Kevin Maguire, writing yet another tediously tendentious piece for the Daily Mirror, appears to have gone for the final push a little early. With 24 hours left, he's already banged out his dramatic 'here's what you must do' advice to an admiring public.

The piece is entitled 'Lib Dem's Stinking Laundry' , which immediately illustrates the whirling confusion in Maguire's tiny, raging mind: the Lib Dem's are mentioned only twice, in passing, the vast majority of the piece being an attack on the eeevil Tories. Still, they're all the enemy, eh, Kev? Let's slag everyone off at once.

Kevin desperately wants us to vote Labour, but - like most Labour MP's activists and supporters - he doesn't really have a fucking clue why. He loftily recommends:

"For the good of ordinary families and Britain, it must be Labour."

Really? Why should it be Labour, Kevin? Why should we vote for 5 more years of Broon's woeful party? What will they do?

"Spending in classrooms would be slashed to fund “free” schools for pushy parents to save on private fees."

What? Labour would really do that? Oh no, wait, this is negative campaigning, isn't it? You're talking about what the Tories would do; you're trying to scare us all. So what would Gordon do?

"He’d axe hundreds of thousands of jobs, abolishing employment rights."

No, no, you're still talking about Cameron, aren't you? Come on, Kevin: we want to hear how Gordon Brown's going to help us all. How he's going to clear up the godawful fucking mess he's created over the last 13 dismal years.

Go on, Kev. Give us the postive news. Tell us one thing, just one thing, Gordo' will do if were to give him another turn at the helm?

"Like his heroine Maggie Thatcher, given half a chance Cameron will show ordinary working families who is the callous boss."

You can't do it, can you, Kevin? You can't think, in your foaming desperation, of a single reason why we should vote Labour. All you can do is bang out the same old lies, distortions and spin, whispered into your ear by the High Lord Mandleson. Oh, wait, he's got more:

"Home helps, dinner ladies, teachers, care workers, builders and coppers would be dumped on the dole"

Yeah, yeah. For fuck's sake, how stupid do you think we are, Kevin? That's a Tory policy is it? A Conservative plan for post-election. Sack the dinner ladies, sack the 'coppers'.

The only thing you forgot to add to that set of blatant porkies is 'strangle kittens', but we should just take that as a given, should we?

Wiping flecks of foam from his cheeks, Maguire concludes

"Labour Governments, warts and all, aren’t missed till they’re gone"

Do you know, Kevin, that's a risk we're just gonna have to take.

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Bad news for Gordo this morning. The naive young boy who he'd hoped to trick into giving him a piggy-back all the way up the hill to the Premiership has decided that he might not want to do that.

Yes, Calamity Clegg has said that he may not want to ally with McBroon: apparently, he's as profoundly unimpressed with him and his woeful party as the rest of us

In an interview with the Daily Telegraph, the Boy Wonder criticises Labour's total lack of acheivement in the 13 long, looong years they've been inflicted upon us:

"..do I think Labour delivered fairness? No. Do I think the Labour Party in its heart has a faith in civil liberties? No. Do I think they’ve delivered political reform? No"

Exactly. So why does Cleggy think Brown is cosying up to him and the Lib Dems? Why has the Labour party manifesto been completely replaced with the single phrase "I agree with Nick"?

".. he is a desperate politician .. I just do not believe him .. They are clutching at straws.”

See, Gordon, even young Nick, barely out of short trousers, can see right through you. 'Desperate' is the very word.

The trouble is, all politicians, even Saint Nicolas of Clegg, are fundamentally 'desperate' for power. And this is Nick's only chance, literally.

With the polls pointing to a hung parliament, and with the current fucked-up electoral system meaning that Labour are likely to win the most seats, in spite of polling in 3rd place, opportunity knocks for Cleggy.

On the day after the general election, with Labour holding the most seats in a hung Parliament, what are you gonna do, Nick? You're going to let yourself be led gently into a quiet room in Westminster, and you're going to listen to a lot of lies about how marvellous you and your policies are, and how they'll all be adopted, if you'll just sign here, Mr Clegg.

You'll be promised a referendum on PR, you'll be guaranteed that Mansion Tax is brought in, you'll be offered a nice role in the Cabinet - Home Secretary, perhaps.

Then you'll step out into a press conference, where you'll announce that you and 'Gordon' have come up with a brilliant plan to guarantee us a glittering future, and to say how much you'll be looking forward to working with Prime Minister Brown.

Then we'll all know that, in spite of today's fine words, you're just like Brown, you're just like the rest:

Desperate and dishonest

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The election campaign rumbles on, with Labour becoming increasingly desperate to cling to power, so that they can continue with the work of the last 13 years: the comprehensive destruction of all that was once good about this poor nation.

So pathetically desperate have this tired, failing party become that they will now try literally anything to win over voters.

But surely, this is a new low: to deliberately target cancer sufferers, sending them scaremongering mailshots claiming that they'd be more likely to die under a Tory government? Yup: the lowest point not just of this campaign, but of any campaign, anywhere, ever.

Cards addressed to sufferers by name claim that a Labour 'guarantee' to see a cancer specialist within two weeks would be scrapped by the Tories. Maybe that's true, although very few Labour claims about the Tories - or indeed, about anything - turn out to be completely true. But even it is, do you actually write to cancer victims to scaremonger? How fucking desperate do you need to be to do that?

Labour have tried to wriggle out of the charges that the mailshots were aimed at cancer sufferers. Well, yeah, you would wouldn't you? Because otherwise you'd have to admit that you'd been misusing confidential data, and a Labour government would never do that, would they?

So, Labour would have us believe that the mailshots just happened to land on the doormats of cancer victims.

Yeah, right: a woman who had a potentially cancerous lump was the only person among 50 neighbours who received the mailshot. Another received the card a fortnight after undergoing surgery. In a group of eight friends, the two who received the leaflets were the two who had had cancer. Huge fucking coincidences, eh?

But it wasn't all perfectly targeted. One leaflet was sent to a woman who was not suffering from cancer - because she had already fucking died. Of breast cancer. Her husband must have been absolutely fucking delighted.

In a further, totally unsurprising, twist it appears that the 'real life' cancer sufferer, photographed and quoted in the leaflet, hadn't known she would be used by the Labour party for this nasty campaign. She believed her photograph had been taken for use in a magazine for the National Health Service. Labour lies to everyone, love, even cancer sufferers.

A un-named Labour spokesmen rushed to say how sorry .. no .. wait .. no, he fucking didn't. When asked to comment, the spokesman actually said:

"These leaflets highlight the Conservative party’s actual policies on cancer treatment.."

You fucking cynical scum. Let's hope you're next, eh?
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A sharp intake of breath across the land this morning, from those of every political persuasion, with the news that Labour's election campaign will be joined by Mr Anthony Charles Lynton Blair.

What? What the fuck? Tony Blair?

Would this be the same Tony Blair who, at the height of the frenzied bashing of the banks, when financial institutions are being scapegoated for everything from the melting glaciers to the loss of the Titanic, has decided to take on a job with one of the hedge funds that profited enormously from the crash? That Tony Blair?

Is this the same Tony Blair who, in spite of owning properties all over the world and being worth millions following a career in which he achieved, built or created precisely fuck all  has negotiated a deal with that hedge fund that pays him £2,000 per minute? That greedy, greedy Tony Blair?

Are we talking about the same Tony Blair who was widely believed to be the weakest, most self-serving Prime Minister this country had ever had, until his grotesquely incompetent successor proved that it was possible to do even worse?

The Blair who dragged the entire political class down into the mire of spin, smear, evasion and outright lies? That Tony B-liar?

Would it, perhaps, be the Tony Blair who is - later this week - due to appear in front of the latest enquiry into the war in Iraq, a war which we are repeatedly informed was entirely his decision, and which was very probably totally illegal? A man who thousands of bereaved families have to blame for their losses, in an unnecessary and unauthorised invasion??

Apparently, yes, it is him. The very same. The Lord High Mandelson has confirmed it.

Lord Mandelson has decided that Teflon Tony is to be among several high-profile figures who will..

"..join Gordon Brown on the campaign trail. They know as well as everyone what is at stake for the country.

Everyone will get stuck in. Everyone will campaign: Tony Blair, John Prescott, David Blunkett. We need the support of these well-known faces."

No, Manders, you need a fucking miracle of beyond Biblical proportions, love.

But Mandlebum doesn't see it that way: he believes (or says he believes, which with him is totally different) that the election could be similar to the 1992 vote, when then Prime Minister John Major clung to power despite polls' predictions of a Labour win. Yeah, yeah.

Do you really, really believe this bollocks, Foy Boy? And do you really think we're going to swallow it?

The B-liar is going to come back, we're going to welcome him with open arms and then Labour are going to cling on to power, eh?

Just how fucking stupid do you think we are, Mandy?

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Ever since Gordon Brown decided it was "my turn, my turn, myyyyyyyyy turn" to be Prime Minister, the Labour party have been slipping in the polls. In spite of Gordon's charm and charisma, and in spite of the fact that he single-handedly saved the world from that nasty recession (remember it? Glad that's over), the fickle public are probably going to vote for 'anyone but Labour' in droves.

A huge number of vote-winning initiatives - mostly to do with smearing the opposition - have been tried, but most have ended in failure, and often in ignominy, sackings and complete humiliation for all concerned.

But acording to this story, in the London Evening Standard, Labour may have finally cracked it. That's right, a sure fire technique for increasing the Labour votes come election day.

In a leaked email, Anisur Rahman, the Labour branch secretary of Bethnal Green South ward, describes the technique, to be used when postal voting is underway.

Pay attention, as Claudia Schiffer says; here comes the science part:

"..people from my ward BGS and some from different ward called me to ask about postal voting system after getting ballot.

"I helped and I also visited few house [sic] to do it. I know it is a secret matter but if someone request [sic], as a comrade
we need to help for the benefit of the party.

"So I am requesting all ward coordinators, cllr's, branch secretaries to do such work in their own ward now."

Setting aside the fact that this particular Labour activist seems to have the language skills of a six year old, lets delve into that bit more, shall we?

What Mr Rahman is saying here is that he 'helped' local people to complete their postal votes and that this was for "the benefit of the party" (as opposed to, say, the benefit of democracy). Not only that, but this is such a fucking excellent idea that he thinks everybody should do it.

What Mr Rahman appears to be blissfully igorant of (other than spelling and grammar) is that this is - funnily enough - against the fucking law.

That's right, Anisur: any activist, candidate or party official caught interfering with postal votes can receive up to a two-year prison term and/or an unlimited fine, and can be barred from standing in elected office for up to five years.

One of the people addressed in the email was Rushanara Ali, who will become Britain's first Bangladeshi MP if she is elected in Bethnal Green and Bow. And she couldn't distance herself quick enough:

"[Mr Rahman] is a Labour activist. He is not a member of my staff. There are about 1,800 members now in the Labour party in Tower Hamlets"

Nothing to do with you then, Rusha'?

"I will take action if I see any irregularities or inappropriate behaviour by members or activists, because it's very important that people follow the procedures.

Oh, so, nothing to do with you, but you will 'take action' if he does it again. Or at least, if he's dumb enough to get caught again.

A unnamed Labour party spokesman - probably not Gordon Brown, he doesn't say much - said:

"We take the procedures related to postal voting very seriously."

Well of course you do: your new procedures are the best way to get a whole shitload of votes, without any of the tiresome canvassing. Brilliant!

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