Dear Daily Telegraph,

Re: the MP's expenses Scandal

Alright, alright, we get the fucking point. Please, put everything else on a CD, and give it away with the next copy of your rag (free with a bottle of water at WH Smith suits me best).

Then shut the fuck up about this, and start reporting some real news again.

Thanks,
Everyone


For fucks sake, this is getting dull. It's been going on for what seems like years now, and after the first few days, very little more has been learnt by the great British public

Sure, some of it was good to hear: remember how we were furious with Hazel 'Chipmunk' Blears and the CGT? Remember how we demanded that Elliot Morely be sent to jail for his phantom mortgage? Remember how we chuckled, united as a nation, about that chap with his little house for ducks? Ah, good times, good times.

But the Telegraph just doesn't seem to know when to fucking stop. Day after day after tedious, repetitive day the story is dripped out.

It's like when your dog brings you a stick: "good boy", you say, "clever boy". So the slavering hound then brings you another. And another. And another. Given the chance, the poor stupid mutt will spend the whole fucking afternoon bringing you more and more chewed, spit-covered twigs, in the pathetically misguided idea that you're delighted with each and every one of 'em. "Another naughty MP, Daily Telegraph? Good boy".

So, mindlessly, they go on, story after story. The poor metaphorical barrel must have a pretty sore bottom, with all the scraping that's going on.

So some Labour MP claimed £5 back for a church donation? Well then he's a twat. But is this really headline news? Is it?

Sure, some will be outraged, as they are every day. Guido Fawkes is currently running 'that fiver' as a headline, and many other bloggers have popped this latest "obscenity" into the old sausage machine for today's post.

But really, what the fuck next? "Fury as MP uses Andrex instead of Tesco's own brand bog roll"?, "Outrage as MP takes last Jaffa Cake"? Jesus Christ, spare us this trivia.

And it's all such a fucking distraction to the poor dim public, who can generally only think about one scandal at a time, bless 'em.

If caught out, all an MP has to do is sit tight and keep quiet for a couple days; there’ll be a nice “duck house” story along shortly, and then we’ll all forget about them.

What the fuck happened to Baroness Uddin? To Jacqui Smith? To Hazel Blears? To Shahid Malik? Fuck all, that's what. We've all moved on, distracted by much smaller stories.

Pontificating on the Today program on Saturday some Telegraph talking head insisted on described this expenses leaking exercise as "our research". Research? You've got a big fucking spreadsheet with lots of names and numbers, and every day you pick a couple of rows and paste the details into the same fucking piece: "Outrage was today growing as blah blah fucking blah...". Where's the research in that?

The Telegraph website now even has a dedicated RSS feed, "MP's expenses" so we can watch 24 hours a day, all agog to see what latest piece of "research" they deem to drop into our ever-open mouths. The same, lame "its in the public interest" line is trotted out with fucking tiresome regularity. So nothing to do with selling more copies of your tedious rag then?

Well, CF for one is bored stupid with it all. Furious at Elliot Morely, yes, enraged by Hazel Blears, yes, and fucking incensed at Shahid Malik and his pathetic self-justifications.

But not remotely fucking interested in some miserable, tight sod claiming back a fiver which he didn't want to spend.

If there really are any more proper stories, that involve actual fraud (rather than actual Snickers, or actual light bulbs) then lets have 'em, right now.

You don't want to get tangled up, Daily Telegraph, in the unpleasantness that could arise if it was found that you've known about a major fraud for weeks, but not informed the police because you want to boost your fucking circulation in June.

But whether there are or not, its time to move on.

Move on, Daily Telegraph, move on. Get outside and get some sunshine. Barbecue some sausages. Just shut up about the expenses now, OK?


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Nadine Dorries, Tory MP and absolute ruler of the Kingdom of PoorMe, has bounced back from the removal of her blog by the evil Daily Telegraph, and now re-appears with a sparkling new blog.

Thanks to the wonders of technology, her every last utterance and trivial thought over the last 3 years has been preserved and transferred, and we can once more join her in wallowing in her self-pity. Get this:

"realising that with the Archbishops comments, that at least I had God on my side, I began to vomit."

Which is ironic, because when CF realised Nadine was blogging again, he began to vomit. For fucks sake.

CF has already written about how this womans inane, self-pitying witterings are wasting both bandwidth and the apparently limited supply of public wrath.

Remember, we talked about this? Fascinating though this woman's deluding ramblings doubtless are,why is Hazel Blears still in the Cabinet? Why do the blasted Balls remain completely untouched? Why the fuck is Elliot Morely not in prison yet?

And the old favourite: why, why-oh-fucking-why hasn't Baroness Uddin been dragged onto the streets and hung from a lamp-post?

For fucks sake, we want some arses kicked here; we want some radical change in a corrupt and broken system, not to read a whinge about Nadine's fucking tummy ache, or how naughty the main stream media can be.

Be *smack!* quiet, woman.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Telegraph shuts down Tory MP's blog (guardian.co.uk)
• MPs' expenses: Tory MP Nadine Dorries admits she only spends weekends and holidays in her 'main home' (telegraph.co.uk)
• Oh Nadine, DO shut up (constantlyfurious.blogspot.com)

And tonight's thieving bastard is .... David Chaytor. No, CF has never heard of him either.

But he's just leapt to fame as the latest to be named 'n' shamed (well, named - shame doesn't seem to happen with these gits) as the latest egregious consumer of taxpayers' money.

Although this one looks less like a pig than Elliot Whatshisface, who should be in prison by now (what, he isn't? he didn't even resign? Fuck me), he shares a taste for the trough.

What did you do, Davey C? Well, according to the Daily Telegraph:

"..between September, 2005, and August. 2006, Mr Chaytor claimed £1,175 a month for mortgage interest on a Westminster flat. However, Land Registry records show that the mortgage on the flat had already been paid off in January 2004. "

The fucking twat. Once again, "a mortgage already paid off": quite a polite way of describing a cost you claimed back that doesn't fucking exist. You know, like a meal you never ate, or a taxi you never took. A conscience you never had. A moral compass you never owned.

The whole sorry affair is getting depressingly repetitive now. Doubtless this numpty will appear on breakfast TV tomorrow, blame "the rules", claim to have paid "some" of the money back and then temporarily step down as Head of the Romeny Marsh and Dungeness Badger Appreciation Society, whilst conveniently forgetting to resign as an MP.

Dear God, is this pit fucking bottomless?


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It seems quite exciting, at first glance, this latest drip in the seemingly endless drip-drip-drip of the Daily Telegraph's revelations of MP's expenses. The headline shouts:

"Clare Short makes excessive claim for mortgage payment"

Directly beneath this exciting statement, the Telegraph adds:

"Clare Short, the former international development secretary, admitted claiming thousands of pounds of taxpayers’ money to which she was not entitled within months of standing down as a Cabinet minister"

Game on! We've got a story here. The BBC are already headlining this shocker. Pass me that pitchfork. We march at midnight. .

But .. wait .. hang on.

Those without Attention Deficit Disorder, and without Anything Better To Do, can read further, when the magic begins to wear off. A good story is spoiled by the tedious intrusion of, dammit, facts.

Several years ago, she over-claimed on her mortgage, having become confused (bless) on the difference between interest payments and principal repayments.

The over-claims were picked up by the fees office

".. in May, 2006, when she was asked to provide a mortgage statement. A month later she wrote, agreeing to repay £8,436"

Clare Short is a silly bitch, and CF couldn't care less if she lives, dies, or ascends to the skies in a golden chariot, but quite frankly, this is a non-story. She paid the money back promptly, three years ago.

And this was worth holding on to for eight, long, tiring, repetitive days?

That noise you can hear is the scraping of the bottom of the barrel.

CF is hearing that the Daily Telegraph's next victims are that Golden Couple, Ed 'Blinky' Balls and Yvette 'Mrs Balls' Cooper.

Thinks that's unfair? Feeling 'disgusted'? Wish they could be left alone?

Just have a closer look at their smug, well-fed faces. Just think of them relaxing between the silky sheets that we paid for, perhaps sipping some champagne from lead-crystal glasses that were deemed essential for 'entertaining'.

Gazing out over a well-kept garden, a small team toiling on the flower beds, happy in the knowledge that the faint noise in the background is the value of 'their' investments ticking steadily upwards. Revelling in the fact that two claimants can cover all the gaps, make sure nothing is accidentally - ugh - paid for.

Now how do you fucking feel? Yeah, CF feels that way too.

About to be humiliated? Ooooooooooh. Let's hope so....


UPDATE: still nothing on these two, but the cry is going up at Guido Fawkes - "we want Balls!" . Perhaps the Daily Telegraph are saving this for the Grand Finale. Bring it on!


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