Soldier attacks Brown

Our soldiers are often called upon to do things that normal people would refuse. The courage and fortitude of the Welsh Guards must have been strained to the limit when they were ordered to have lunch with Gordon Brown.

The lunch was part of Brown's impromptu trip to Afghanistan, an important part of his unceasing campaign to make himself look better and CallMeDave Cameron look worse.

Imagine sitting there in the stifling heat, watching McBroon mumbling his way through some stew, bits of meat visible every time he flashed his disturbing grin.

But well done that man, Lance Corporal Dean Byfield. He asked if he could put a question to the Labour leader:

"Why do we have to pay tax while we are out here?"

Paying tax while on operations has been sore point amongst British troops. If you're being paid - by your nation - to defend your nation's interests -and you're risking your fucking life to do it - it must be pretty fucking galling to have some of that money taken away by that same nation.

And its not as if there's a lot of excess cash in a soldiers paypacket in the first place. They're not exactly overpaid: even a fucking traffic warden earns more.

And what was Brown's charming, carefully phrased, uplifting answer?

"Because you're a British employee"

Oh, that's cleared things up then. The soldiers are just employees, like those traffic wardens. Just get on with your job, pay your tax, and stop asking Mr Brown awkward questions. The government needs that money a lot more than you do, soldier.

Once again, Gordon Brown shows the sullen evasiveness that has made him the least popular Prime Minister we've ever had. Thanks, Gordo!

(You can read more about this on the BBC website. Actually, no you can't : it's not mentioned at all by Labour's tame 'news' agency.)

How to Boycott Scotland

Attention, Americans!

Mad about the release of the Lockerbie bomber? Want to teach those haggis-eating surrender monkeys over in Scottishland a lesson? Sure you do! Well guys, you're in luck.

A nameless supporter of the U S of A has gone through Wikipedia's list of Scottish inventions and discoveries , so you'll know what to avoid. You can teach those pesky skirt-wearing caber-tossers a valuable lesson by turning your back on all the things below. Ready? Here we go...

Road Travel

The pneumatic tyre, tarmac and the two stroke engine are all Scottish inventions and as such should be avoided. Unfortunately it is best if you don't cycle either as that was also invented by a Scotsman. For the time being please walk instead.


Set down the remote control, unhook the cable and turn off the television set as its inventor was born in Helensburgh. I know it might be difficult, but think about all the time you will have free to do other things, just make sure you walk to them.


I urge you to please get the word out about this list and the Boycott, but do not telephone your loved ones or write to them (best to avoid postcards, fax & radio as well).


Please do not use any of America's suspension bridges as their construction is due to another Scottish invention.

If you do have a suspension bridge in your area please consider contacting your local government official and demand its removal.

Finger Printing

Any American citizen convicted using finger print evidence should be pardoned immediately.


Moms to be, cancel that ultrasound. Kid taken a tumble down the stairs? Am sure they'll be ok, just ensure they don't have an MRI.

All diabetes sufferers should immediately cease all use of Insulin (its ok, you wouldn't have been able to inject it anyway)

If you are currently taking any beta blockers, dispose of them; and you'll have to find an alternative treatment for that unfortunate bout of syphilis

Cold beer

Remove all beverages from the fridge, a cooler will have to do. Just remember that every warm beer is bringing us one step closer to Scotland relenting. A reduction in liquid consumption might be a good thing as every patriotic American should remove the flush toilet from their bathroom.


While enjoying your warm FREEDOM™ beer please petition your local government official to begin disbanding the American PGA (remember not to use the telephone, post, radio, fax or a computer - perhaps their office is within walking distance?) also you should urge Lance Armstrong to be a true all American and give up cycling.

So, yankees; what are you waitin' for? Get to it. Yeeeehaaaa!!!

Hat-tip to the anonymous person at who put this list together. Excellent.

This education policy is Balls'

The eldest Furiousette received her GCSE results yesterday, and a damn fine set of results they were too. Thanks to those who wished her luck.

GCSE results were all over the media yesterday, and naturally, as Schools Secretary, the loathsome Ed Balls had something to say on the subject.

Equally naturally, as a dedicated member of the Labour Party, Balls had pretty much fuck all to say about his own policies and plans. Oh no. Nothing like that: all Government statements must be attacks on the Tories.

The public apparently doesn't need to hear about what has actually happened under this fucking inept and deceitful government - we need to hear a lot of spin and lies on what 'might' happen if we were to chuck them out and let someone else have a go.

This was Ed's little gem :

"Instead of breaking down the damaging old divide between 'excellent' academic qualifications for some and 'second class' for everybody else, the Tories seem determined to turn back the clock."

Eh? What the fuck? While trying to misrepresent those evil Tories, Blinky Balls has just inadvertently revealed some of his own bizarre socialist thinking.

So that's what Labour have been trying to do: to break down the damaging divide between those who get excellent qualifications and those who don't. To make sure everybody, regardless of skill, ability and effort, gets the 'excellent' qualifications to which they are surely entitled.

That explains everything. Of course exams have to get easier and easier. Naturally, more multiple choice papers must be introduced. Of course there must be more coursework that can be done for 'the kids' by grown-ups.

It's obvious: unless we make these exams a damn sight easier, more 'accessible', how on earth will the lazy and the not-that-bright get 'excellent' qualifications? And if they don't, well, that's not fair is it? That's not the Socialist way.

For fuck's sake.


GCSE results

CF is about to take his eldest daughter to her school, to discover whether she's been awarded any GCSE's at all.

She is the part of the first school year to receive an education to GCSE entirely under a Labour Government. Since she can spell her own name, and just about make a sandwich, she's probably due a shedload of the virtually worthless things.

** Update ** : she did very well; thanks for all the good wishes. Nearly as interesting were Ed Balls' comments on qualifications. Dear god...

Oh do GIVE UP, Gordon

Like the ghastly creature at the end of a cheap horror movie, Gordon Brown will not give up. He keeps dragging his hideous mangled body forwards, dragging himself painfully along on his remaining limbs.

We hear from Labour's tame broadsheet, The Independent, that Gordon Brown is to relaunch himself yet again, and to start a 'fightback' for the autumn. Oh goody.

The piece makes interesting reading, being a classic example of how to announce, with great fanfare, .. err ... well, fuck all, really. So what's the plan, guys?

"Initially, Mr Brown will seek to establish in voters' minds the key differences between Labour and the Tories – on policy, government intervention to limit the impact of the recession and preserving frontline services"

Well of course he fucking will. Initially? That's all he's ever done. No ideas. No policies. No grand fucking plan. Just an endless series of lies and distortions about what the evil Tories would do if we to be foolish enough not to elect (not re-elect, of course) Gordon to be PM in 2010.

Never mind what CallMeDave might do, Gordo'; what the fuck are you going to do?

Ah, here it comes:

"..he will acknowledge that the Government needs to go beyond the £35bn of efficiency savings it has already promised. ... Cabinet ministers will announce that some projects will be abandoned, shelved or delayed to save money. ... There will be things that need to be put off, done more slowly or abandoned altogether."

Hmmm. Sounds promising. Tell us more...

"Labour strategists have advised Mr Brown it can be eroded by contrasting the Government's record and plans with David Cameron's more sketchy programme. Labour's internal polling reports claim the Tories are more vulnerable on policy than their current lead suggests because they are widely perceived as having little or no policy. "

OK. So, the Tories have no policies. What are your policies for all this cost saving, then, McBroon? At this point, shoes are stared at, throats cleared and then..

"No specific decisions have yet been taken"

Oh. Fucking great. That fills us all with confidence, Gord'.

"Under a fightback plan being written in Downing Street, the Government will accept that efficiency measures must be taken by all Whitehall departments and real savings identified on top of them."

So, the plan is currently 'being written'. There isn't a plan yet. And when there is, the plan will say that 'measures must be taken'.

If you went to the doctor, in pain, and he had a quick prod, then informed you that he was going to write a plan, in which he would accept that measures must be taken to make you well, you wouldn't really feel a whole lot better as you staggered back into the car park, would you?

And, in spite of this brave new approach, this fresh start, Labour still can't leave the same old bullshit alone:

"..a programme to cut future debt without harming the frontline services on which people will depend. ... Britain's future cannot be built without the "continued investment" safeguarded by Labour"

OK. So you haven't completed the 'plan for the plan' to save money, you don't really know what the fuck you're doing, but what you do know is that you want to keep spending money too. Dear god.

Anything else new in this startlingly bold and detailed strategy, Gordon? Oh yes:

"Labour will be launching a drive to combat long-term unemployment. A "Backing Young Britain" campaign will outline new measures that will help young people into work."

So, no, nothing new.

All in all, Gordon, you've probably wasted our time here. Nothing new, a couple of half-hearted attacks on the Tories, some vague 'promises' to cut costs and spend more, and the usual re-re-re-re-announcements of tired old ideas.

But there's one last point. The clincher. Here's where CF finally lost control and slumped to the ground, helpless with mirth. The un-named 'senior Labour source' feeding all this guff to the eager Indie reporter got a little carried away when summing up, and just went a bit too far.

Apparently, Gordon Brown, the man widely acknowledged as the worst fucking PM this country has ever had, the man who has repeatedly lied and cheated for his own ends, the man who always disappears whenever the going gets tough, is our best possible PM because not only will he do all the miraculous things listed, but he will..

".. offer leadership that convinces and inspires"

Oh, really?


Get back here now, Gordon

The Scottish Parliament is to be recalled today, to debate the controversial release of the Libyan convicted for the Lockerbie bombings.

Subrosa writes that there may well be a vote of no-confidence in Kenny MacAskill , the man who (allegedly) made the decision to let the poor sickly terrorist go home. Feelings are running high, not just in Scotland but around the world, but as Subrosa points out:

"Whilst the reverberations continue the Prime Minister enjoys the seclusion of his well guarded home in the Kingdom of Fife confident that his new mantra 'silence is golden' will pay off."

But, Gordon, that's not fucking good enough. You might be the most hated Prime Minister we've ever had, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to fucking hide from the public whenever you choose. You might fuck up everything you touch, but that doesn't allow you to just give up.

In the last few days, your silence has grown deafening. Not a quote, not a press conference, not even a "sources close to" rumour. You've even left the bandwagon-jumping on the Ashes victory to your missus (or, more likely, the taxpayer-funded PR team who pretend to be your missus).

You've always been ready with a quote on populist matters, like the Arctic fucking Monkeys, and Jade fucking Goody, so your silence on real, international issues is even more cowardly and obvious.

But it's not just a sound-bite we want from you and your 600+ little chums, Gorgon. It's some fucking action. And not just in the case of the Lockerbie bomber whose release you were clearly involved in.

Since you crept off on your holidays, the world has carried on turning, and nothing's getting any better for any of us. In case you really have dumped your Blackberry in a river, here's what's been going on the in the real world:
  • There's been even more government-endorsed 'quantitative easing'; printing more and more Mickey Mouse money to create inflation to hide the mess you made.

  • A report has been published showing that the MoD has been about as incompetent as it's possible to be without actually dying of stupidity. Money has been pissed up every available wall, and virtually nothing has been delivered in time or even working properly.

  • Even though economies elsewhere have begun to grow again, ours - apparently not "best placed to recover" after all - has not. No, it's continued to decline.

  • Your fucking spin doctors desperately tried to whip up an Internet campaign on Twitter (ask your missus what that is) to smear the Tories as 'hating' the NHS. Sadly for you, it failed: more people trust the Tories with the NHS than your lot. Hardly surprising, given the amount of lies and bullshit we've heard from you over the last few months.

  • Your spin doctors have also tried to get revenge on the Head of the Army by trying to smear him over his expenses. Expenses, for fuck's sake. Breath-taking hypocrisy, and it completely fucking failed anyway, since he's a fuck sight less greedy than virtually any MP you can think off.
So not just the Lockerbie bomber storm - in which you are doubtless up to your chubby neck - the whole fucking nation is going down the shitter, and you can't even be arsed to make a statement to the press, let alone start "working hard" (wasn't that your soundbite?) to try and clear up these various stinking messes.

Brown, you're the fucking Prime Minister, even if very few people actually want you to be. You're fucking responsible. Recall Parliament, right now. Debate these issues, and then get your Government to start fucking governing.

As John Redwood points out, the events in Scotland put you to shame in more than one way:

"A powerless UK government allows the Scottish government to make this decision, washes its hands of the foreign policy consequences, and doesn’t even allow English MPs to have a voice on that foreign policy, whilst Scotland not only makes the decision but has a functioning democracy to debate it."

Remember, McBroon: you work for us. If you were a senior manager in a real fucking business (although Christ knows how you'd manage that) you wouldn't be allowed to disappear on holiday for weeks and weeks, particularly if the company was going through a series of major crises, largely of your making.

Get your sorry arse back to Westminster, and get on with your fucking job.


Good news!

Yes! England retain the ashes, with a comfortable win over the Australians on what good ol' Aggers described as a "Golden August Evening". Congratulations to the boys, especially Messrs. Harmison, Flintoff, Broad and Strauss.

While gloating is, of course, unnecessary and so distasteful, CF cannot help but reproduce the following, from Uncle Bob:

Ricky Ponting, Shane Warne, Merv Hughes, Joe Mangle, Dame Edna, Kylie Minogue,Crocodile Dundee...Crocodile Dundee! Your boys took one hell of a beating!

Astonishingly enough, Gordon Brown has yet to crawl out of the wo0dwork, fake grin smeared across his face, to try to sup some of the glory.

CF is sure he will. After all, he can claim some credit for this, for once: as Guido points out, he was so busy hiding from questions about Libyan bombers, that he completely forgot to wish the England team luck.

This victory was therefore guaranteed.


Pussycat got your tongue, Gordon?

Gordon Brown, our Beloved Leader and Saviour of the Free World, has opinions on many things. And is not afraid to share them with us, his adoring public.

For example, here's what he has to say about his tastes in pop music:

"I was asked did I prefer Arctic Monkeys to James Blunt, and I think I said I'd prefer Coldplay. But I made a joke that Arctic Monkeys would certainly wake you up in the morning. So, I mean, I've heard Arctic Monkeys and they're very loud."

Here's what he said about that wunch of bankers over at Lehman Brothers', shortly before that organisation imploded spectacularly :

"During its 150 year history, Lehman Brothers has always been an innovator, financing new ideas and inventions before many others even began to realize their potential."

In 2008, during the finals of that godawful shitfest 'The X-factor', Gordon Brown wrote to all 12 finalists. Here's what he (allegedly, in her words) said to Ruth Lorenzo, whom Simon Cowell had criticised for not singing in her native language:

"Keep singing in English, girl. You're doing a great a job going against Simon"

And here's what Gordon Brown said when Jade Goody, Big Brother runner-up, Z-list celebrity and ignorant bigot, was taken from us:

"..the whole country have admired her determination to provide a bright future for her children. She will be remembered fondly by all who knew her"

And, finally, here's what Gordon Brown has to say about the controversial early release of a convicted terrorist, an man found guilty of planting a bomb that killed hundreds, a man greeted with scenes of jubilation on his return to his homeland:

" "

That's right. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Gordon doesn't have a view, apparently.

What's the matter, Gordon? Pussycat Mandelson got your tongue?


Advice for A-level students

Congratulations, A-level students. You've just - postal strikes allowing - received your results. Hopefully they were all you hoped for, or at least all you deserved.

Doubtless you're part of the school year that has achieved the best set of results since records began. The best grades ever. Of course you are: this happens every year.

If you are female, blonde and collected your results wearing a crop top, you'd better make sure your parents buy a copy of The Telegraph tomorrow - you'll be on the front page, grinning ecstatically, hugging your equally photogenic friends.

Bu when the euphoria fades, take a look at where you are.

You've just completed what until a few years ago was known as "further education". It used to only be a small percentage of students who - instead of leaving school at 16 - chose to stay on and study some more, taking their education to an Advanced Level. Advanced, see? Not Ordinary.

Now, of course, pretty much everyone goes on to do A-levels. The alternative is the tills at Tesco.

And soon, if Labour get their way, pretty much everyone will carry even further with their further education.

Tony Blair (you may have studied him in Media Studies - he's an actor who played Prime Minister on telly for a few years) decided that 50% of you should go to University. It's not really clear why, but the Labour party have continued to pursue this dream.

However, the same Labour party has also taken all the money your parents paid in tax for the last 12 years and pissed it up the wall. The pot is empty. You know, like when your allowance is all gone, but its only the 19th and there's no more til next month and your phone needs topping up. Like that, but for the whole country.

So, while they want everyone to go to university, there aren't actually enough places. The government wants you to go to university, but you'll have to fight really hard against your friends (and against a shitload of foreign students) to actually get a place.

And even the places there are aren't paid for by the government - there's no money, remember?

So, if you get a place, would you mind paying for it yourself? It's OK that you haven't got any money (why would you? You've been in 'further education'), you can borrow it, and pay it back if you ever do get a proper job.

Lets face it, you poor sods, you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. Education in the UK is fucked. Spectacularly, royally, comprehensively. (Bad choice of word, that last one.)

And you are the unfortunate victims, right in the middle of a badly designed, poorly built sausage machine.

CF's advice to you is as follows. You'll be able to vote in the next General election, if the unelected Prime Minister ever allows another.

As you walk to the polling station, spend some time thinking about how hard it was to get those A-levels, in poorly funded, under-equipped schools that have been plagued with endless change, pointless tinkering and 'new initiatives' every year.

Think of how pissed off you were when you found out that your AAB was not as good as you'd thought because every single person you know got the same. Because of the relentless pressure from this government to ensure that "all shall have prizes".

Remember how angry you were when Oxford turned you down, because your sixth form college was so popular it had to turn some kids away, and that makes it "Selective" and that means you get pushed down the list in favour of some kid from the school by the sink estate down the road.

Then think of which party, which ministers, spent the last 12 years creating this monstrous, complete, utter fucking mess. A mess you're stuck in the middle of for three more years. A mess you'll still be paying for when you're in your thirties.

Then vote.


Labour: "squalid and cowardly"

They just don't learn, do they, those fuckwits in the Labour Party?

It's taken months for them to slowly, painfully crawl out from under the shadow of McBrideGate, when several Labour figures were shown to be a bunch of lying, sleazy gits. When the country was appalled to learn that vicious rumours had been invented, to be spread purely to undermine and damage NuLabs 'enemies' in the great class war.

The public only have short memories, bless, and with the barbecue summer here at last, and Big Brother 10 (probably) getting quite tense, all that sleaze, spin and dishonesty was fading into the past.

But clearly, fading into the past for Labour as well. For, lo and behold, the gits are revealed - by The Sun, the self-proclaimed "Paper for Our Boys", among others - to have kept right on marching with the old smear campaigns.

This time, the target is General Sir Richard Dannatt. General Dannatt, winner of the Military Cross, is due to retire from the Army in a few days, after 38 years of distinguished service.

38 years? Pretty impressive, eh? Pat on the back, small ceremony, perhaps a clock, then off he goes?

No. Not for Gen Sir D.

Unfortunately for him, he has had the temerity in the past to criticise the Glorious Party of Labour, repeatedly embarrassing the Government by speaking out on trivial, irrelevant issues.

You know, tiny little unimportant things like "why are the soldiers in Afghanistan paid less than traffic wardens?", "why do our soldiers live and fight under such shit conditions?"; "why haven't we got enough fucking boots to go around?".

Recently, the pushy bastard underlined his calls for more resources for troops, claiming that "better surveillance equipment is vital to targeting the Taliban laying roadside bombs". What the fuck does he know about it, eh? The cheek! Just because he's 'Head of the Army'. What does he think we have a Ministry of Defence for? A proper one, sitting in London, busy with the paperwork, not messing about overseas with all those rag heads.

The General's questions have not gone down well with the Government. Poor Gordon's trying to have a holiday here. So, inevitably, a campaign has begun within the offices of government, deep in the slimy, fetid nests where the hissing, squirming spin doctors live.

As with any 'enemy of the party', Sir Richard must be destroyed, humiliated. And, as with every Labour campaign, this must be done by smear, innuendo, lies and distortion.

Accordingly, a series of Freedom of Information requests have been made, asking for details of the cost of the General's 'business entertaining' at his apartment, the former home of the Princess of Wales.

It's not known exactly who tabled these requests, but given that the General has been a thorn in the governments' side for some time, and given that one unnamed defence minister recently described Sir Richard as a “complete bastard”, you wouldn't be astonished if it turned out to be a Labour researcher, would you? Who else gives a flying fuck about how much the General spent on Filet Mignon?

The only possible use for this information is so that some slimy, sleazy shitbag paid-for-by-us researcher can bash out a nasty little piece to feed all the Labour-luvin' rags. Something along the lines of "General gorges on swans, washed down with vintage Krug, while Our Brave Boys forced to eat cardboard". Create a split between the boys on the front line and the top brass, then jump right in.

Perhaps Kerry fucking McTwitter can start up another fatuous fucking online campaign, desperately trying to associate Labour and the Army. Hey kids, not only do #welovethenhs but guess what? #welovethearmy too! Cool!

CF doesn't normally have a lot of time for Dr Liam Fox, Tory Shadow for Defence, but his words sum up this little episode rather well:

“At a time when our soldiers are dying in Afghanistan, ministers spend their time in puerile personality politics. General Dannatt is a man of honour and integrity who leads from the front.

His Labour detractors are squalid and cowardly, undermining from the shadows.

Yeah. That's about right.

UPDATE: Guido thinks the rat with the FoI requests is Kevan (yes 'an', not 'in') Jones, a career Labour hanger-on, and one of Brown's long term lickspittles. No suprises there, then.


Mandelson: oops, he did it again

The Prince of Darkness, the "cuddly pussycat", my Lord High Mandelson, is a smooth operator. As he climbs the slippery rungs of power, he rarely puts a foot wrong.

But even the most cunning are not infallible, and it seems that his Lordship may have tripped up.

Lord Mandelson announced over the weekend that, as a result of his taking responsibility for 'Digital Policy' - and in spite of a recent government Digital Britain report saying otherwise - that one of 'his' governments main aims is to make life unpleasant for those who download films and music from the internet without paying.

Because that's what's really dragging this once-great nation down, isn't it? Never mind the recession, the bloated public sector and soaring crime, eh? What really keeps CF awake at night is wondering if Lady Gaga is getting all of her royalties.

According to Foy-Boy, in future those who indulge in this most heinous of crimes will be fined an entirely reasonable 50,000 pounds or - much, much worse - have their Internet connection cut off. If the perpetrator is too young to pay the fine, no problems - the parents will be pursued instead.

So how did this sudden epiphany come about for Peter? Is this something that always been close to his evil black heart? Was he moved after finding a former Spice Girl begging at a tube-station? Was my Lord visited by an angel, looking rather like Robbie Williams, in his dreams? Nah.

Mandelson 'decided' that the poor, innocent, beleaguered music and film industries needed a dose of Labour 'real help' after meeting David Geffen, a Hollywood mogul, in the Rothschild's sumptuous luxury villa in Corfu.

So that's just fucking nice, isn't it? A man who has made millions from the movies sat down with a man who has somehow acquired millions whilst in politics, in the luxury villa of a family also worth millions, and discussed how they might prevent teenagers downloading the latest Girls Aloud track without paying 1 pound and 79 fucking pence for it.

Mandy then trotted back to the UK, dabbed the champagne from his chin, and announced, in traditional Labour style, "something must be done".

Big mistake, Manders. Lets look at what you've achieved here, shall we?

Firstly, you've proved, yet again, that you are so fucking enthralled by the wealthy, and so eager to penetrate their social circles (pardon the innuendo), that you will eagerly indulge their every fucking whim. No need for vulgar lobbying - just get Mandy over to supper, a quiet word over the oysters and bingo! Tailor-made legislation. "I have a little chap who alters my suits for me, and another little chap who alters the law for me".

Secondly, you managed to open up another rift within your own party. Tom Watson, former Minister for Digital Engagement, and somewhat more "down with the kids" than you, Mandlebum, immediately expressed his doubts, saying that anyone trying to stop the dodgy downloads was "like King Canute". There's a ringing endorsement, eh? Watch your back, Tom.

But thirdly, Mandy, and worse yet, you've managed to piss off a vast number of young voters and potential voters. You know, the ones you should be trying to woo bcause everyone else is fucking sick of you?

The kids who spend most of their waking hours staring into a laptop, uploading endless mobile phone photos of themselves ("me 'n' shaz, two minutes ago; wicked!!!!") are exactly the same kids whose MP3 players are bursting with dodgy downloads.

And now what? Great Uncle Mandy has managed to piss off the online audience.

Such a shame for the new eLabour, eh? They've only just launched their Internet spin team, who have, it must be said, had some success astro-turfing the #welovethenhs campaign. Teams of enthusiastic Labour activists sat late into the night, pounding Twitter, Facebook and Blogger with carefully engineered soundbites.

All for naught: already last night Facebook was filling up with new angry messages. Way to engage the yoof, Mandy! They'd never thought about politics before, but now, as 'Max', a student and Facebook buddy of CF's, says, "'s why i'm not voting labour anytime soon..".

Oh dear. As Britney puts it, on CF's download of her first album, "Ooops, I did it again.."


And the winner is...

Well, well. Constantly Furious is highly flattered to have been placed in the list of the top 20 libertarian blogs in the Total Politics poll.

Extra pleasing, as this ranking is based on real votes, from real people, rather than complex reverse triple back-linking algorithms or such nonsense.

Very many thanks to all who voted for CF.

The only teensy fly in the ointment was that naughty Iain Dale claimed to be 'too busy' to put actual links into the blog post announcing the winners [**UPDATE** : now he has]. As Tom Paine, another winner, pointed out in the comments:

"The one day of the year when we struggling libertarians could have had a link direct from Britain's top blogger, and you had to put in an interrupt, rather than link from our names. Pshaw, Iain!"

Too true. Most bloggers dream of a link from Ma Dale.

By way of correcting this oversight, here are the top 20, this time with links:

  1. Guido Fawkes
  2. Devil's Kitchen (** has posted this list **)
  3. Old Holborn (** has posted this list **)
  4. Obnoxio the Clown (** has posted this list **)
  5. Underdogs Bite Upwards (** has posted this list **)
  6. Tim Worstall
  7. Samizdata
  8. Boatang & Demetriou (** has posted this list **)
  9. Dick Puddlecote (** has posted this list **)
  10. LPUK Blog
  11. Last Ditch (** has posted this list **)
  12. Constantly Furious
  13. Anna Raccoon
  14. Freedom to Choose (** has posted this list **)
  15. Rantin' Rab (** has posted this list **)
  16. Plato Says
  17. Charles Crawford (** has posted this list **)
  18. An Englishman's Castle
  19. Frank Davis (** has posted this list **)
  20. Oxford Libertarian Society (** has posted this list **)

Big shout out to the the other 19. Mutual backslap, dudes! Why not publish this, or similar, on your blog, and we can all share a little link lurve. It won't be as good as a 'Dale' link, but better than nowt, eh?

Onward and upward!

UPDATE: Good chap, that Iain Dale: he's updated his blogpost, with the links this time. Cheers, m'dear!


Do #welovetheNHS ? Not really

What a lot of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Thousands of tweets, hundreds of blogs, facebook groups, one of the top stories on the 'Today' program.

Do we love the NHS? Or more accurately, do #welovethenhs ?

Do the public love the NHS? Of course we don't love it. How can you love any absolutely massive, necessarily faceless bureaucracy? Does anybody 'love' the Indian Railway company? No? Well, they're one of only two organizations larger than the NHS. The other one is the Chinese Army. Do you 'love' them? Thought not.

And anyway, what's to love? Unless its just that blind, misplaced love that sometimes affects people: "I know 'e drinks, and comes home late, and sees other women, and knocks me about, but I still love 'im". Perhaps its the same with the NHS: "I know its a huge, wasteful beauracracy, and a massive sink for taxpayers money, and people still die on piss-soaked trolleys in corridors, but I still love it".

And do all those politicians love the NHS? Nah. Get real.

What politicians love is political opportunity. And this is a huge opportunity for Labour - the best they've had for months. By associating themselves closely with the NHS (after all, they invented it), and by cynically pushing the line that the evil Tories 'hate' it, Labour can create a lovely big dividing line between the two parties, and campaign endlessly on it over the coming months. No wonder they leapt on it with such alacrity.

And, even though Parliament's on holiday, no problem: it can all be done on the Internet, by their shiny new online campaigning groups. Labour have belatedly woken up to the possibilities of the web, after years of not "getting it". Now they have tens of 'resting' students and young activists, pounding Twitter, Facebook and Blogger from dawn to dusk, pausing every few minutes for a free Coca Cola and an update on today's 'message'.

For every deluded 'real' individual twittering that they loved the NHS ("because they give me medicine for FREE #welovethenhs"), there were 10 Labour sockpuppets, useful idiots like 'BevaniteEllie', tweeting soundbites "evil Tories , sack Dan Hannan #welovethenhs".

Wake up! This is barely about the NHS - its about cynical political opportunism.

And before you start with all the " nan wouldn't be with us..", "..they cured me mam's bunions.." bollocks, hang on a minute.

CF's second child was delivered in an NHS hospital, premature, ghastly complications, emergency cesarean section, blood, ambulances, the works. CF is extraordinarily, eternally grateful to the doctors, nurses, surgeons et al who literally saved his daughter's (and possibly saved his wife's) life.

But in spite of that, CF still doesn't 'love' the NHS. CF is not so dewy eyed as to think that all of this happened just because an oddly named Welsh bloke had a 'good idea' back in the 40's. The outcome could well have been very similar elsewhere. It's highly likely that private doctors, or French doctors, or even American doctors, and probably Japanese doctors, would have done exactly the same.

If CF 'loves' anything, he loves the idea that some people are prepared to dedicate their lives to saving and curing others. That's worth respecting, and being grateful for.



Oh DO f*ck off, Nanny Labour

The current government's never-ending obsession with our health is having a detrimental affect on CF's personal health: every time he hears of the latest piece of demented fuckwittery from Nanny State, his blood pressure creeps even higher.

The reading nearly went off the scale when CF learned that Andy Burnham, the Health Secretary, has just announced that he has ordered doctors to write “prescriptions” detailing the "amount of exercise patients should take in order to get healthy".

Aarggghhhhh. Can you die of rage? The lights are getting dimmer. Nurse!

For fuck's sake. Why is every fucking Labour supporter and useful idiot in the land Twittering '#welovethenhs' over and over, when it can't even cope with keeping people well unless they live their lives the government-prescribed way?

Is this serious? Yes it is:

"As part of the Government’s Let’s Get Moving campaign, GPs are being encouraged to write out detailed programmes, with a weekly plan of activities such as gym sessions, evening sports classes and weekend team events."

"Elderly and less active patients will be steered towards walking groups, yoga sessions in community centres or even ballroom dancing lessons. "

Dear God. Is there nothing this bunch of fuckwits considers to be none of their fucking business?
And don't think you can just nod and smile at Nanny, then ignore her advice:

"Follow-up appointments will be made with doctors or nurses based in GP practices to ensure that patients are sticking to their prescriptions."

"Those who struggle to keep up will be given tips and advice on sticking to a fitness regime, or may be offered alternative suggestions for exercises and activities more suited to their lifestyle. "

"GPs need to agree a goal with a patient, help them to stick to it and check up on them."

Check up on them? What the flying fuck is this? Post-war East Germany? What's the story, Andy? Why are you doing this? Well, Andy feels that

"he wanted to encourage the public to take part in a “golden decade” of physical activity"

A Golden Decade? What kind of fucking talk is that? Has CF fallen asleep and woken up in Moscow in 1979? Are there going to be giant statues of grinning athletes and healthy factory workers in every square in every town? Are we going to give Susan Boyle some steroids so she can sweep the board at the 2012 olympics?

And this isn't a one-off, is it? Oh no.

Patently Rubbish has spotted (yet another) ridiculous government 'intiative': this one is to get us all dancing. Dancing? Yes: Arlene 'bit too old' Philips has been appointed as a 'Dance Champion', some sort of Tsarina of the Dance, to get us all up and off our lazy arses. Dear god. You really couldn't make this shit up.

Oh, and there's more. SubRosa recently protested about the governments urge to prevent supermarkets offering "Buy One Get One Free" deals.

Apparently, we're all far too fucking stupid to be trusted to do our own shopping. We might buy two, then throw one away, if we're not properly instructed and supervised. Or, worse, we might buy two, then eat both. Then get fat. Oh, what are we like?

CF himself recently lambasted the last idiotic idea from Andy 'come on, its good for you' Burnham, tricking us into going swimming by running a little competition to invent a new swimming stroke.

Naturally, we can't be trusted to choose to go swimming without some lovely little reward, can we? And if we don't go swimming, we might get fat, mightn't we? Especially if we ate both of those pies we got from Tesco yesterday.

Surely, surely, there are enough things wrong with Parliament, with this country and in the world that the Government should have a full-time job sorting out real issues. Why are they obsessed with prying into our lives, patronising us with these pathetic initiatives?

As Patently says:

"It is the Government's job to keep me safe via an effective army, an effective police force, and an effective justice system ..
It is emphatically not the Government's job to hire people to nag me to do stuff that the Government may think is in my best interests"

CF would put it a little more succinctly: Nanny? Fuck off, would you?


Baby P - the real victims?

In all the furore and prurient reportage around the death of Baby P (or - stop press, this just in - 'Peter'), it's all too easy to forget that others have suffered too.

That's right - many of the people associated with this case have had their careers blighted and their reputations damaged; some have even lost their jobs.

There's the doctor, Sabah Al-Zayyat, scapegoated and dismissed; and all because she didn't spot that the toddler she was examining had a broken back. After all, its not like you can see a spine, is it? How's anyone supposed to know everything thats wrong with a child, just by examining it? And yet, for this oversight, the unfortunate doctor's career has been abruptly terminated.

But there's a ray of hope for Doctor Al-Zayyat. She's bravely picked herself up from this setback and trotted along to a tribunal. If she wins, she could get her job back and claim 65,000 compensation for this terrible insult to her abilities. Best of luck, Sabah!

Maria Ward, Peter's Social Worker, has also been dismissed, on some trumped up 'Gross Misconduct' charges. Why? Apparently because she failed to spot any problems with Baby P. But the poor, overworked lady had only been able to see him on nine seperate occasions. That's not really enough to form an opinion, is it?

And, to make her job harder, the child's carers had completely disguised his horrendous multiple injuries by putting some chocolate on him. How was she supposed to see through that? There was nothing in the training about that. Hope the tribunal solves your problem, like, Maria.

Cecilia Hitchen, number 2 in the Child Protection agency, is also taking her case to a tribunal. She lost her 80,000 pound a year job without compensation, and really, she thinks this is most unfair. After all, she was only a senior manager - its not like she was actually talking to these ghastly dysfunctional families and their unfortunate kids. So why's she been dragged in?

The list of victims goes on. There's Gillie Christou, who was Maria 'is that a bruise no its chocolate' Ward's supervisor. There's Clive Preece, Head of Safeguarding at Haringey. Both have also been sacked, purely because they made the decision to send Peter back to his mother, rather than placing him with a foster family. Anyone can make a mistake, right? Both are appealing, of course.

But in all of this tragic affair, the person who has probably suffered the most is poor, poor Sharon Shoesmith. She was on a salary of 130,000 pounds as Head of Childrens Services. But she never got to see that salary grow; it was snatched away from her after a few short years. It might have grown into a salary of which she could be proud. But not now.

Luckily, Sharon is receiving financial support, so she can take her case of unfair dismissal to the High Court, and perhaps get this monstrous wrong overturned. Fingers crossed, Shazza!

So, spare a thought for these unfortunate people, and try to imagine their suffering.

We should all follow the progress of these tribunals, and make sure that - no matter how long it takes - justice is done.


UAF: nutters, but well organised nutters

After their triumphant thrashing of some fascists/football supporters (you choose) in Birmingham over the weekend, Unite Against Fascism must be feeling energised, and raring to go. So many fascists, so little time.

Prior to the gig in Brum', they were last seen in Westminster, disrupting a Nick Griffin press conference, using reasoned shouting, thoughtful shoving and carefully considered eggs.

Its a bit of a motif, this supressing the views of those they disagree with. Remember this famous, and hilarious, quote?

"We don't believe in free speech - for fascists"

So, busy times ahead, with all those fascists up and down the land needing shouting down and beating up, eh?

Mind you, its not like money's a problem - the UAF is a fake charity, funded by Unison and the Home Office, so there's cash a-plenty. Let's get going, lads!

A letter went out to UAF members last night, setting out their upcoming program of events. Apparently, the good folk of the UAF are..

".. gearing up for a series of demonstrations against the fascists this month, culminating in a mass protest against the BNP's annual rally in the village of Codnor, Derbyshire, on Saturday 15 August"

Come on lads, lets descend upon a village in Derbyshire, and start a fight! The villagers won't mind, because we'll be fighting Fascism. On their village green. They'll be delighted.

"The BNP pretends that its rally is a "family friendly festival". "

Family friendly? Great, there'll be kids there. Fascist kids. They're really easy to beat up. Especially the girls.

"The event is also likely to feature "guests" from the BNP's new allies in the European parliament"

Better still, there'll be foreigners there. We hate foreigners, don't we? Don't we? Oh no, we don't. But we hate fascists, so we can beat these foreigners up.

Unite Against Fascism supporters up and down the country are organising coaches to get protesters to Codnor, Derbyshire, at 9am on Saturday 15 August to join the protests against this rally. Here's a list of coaches and contacts for each.. .. For those coming from Liverpool, see group here:..

Well, this is all organised beautifully isn't it? Mussolini himself couldn't have put together a better timetable.

Our fucking money, paid out by the Home Office, is paying for a load of coaches, to transport a load of crazed activists to a village in Derbyshire, so they can scream, shout, hurl eggs and disrupt and suppress a gathering they don't agree with.

Thank fuck someone is standing up against Fascism, eh?


Labourgraph biased? Nah..

The Daily Telegraph, for many years a staunchly right wing paper, has been accused recently of changing its political clothes, and snuggling up to the Labour party. No, CF can't begin to guess why either.

CF finds himself in possession of today's copy. (Readers should note that this was purchased only to procure the 'free' bottle of water, for medical reasons. Dehydration. Well, hangover.).

But, while the damn thing's here, let's have a little browse, shall we? Oh, here's an interesting story, top of page 3.

A woman in Peterborough got pissed, then got it into her head that she should top herself. Being pissed, she decided the best way to end it all was to drive head-on into another car.

The silly bitch failed to off herself, but did manage to seriously injure some other poor sod, in the car she hit. As a result, she's been banged up for a few months.

A reasonably juicy story, and - of course - several lessons to be learned for all of us there, m'kay?

But one thing absent from this story is any political angle. It's got drink, it's got fast cars, serious injury and a prison sentence. Just no politics.

So how does the story open? What's the very first line in the Telegraph?

"The wife of a Conservative councillor has been jailed.."

Ah! Now all becomes clear. She's no ordinary person; in fact - are you listening Hattie? - she's not a person in her own right at all, she's someone's wife. And that 'someone', that man, who is clearly behind all of this, has political affiliations. With the - ugh - Conservative party.

Take note everyone, the Tories are evil bastards, and if elected will proceed to slay hundreds in alcohol- fueled suicide attempts. Vote Labour, and prevent this madness.

Did we get that right?


Advice for Rail Travellers

Rail users! The summer holidays are here. Why not take the young 'uns into the town - by train, of course! You could go to a museum, take in a matinee, or just enjoy the colourful stalls of the craft market. And then, at then end of the day, when the little ones are quite worn out, back on the train and home to bed!

Except, don't. Please don't. Don't try to travel with your family during the week, during the rush hour, for fucks' sake. It's called 'rush hour' for a fucking reason.

Don't be surprised when a bunch of over-tired, overheated commuters, who have to do this every fucking day, don't give up their seats for your precious offspring. You chose to travel at this time - we have to.

Don't go to a major railway station right at the height of fucking rush hour, and then be - 'oh dear' - disappointed when there are aren't four empty seats round a table where you can all share your Ribena 'n' Pringles.

Don't wonder aloud at the fact that poor little Sophie can't sit down, even though she's "shattered" after running round some bloody 'kid-friendly' exhibits for the last 2 hours. We've been busting our humps, working for The Man, since before you even got up this morning. We turned up at the station 30 minutes before the fucking train even appeared, to make sure we got a seat. You turn up just as the doors are closing - on the busiest train of the day - and still you wonder - out loud, over and over again - why you've got to strap hang when you "paid for a seat, didn't we David?".

And when we travel home on the 5:15, sweaty, tired and angry, we don't want your munchkins kicking our shins, clambering on the seats and standing on our feet with their stupid flashing trainers. Your pale, slightly ginger, children, with their oddly wet lips, repel us. Even - yes, really - even those of us that have children of our own. Not here, not now. We're not interested in your spawns' colouring skills, and we really don't need to hear a list of dinosaur names yelled in high-pitched voices. And we hate the smell of Monster Munch in the evening.

By all means, take your children out, show them the world. Broaden and enrich their little minds.

Just don't do it on the train, at rush hour, eh? Please?


Summer of Rage? The first race riot?

We know the Met office was wrong in telling us it would be a 'Barbecue Summer' - they're wrong every year.

We were also told it was going to be 'Summer of Rage' as everyone rose up and took to the streets. There's been precious little sign of that. Until yesterday.

Those charmless fuckwits of the hilariously named 'Unite Against Facism' - we've talked about those twats before, haven't we? - took to the streets of Birmingham, in what they called a 'Counter Protest' to another planned protest by the oddly named 'Casuals United', who claimed to be football fans.

Football fans or no, they had the temerity to be chanting 'England, England' in .. err .. England, within the hearing of the local Asian population. That was perilously close to fascism, so one of them was selected to be shown why fascism is a bad thing. Because it gets you a good kicking from a bunch of Anti-fascists, see?

Doubtless that's one fascist who'll be mending his ways, and who'll behave a lot better towards his fellow-countrymen, even if they are of a different hue.

Is this the start of a 'Summer of Rage'? Was this a 'race riot'? Or was it a dress rehearsal for some football hooliganism, now the season's kicking off? Or was it just another 'Unite Against Fascism' show of power?

CF's not sure, but the pictures are worth a thousand words...

Hat-tip to Letters From a Tory for the pictures. He doesn't say whether he took them himself or not.


Mandelson: all shall have prizes

CF has been reading the Sunday Times online this morning, prior to Lord Rupert of Sky hiding it away in the pay-per-view section of the intenet, alongside all the p0rn and get-rich-quick schemes.

And what he saw made him, inevitably, furious.

Apparently, My Lord High Mandelson, the King Over The Water, is up to his mischief again..

"..drawing up plans to overhaul university entry that could see applicants from poor families awarded a two-grade “head start” over better-off candidates."

"One of the effects would be to “bump out” many middle-class candidates at high-performing independent and grammar schools from popular courses at leading universities."

Why the fuck would he want that? According to the ST,

"He sees such changes not as positive discrimination but as a policy at the heart of Labour’s drive to improve social mobility in Britain."

"Mandelson is acting on the recent report by Alan Milburn, the former health secretary, to weaken the middle-class grip on professional jobs."

What? What? The fucking Secretary of Sate for Business is acting on a report by the former Secretary of State for Health to make changes to Education? Talk about a government of all the talents. Perhaps Blinky Balls, who's supposed to have something to do with education, will have something to say about, perhaps, the economy. Oh, that's right, he did. It was all lies, but he did.

Some of this arrant nonsense has begun already:

"A scheme at King’s College London adds a catch-up year to its medicine programme for 50 low-income comprehensive pupils admitted annually from London and Kent on reduced A-level offers."

Oh, so they don't do 'just as well' then? The poor lambs need a whole extra fucking year - an extra 33% of cost - just to catch up with those with whom they are supposedly 'equal in every way'? Fucking brilliant.

And, of course, let's not forget, those 50 places were filled at the expense of 50 other students, who didn't get offered a place, purely because they were unfortunate enough to have been educated at better schools.

But no matter, the ideology steamroller trundles on. In a speech two weeks ago, Mandelson warned that he was going to “turn up the spotlight” on university admissions, "particularly at Cambridge, Oxford and other highly ranked institutions".

The views of those institutions are not included in the article, but the ST does quote one Kenton Lewis, Head of Widening Participation at St George’s medical school, London..

Hang on, wait a second .. Head of what? Widening Participation? For fuck's sake. So, as well as a Head of Admissions, whose role it is to select the right students each year, we must now also pay (and pay we undoubtably will) for a 'Head of Widening Participation', whose role it is to override the admissions process and get some different students in. Dear God.

Sorry, where were we? Oh yes, Kenton Lewis. Naturally, he's in favour of this fuckwittery (after all, it keeps him in a non-job) justifying it in what must be the Left's quote of the decade:

“Treating everyone the same way is not appropriate and not equitable”

And there you have it. In a nutshell. Exactly what's wrong with the left, with NuLabour, and exactly what's wrong with their fuckwitted supporters currently infesting academia.

Student intake of 2009-10? Don't fucking bother .. get a job instead .. oh, no, wait ...


Labour: they don't give a shit

Andrew Sparrow, over at the Guardian, has been looking at Parliamentary trends over recent decades. Many of them give support to CF's belief that everything, everything, is getting slowly, inexorably worse in the Mother of Parliaments, ever since this current bunch of fucking chancers prised the levers of power from John Major's grey and trembling hands.

Parliament is sitting less. Every year since 1998 the number of sitting days per session has been below the postwar average.

Parliament is passing fewer acts. From the '50s to the '70s it was common for parliament to pass 60 acts or more per year. The postwar record was 98 in 1964. But since Labour's return to power, 30 or 40 acts per year has been more normal, and in 2005 parliament hit a postwar record low when just 24 acts were passed.

In spite of this deliciously easy, light workload, MP's continue to trough away, greedily grabbing all of their 'entitlements', taking larger and larger amounts to line their own pockets.

People have never thought less of these thieving incompetents. Calls for change grow shriller. But no-one's listening.

Do you think that Gordon Brown knows any of this? Probably not. If he did, do you think he'd give a shit? Nah. He doesn't care what we think. He's gone off on holiday.

And in doing so, has further demonstrated Labour's contempt for the people, taking us to what must be a new low in 'government'.

This country - in the middle of a deep recession and in the middle of a war - is currently being officially run by Lord Mandelson. A man who has had to resign as a Member of Parliament twice. A man who has not been elected by anyone to his current post. A man who is currently abroad, on fucking holiday.

Jesus Christ. They really don't care any more, do they?


(Made up) Quote of the Week

"I got a drug dealer to jerk off into a paper cup and then dribble the contents into my fanny so I wouldn't get hanged in a Vientiane jail. That's why you'll always be Mummy's special little girl!"

Fellow angry-Blogger Mr Euginedes, imagining what Samantha Orabator, who has escaped a Laos jail by becoming pregnant whilst inarcerated, might say to her child when those awkward "where am I from, Mummy?" questions crop up.

Samantha Orabator? Unusual surname. And it would make a good name for the process she's just carried out: "Pregnant? How? You haven't been Orabating, have you?"


Global disaster: Twitter goes down

Oh dear god, nooo!!! The unimaginable has happened. Draw the curtains, gather the family near. This is not going to be easy.

Twitter .. is not working.

This is unthinkable. How will we know whether @StephenFry has had his poo today?

How will the lonely, 50-something, lifetime socialist spinster behind the facade of the gorgeous, pouting @BevaniteEllie be able continue to praise the Labour party for everything from making the sun come up this morning to inventing kittens?

How will @oleuanna and @trouserquandry be able to continue their wildly fucking irritating online flirt-a-thon?

How will the poor intern who has to pretend to be @johnprescott manage to dispense gritty pearls of Northern wisdom?

What, in short, will become of Western civilization?

CF couldn't give a flying fuck, frankly.

It's far too hot. Time for a cold beer, and a 'real' conversation with someone in the same room..


What does the BBC think?

Here's a little topical quiz for CF's readers. There are 3 questions.

Question 1.
Below are some headlines, all taken from Google News today, all on the same topic.

Have a look through them, and - using your skill and judgment - work out which one came from the BBC:

Blunders by MoD 'costs us billions'
Brown 'suppressed defence report'
Government 'panicked' by report of MoD wasting billions
Brown 'buried' report showing £2.5bn wasted on defence
MoD wastes £2.5bn a year on wrong kit
Brown "suppressed" report revealing billions wasted by MoD
UK wasting billions on defence projects-report
MoD wasting billions of pounds due to 'incompetence'
Critical procurement report buried
MoD 'wasting up to £2.5bn a year'

Which one? Well, actually, none of them. It was a trick question. The BBC's headline is:

Defence report 'not suppressed'

Question 2:
What is the difference between the BBC's headline and all of the others?

Question 3:
The BBC is staffed by a bunch of fucking left wing lickspittles, happy to mindlessly trot out the governments' spin without query or comment. Discuss.


Guest blog: A bit less rape, please

Harriet Harman appears to be on a mission to piss off every last man, woman and child on the planet.

On reading this piece, in the Times, regarding Hattie's latest brainwave, a good friend of CF's feels the need, the need to vent. He has no blog to call his own. But no matter. CF is very happy to provide a venue, an outlet, a valve to reduce the pressure. All posters are welcome here.

Anonymity is preserved, scrupulously. A pseudonym will be created, for this very angry, quite Welsh individual.

So, take it away, JonesTheSteam:

One excellent way of increasing the number of convictions for rape would be to convict people who are not guilty - however for some reason the bovine electorate have always been resistant to this method of improving the success of the criminal justice system. While Harman believes people should be found "guilty in the court of public opinion" our outdated criminal laws require people to be considered "guilty beyond reasonable doubt" as opposed to "looking a bit shifty, so despite the absence of evidence, let’s bang him up for a decade". The requirement to prove guilt beyond reasonable doubt is a high hurdle to conviction - but it should be, conviction has terrible consequences for the offender. Some factually guilty people go free. Some factually innocent people get convicted. Tough, no system is perfect. But if you lower the standard of proof required for conviction - particularly for an offence like rape where typically only perpetrator and victim are present - you risk the increased fear and disrespect for the justice system, and more people convicted wrongly - which is as bad, perhaps worse, than a guilty person going free. It is typical of the government that it wants to tinker recklessly with systems and statistics to want to set targets for the number of rape trials leading to conviction - great, let’s fill up the jails until they actually burst open. We should not be targeting more convictions – we should be targeting fewer rapes and sexual assaults.

But it is too hard to discuss and address real problem because that risks making hard decisions and enemies of party-funding interest groups.

That would require looking at sex education in schools - oh, tricky that risks looking a bit pervy. Or uncontrolled discount alcohol sales in supermarkets - oh but the grocers might not like it. Or the media culture of celebrating and normalising frequent casual sex - not to mention drug and alcohol abuse, by celebrities in particular - but that might upset the media who might not like us. Or the treatment of women in the media; where the state broadcaster has no shame in sacking wrinkly but experienced women, where what was porn is now a pop video, where children’s TV discusses shagging and generally promotes the objectification of women and the coolness of casual sex. Not that I’m not keen myself but any man who gets to 17 in 2009 without forming the opinion from the media around him that he has the right to shag anyone he fancies deserves a medal. But lets not risk looking uncool by suggesting responsible media should feel obliged to discuss how real women behave, how they might look sexy but not want sex, how they might not want to be treated as objects – but no, easier to make programmes/newspaper features about the ever increasing/decreasing size of Jordan’s norks – a woman who has made a career out of being the woman that makes men want to splash out on magazines that feature her.

Or the destruction of playing fields, physical ed in schools, swimming pools that used to play a part in giving "yoof" alternative activities to wandering round town centres looking for a shag - but who was in charge for the last 12 years? And who allowed town centres to be denuded of community in the name of free enterprise, for supermarkets to move to edge of town and uncontrolled expansion of on-licences so that after 7pm our city centres become one long vomit-soaked shag-fest. Or the celebration of making money over public service so that the youth club leaders scout masters, guide leaders, football/rugby/netball team coaches now are all made to feel a) like saddos who could be driving Porsches if only they weren’t wasting their time serving their communities and b) they are latent child molesters. In any case who want to fund boring local community activities that need £500 for some goalposts when you can piss away an ocean of capital on sheds in east London to be used for three weeks in 2012.

Honestly its enough to make one quite Furious.


Bravo! please show your appreciation for this fine guest blogger. And please let CF know if you'd like to do same.



BBC - hypocrisy

BBC newsreader, George Alagiah, is a patron of the leading charity, the Fairtrade Foundation.

CF doesn't really have the time to worry much about Fairtrade, and is as happy with a glass of dolphin tears as with some reeking tea leaves that have been flown halfway around the world by Sting and Bob Geldof.

However, many others buy into this idea, and CF has been forced in the past to give several Fairtrade bores a good listening to.

But not George. As far as CF is aware, Alagiah has never paused in a news story, put down his papers and gone off on a rant about Kenyan goats' cheese.

And he does not end each story by miming the shaking of a handful of Nicauraguan coffee beans, with a cheeky wink.

And when selecting bananas in his local greengrocer, CF has never thought "now, which sort did George recommend last night, just after that story about the couple who murdered their children?".

Why, one could almost say his patronage of the Fairtrade cause has had - what's the term? - No fucking effect whatsover on his day job. To reinforce this, Alagiah recently discussed the complaints he has had over the last seven years: none. Not a fucking one.

But this is not good enough for the post-Ross, soon to be post-Labour, BBC. Oh no. George has been made to give up his role with the charity.

The BBC has not had the courtesy to tell the charity why this might be, but "it is understood" that his role "breached impartiality rules." What the fuck?

An un-named Corporation spokeswoman added "the BBC has guidelines to ensure our impartiality is protected. This is paramount". What? Is it?

Has anyone told Jim "..if we win the next election.." Naughtie about this?

Does Nick "What shall I tell them, Gordon?" Robinson know?

Will Sir Lord Csar Alan fucking Sugar be fully briefed on this 'paramount impartiality' before he begins to film the Party Poliical Broadcast on Apprentices?

The endless, blatant biases of the BBC are too numerous, and too tedious, to list here. But its pretty fucking clear that pushing certain types of coffee is not among them.

Just to make this situation even fucking richer, one of Alagiah's bosses, who may well have been involved in the preposterous decision to cut off George's Fairtrade links, is BBC1 controller Jay Hunt.

The same Jay Hunt is a director of a company, alongside her husband, that makes its money charging the BBC to train its staff.

CF can only assume that the training does not include a session on 'Spotting and Resolving Conflicts of Interest'.

You fuckwits.



Northern Rock : still hungry

Northern Rock has today reported a loss of £724 million for the first six months of 2009. They've done even better than last year, when they only managed to make a loss of £585 million in the first half.

It currently 'owes' the government (surely, 'the taxpayer') nearly £11 billion quid, and is waiting for European regulatory clearance for even more fucking funding.

Where the fuck does all that money go? Some doubtless is written off, on the silly sods who took out mortgages they were never going to be able to repay, but longer-term readers of CF's witterings might recall this piece about Northern Rock and the ways in which they're spending our fucking money.

While seeking employment in Financial Services earlier this year, CF discovered an employer that had multiple vacancies, was paying more than any of the large global 'players' in the traditionally extravagant City of London, and although based 'up North' was offering to pay for weekly flights from all over the country for workers to 'commute by air'. Wow.

The employer merrily hurling all that cash around was, of course, Northern Rock. The Northern Rock that belongs to us, the taxpayers. The Northern Rock that is currently running on our fucking money.

It's well known that good ol' Gordon Brown is keen to sell Northern Rock - there have been talks with Tesco - just as soon as he can. As CF said weeks ago:

Clearly the instruction has gone out to urgently polish the turd, patch it up a bit. Stuff it full of highly paid 'Interim' directors and managers, make it look like a proper company, then flip it to a greengrocer as soon as possible.

And why does Brown want rid? For sound, prudent fiscal reasons? Nah.

He wants to sell it solely to prevent the hated Tories and the evil Cameron getting any kudos by selling it in the future - undoubtedly for a whole lot more - when it's properly fixed, and when the markets have recovered. So, Gordon says, Northern Rock must be sold, and sold now.

And that's what costing serious fucking money. Money on consultants, inflated salaries for temporary staff, money to recruitment agencies, money for tens for endless flights up and down the country: the 'investment' is enormous.

But that's not a problem to Gordon. Its not his money, and in his little hate-filled world, it's millions well spent if it makes him look slightly better, and thwarts those nasty Tories.


Nanny takes us swimming

Now that everything is sorted out, the economy is fixed, swine flu has been eradicated, the war in Afghanistan has been won and poverty and inequality are just a distant memory, the triumphant and successful Labour government can concentrate on the more trivial aspects of society, and really begin to help us all, in every way.

That must be the case, mustn't it? After all, look at this: Secretary of State for Health, Andy Burnham (isn't he the one that cured swine flu?) is calling on kids up and down the country to help create a brand new swimming stroke.

A what?A fucking what? A "brand new swimming stroke"? What the flying fuck does he want one of those for?

"The national competition to kick off Swim4Life, part of Change4Life, asks youngsters to send their ideas, including a description of how they came up with their new stroke, a picture that inspired it and a suggested name."

A senior member of the cabinet has announced a painting competition for the kiddies? What the fuck? And what's with all the txt-speak? Swim4Life? Change4Life? And, hey, 'Kids'?

Secretary of State, Timmy Mallet, sorry, Andy Burnham, said:

"The competition is all about getting kids moving in the water where their bodies have to work harder than on dry land - be it the dolphin, the penguin or the wriggly worm stroke."

“Taking the kids swimming is a great way of making sure they’re moving around and having fun.

“I hope this competition will see even more families take the plunge and head to their local pool to think up an inventive new stroke.

Ah! Now we're getting to the real point. Andy Burnham couldn't give a tiny rat's arse about any 'new swimming stroke', even if it is beautifully described, and comes with a lovely little painting. Nah.

This is the State as our mummy, telling us what to do , telling us how to bring up our children, making sure we all eat our veg and generally patronising the living fuck out of us all: 'You'd better go swimming tomorrow, but don't worry, Nanny's thought of a lovely game we can play at the pool'.

Just in case we'd missed the point behind this clumsy, patronising, half-witted effort, 'Andy' reminds us

Swimming is a great way to get the 60 active minutes kids need everyday. It’s also a great way for families to be active together over the summer months."

Jesus Christ. What the fuck did we do before this nannying, patronising Labour government came to power? How did we fucking manage? How did children even make it to adulthood without this constant fucking barrage of unsolicited advice to their hapless parents?

Do you know, it's been going on for such a fucking long time, it's hard to remember.

Hat-tip to the lovely Ivor for pointing out this utter fucking absurdity, in an email to

Send more examples to the same address when you find 'em, folks.