Peter Mandelson loves Universities. In fact, he seems obsessed with them. But not in a good way. More like a celebrity stalker, who feels that the lady newsreader would really enjoy his caresses, if she'd just let him try.

He just can't stop thinking about them, imagining what's best for them, what they should be doing.

Even though 'Education' is one of the few Government Departments he doesn't run, he can't resist tinkering, fiddling, sharing his views, sniping and directing from the sidelines.

And he's got some bad news for Universities today. As sneaky as ever, Mandlesnake has slipped out this news two days before Christmas: after all the 'real', elected MP's have gone home and while the entire country is in 'crisis', buried in 2 inches of slush.

Mandleson's  little Christmas present to the Universities is a huge cut in their budgets for 2010. Yup. Those same universities that struggled this year, that couldn't take on all the students wanting to attend, will get 135 million pounds less to play with next year.

And that cut is in addition to the 600 million pounds of mythical 'efficiency' savings for 2012 already dumped on the Universities in Badger Darling's PBR.

But don't worry, Uni's, Mandy's got some ideas. Some ideas on how you can do better. Better than you've managed in the hundreds of years for which you've existed. Much better - this is the NuLab way, see?

The Foy Boy's main suggestion - actually, more of an order really - is that Universities provide:

"..more programmes that are taken flexibly and part-time and that a learner can access with ease alongside their other commitments,

Oh for flying, flaming, fuck's sake. A degree is supposed to indicate that some effort has been made. That there was some commitment, possibly even - heaven forbid - some sacrifice. It shouldn't be possible to get a degree in the spare moments between cold calls in your day job. 

Not content with that simpering idiocy, Manders also dictates that he wishes to see:

“..programmes such as foundation and fast-track degrees, that can be completed full-time in two years"

Oh yeah. Fucking genius. After all, in this age of instant gratification, 3 years is a long time to have to wait for a degree, isn't it? In fact, even 2 years sounds a bit of a slog. Why not make it a couple of weeks? Dear God.

Get this straight, Mandy: if you can get a 'degree' in two years, it’s not a fucking degree is it? It's some other, simpler, qualification, isn't it?

Why is it that the fucking socialists can only achieve the 'fairness' that they bang on and on about by dragging everyone down to the lowest common denominator? By setting the hurdles at two inches, so everyone can jump them?

In their tiny 'all-shall-have-prizes' minds, everybody must a have a 'degree' from a 'university'. So they have to achieve this misguided target by calling every single further education institution a fucking university and every single poxy qualification a degree.

Oh dear god, why? Why are we letting these fuckwits ruin our once world-renowned University system?

This is getting close to an emergency. Some Universities have been around for literally hundreds of years, providing valuable, meaningful qualifications to hard-working students. In just 12 short years, the idiots in government have managed to undo all of this.

If these cuts, and these directives from High Lord Mandelson, go through next year, they will have achieved their aims. There'll be 20th Century degrees, achieved through 3 years of hard slog. And there'll by 21st century degrees, 'accessed with ease' by call centre workers in their spare time. And the old ones will be worth about ten new ones. Brilliant.

For fuck's sake, somebody get their hands off the controls.

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The eldest Furiousette received her GCSE results yesterday, and a damn fine set of results they were too. Thanks to those who wished her luck.

GCSE results were all over the media yesterday, and naturally, as Schools Secretary, the loathsome Ed Balls had something to say on the subject.

Equally naturally, as a dedicated member of the Labour Party, Balls had pretty much fuck all to say about his own policies and plans. Oh no. Nothing like that: all Government statements must be attacks on the Tories.

The public apparently doesn't need to hear about what has actually happened under this fucking inept and deceitful government - we need to hear a lot of spin and lies on what 'might' happen if we were to chuck them out and let someone else have a go.

This was Ed's little gem :

"Instead of breaking down the damaging old divide between 'excellent' academic qualifications for some and 'second class' for everybody else, the Tories seem determined to turn back the clock."

Eh? What the fuck? While trying to misrepresent those evil Tories, Blinky Balls has just inadvertently revealed some of his own bizarre socialist thinking.

So that's what Labour have been trying to do: to break down the damaging divide between those who get excellent qualifications and those who don't. To make sure everybody, regardless of skill, ability and effort, gets the 'excellent' qualifications to which they are surely entitled.

That explains everything. Of course exams have to get easier and easier. Naturally, more multiple choice papers must be introduced. Of course there must be more coursework that can be done for 'the kids' by grown-ups.

It's obvious: unless we make these exams a damn sight easier, more 'accessible', how on earth will the lazy and the not-that-bright get 'excellent' qualifications? And if they don't, well, that's not fair is it? That's not the Socialist way.

For fuck's sake.


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