The Prince of Darkness, the "cuddly pussycat", my Lord High Mandelson, is a smooth operator. As he climbs the slippery rungs of power, he rarely puts a foot wrong.

But even the most cunning are not infallible, and it seems that his Lordship may have tripped up.

Lord Mandelson announced over the weekend that, as a result of his taking responsibility for 'Digital Policy' - and in spite of a recent government Digital Britain report saying otherwise - that one of 'his' governments main aims is to make life unpleasant for those who download films and music from the internet without paying.

Because that's what's really dragging this once-great nation down, isn't it? Never mind the recession, the bloated public sector and soaring crime, eh? What really keeps CF awake at night is wondering if Lady Gaga is getting all of her royalties.

According to Foy-Boy, in future those who indulge in this most heinous of crimes will be fined an entirely reasonable 50,000 pounds or - much, much worse - have their Internet connection cut off. If the perpetrator is too young to pay the fine, no problems - the parents will be pursued instead.

So how did this sudden epiphany come about for Peter? Is this something that always been close to his evil black heart? Was he moved after finding a former Spice Girl begging at a tube-station? Was my Lord visited by an angel, looking rather like Robbie Williams, in his dreams? Nah.

Mandelson 'decided' that the poor, innocent, beleaguered music and film industries needed a dose of Labour 'real help' after meeting David Geffen, a Hollywood mogul, in the Rothschild's sumptuous luxury villa in Corfu.

So that's just fucking nice, isn't it? A man who has made millions from the movies sat down with a man who has somehow acquired millions whilst in politics, in the luxury villa of a family also worth millions, and discussed how they might prevent teenagers downloading the latest Girls Aloud track without paying 1 pound and 79 fucking pence for it.

Mandy then trotted back to the UK, dabbed the champagne from his chin, and announced, in traditional Labour style, "something must be done".

Big mistake, Manders. Lets look at what you've achieved here, shall we?

Firstly, you've proved, yet again, that you are so fucking enthralled by the wealthy, and so eager to penetrate their social circles (pardon the innuendo), that you will eagerly indulge their every fucking whim. No need for vulgar lobbying - just get Mandy over to supper, a quiet word over the oysters and bingo! Tailor-made legislation. "I have a little chap who alters my suits for me, and another little chap who alters the law for me".

Secondly, you managed to open up another rift within your own party. Tom Watson, former Minister for Digital Engagement, and somewhat more "down with the kids" than you, Mandlebum, immediately expressed his doubts, saying that anyone trying to stop the dodgy downloads was "like King Canute". There's a ringing endorsement, eh? Watch your back, Tom.

But thirdly, Mandy, and worse yet, you've managed to piss off a vast number of young voters and potential voters. You know, the ones you should be trying to woo bcause everyone else is fucking sick of you?

The kids who spend most of their waking hours staring into a laptop, uploading endless mobile phone photos of themselves ("me 'n' shaz, two minutes ago; wicked!!!!") are exactly the same kids whose MP3 players are bursting with dodgy downloads.

And now what? Great Uncle Mandy has managed to piss off the online audience.

Such a shame for the new eLabour, eh? They've only just launched their Internet spin team, who have, it must be said, had some success astro-turfing the #welovethenhs campaign. Teams of enthusiastic Labour activists sat late into the night, pounding Twitter, Facebook and Blogger with carefully engineered soundbites.

All for naught: already last night Facebook was filling up with new angry messages. Way to engage the yoof, Mandy! They'd never thought about politics before, but now, as 'Max', a student and Facebook buddy of CF's, says, "..here's why i'm not voting labour anytime soon..".

Oh dear. As Britney puts it, on CF's download of her first album, "Ooops, I did it again.."


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Let's have a look at Peter Mandelson's statement this morning, regarding George Osborne, shall we?

The actual "yes-he-did, no-he-didn't" heart of the disagreement will never be resolved, as it's the words of one bunch of charlatans versus those of another, so we can set aside the pursuit of the actual facts: we'll never get to hear them.

More interesting, then, to take a look at the tone, and the overall aim (the 'narrative', if you will) of Mandelson's statement.

On reading it, one thing becomes crystal clear: you're on pretty fucking thin ice here, Mandelson. Let's pick out a couple of your carefully engineered sound-bites, shall we, Mandy?

“There is a very unattractive pattern of behaviour"

Fuck me. He's at it already. Your whole modus operandi and your entire political career, Manders, can be summed up as "very unattractive pattern of behaviour".

Everything you do, and the way you do it, is deeply unpleasant. No historian, not even a historian formerly employed by the Labour Party - or even the BBC - is ever going to pen the words "While he may not have acheived much with his time in power, Peter Mandelson was at least an attractive politician". You probably choose what socks to put on each morning in an unpleasant, self-aggrandising and yet completely deniable way.

The statement goes on ..

"..innuendo in pursuit of a smear."

Oh ho. File that one under 'pretty fucking rich', won't you? Innuendo? Smear? That's exactly what you and your party (and these days, it really is your party) have been doing non-fucking-stop for the last 12 years; not just against the evil Tories but against each other, against any opposition to Gordon, even against fellow Cabinet MP's who've dared to have an opinion.

You, Mandiee, even used exactly that approach on George Osborne himself, when he had the temerity to hint that it may have appeared that you might have been in a secret meeting with a dodgy billionaire, a billionaire whose business you were in a perfect position to help.

No sooner had the words tripped out of his foolish mouth than he, and the Tories, were buried in an avalanche of innuendo and smear, by you, you slimy bastard. You are, it has to said, fucking good - Premier League - at the stuff you're now decrying.

"I suggest George Osborne withdraws this deliberate untruth to avoid embarrassing his leader at Prime Minister’s Questions today”

Dear God. The patronising, leering, smearing tone of this line alone would make a nun want to kick your fucking teeth in, Mandalay.

Why the fuck don't you get Gordon Brown to withdraw the hundreds of 'deliberate untruths' that we've heard pouring from his fucking odious mouth over the last few months?

Or get Ed 'Blinky' Ball's to withdraw the 'deliberate untruths', no, the utter fucking lies he trotted out yesterday?

That way, they "might avoid embarrassing" their leader - you.

Anyway, probably best for you to steer clear of even mentioning PMQ's, Mandibum. As you well know, the person who is regularly, repeatedly, inevitably embarrassed there is our unelected PM, as he pathetically bellows a mixture of made-up tractor statistics and anti-Tory lies.

And you can't help him, can you, Mandela? Because you're not there. You can't attend PMQs. Because you're not an elected MP, are you? In spite of being the most powerful man in the land, no-one ever ticked a box to say they wanted to hear your opinions; not in the Commons, not on the Today program, and not through your other tame, lickspittle media worshippers.

Just fuck off, you sanctimonious hypocrite.


Hat-tip to Paul Waugh, who seemed to be first to get Mandy's weasel words online

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