Soon-to-be-former-Prime Minister Gordon Brown has some advice for us all. As with all of his 'advice', it's really just a reminder of how wonderful he is, what great job he's done and how utterly terrible the eevil Tories would be.

And, so that as many people as possible can understand him, he - well, one of his army of spin doctors - has cleverly phrased it in the form of an anology. Oh yes.

Drawing a parallel between the battered economy and the injured millionaire ball-kicker Wayne Rooney, the PM said:

"..after an injury you need support to recover, you need support to get back to match fitness, you need support to get back your full strength and then go on to lift the World Cup.

"So with the economy - we're not back to full fitness, we need to maintain support,"

"If we try and jump off the treatment table as if nothing had happened we'll do more damage to the economy - and frankly that means we risk a double-dip recession.

"I think that's a risk we can't afford to take"

Oooooh. See what he did there? Well, thanks for patronising advice, Gordo'.

But hang on a fucking minute. McBroon is the man responsible for the 'injury' to our economy. He committed the tackle that's made us limp and wince for the last two years, and probably be unable to play for another five.

So, Gordon, let CF extend and enhance your little analogy.

Imagine that in a football match, the captain of the other team, a big Scottish, one-eyed thug, kicked you as hard as he could, right in the balls.

Then, as you crumpled to the ground gasping, kneed you in the face, breaking your nose.

Then deliberately stamped on your head, raking his studs across your face.

Then, before the referee got there, whipped open his shorts and pissed all over your recumbent form.

Would you then like him to follow you to the hospital, offering the doctors advice on your treatment, and helping out with the stitching of your wounds?

Probably not, eh?

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Gordon Brown didn't actually invent the National Health Service. But he's very happy to claim credit for it on behalf of the Labour party.

It's one of his favourite political footballs: Broon loves to spin that those eeevil Tories would close it down the second they got into power, causing thousands to die in the streets, leaving the rich to step over their raddled corpses, whereas under his and Labour's tender care, it is just simply the most marvellous institution in the world, a cross between a 7 star hotel and a full-on miracle session at Lourdes.

We are told that the NHS is something that Labour are extremely proud of. And that we too should be proud, to live in such times, and to benefit from such a marvellous facility.

And Labour isn’t afraid to trot that line out as often as possible. No-one can recall last year’s #welovethenhs twitter campaign without stifling a yawn, and Broon makes it his business to waddle around the nation reminding us at frequent intervals.

In January, Broon informed the grateful nation that..

"..it is a testimony to the extraordinary work done by nurses, doctors and all NHS staff - backed up by the extra investment which has seen the health budget treble to almost £100 billion pounds a year - that ten years on the NHS is now more firmly than ever part of the fabric of British national life"

Notice how it's not just down to the NHS staff - no, it's also thanks to Gordo's 'investment'.

In February, Broon boasted about the..

"..unprecedented improvements we have delivered in our National Health Service over the past 12 years ... a second generation of better public services has been developed through increased investment, greater choice for service users..""

Again, it's thanks to Gordon and his lavish use of our money, isn't it?

So, CF can't help wondering who will be chosen to inform boastful Broon about this, the latest dismal failure of the NHS, where a man died of dehydration in hospital, despite repeatedly begging nurses for water. What? Yes.

Kane Gorny had been admitted for a hip replacement operation. Ignored by all the marvellous Angels and handsome-but-hardworking doctors, Gorny became so desperate for a drink that he actually 'phoned the police from his bed begging for help.

Astonishingly, the police - for once - actually turned up. But guess what? They were told by doctors everything was under control. Bowing to the medical staff's superior knowledge, they left, with Gorny still literally dying of thirst.

When Rita Cronin, Gorny's mother, saw him for the last time, after his operation, his condition had deteriorated.

“He was delirious and his mouth was open. I gave him a drink of Ribena. I told three nurses there was something wrong and they said, 'He's fine' and walked off.

"I started to cry and a locum doctor who was there told me not to worry. Eventually the ward doctor came round, took one look at Kane and started shouting for help.”

He died an hour later.

Truly, a national institution you can be proud of, eh Gordon?

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