Stupid shouting Sugar should suffer sacking

When our beloved leader, the unelected and unlovable Gordon Brown, was interviewed by GQ magazine, that stalwart of in-depth political analysis, he declared that he would never want politicians that were "some sort of subset of the entertainment business".

Quite right, Gordo. Let's get well away from those ridiculous 'Cool Britannia' days of Blair, eh?

Which is just one of the reasons we all reeled with astonishment when, shortly after stating this, Sir Alan Sugar - yes, him off the telly - was elevated to Lord Sir Alan Sugar and made into some sort of 'Business Czar' for the Government. Yes, another Czar.

Obviously, Gordon or one of his witless cronies had seen 'SrAlan' shouting at people on television and thought that this in some way indicated that he would be ideally suited to form part of this woeful Government of the unelected.

Earlier this week, 300 small business owners gathered in Manchester, eager to seek the advice of the Guru. How to run a small business? How to best run a business under the burden of imbecilic EU regulation? How to survive in a small business in this recession?

But that last word, 'recession', was clearly the wrong one to use to an on-message Labour man. Recession? No such thing. Lord Sir Alan promptly - as he might put it - 'goes off on one'..

"Can't we get off this recession kick once and for all? I don't think we're in one now, ok?

Oh, right. So if you think we're not, and Gordon says we're not, then we're not then? Why is it that people think we are? And why do so many small businesses report that they can't borrow the money they need? Money the banks used to lend happily, before Gordon's Grand Recession came to town.

“Let me tell you, you lived in the Disneyworld, you have lived in the unrealistic Disneyworld in the way banks dished out money.”

Oh. So, where can we raise the capital to support and grow our businesses, Lord Sugar?

“I can honestly say a lot of problems you hear from people who are moaning are from companies I wouldn’t lend a penny to.”

“The moaners are bust. They are bust and they don’t need the bank - they need an insolvency practitioner.”

Hmmm. Not quite the advice we were looking for. In fact, not fucking advice at all, really, is it?

You're not on the Telly now, you chippy little shitbag. You don't need to give us the pantomime villain act. Give the poor sods some sensible, practical advice and guidance. Unless of course, you can't; unless of course, this bluster is because you've been massively over-promoted and wrongly ‘elevated’ and haven't got a fucking clue.

Representatives of the small business community, aghast at this abuse, have protested to Gordon Brown, asking him important questions: is Sugar speaking on behalf of the Government? Is he entirely the right man for this role? Shouldn't he, to put it bluntly, be fucking fired, immediately?

Naturally, Gordon doesn't give a flying fuck what we all want - when has he ever? So Lord Sir Alan will stay cosily in place, dispensing pointless bollockings left right and centre, ranting and foaming endlessly.

You'll say what you think, won't you Sir Alan? But we've got some advice for you.

Fuck off.

Fuck you. And fuck the corrupt and incompetent government you sold your rotten soul too.

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