK economy or Gordon Brown at all.

What it did say - midst some pretty tedious American tractor stats - was that demand for oil in China had increased slightly in recent months, which may (may) indicate that some recovery is underway there. What the fuck has that got to do with Broon?

So this particular Twitterer, a Labour councillor and clearly a fucking demented Labour supporter, either genuinely believes that the Chinese recovery (if there is one) is thanks to Gordon Brown's policies. Jesus H. Christ. OR - worse still - doesn't actually believe that at all, but thinks that we're all so fucking thick that we'll swallow that pathetic fucking propaganda whole and decide to vote Labour once more?

Dear god.

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Mrs Speaker?

Apparently, bookmakers Ladbrokes have made recently turfed-out former Minister Margaret Beckett second favourite to win the who's-going-to-replace-Gorbals-Mick-at-the-trough contest.

Should she win (and why shouldn't she? we don't need a non-Labour speaker, fuck precedent, fuck etiquette), she'll have no problem emulating her predecessors.

Oh no, Mrs. B is very familiar with the fees office, having claimed for a fucking Pergola and some marigolds, those essentials for any modern parliamentarian's duties.

CF wishes the horse-faced caravan lover luck; she'll be perfect:

Ayes to the left, neeeiiiiiggggghhhhhhhs to the right.

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Unite against democracy

Following the hysterical fuckwittery earlier today (discussed in the earlier post, 'The Stench of Hypocrisy') Donna Guthrie, of 'Unite against Facism', has been shrilly explaining that it was just fine and fucking dandy for her cohorts to disrupt the BNP's press conference today, to assault the attendees by throwing eggs, to prevent free speech, and to stifle debate.

Apparently, its all ok because:

"We don't believe in free speech - for facists"

Unsuprisingly, there has been a sharp intake of breath in many areas, followed by an explosive "what the fuck?"

Old Holborn, diligent as ever, has discovered something even more gobsmacking; get this: UAF is funded by..

"Unison and the ZanuLabour Home Office (aka the taxpayer). A Government funded agitprop fake "Charity" is using violence against the lawfully elected oppostion of the Government."

Jesus Christ on a fucking bike. Sometimes CF feels he could die of rage. Something must be said to these poor misguided fuckwits.

CF has just held his nose, put on some rubber gloves and joined the UAF Facebook group. Don't worry, it was only so he could leave the following comment:

"So, you UAF guys feel good about today? You disrupted a press conference; you shouted down your opponents; you used violence to achieve your ends; you stifled debate; you suppressed views you didn't agree with.

So much easier than the tired old democratic approach, eh? But its all ok, because you're right and 'they' are wrong. ""We don't believe in free speech.." : what a telling soundbite. You must be very proud."

All of CF's readers are cordially invited for breakfast tomorrow. CF has a feeling that there'll be plenty of scrambled egg to go 'round.

UPDATE: Clearly, Tory Bear agrees, here.

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The stench of hypocrisy

Donna Guthrie, of 'Unite against Facism', trying to shrilly explain why it was just fine and fucking dandy for her cohorts to disrupt the BNP's press conference today, to assault the attendees by throwing eggs, to prevent free speech, and to stifle debate:

"We don't believe in free speech - for facists"

You stupid, stupid, hypocritical bitch.

And you're the fucking spokesperson, chosen to talk to the media. CF can only imagine how self--righteously thick and inarticulate your colleagues must be.

It almost (almost) makes CF wish he'd voted for the BNP himself, if this silly fucking tart is the other side of the coin.

UPDATE: pop over the the UAF Facebook Groups if you like; tell 'em what you think. CF posted this, but there's room for much, much more..

Hat-tip: Old Holborn

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No rest for the wicked

CF generally likes to be proved right (and - owing to his bitter cynicism and mistrust - almost invariably is).

However, in the case of yesterday's post 'Gordon is Safe Now', CF very much wishes he had been competely, utterly fucking wrong.

But no, the post was tragically, bang on the money:

"Even the dumbest, most self-centred Labour MP can see that .. if Gordon stops - for any reason - being Prime Minister, then an election will be called shortly thereafter. An election that, unless CallMeDave is caught balls-deep in a Rohypnol'd Susan Boyle on the Queen Mother's grave , Labour has no fucking chance of winning.

"Every Labour MP will be thinking the same this morning. Why rebel, why resign dramatically, why go on TV to condemn McDoom when all that'll do is hasten my own personal trip to the wilderness?"

Clearly, that's pretty much what was going through the tiny, tiny, self-obsessed minds of the fuckwitted PLP last night, as they whooped, hollered, banged the desks and masturbated like crazy monkeys at the prospect of 12 more months of plasma TV's and property development.

And the cost to them of this extra year of troughin'? An extra year of Gordon, and then unemployment. As Mike Smithson at Politics Home puts it:

"..they are now lumbered with a leader who has almost none of the qualities that are required to win elections in the modern age - someone who is so unpopular that he gets booed when he attends veterans events like the D-Day celebrations"

But apparently that doesn't matter to these gibbering, desk-thumping, yelling morons. So now the-worst-PM-we've-ever-had has his feet well under the desk and likely to stay there until mid-2010. Fuck.

Does the fact that the public loathe him and his doings have no bearing? Of course it fucking doesn't. Get real.

We're living in a non-representative democracy: we can all choose which bus to get on, but the driver is under no obligation to go where he said he was going to or to tell us where he now intends to go instead or to let us off the bus when the scenery outside the window begins to look frightening and wrong and nothing like the destination we wanted.

The only thing we can do, as we crouch terrified in our seats, is shout at the driver, in a desperate attempt to remind him of what we, the paying fucking passengers, want from him. It's not much, and it probably won't work, but there's fuck all else to do.

So lets take all the energy and anger that's been directed at 'Getting Rid of Brown' and use it to make sure that he, and his spineless government, are very aware of exactly what we - their masters - want. Examine everything they say, object to everything they try to do, reject their lies and spin. Don't let the fuckers get away with anything.

Let's harass and chivvy, poke and prod, challenge and rebut this pathetic government until its last ragged breath. Let's focus a bit less on Guido's tittle-tattle, and a lot more on Old Holborn's fury, the Devil's rage and Mr Eugenide's righteous wrath.

Gordon, for the next year, you're not going to get - and you don't deserve - a moment's peace.

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Gordon's safe now

Last night's Euro election results were pretty piss-poor for all the major parties: Labour were rightly fucking trounced, the Tories failed to gain much ground despite the Labour meltdown and the Lib Dems were just nowhere, nowhere. Jesus, Labour are being mocked as a 'fringe' party, and LD's came in well behind them.

Ironically, the one person the results were pretty fucking handy for was Gordon himself. We sent the Labour party a message yesterday. And the message was: "You better not have a General Election any time soon - just see what we'll do to you."

Even the dumbest, most self-centred Labour MP can see that with those results, and with the current furious mood of the public, and with the way (most of) the media are leaning, a General Election would result in their total fucking annihilation. Never mind not being an MP, most of them would be beaten to death by angry voters during canvassing.

They can also work out that if Gordon stops - for any reason - being Prime Minister, then an election will be called shortly thereafter. An election that, unless CallMeDave is caught balls-deep in a Rohypnol'd Susan Boyle on the Queen Mother's grave , Labour has no fucking chance of winning.

So, Labour MP's, what's the only way to avoid a General Election? Yup, that's right, don't take Gordon's rattle away. Leave him alone, put your fingers in your ears and keep taking the money. The longer Gordon remains in place, the longer you remain in place.

Every Labour MP will be thinking the same this morning. Why rebel, why resign dramatically, why go on TV to condemn McDoom when all that'll do is hasten my own personal trip to the wilderness?

Gordon's safe now. Even though everybody fucking hates him; even though he's the worst Prime Minister this country has ever suffered under; even though he lies and spins and evades and dithers and lies some more in his utter contempt for all of us, he will remain as PM for as long as he wants to.

His party will go very quiet now. Except when they're singing Gordon's praises. Expect a lot more of the gurning mutual masturbation sessions we saw yesterday in West Ham Town Hall, where hand-picked activists vie with one another to leap to their feet and ask difficult and penetrating questions: "How long have you been this brilliant, Mr Brown?"

And as we all know, if the Labour party don't want Gordon to go, there is precisely fuck all the public can do about him. No-one wants our opinions - well, not until we've revised them significantly in favour of the Saviour of the Universe, they don't.

No, the rest of us can cry, moan and bitch all we like, but the one-eyed son of the Manse is with us until next June .

UPDATE: rumours beginning (courtesy of Guido) that Purnell's threatening to stand against Brown. Even if this unlikely tale is true, CF's logic still applies : none of the other turkeys are going to vote for Christmas.

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Shout down Brown

Guido Fawkes has got hold of an email to Labour activists, arranging a "spontaneous" show of approval of our great Leader this afternoon.

In it, Kirsty McNeill pleads:

"..He’s right and he knows that there’s a whole generation of Labour people who will do whatever it takes to keep it that way. Would you be free to join him at West Ham Town Hall, between four and six on Sunday?

He’d like to thank you in person and he wants to talk to you about what the role for this generation of Labour is going to be, because it’s time.

You can of course invite others you know, indeed please do. But I will need names for security, so if you could email me back with whether you can make it and who you’d like to bring, I’d appreciate it. I hope it’s going to be the start of something big."

Bollocks to that.

CF doesn't think the few remaining Brown supporters - if there are any - should have things all their way. Far better for Gordon to have a more representative cross-section of society.

So, reschedule your Sunday lunch, scoff it down, quaff a bit of Dutch Courage and then get down to West Ham Town Hall for 4 o'clock sharp.

Time to give Brown a taster of real, unspun, undiluted public opinion.

UPDATE: as the world now knows, he fucking bottled it. The 'spontaneous' get-together was shifted to an hour earlier, and only the inner circle (which includes the BBC and Sky) were told. Not so much walking away as running away and hiding, eh Gordon?
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Gordon is a moron

We all know why Gordon Brown went to France today, and it wasn't to pay his respects to the fallen.

No, as with everything our unelected PM does, it was for his own advantage. A nice, juicy photo-op with the man he loves.

A chance to take the witless public's mind off the utter catastrophe that is unfolding in poor old Blighty.

But, the curse of Jonah Brown is always there. He can't not fuck up everything he touches.

So, in spite of taking out the traditional onion and reading a speech doubtless written by someone else, he still manages to give himself away here:

Obama beach? What a huge Freudian slip, you tosser.

No wonder they're booing you.

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They got away with it..

Frenzied excitement sweeps the nation as Gordon Brown's great reshuffle commences.

"Last chance for Brown", cry the media; "Last ditch for Gordon", oblivious to the fact that we all know the bastard has no intention of going anywhere, regardless of who quits and when.

Plenty of time to re-arrange the deckchairs on this vessel. Icebergs are forbidden by the party's constitution. And even if an iceberg is struck, it can't be the Captain's fault - he's getting on with the job, sailing us to a new better land.

So the reshuffle details dribble out. The BBC are fucking desperate to inject some drama. Great big red 'n' white scrolling text on the website front page: "BREAKING NEWS: bloke to stay in same job". OMG! Be still my pounding heart.

But hang on, what was that? Did someone whisper something? Speak up? What did you say?

"The Metropolitan Police says it is 'highly unlikely' any MPs will be successfully prosecuted over expenses."

What the fuck? Did Scotland Yard really just tell us that they're going to let 'em all off? Well isn't that just fucking fine and dandy?

While we're all distracted watching that bastard sack of fucking weasels that is our current Government scratching and spitting and fighting for their survival, last weeks huge, world-changing, unseen-ever-before, only-in-your-Daily-Telegraph story is quietly being used to wrap our chips.

Last week we believed that Hazel Blear was a very bad chipmunk, who'd lied to HMRC and actively evaded paying tax until the spotlight shone upon (well, just above) her little red head. "Too late to pay it back now, love - you're going down".

Now we all think she's a feisty wee thing, who was brave enough to stand up to the vile McDoom, all the while sporting a hilariously funny little badge about 'rocking the boat'. Oh my sides..

Last week we were convinced that Alastair Darling was going to be fired, arrested, hung, drawn and quartered and then spend eternity roasting in the bad fire. He flipped houses four fucking times, squeezing every damn penny he could from us.

A week later, we've forgotten all that nonsense, and now we're mildly impressed that his eyebrows stood up to Gordon Brown's tantrums, and in spite of endless threats and promises, he remains firmly in the job he wants, in charge of our fucking money.

The cunt who had the brass fucking neck to charge us for an accountant so he didn't pay too much tax.

How quickly we forget..

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