Constantly Furious: oh fuck

Last night's Euro election results were pretty piss-poor for all the major parties: Labour were rightly fucking trounced, the Tories failed to gain much ground despite the Labour meltdown and the Lib Dems were just nowhere, nowhere. Jesus, Labour are being mocked as a 'fringe' party, and LD's came in well behind them.

Ironically, the one person the results were pretty fucking handy for was Gordon himself. We sent the Labour party a message yesterday. And the message was: "You better not have a General Election any time soon - just see what we'll do to you."

Even the dumbest, most self-centred Labour MP can see that with those results, and with the current furious mood of the public, and with the way (most of) the media are leaning, a General Election would result in their total fucking annihilation. Never mind not being an MP, most of them would be beaten to death by angry voters during canvassing.

They can also work out that if Gordon stops - for any reason - being Prime Minister, then an election will be called shortly thereafter. An election that, unless CallMeDave is caught balls-deep in a Rohypnol'd Susan Boyle on the Queen Mother's grave , Labour has no fucking chance of winning.

So, Labour MP's, what's the only way to avoid a General Election? Yup, that's right, don't take Gordon's rattle away. Leave him alone, put your fingers in your ears and keep taking the money. The longer Gordon remains in place, the longer you remain in place.

Every Labour MP will be thinking the same this morning. Why rebel, why resign dramatically, why go on TV to condemn McDoom when all that'll do is hasten my own personal trip to the wilderness?

Gordon's safe now. Even though everybody fucking hates him; even though he's the worst Prime Minister this country has ever suffered under; even though he lies and spins and evades and dithers and lies some more in his utter contempt for all of us, he will remain as PM for as long as he wants to.

His party will go very quiet now. Except when they're singing Gordon's praises. Expect a lot more of the gurning mutual masturbation sessions we saw yesterday in West Ham Town Hall, where hand-picked activists vie with one another to leap to their feet and ask difficult and penetrating questions: "How long have you been this brilliant, Mr Brown?"

And as we all know, if the Labour party don't want Gordon to go, there is precisely fuck all the public can do about him. No-one wants our opinions - well, not until we've revised them significantly in favour of the Saviour of the Universe, they don't.

No, the rest of us can cry, moan and bitch all we like, but the one-eyed son of the Manse is with us until next June .

UPDATE: rumours beginning (courtesy of Guido) that Purnell's threatening to stand against Brown. Even if this unlikely tale is true, CF's logic still applies : none of the other turkeys are going to vote for Christmas.