Could it be? Is it possible? Yes, it does seem that, somehow, David 'CallMeDave' Cameron has woken up to feel his silken boxer shorts somewhat tighter than normal. Yup, prompted by the threat of a hung parliament, Dave has grown a pair.

The buttered new potato (copyright: everyone) has attacked history's worst Prime Minister, Gordon McBroon, in such strong terms that even the normally completely, utterly, totally non-biased and even-handed BBC has been stung into action; and in turn described CMD as 'audacious'. Fuckin' 'ell, the spinners must be worried.

So, what's got him so mad then? Who rattled Dave's cage? What could possibly have driven Dave to this attack?

Oh, just one of those petty Westminster squabbles, a trivial ... what? ... wait ... hang on a fucking minute. No it isn't.

Dave's a little irritated - as should all of us be - that the three Labour MPs - Elliot Morley, Jim Devine and David Chaytor – who were charged with expenses fraud have decided - or rather, been advised by Labour's legal experts - to try to use parliamentary privilege to protect themselves.

Let's just put that a little more clearly: these thieving bastards stole thousands of pounds and now claim to be untouchable because they're MP's. What?.

Just fuck right off, will you? In fact, fuck off, then come back and fuck off again.

And what's made the Jersey Royal mad is that - surprise, surprise - the idiot clinging to the levers of power, our beloved PM is doing ... errr ... precisely fuck all about this.

But over to CallMeDave:

"Look how he tolerates the disgusting sight of Labour MPs taking parliamentary privilege, designed to help MPs fight for their constituents; for truth and justice; and abuse it in order to save their skins and avoid prosecution for fraud and wrongdoing"

Cameron believes Gordon Brown is to blame for - as usual - failing to act decisively over the issue.

".. Brown is a shameless defender of the old order ... he is just not capable of dealing with the post-expenses reform that is necessary."

And Dave has yet more..

“Even worse, it’s been reported that the Labour Party’s official solicitor is providing the three MPs with legal advice. At the very least, Gordon Brown should immediately clarify whether the Labour Party is paying for that and withdraw the whip from these shameless Labour MPs."

It's not often CF finds himself in complete agreement with CallMeDave, but on this occasion, he's sure gettin' it said.

“We cannot have five more years of his old politics. For the health of our democracy it is now essential that this shameless defender of the old elite goes as soon as possible.”

Fucking right. Shame it's probably going to be this very same potato that takes over later this year, but a least he's showing some hunger for the prize.

Hit 'im again, Dave.

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The media - both the old part and the new 'n' improved online part - are as excited as a puppy at feeding time about Tiny Blur's appearance at the Chilcot enquiry. Oooh! Oooh!

Excitable commentators would have us believe that Tone will go in bright-eyed and enthusiastic, but be led out in handcuffs, a broken man.

We all know that there wasn't a legal case for the war. That there was no thought given to whether this was the right thing to do, or to what would happen if it was done.

We also know that this was really America's - well, Dubya's - idea, and we all know that Tony only joined in because his tongue was jammed so far up Bush's arse that he had no choice but to follow him wherever he went.

We also know that the press were more than happy to go along with the whole fucking charade. To faithfully reprint - on the front page, in huge letters - every single lie and distortion that Blair and Campbell cooked up.

We all know - even without this ridiculously expensive show trial - that we were misled, lied to and ignored, while politicians abused their power to do just whatever the fuck they wanted to.

So it would be great if Tony - and all the others - acknowledged that. Made some form of apology. Suggested some ways in which redress could be made.

But - much as we might fancy that idea - that's not gonna happen, is it?

No. Tony will squirm uncomfortably for a few hours. His every word, gesture and nervous blink will be relayed in real time to the waiting world. Then, at the end of it, he'll saunter out, past the cameras, onto an aeroplane, and resume his obscenely lucrative world tour.

This time next week, he'll be evangelising to some Christians, or some Capitalists, or a combination of the two, as if nothing had happened.

It would be lovely to see Blair whip out an onion, dab at his eyes, tearfully confess to having done wrong, and announce that he's prepared to take his punishment like a man, and that he'll do whatever it takes to make thing right.

But don't get your hopes up.

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Much glee and gloating in the Labour ranks yesterday, with the announcement that the overall unemployment figure had fallen by .. wait for it .. 7,000.

That a pretty fucking poxy percentage of nearly two and a half million, but was still enough to send the Government and its cheerleaders into paroxysms of delight.

Work and Pensions Secretary Yvette 'dude looks like a lady' Cooper emerged from wherever the fuck she's been hiding for the last year to profess herself delighted.

Gordon Brown's smug cockiness was alomost unbearable.

The Tories struggled to pretend that they were pleased too. Aides held the corners of Theresa May's mouth up. CallMeDave decided not to mention the economy in PMQ's at all, lest he be assailed with interminable tractor stats.

But as ever with NuLabour, with this bunch of spinners, twisters and fibbers, let's just dig a little deeper, eh?

Yes, 7,000 fewer people were unemployed, but as Jonathan Prynne in the Evening Standard pointed out, at the same time jobs in London, the capital and economic powerhouse, fell by 20,000.

Oh fuck. So how come the national total has increased by 7,000?

Simples. What's really happening is that unemployment is still growing, but that more and more victims are being hidden, or sent elsewhere.

School-leaver are deciding that, since there are no jobs for them, they might just as well stay at school, or go to one of the many new faux-Universities Labour has created to hide them in.

So, 7,000 fewer people are unemployed, partly because 81,000 more young people have decided to wait in the classroom or lecture theatre until things improve.

And it's not just the school-leavers who aren't troubling the scorer.

Many of those who have lost their job have been unable to find another, and are reduced to part-time work.

Of course, this won't let them live as before, and they might not be able to survive for long like this, but the crucial thing for Yvette and friends is that they're not on the unemployment register.

And there's an additional 99,000 of them.

So, while it looks like the much-trumpeted 7,000 people managed to find jobs, thats only because during the same period 180,000 people either couldn't, or took one look round and didn't even try.

Couple that with the fact that private sector wages didn't increase at all - for the first time ever - and the picture looks even fucking less rosy.

George Buckley, UK economist at Deutsche Bank, said:

“Weaker earnings growth has meant that employers are in a lot better position to hold their labour force because they've essentially accepted lower wages to keep their jobs.”

And couple that with the fact that inflation has just jumped through the roof - thanks for that - meaning that the same pay is actually less pay, and quite clearly we remain firmly, unequivocally fucked.

Not much to be so fucking smug about, eh Gordon?

Related articles

• One in five adults in Britain not working (telegraph.co.uk)
• Labour's "job guarantee" vital in fight against long term unemployment (leftfootforward.org)

Over at the FT's Westminster Blog, Jim Rickart has seen the leaked copy of the Cabinet Office white paper hilariously entitiled 'Smarter Government', and he's not impressed.

With an election drawing slowly - far too slowly - nearer, and no sign of this bloody recession ever fucking ending, the Labour government are getting desperate.

The 'last chance' document is according crammed full with talk of savings that will (or rather could) be made.

There's just one teensy, tiny, problem: as yet, no-one seems to know what the savings will be.

The paper sets out the dramatic, immediate, focussed action, and the effects we can expect:

“..reducing the administrative expenditure of arms-length bodies by at least X% will save up to £Xbn a year”

Oh. Well, duh. Reducing expenditure will save costs, will it? That's what we should do then, innit?  Just a little more detail might help. What will you do, oh masters?

“..modernising working practices and the way we locate the business of government could save X%”

'Modernising', 'could', 'X%'. Well, that's about as vague as its possible to be, isn't it? Even for a promise from this bankrupt-in-every-way Government.  There's even, for a grand finale, this bold call to action:

“(Prof X) has been appointed to advise the prime minister and chancellor on the scope for further relocations”

How utterly pathetic is that last point? Someone - oh god, please, someone - will be appointed to advise on saving through relocation. It's just that no-one knows who that lucky person will be. It's quite quite likely that this inept bunch of lying thieves can't actual find anyone.

Well, would you take the job?

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