One of the many, many ways in which the last Labour Government demonstrated its complete unsuitability for power, and its total, overriding contempt for us, was in the introduction of thousands - literally, thousands - of new laws and regulations.

For 13 years, our freedoms have been steadily eroded, our rights increasingly curtailed, our liberties smashed with a mallet and flushed down the crapper.

But now, what's that on the horizon, glowing gold and flapping its magnificent wings? Why it's the Bird of Liberal Paradise, Nick Clegg.

Cleggy, in a speech last night, began to outline how the Coalition of ConDems would begin to undo some of the horrors inflicted by Gordon Brown and the Authoritarian Left, promising a Blue 'n' Yellow version of the Great Reform Act.

And some good stuff might be in the pipeline. Just a few highlights from Clegg's speech:

“I’m talking about the most significant programme of empowerment by a British government since the great enfranchisement of the 19th Century ... It is time for a wholesale, big bang approach to political reform ...

“It is outrageous that decent, law-abiding people are regularly treated as if they have something to hide. It has to stop.

“..there will be no ID card scheme."

“No national identity register, no second generation biometric passports.

“We won’t hold your internet and email records when there is just no reason to do so.

“CCTV will be properly regulated, as will the DNA database, with restrictions on the storage of innocent people’s DNA.

“There will be no ContactPoint children’s database.

“Schools will not take children’s fingerprints without even asking their parent’s consent.”

“..we’ll review libel laws so that we can better protect freedom of speech"

Now, CF is as cynical as the next blogger, but even he can hope.

Of course the Coalition won't go as far as any Libertarian would wish. Of course some of the ideas will never come to pass, and some will be watered down to homeopathically useless levels. Of course, there are already significant omissions from the list: Human Rights, Nick?

But on the other hand, looking at that list, fuck yeah.

Hell, we may actually be heading the right direction here. We could actually have some classical liberals in power. We might see some .. what was the word? .. 'change'.

Can you believe it?

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Right, Mr Clegg. You've had your talks; talks with CallMeDave, talks with your backbenchers, talks with ol' man Cable, with Paddy Pantsdown, and doubtless with the luscious Miriam.

And your party colleagues have been holed up with top Tories in non-smoke-filled rooms for the last 72 hours, popping out only to declare endless declarations of mutual love to the press.

You've also, by your part in these endless discussions, ensuring that we still have no PM, no government and no idea what the fuck is going on, inadvertently shown us what a post-PR world will look like. Are we really going to join Italy, Belgium and all those other poor sods in having this behind-closed-doors squabbling every 4 or 5 years?

But now it's time to make your mind up.

Whatever it is that the Tories have put on the table, whether it's PR, AV or fondue set and a fully catered funeral in Trinidad, is what you're going to have to accept. You're not going to get all the things your party wants, and nor should you: you came third in the race, for fuck's sake, in both seats and popular votes.

So you should accept whatever the party that got nearly twice the popular vote yours did - and holds 5 times as many seats - offers and be glad of it.

After all, Cleggy, it's not like you've got any other choices, is it?

What are you gonna do if Dave won't give you all the presents on your list? Try to form the world's smallest minority government with your 57 seats? Don't think so.

Head back into opposition, back to your seat twenty places down from the 'real' leader of the 'real 'opposition, with everyone talking over your little bonus questions in PMQ's? Nah.

Go into a coalition with Labour? Yeah, right. Make yourself the second most unpopular man in political history by propping up the most unpopular man in political history? That would be ... what's the word? ... bold. Don't expect us to take any notice of your muffled screams as Brown , Balls and Mandy give you and your party the most comprehensive fucking over you've ever had.

Then, as you lie bleeding in the gutter, watch them turn upon each other and tear themselves, their party and the new coalition to pieces. And don't expect to regain 57 seats in the inevitable General Election - probably in July - you'll be lucky to get 7 as part of a LibLab coalition.

No, unfortunately for you, you've only got one option - go along with those terrible Tories. And, as the Tory boys slowly begin to realise that over the coming hours, you're going to find there are fewer and fewer goodies on the table.

Your only chance to get any representation, to get any of your policies enacted, to have any say at all, to have any ability to limit what the Tories do, is to climb into bed with them, lie back and think of the United Kingdom.

Get on with it, for fucks sake.

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The Daily Telegraph is teasing us, yet again, by hinting at the next targets for its glacially slow, terminally smug expose of the expenses scandal:

"The eighth day of The Daily Telegraph’s investigation into the abuse of the House of Commons allowances will also shed light on MPs who are married to other MPs"

Jesus, is it only the eighth day? It feels like this has been dragging on since the late Sixties, for fuck's sake. But anyway, perk up, nearly there, one last big push, anyway, sorry, what were you saying, DT?

"..shed light on MPs who are married to other MPs"

Oh, yes. This must mean we're finally going to hear about Ed 'Blinky' Balls and Yvette 'Mrs Balls' Cooper.

Regulars with long memories will recall how we wished to see those Balls in a Vice, and how last night we became convinced that they must be extremely Sweaty Balls, but perhaps tonight this speculation will be brought to a close.

There were rumours last night that an injunction had been overturned, then rumours today that there was no injunction. Those Balls seem to know something's up, because they've either decided to lie very low, been abducted by aliens or gone to live in Lima.

CF is beginning to feel that, given the amount of hype that has been generated, and the feverish levels of expectation now current, anything less than the revelation that the golden couple have been buying kittens on expenses , buggering them, strangling them, then cooking them on a barbecue that we paid for, fueled with fifty pound notes, then washing this meal down with large glasses of freshly squeezed dolphin tears, is going to be quite disappointing.

So, Daily Telegraph, do your worst. Bring it on.


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