Someone out there is dead against a Lib-Con coalition. He really doesn't want it to happen. This person pompously tells us:

"The big choice is for Nick Clegg - is he leader of a progressive party or does he get into bed with the heirs to Mrs Thatcher?"

'Mrs Thatcher'? Using the former leader's name as a dire warning, a dog whistle? Oh dear, that sounds like a bit like one of those Trades Union dinosaurs from the 80's.

Well, that's because it is. It's one of Britain's newest MP's, little Jack Dromey. Jack's been an MP for, oh, 3 days now, so he's going to tell us all how the world should work.

“Gordon is the prime minister, right now the Conservatives and the Liberals are talking to one another."

Oooh, that's good. Incisive political analysis, right there. 'Elizabeth is the Queen, right now it's raining', 'Roses are red, violets are blue'.

Mind you, Jack doesn't know everything. This is the man who, in 2006, claimed he "didn't know", despite being party treasurer - party fucking treasurer - about £3.5 million worth of 'loans' made to the Labour Party by three individuals who were subsequently nominated for life peerages.

But in spite of that little hiccup, Jack's got on very well. He has powerful connections. One extremely powerful connection is the first person the poor bastard sees every day, when he wakes up next to her: Harriet 'Hattie' Harman.

And oh boy has Hattie helped Jack. You want to be an MP now, darling? No problem. We can find a safe seat for you. How about this one? What do you mean, it's got a women only shortlist? That's no problem for you, honey, even though you do appear to be male. We'll just suspend the rules for a minute and .. wait .. yes .. there you go, you're the PPC. Good luck, darling!

Good, old fashioned fucking patronage, nepotism and corruption: the core values of the Labour Party

So now Jack's an MP - no sweat. And he's already got his feet - his trotters - well under the table. Speaking for the whole of the party he's represented for more than 72 hours, he adds:

“If they wish to talk to us, we’re ready to talk to them.”

Yeah? Well if Clegg and his party have any sense at all, they'll steer well clear of you, and your loathsome Missus.

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Only hours left until we shuffle down to what probably used to be a Primary School and is now an empty, largely pointless building, used twice a year, to exercise our franchise and cast our votes.

And as we count down, the sense of desperation in what we sincerely hope is the outgoing government is growing.

How can they claw back enough seats to cling to power? How can they prevent the eevil Tories winning seats?

Well, we hear that the traditional postal voting fraud is going tolerably well: the police are investigating 50 alleged cases of fraud, but that almost certainly suggests that at least another 50 have gone undetected, and those votes are - literally - in the bag.

But that might not be enough. What else have you got, Labour?

Ah, here comes Ed 'Blinky' Balls, the man who would be king. And he's got an idea.

Why not, suggests Blinky, just vote 'anyone but Tory'.

"I always want the Labour candidate to win but I recognise there is an issue in places like North Norfolk, where my family live, where Norman Lamb [the Lib Dem candidate] is fighting the Tories.....And I want to keep the Tories out."

Well, duh, Blinky. 'Anyone but..'. Is that the best you can do, for fuck's sake?

Don't you realise? Oh the fucking irony.

Because of people like you, Blinky, and your loathsome boss Broon, large swathes of the country - including CF - have been for some time considering the 'anyone but' vote. However, in virtually every case, the sentence running through our much-smarter-than-your minds ends in either 'Labour' or, more often, 'Gordon'.

We don't want the Labour party to continue its miserable, self-interested, ideologically-driven destruction of this once great nation.

We don't want the poor, battered economy to be driven further and further onto the rocks, with what's left of our money squandered on more and more pointless public sector jobs, building a generation of dependent Labour voters.

And in particular, we don't want to see Gordon Brown's twisted, gurning face any more. We  don't want to hear his negative, partisan attacks, we don't want to listen to his stammering b-b-b-bluster and we'll be really happy if we never, ever, have to hear any more of his lies.

So, yeah, Blinky, we'll be voting 'anyone but' - anyone but you, anyone but your crappy party.

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Just watch this video. A perfectly normal looking guy - not a wild-eyed nutter, or a violent drunk - dares to heckle our glorious leader during one of his interminable droning speeches.

Brown completely ignores him, and continues to woodenly trot out sound-bites and tractor statistics.

The heckler is grabbed by both arms and physically dragged from the room, while Brown continues, ending to ecstatic applause from activists.

How the fuck did we come to this? What the fuck is this, a dictatorship? Is dissent no longer tolerated by the Leader?





How the fuck have we let him stay in power so long?



(tip of the hat to Guido)

Now that Gordon Brown and the Labour party appear to be confident of victory in the next election, they're churning out the lies and spin with renewed energy.

Broon has deigned to give an exclusive interview to those handwringing ponces over at the Guardian, in which he outlines Labour's 5 election pledges.

There seems to be a 'bonus' pledge too, about not getting rid of Alistair 'Badger' Darling, but we'll have to wait to see what Blinky Balls thinks of that, won't we?

The lucky reporters treated to all of this had their heads wedged so far up Gordo's arse that you can barely hear what they're saying, but the little card is faithfully reproduced by the Graun' and here. Ready for the pledges?

• Secure the recovery
• Raise Family Living Standards
• Build a high tech economy
• Protect frontline services
• Strengthen fairness in communities

That's it, is it? After 13 fucking years, you want 5 more, to do that, do you Gordo'?

And what in the name of fuckwittery do you mean by 'strengthen fairness in communites'? Did you just think of some words we might like and stick them together? 'improving kindness in welfare'; 'allowing generous chocolate nurses'? What the fuck?

And as for the rest, well, no-one could disagree that you should 'raise family living standards' and 'secure the economy'. It's just that you and  your fucking hopeless little chums have just spent the last 13 years proving that you are completely fucking incapable of doing either of those things.

Oh, for fucks sake. Well, CF doesn't even need to sum up, as evil Tory Theresa May has done it for him:

"How can five more years of him possibly be the answer to the challenges facing this country?"

Well, exactly.

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Yet another in the seemingly endlessly series of polls brings good news for Gordon and his woeful party.  The Tory lead is now down to 2 points.

Mike Smithson over at politicalbetting.com calls it a 'remarkable comeback'. The Labour share of the vote is up to 34%. And, under the bizarre electoral system we enjoy, that means that Labour will somehow, eventually, win the election.

Yes, Labour will remain in Government. Gordon Brown will continue to be Prime Minister. Ed Balls will become Chancellor, for fucks sake. We will be governed by the Unite-puppet Labour party for 5 more years.

What. The. Fuck?

Who are you, you 34% who are going to vote Labour? What the fuck is going on in your heads?

Do you really, really want this bunch of fuckwits to continue their inept reign over us?

Would you enjoy further increases in the already fucking enormous tax burden that that has been steadily loaded onto those that actually work?

Do you want to see a continued growth in the numbers that don't actually work, and sit on their fat arses all day watching televisions that we paid for?

Do you believe that after 13 fucking years of fucking up everything they touched, this Government will somehow get a new lease of life after the election and actually start to make everything - anything - better?

Would you like to see even more taxpayer-funded demonisation and denormalisation of smokers, drinkers, eaters of food and drivers of cars?

Do you want 5 more years of McBroon lying and gurning and stammering in the House of Commons?

Would you like to see the Lord High Mandleson grow even more powerful, and end up running every single fucking government department whilst not actually being allowed to attend Parliament?

Because if you do stagger down to the polling station and put an 'x' next to the Labour candidate, you'll be getting - and giving the rest of us - all that and a whole lot fucking more.

You don't need to vote for CallMeDave and the Tories. Vote for the fucking Monster Raving Loonies; vote for Esther Rantzen; vote for the BNP;  vote LibDems if you must.

You just need to not vote for Labour, for 5 more years of Gordon.

Look, guys, we're getting a bit too close to comfort to the election for this to be funny any more.

Stop fucking around.

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