The long arm of the volcano reaches everyone. Apparently, many schools have had to close, because so many teachers are stuck abroad. We're told that:

"..schools reported that as many as a quarter of teachers were stranded abroad."

So difficult is the situation that:

"Some primaries and secondaries even told pupils to stay away for up to a week because of staff shortages."

But hang on, hang on a fucking minute.

Haven't we always been told that it's callous and rude and naughty and wrong to assume that teachers enjoy the same preposterously long holidays as their nit-ridden pupils?

Aren't we supposed to believe that, while Kylie and Wayne are enjoying themselves on holiday, the poor old teachers are slaving away in the empty schools, preparing the next round of green indoctrination?

If that were true, how come up to 1 in 4 teachers weren't even in the fucking country 3 or 4 days before term started then?  Particularly this term, the term that contains all the fucking GCSE's, and the A-levels and the other bloody qualifications they're supposed to be teaching?

Is this just a giant, global fucking duvet day?

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One thing that has characterised the recent bitter, freezing winters we are having (a symptom, no doubt, of global warming) is the increasing willingness of the population to bravely face up to the challenge of weather conditions by remaining beneath their grubby duvets for most of January.

Teachers, who already enjoy more holidays than a Jamaican snowplough operative, are among the worst offenders.

At the first sign of a snowflake, the local radio station stops playing Lady Gaga's latest, and starts broadcasting long lists of the endless schools that are closed, or about to close, or will be suspending operations until the fields are white with daisies.

This is of course a royal pain in the arse for those parents who have been good enough to go to work.

Now they have to leave work, and scurry to collect their children in the middle of the day.

Nicola Wilkin was one such mother: she got a telephone call at work from Monkfield Park primary school, Cambourne telling her it was shutting – and asking her to come at once to pick up her two children.

She was a bit surprised and rather pissed off, since by her estimation "only about a centimetre" of snow had fallen locally.

She was even more pissed off because she was a teacher herself, at another school a few miles up the road, which had seen no necessity to throw in the towel having seen a centimetre of fucking snow.

Not only that, but she was actually teaching a class herself when the urgent call came through, and had to abandon them so as to 'rescue' her own kids.

After she had fought her way through the raging, arctic blizzard, wolves snapping at her heels..

"..there was only about a centimetre of snow on the ground, but someone at the school said it was closing because of the "treacherous" road conditions."

What the fuck?

A spokesman for Cambridgeshire County Council said the closure of the primary school was made by the head teacher in view of the weather conditions. So not you then, you timid weasel? No:

"In such circumstances, it is not the responsibility of the county council to close schools – it is each individual head teacher’s decision alone to do that if they feel it is necessary."

Well done that Headmaster. You summoned parents, including other teachers, away from their jobs, just so you and your fucking Hobnob-munching staff wouldn't have to do yours.

Looking forward to half-term? If the snow carries on much longer, you might get there without having to bother open your fucking school at all.

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