CF has one of those whizzy Onepulse Barclaycards, You know, the ones you just wave near a tube station gate, or newsagent, or a suitably-equipped prostitute, to make 'contactless payment' or whatever the marketing idiots call it.

And very handy it is too. So handy, that when Barclaycard offered CF a second card, he was glad to reply "Why, yes! One for the lady wife, if you would!".

Sure enough, 10 days later, a letter arrived. Printed on cheap, thin paper, using a dot matrix printer, it tersely informed CF "Your application has been refused".

What? You fucking what?

You just offered a second card, you nonces. A card for Mrs CF, who shares the same surname, lives at the same address and is party to joint bank and mortgage accounts. So presumably has a startlingly similar credit rating to the main cardholder.

The card itself hasn't exactly been used to run up hideous debts, either. It's used most days, always cleared every month - by Mrs CF, funnily enough -  and it's got a 5 figure limit which has never, ever been exceeded.

And you weren't exactly cautious when you issued the fucking first card, were you? If CF recalls correctly, his was flogged to him by a shifty-looking bloke signing people up at Kings Cross railway station, for Christ's sake.

So why the fuck can't Mrs CF have one, you dimwitted moneylenders?

Dear god.
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By 'public', CF means the 95% of the public that seems to choose to live their lives through the medium of Facebook, rather than opening the fucking door, going outside and stepping into the sunshine.

By joining Facebook -- and particularly by signing up to the fucking endless fucking stupid quizzes ("which Friends character are you?"; "which colour jelly baby are you?"; "which infection of the urinary tract are you?") -- these people are advertising their own terminal stupidity and gullibility, and asking to be suckered and abused every waking minute of their vacuous lives.

The latest festival of imbecility to unfold before CF's disbelieving eyes is the creation of a protest group, dedicated to the stamping out the .. well, let them tell you :

"Stop the usage of dogs as live bait for sharks!"

Note the obligatory exclamation mark: that tells you just how important this is. Something must be done. Look at that poor doggie. Did you know:

"Innocent dogs (LIVE!) Are used as bait to catch sharks, and are dragged behind the boats.
Defend the rights of animals and help us putting the word "end" to this inhumane practice on the island of Reunion. We will ask the French Government to ensure that this never happens again."

In fact, its just a pathetic attempt to get the people to come to the spam, rather than vice versa, and the homepage tries to redirect everyone to some classic "make $$$ working from home" bullshit..

But has anybody noticed? Have they fuck. They're lapping it up.

How many people have joined this oh-so-worthy cause, to stamp out this evil (albeit entirely fucking imaginary) practice? 59,804 at the last reckoning. Fifty fucking nine thousand. Dear god.

The voice of the people? Democracy? There must be a better way.


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