What's that clanging sound? Oh, it's the sound of a bright yellow halo, clattering to the ground.

Poor old Nick 'Saint Nick' Clegg. A few weeks ago, most people had never heard of him, and - although he was the leader of a political party - he could pretty much do and say whatever he wanted.

He could certainly say whatever he wanted in the House of Commons: his pre-allocated 'slot' at Prime Minister's Question was always used by most MP's as a chance to chat to their neighbour, continue bellowing about the last Cameron question or pop out for a quick snort of meow meow.

And he and his party could definitely say whatever they wanted to to the electorate. After all, they had no chance of getting near the levers of power, so no chance of being called upon to deliver - or even go into detai on - their many promises.

Jam tomorrow? Why of course. Mansion tax? Why not? Dive into the Euro? Absolutely! Amnesty for illegal immigrants? You betcha!

But now, all of that has changed. Cleggy is a celebrity. He was the outright winner of the first round of EleX-Factor, and the nation hangs upon his every word. He's going to be the next Prime Minister you know; and Chancellor, and Home Secretary.

And with great fame, comes great scrutiny, grasshopper.

So, Cleggy needs to be whiter than white. He's spoken out against sleaze, against expenses fiddling. He's not part of the 'old politics', he tells us. How does that stand up to scrutiny, then?

Well it collapses immediately, of course.

We learn today, courtesy of the Daily Telegraph that forf some time the Sainted Nick was paid regular monthly sums, donations, by three unnamed "senior businessmen", directly .. wait for it ... into his personal account.

What? Donations to the party, channeled into an MP's private bank account? Sounds like the corrupt, pocket-lining old politics, doesn't it?

Good job Clegg doesn't do 'old' politics, eh?

Clegg claims that the money was not for him - oh no - but to pay for staff. As the Telegraph says

"It is not clear why Mr Clegg would require the extra funds as the salaries were apparently covered by the taxpayer. He also made separate claims from his office expenses to cover staffing assistance provided by the Liberal Democrats"

And a spokesman for Mr Clegg, while insisting that the money was for 'part of' a researcher’s salary, admitted that he was “not in a position” to provide the necessary paperwork. Yeah, right.

Good job Clegg doesn't do all that 'sleaze', eh? It's well beneath him.

And how did the Telegraph get hold of these statements? Did they go through his bins? Nah, not necessary. Clegg lazily submitted copies of his personal bank statements to the House of Commons when claiming expenses, highlighting the items he wanted us to pay, like the mortgage payments for his second home.

That sounds a bit like, well, every-other-fucking-MP, doesn't it? The expenses gravy-train.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could all get the highlighter pen out, mark a couple of items on our bank statements and then have them paid for us? No tedious forms, no justification, just a swipe of a pen. 'Pay me this, this and this. Oh, and this.'

Good job Clegg's loftily above all that expenses nonsense, eh?

In fact, all in all, it sounds like Nick Clegg is just the kind of breath of fresh air, the kind of 'change' that our tired ol' corrupt political systems needs, doesn't it?

Like fuck it does.

.

As what historians will note was one of the worst decades in the history of this once-great-nation draws to a close, various awards and accolades must be distributed.

One prize, not cherished by its recipient, but certainly in need of delivery, should be for the Most Egregious Parliamentary Trougher

CF thought he already knew the shortlist for this award but the Daily Telegraph has just, in the dying minutes of the game, brought to his attention a new contender.

Irene Adams became a Labour MP in 1990: when her husband, MP for Paisley North, died she took over. Her daughter and son-in-law were Labour councillors, who we also paid to work in her constituency office. So, an MP, married to an MP and employing family party members. It's a safe bet Ms. Adams knew her way around the expense system, eh?

In June 2005, she got the reward that all good, compliant Labour MP's can expect, and was 'elevated' to the Lords. The new Baroness Adams of Craigielea got off to a slow start, and eventually made her maiden speech in February 2006.

Since then, she has been diligently claiming every single expense to which she knows she is 'entitled', making her the second most expensive peer in the Lords last year.

In all, she's managed to lay her greedy, clammy hands on over 200,000 pounds of our money.

But here's the rub. Ask what she has done for us while pocketing all that money. Since her well-received Maiden speech back in early 2006, what has she said in the Lords? What issues has she raised, what wrongs has she righted? What, in short, has she said?

Nothing. Fuck all. That's right: zip. Nada. Rien. Not a peep from her.

Baroness Adams has not made a single speech, not said a single word, in the House of Lords since February 2006.

For fuck's sake. Two hundred fucking grand of our money, and she's yet to turn in a single piece of homework.

Is she shy, for fucks sake? Unlikely - she was an MP for 15 years. No, like all troughers, she's all about the rewards, and fuck the effort.

Jacqui 'Jackboots' Smith was (and still is) a greedy, dishonest, througher, and quite happy to lie about where she lived to get her trotters on more cash,  but at least she turned up for work from time to time.

She might have said the most fuckwitted things imaginable, and been the worst Home Secretary ever, but at least the stupid woman tried to do her fucking job, woefully incompetent though she was at it.

But not even this from Baroness Adams.

While she doesn't seem willing or able to speak in the House, surely she'll have a detailed account of her activities to share with us, a rebuttal of these claims? Let's her speak, to prove she still can, eh? What have you got to say for yourself, Baroness?

Well, when the Telegraph tried to speak to her yesterday, she apparently declined to answer questions. She did howeverm make a speech. It was just a very short one. Here it is, in its entirety:

“I’m not interested.”

What the fuck? The fucking arrogance dripping from those three words. How dare you dismiss us loftily with a three word speech?

You're not interested? Well we sure as fuck are, Madam Baroness

We want our fucking money back.

_

Quentin Davies is a hard man to love. Or even like. Or admire.

Any man who has managed to be, within the last 10 years, both a Tory and a Labour MP is obviously not in the game for the good of his fellow man.

He thought Gordon Brown was

"extraordinarily incompetent ... imprudent ... extraordinarily naïve""

Right up until he slithered across the floor of the House of Commons. At which point he suddenly realised that Gordon Brown was actually

.."a leader I have always greatly admired, who I believe is entirely straightforward, and who has a towering record"

Rank fucking hypocrisy and cynical self-interest, anyone?

And just look at him. He looks like a troughing, over-entitled pig. And guess what? He is a troughing, over-enititled pig.

This is the man who wants us to give him 20,000 fucking quid to repair his Bell Tower. The Bell Tower on his enormous fuck-off stately home.

Mr Davies trotted down to the BBC this morning, to defend his tattered reputation on the Today Programme.

Waving his trotters in agitated fashion, the pig with two faces insisted he had done nothing wrong in claiming on expenses for repairs to his house which has a bell tower, describing the row over the claim as a joke.

"It's such a silly thing ... because it's all a joke. We all know I haven't done anything remotely wrong," he said.

Oh we do, do we? 'We' all 'know' that do we, you thieving bastard?

You think if you say that often enough, we'll believe it? Who do you think you are, Derren fucking Brown?

Asked if he had considered his position when the claim was revealed, he said: "You must be absolutely joking"

No we're fucking not, Quentin. We do think you should resign. Then shoot yourself, you thieving git.

It may be a joke to you, Quentin old chap.

But we're not laughing.

_

In the latest crackdown on the collection of thieves and fraudsters that infest the House of Commons, Sir Christopher 'to-be-found-dead-in-a-wood-soon' Kelly will announce that MP's can no longer 'employ' their spouses or children.

This is a bit of a blow to the 200 - fucking 200! - MP's who currently do exactly that.

That's right; 200 MP's, not content with their own salary and expenses, help themselves to a bit more of our money, and pass it to other members of their families.

The most famous, and most egregious of recent times, is Derek 'the Conman' Conway. That arch trougher had to pay back thousands of fucking pounds after an inquiry stated that there was

"..no evidence that his two sons had worked for salaries they were paid from the public purse"

That's a nice way of putting it, isn't it? We'd all be a lot harder on a traditional benefit fraudster, who had, say, 'no evidence' of a bad back, wouldn't we?

That bastard would be - rightly - identified as thief, derided by the press, dragged into court and could well end up banged up. So why not Derek Conman? And why, when he was found to have squirmed through this loophole, was it not closed up. Why now, months later?

And of course, no discussion on expenses, particularly on expenses for spouses, would be complete without a mention of Jacqui Smith, would it? She paid her husband handsomely with our money, and he in turn repaid us by jizzing all over the soft furnishings we'd bought him, like some sort of over-entitled chimpanzee.

So, yes, Sir Christopher, you tell them they can't carry on and ...  What? What's that? Oh for fuck's sake.

The crooks are ahead of us. Before this change is even announced, the fucking thieves have worked out a way around it.

They've told the Telegraph about their cunning plan:

"The wives, husbands and other family members currently employed at the tax-payers' expense plan to apply for jobs with other MPs as a way of dodging the guidelines"

Oh for Christ's sake.  That's not even cunning. That's just fucking blatant. That's taking the piss. Taking the piss on an epic scale. Taking the piss in a fucking enormous ocean-going urine-removal vessel.


How much contempt do these greedy, thieving, troughing bastards hold us in, if they think they can get away with a pathetic fucking trick like that? How stupid do they think we are? Plenty.


And how weak and utterly fucking feeble will Kelly, Legg, Bumptious Bercow and McBroon look if they actually let this happen? Completely.


And how surprised, astonished, amazed, will we be when, in spite of an uproar of protest from the taxpaying public, this particular rule is quietly dropped?

Not very...


_

The smiling chap on the right, his jolly face raised briefly from the trough, is Lord Paul of Marylebone.

A Labour peer, a friend of our beloved PM, and one of the Labour Party's largest financial backers.

He's a multi-millionaire, and so wealthy that, although he sits in the House of Lords, he's not actually domiciled in this country "for tax reasons".

Not so wealthy, however, that he's above gouging the taxpayer (who don't get any of his money) for a few quid on expenses.

In the recent round-ups, we learned that My Lord claimed around 38,000 pounds in expenses. That must have topped the coffers up nicely, eh?

But why, given that he acknowledges to everyone bar the taxman that he's lived in London for 40 years, was it so expensive to get this chap to work?

Ah well, that's because Lord Paul solemnly informed the expenses wallahs that a tiny flat in Oxfordshire - actually occupied by an employee of his - was his "main home".

When this came to light recently, did the good Lord apologise? Did he dip into his virtually bottomless pockets, fish out some small change and pay the 38 large back? Did he fuck.

He stuck to his greedy guns. He admitted that he'd never spent a single night in the flat, but argued that it was “available” for his use: he could have moved his employee out had he "wished to stay there" – but chose not to. What?

In the face of such pathetic denial - a three year old could've explained better where the chocolate buttons had gone - did the House of Lords give him a bollocking, then tip him upside down and extract the cash? Nah. Fuck that.

He's a Lord. And a mate of Gordo's. And a very generous man, come election time.

Sorry to have bothered you, my Lord. You can go now. And off he went, on his merry fucking way, pockets still bulging with our money.

Of course, Lord Pig of Making-It-Up is not alone.

Lord Rennard, Chief Executive of the Lib Dems, worked full time in London and lived in Stockwell in ... er ... London. So naturally, he claimed over 40,000 pounds for a flat in .. Eastbourne. He's been cleared now, of course. Off you go, m'lud.

And then there's our old favourite, the Queen of the fucking troughers, lets hear it for ... Baroness Uddin of Bethnal Green.

Remember her? Baroness Udders has lived, with her family, in a low rental Housing Association building for years. However, she also has a small flat in Kent. In spite of never having stayed there, and never even bothered to fucking furnish the place, she claimed that was her main residence. Netting herself a cool 100,000 of taxpayers money.

What do the House of Lords think of that? Nothing. Nothing at all. They're not even investigating her, even though the police are.

So why, why-oh-fucking-why, do all these troughing Lords and greedy Ladies keep getting away with it?

This shit happens, and will keep happening, because, according to the authorities, enforcing the rules is difficult because - you'll love this - there is no official definition of “main home”.

With MP's, the 'main home' rules are clear: it's the property at which they spend most nights. Or more accurately, as the home in which they claim to spend most nights, even if the police provide evidence that proves they're fucking lying, eh Jacqui?

At least MP's have to provide genuine evidence, before being let off scot-free.

For my Good Lords, no such vulgarity. They just have to say where they consider their main home to be. If Lord Troughalot says that he actually lives in a Barratt Home in Harlow, even if he states this while relaxing on a plush sofa in an enormous house in Mayfair, then everything's just fine. Thank you my Lord.

The only troughin' Lord who seems - and who can really tell? - to come out of this with any shred of dignity is Lord Clarke of Hampstead. He also claimed tens of thousands of pounds in “overnight subsistence” despite admitting returning to his home within the London commuter belt, or staying rent-free with a friend. But, unlike the rest of the piggies, he does seem a little sorry about it:

"It’s not within the rules. I’m responsible for my own actions .. If I’ve got to go to the wall and my life is finished in terms of political or public life .. then so be it.”

Bloody hell, an honest and seemingly repentant trougher.

We should have the fucker stuffed, and put on a plinth in the lobby, as a shining example to them all.

_

Jubiliation today as it is trumpeted that yet another troughing MP has got his just desserts. Yes,  David Wilshire, who managed to suck 100,000 of our cash into a company he owns has announced he will be stepping down. CallMeDave Cameron puts on his one of his 'quite cross' faces and says yes, he's "Done the Right Thing."

Huzzah! That'll teach the bastard. Let's see how he survives without ... what ? ... hang on ...oh...

So, yes, Wilshire has announced that he will be 'stepping down'. In the whole new universe of weasel words, invented for the expenses scandal, this actually means .. fuck all. The bastard's life hasn't changed at all.

He's still an MP. He's still being paid his salary. He'll still be entitled, god help us, to claim expenses. And, unless there's a massive break with recent tradition, that 100,000 will probably remain stashed wherever it is, in Switzerland, or the Cayman Islands. Pay it back? Not for me, thanks.

All Wilshire has said is that he's won't be brave enough, come the General Election, to see if his constituents would forgive his massive crime, and re-elect him. Big fucking deal. Of course they wouldn't. So now he's got six months to look for another fucking job, whilst being paid by us to not do his current one.

And he's not the only one. Look, there's:

Shahid fucking Malik, the Muslim who claimed that the "expenses Green Book is my bible" , who left the cabinet after we discovered we'd bought him a flat screen TC and a big comfy chair to watch it from, but is still a fucking MP.

Hazel bloody Blears, who defrauded the tax man as well as the taxpayer, might have left the cabinet, but is still very much alive and troughing. She didn't get deselected, so she's still on our payroll.

Elliot bastard Morley, who as well as looking like a pig, troughed like a one, claiming payments for a non-existant mortgage. Yup. Still an MP. Not for much longer, but still taking our money right now.

Barbara fucking Follet, who - in spite of her husband boasting how much money he gave her - still spent thousands of our money on making her vast house more secure. If her husband's so fuicking rich, why didn't she call it a day back in May, eh?

And then there's the Queen of all our Hearts, Jacqui 'Jackboots' Smith. She hasn't even gone as far as that. She's defrauded the taxpayer for another 100,000, and she's not paying any of it back, and she's not even announced any 'plans to step down', let alone resign, for fucks sake. In fact, its pretty fucking likely that the next time we see her stupid gurning face, she'll be wrapped in ermine, and be a proper lady. No chance of seeing the back of her.

For fucks' sake. What does an MP have to do to lose their job? How big a fraud do they have to commit to get the police involved? How preposterous does their claim have to be before they are made to pay it back?

How the fuck are we supposed to get rid of these dishonest MP's?

As CF's granny used to say, it's like trying to get shit off a blanket.


_

Shahid Malik: we've talked about him before, haven't we?

Thats right - when he was first caught out troughing, he claimed that the MP's expenses guide the 'Green Book' was "my bible". Since he's a Muslim, that tells us all we need to know about his conformance with the commandments on troughing.

When he was initially fingered by the Telegraph, he toured the TV studios, making sure we all knew that he'd done nothing wrong and was very definitely not sorry.

Ironically, the bastard has more to be sorry about than most. Letters From a Tory reminded us in 2008:

"the clear winner of the award for the MP who cost the taxpayer the most money is… Shahid Malik from the Labour Party! He cost you and me £185,421 in a single year, which was £7,300 more than any other MP in the entire country"

And, while he pledged to donate the cash he claimed for his thousand quid television to 'worthy local causes' in his constituency, he made sure to remind us

"I am not doing it because I have done anything wrong.."

Gordon Brown obviously swallowed all of this guff: he's decided to turn a blind eye (the left one) to Malik's greed and arrogance and has re-appointed him as Communities Minister. Either that or Carole Smilie was busy, and had to turn down the gig.

His return to power put the greedy git right back in the spotlight, and sure enough, more dirt is surfacing. According to the Evening Standard:

"Communities minister Shahid Malik was hit by fresh controversy today after it emerged that he paid half his rent in cash for his constituency home."

Surely not? Surely Shahid, you didn't cut some dodgy, tax avoiding deal with your mate to save your money? You wouldn't have done something sleazy, greedy and possibly illegal for your own benefit whilst a Minister for Justice, would you?

Don't worry, here's Shahid to clear things up. It was all a teensy misunderstanding. Apparently:

"He defended the arrangements by insisting his first assumption was that he was being asked to pay £300 in cash, on top of the £320 by direct debit, to a fellow Muslim because it was a "matter of religious observance or a cultural norm".

"He insisted that he did not think it was an attempt at tax avoidance and there is no evidence that it was."

You are fucking joking, aren't you? Just how fucking thick do you think we all are?

And what the fuck are you trying to imply? CF hasn't actually completed his reading of the Koran but he's pretty fucking certain that there isn't a passage where Allah dictates that 320 quid is the absolute maximum for a fucking direct debit. CF would be surprised if any kind of limit on financial transactions is specified in any religious tracts, what with inflation and the ever-changing exchange rates over the centuries.

Could it be that, when you were caught red-handed, you scuttled off behind the big, heavy, protective curtain that protects all those who say "But I'm a Muslim, innit?"

++ UPDATE ++ : according to Guido, Sky news are reporting a 'new investigation' into Shady Malik. Can't see it on their news site, but lets hope its true.

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• Shahid Malik resigns as Justice Minister over MPs' expenses (telegraph.co.uk)
• Gordon Brown refuses to publish report into finances of Labour MP Shahid Malik (telegraph.co.uk)
• Shahid Malik returns to Government with questions unanswered (telegraph.co.uk)
• The Green Book is "My Bible" says Muslim MP. Ha! (constantlyfurious.blogspot.com)