Soon-to-be-former-Prime Minister Gordon Brown has some advice for us all. As with all of his 'advice', it's really just a reminder of how wonderful he is, what great job he's done and how utterly terrible the eevil Tories would be.

And, so that as many people as possible can understand him, he - well, one of his army of spin doctors - has cleverly phrased it in the form of an anology. Oh yes.

Drawing a parallel between the battered economy and the injured millionaire ball-kicker Wayne Rooney, the PM said:

"..after an injury you need support to recover, you need support to get back to match fitness, you need support to get back your full strength and then go on to lift the World Cup.

"So with the economy - we're not back to full fitness, we need to maintain support,"

"If we try and jump off the treatment table as if nothing had happened we'll do more damage to the economy - and frankly that means we risk a double-dip recession.

"I think that's a risk we can't afford to take"

Oooooh. See what he did there? Well, thanks for patronising advice, Gordo'.

But hang on a fucking minute. McBroon is the man responsible for the 'injury' to our economy. He committed the tackle that's made us limp and wince for the last two years, and probably be unable to play for another five.

So, Gordon, let CF extend and enhance your little analogy.

Imagine that in a football match, the captain of the other team, a big Scottish, one-eyed thug, kicked you as hard as he could, right in the balls.

Then, as you crumpled to the ground gasping, kneed you in the face, breaking your nose.

Then deliberately stamped on your head, raking his studs across your face.

Then, before the referee got there, whipped open his shorts and pissed all over your recumbent form.

Would you then like him to follow you to the hospital, offering the doctors advice on your treatment, and helping out with the stitching of your wounds?

Probably not, eh?

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Our seemingly-perpetual Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was kind enough to share with us his views on crime and anti-social behaviour when he spoke yesterday.

Actually, it wasn't so much his views on those key subjects as his views on - oh god, here we fucking go again - the eeevil Tories.

So, under the guise of discussing crime, McBroon informed us all:

"..you don’t tackle the fear of crime by cultivating it, by ramping up a public sense of panic, by abusing the figures and claiming our society is broken ...

Because sometimes as damaging as the fear of crime is the crime of fear. And I will play no part in that."

Well, putting aside the fact that we'd like to hear what your Government is doing, not a misrepresentation of what your opponents said, there might possibly be - for once - something in what you say there Gordon, mangled and convoluted though it is. Yes. It's no good trying to scare the public into agreement, is it?

But wait, what's that? There's more. Yes, Gordo's carrying on with his speech:

"Some argue that liberty dictates we should immediately wipe from the DNA database everyone who has been arrested but not convicted of an offence. But if we did this ... many dangerous criminals would have remained at large ... next time you hear somebody question the value of retaining DNA profiles ... remember Jeremiah Sheridan. And most of all remember the innocent woman he attacked"

What? Hang on. What the fuck?

Didn't you just say, you one-eyed mentalist, that no-one should 'cultivate' a fear of crime? That no-one should 'ramp up' a sense of panic?

But then, in the same fucking speech, didn't you just say that we must keep taking DNA, otherwise bad people - ooohh, be afraid - like Jeremiah will 'remain at large' and - run! hide! - attack innocent women?

We're used to your lies and hypocrisy, Broon, but surely this must be a personal best - directly contradicting yourself, putting opposing points of view, in the same fucking speech?

Dear God.
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