Constantly Furious

The Apple fan-boys finally got to find out exactly what their Messiah has been doing for the last few months.

For almost a year, they've been hunched over their blurred firsts, endlessly muttering 'Steve, the tablet, Steve ... the taaaaaablet', to the consternation of all around them.

And now, here it is. The iPad. Gosh, it looks like an iPhone, but a whole lot bigger.

There's a lot more screen to scratch, and a lot fewer places to put the fucking thing when it starts to rain, or when a mugger begins to eye your new 'must-have' toy.

While, of course, the iPad will change the way we .. err ... tap shiny things in exasperation, there are some things it can't do:

* it can't be read in the bath, like a paperback;
* it can't be whipped out of a pocket to jot a quick note, like a notepad;
* it can't be folded up and read in one hand on a crowded train, like a newspaper;
* it can't take quick pictures, like every other mobile phone made since 2007
* it can't be replaced for 50 pence when you leave it on a bus, like an exercise book;
* it can't be held to your ear so you can speak to a loved one, like a phone;

and, naturally,

* it can't help but make you look a total twat, the very first time you whip it out in a bar;

What an ant-iClimax.