Dear Daily Telegraph,
Re: the MP's expenses Scandal
Alright, alright, we get the fucking point. Please, put everything else on a CD, and give it away with the next copy of your rag (free with a bottle of water at WH Smith suits me best).
Then shut the fuck up about this, and start reporting some real news again.
For fucks sake, this is getting dull. It's been going on for what seems like years now, and after the first few days, very little more has been learnt by the great British public
Sure, some of it was good to hear: remember how we were furious with Hazel 'Chipmunk' Blears and the CGT? Remember how we demanded that Elliot Morely be sent to jail for his phantom mortgage? Remember how we chuckled, united as a nation, about that chap with his little house for ducks? Ah, good times, good times.
But the Telegraph just doesn't seem to know when to fucking stop. Day after day after tedious, repetitive day the story is dripped out.
It's like when your dog brings you a stick: "good boy", you say, "clever boy". So the slavering hound then brings you another. And another. And another. Given the chance, the poor stupid mutt will spend the whole fucking afternoon bringing you more and more chewed, spit-covered twigs, in the pathetically misguided idea that you're delighted with each and every one of 'em. "Another naughty MP, Daily Telegraph? Good boy".
So, mindlessly, they go on, story after story. The poor metaphorical barrel must have a pretty sore bottom, with all the scraping that's going on.
So some Labour MP claimed £5 back for a church donation? Well then he's a twat. But is this really headline news? Is it?
Sure, some will be outraged, as they are every day. Guido Fawkes is currently running 'that fiver' as a headline, and many other bloggers have popped this latest "obscenity" into the old sausage machine for today's post.
But really, what the fuck next? "Fury as MP uses Andrex instead of Tesco's own brand bog roll"?, "Outrage as MP takes last Jaffa Cake"? Jesus Christ, spare us this trivia.
And it's all such a fucking distraction to the poor dim public, who can generally only think about one scandal at a time, bless 'em.
If caught out, all an MP has to do is sit tight and keep quiet for a couple days; there’ll be a nice “duck house” story along shortly, and then we’ll all forget about them.
What the fuck happened to Baroness Uddin? To Jacqui Smith? To Hazel Blears? To Shahid Malik? Fuck all, that's what. We've all moved on, distracted by much smaller stories.
Pontificating on the Today program on Saturday some Telegraph talking head insisted on described this expenses leaking exercise as "our research". Research? You've got a big fucking spreadsheet with lots of names and numbers, and every day you pick a couple of rows and paste the details into the same fucking piece: "Outrage was today growing as blah blah fucking blah...". Where's the research in that?
The Telegraph website now even has a dedicated RSS feed, "MP's expenses" so we can watch 24 hours a day, all agog to see what latest piece of "research" they deem to drop into our ever-open mouths. The same, lame "its in the public interest" line is trotted out with fucking tiresome regularity. So nothing to do with selling more copies of your tedious rag then?
Well, CF for one is bored stupid with it all. Furious at Elliot Morely, yes, enraged by Hazel Blears, yes, and fucking incensed at Shahid Malik and his pathetic self-justifications.
But not remotely fucking interested in some miserable, tight sod claiming back a fiver which he didn't want to spend.
If there really are any more proper stories, that involve actual fraud (rather than actual Snickers, or actual light bulbs) then lets have 'em, right now.
You don't want to get tangled up, Daily Telegraph, in the unpleasantness that could arise if it was found that you've known about a major fraud for weeks, but not informed the police because you want to boost your fucking circulation in June.
But whether there are or not, its time to move on.
Move on, Daily Telegraph, move on. Get outside and get some sunshine. Barbecue some sausages. Just shut up about the expenses now, OK?
Dear Daily Telegraph,