Bad choice of words?

Kate McCann is at it again, gettin' all up in our grill about her uniquely missing daughter.

But obviously this time, she's not listened to her retinue of PR people, and as a result she's deployed a rather .. errr ... unfortunate turn of phrase:

Families of missing people are put in the "unbearable position" of being "left in the dark", Kate McCann told MPs today.

Oh dear. Ouch.

I think we can all recall someone, someone you knew, Kate, who was in the 'position' of being 'left in the dark', can't we?

More Sangria?


Brussels runs Belgium

In some ways, it's good to see that Belgium has survived for more than a year without any official government. As one with Libertarian leanings, CF is delighted to have proof so close to hand that a nation can trundle along quite well without a bunch of 'official' troughers. And, as the BBC notes

"Belgium is ticking along nicely. Its economy is growing, exports are up, inward foreign investment has continued, the country's presidency of the European Union in 2010 was deemed a success, and it has contributed to the Nato bombing of Libya."

Not a bad little school report, that. Have some money for some sweeties, Belgium.

However, when you look at the situation a tiny, tiny bit more closely, its actually not mildly amusing, but pretty fucking scary.

Why don't those Belgians need a working government? Well, because:

"..their civil servants are efficient managers .. many powers have already been devolved to Belgium's regional governments .. not to mention the pooling of sovereignty with other members of the eurozone and European Union."

In other words, the country doesn't need a 'real' government because regional 'governments' are keeping the streets swept, civil servants are collecting the speeding fines, and all the real, big, important stuff - you know, money, laws, that kind of thing - has been given away to the fucking EU.

For fucks sake, that's not funny at all, Belgium.

Is that why Cleggy and his boys are so very, very keen on AV? Because AV and most of its the other supposedly 'superior' voting systems generally lead to coalitions? Is that what could have happened in the UK eventually, had the 'Yes' campaign suceeded? A series of weaker, more diverse coalitions, ending with such a fragmented mess that no governing was possible?

And then the EU could do what it's always wanted to do, and make all our laws.

Be afraid...


Labour's lasting legacy

Idly perusing a Spectator editorial a moment ago, CF was stunned by one of the most horrifying statistics he has ever, ever had the misfortune to see:

"Britain has more people on welfare than Ireland, Finland and New Zealand have people"

For fucks sake. Just read that again. For FUCKS SAKE. How did we come to this? And what the fuck are we going to do about it ?


Nannying the kids

The witterings on the Today programme during CF's drive to work this morning were particularly irritating.

Apparently, a bunch of people, rather than making things, or repairing things, or providing goods and services to others, have made it their business to worry about the children. Like a real job, but utterly pointless.

Anyway, these people have become worried that the children - won't somebody think of the children? - might see the cover of a dirty mag', or see the adverts for saucy lingerie for the under tens and be 'offended', 'hurt' and - always a good one - 'damaged'.

And so what do they want? Oh, you know, what do these fuckwits always want? That's right : legislation. Ledge-ish-fucking-lay-shun.

Because we don't want little Johnny to see FHM magazine, we must make it illegal to display or sell such a thing. No-one shall have it, on pain of imprisonment.

Because we don't think it's appropriate that Sophie wants a padded bra, we must ban - oohhhhh lovely word - ban the production of this. If Sophie shouldn't have one, then no-one can.

Oh dear God. Jesus Christ on a fucking bike. Where to begin?

Why doesnt anybody want to ever take any fucking responsibility? Why do 'they' always have to 'do something about it'?

Don't want your nine year old son reading Nuts magazine? Hide your copy under your bed for fucks sake. Scared he might see the cover of a porn mag? How about you don't give him shoulder rides around your seedy local petrol station?

Worried about your ten year old daughter wearing a padded bra? Well don't buy her one. Tell her she can't buy herself one. And if her dodgy uncle-she-met-on-the-Internet buys her one, for fucks sake take it away and burn it.

Parents, guess what? You have a huge amount of control over what your kids read, wear and watch. You don't need to further empower the nanny state - the one we thought we were getting rid of - to tell you what's right and wrong for your offspring.

If you don't want your child to do or see something, fucking stop them. They're probably shorter than you, and certainly a lot less fit. Unless you take them on their X-Box, you'll probably get the upper hand.

Make your children behave in the way you think appropriate. Don't trot along to Broadcasting House and demand that new laws are created, that things you don't like are banned.

And if you're one of the misguided fuckwits pushing for this new legislation and you don't actually have kids of your own, well then you must do what you've probably been doing all along: go fuck yourself.


Caption Competition #83

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Just check out this picture.

Saint Obama, Mrs. Saint Obama and the terrible, terrible Dominique Strauss-Kahn; you know, 'DSK' to his friends and the tabloids.

So, wassup here?  Look at the expressions. Look at St. O's restraining hand. Look at Mrs O's strained grin.

I think we all know wassup here...

(oh, by the way, hat tip to the First Post)


So, the 12 year old supposed-to-be-gay boy didn't win Bacon-Lettuce-and-Tomato? Huh? So why did the secret squirrel tell us he was going to?

Was it that the whistleblower was wrong, that the contest really is wide open and we can each have our say?

Or maybe, maybe, the littlest gayer was going to win, but because someone pointed out Sir Simon had fixed it he had to fix it the other way so that we wouldn't know he'd fixed it?

No, wait, hang on...

Nobody gives a flying fuck.


The only surprise is that anyone's surprised #BGT

The open letter below was put up on the Interwebs a couple of days ago, but the worlds most powerful man, Simon Cowell has had the original removed. Read it below.

This is probably an elaborate hoax, but equally probably contains several very accurate allegations.

BGT fixed? Are you surprised? CF isn't.


"For reasons which will become obvious, I can't reveal my full identity. But let me just say that, I am an executive with Sony Music UK with many years experience in music mangement. My work involves close liasion with Simon Cowell's SYCO company (specifically SYCO Music and SYCO TV) and, as a result, I have seen what goes on from the inside and this has left me increasingly uncomfortable about the integrity of Britain's Got Talent and particularly the workings of SYCO.

It's long been known that there is a quite a degree of "fixing" in BGT. ( Daily Mail ) But press reports on "fixing" are only the tip pf the iceberg when it comes to SYCO's manipulation of, not only the show and the contestants, but also the viewing public and hopefully, in this email, I can shine some light on the smoke and mirrors trickery of SYCO.

Take BGT 2011 for example. Scouts working for SYCO first saw Ronan Parke (the 12 year old singer) some two years ago when he was just 10 and was singing at a birthday party for former Norwich City goal-keeper, Bryan Gunn. Following that, Ronan was privately auditioned by SYCO scouts on two more occasions and, as is usual practice on BGT, he was "invited" to audition for the show as a "preferred" contestant. At the same time, Ronan and his parents were "required" to enter into a contract with SYCO. Like all SYCO contracts, it is heavily weighted in favour of the label and are notoriously bad, even in the cut-throat world of the music industry. Simon effectively signed Ronan for life and he's got little or no chance of ever getting out of it...unless Simon decides to terminate. Recording contracts are legally extremely complex and usually require input and advice from very expensive, specialist contract lawyers. SYCO knows that such legal advice goes well beyond the means of most contestants. As one senior SYCO executive said to me recently. "These people are mugs. They'll sign away their own mother just to get on tv. It's a fucking turkey-shoot and then we own their arses!"

As is common for "invited" contestants that SYCO likes and have already signed, Ronan and his parents were provided with a car to drive them to the audition in London. These "invited" contestants don't have to queue up with everyone else, they don't go through the preliminary auditions with producers, but perform straight to Simon and the judging panel at a prearranged
time-slot. And so it was for Ronan back in 2009 when he was just 10.

It was at this initial audition that I first met Ronan and he looked very different back then. He was a skinny, 10 year old lad who, even at that time, was a bit effeminate. His voice needed a bit of working on, but that wouldn't be a problem.

Unfortunately, nerves got the better of Ronan and he was unable to perform. Simon however, had already seen the audition tapes from the scouts and took Ronan into an unused dressing room and got him to sing in there with his mum for support.

Clearly Ronan was not going to be part of BGT in 2009 and nothing from this was ever televised.
Ordinarily, you would think that would be the end of things, but with Ronan already signed to SYCO, far from it. This was just the start of a two year grooming and manipulation process to prepare Ronan for stardom.

It's no big secret that Simon has been looking for an artist who could crack the very lucrative pre-teen market for some time, particularly in the US. If you like, he wanted his own rival to Bieber and, taking a leaf out of how professional football academies develop youngersters to feed their main team, Simon wanted his own singing academy and Ronan was just one of a number of identified youngsters, with whom SYCO intensively works with.

A development package, which included professional singing, dancing and stage-craft tuition was arranged for Ronan and the SYCO machine kicked into gear with the view of Ronan entering BGT 2010. Lots of work had been done with Ronan and his voice was much improved, unfortunately nerves were still a major issue for him and it was decided by SYCO not to
enter him into the 2010 series. At a following senior exec meeting at SYCO it was suggested that Ronan be dropped, but with Simon confident that he could be the kid he had been looking for, it was agreed that Ronan would receive "intensive support and input" to ready him for the 2011 series. Although Ronan's voice was now stunning, there were other major problems to be dealt with in order to sell him to the public. With respect to Ronan, he was nothing more than a cooky-looking, skinny runt of a kid and this was identified as a major handicap to sales.

It was agreed at a high-level, secret SYCO meeting, that if they were to do anything with Ronan, he needed totally restyling from the toes up. And so with time running out to develop Ronan into the star Simon wanted, SYCO went into overdrive.

Ronan was even given speech and elocution training to rid him of his rural Norfolk accent, again in preparation for the potential US market. As for his effeminate and girlishness, this posed a bigger problem and resulted in many highly confidential meetings. At one of these meetings, the unthinkable was raised as a way forward....

Until now Ronan had been encouraged to "boy-up" and it was planned to present Ronan as an everyday skater-boy. But with his girliness still showing through, the image just wasn't believable. So a decision was taken to encourage and allow Ronan to "release" and enhance his campness . Disgustingly, SYCO planned to sexualise him. They were well aware of course, that if they sexualised a young girl to look sexually older than she is, all hell would let loose. But with Ronan, as one executive put it, "no one has ever seen a 'gay' kid before, it'll be a novelty." As for the pre-teen market, it was accepted they wouldn't care if Ronan appeared gay or not...most probably don't know what gay is anyway. And so, with a total gaysexualisation of Ronan secretly planned, SYCO got to work. I should stress, Ronan's parents were not aware of any of this
and were never consulted about Ronan's development or management. When I first met Ronan he was a bit effeminate in his ways, but nothing like the camp, girlie-giggling kid you see now on BGT and this is a direct result of SYCO's styling. Even his clothing worn at the audition and live semi-final were chosen for him by SYCO to match his new image.

SYCO took over everything to do with Ronan. His hairstyle, his clothes, his poise, giving tv interviews, you name it, Ronan was styled within an inch of his life and all on the promise of stardom, just as long as he worked hard and listened to his mentors. As for Ronan's parents they were constantly reassured that Simon was personally looking after Ronan and "it's all good".

And so to BGT 2011. With Ronan ready to be unveiled, SYCO bosses, under instructions from Simon did something not done in previous series of BGT; the winner of BGT 2011 was decided long before the first auditions took place and that winner HAD to be Ronan Parke. With Ronan now 12, he looked and sounded just as SYCO had planned, but time was running out. Soon Ronan would be going into puberty and his voice would eventually break, so BGT 2011 had to be the vehicle to launch Ronan's career; another year and as a singer he would probably be beyond any meaningful career and the opportunity will have been missed. With all this investment in Ronan, the production managers at SYCO TV are ready to deliver Ronan as ordered. Again, I need to stress, Ronan and his parents know nothing of this and have no idea Ronan will win BGT this weekend.

So far in the history of BGT and X-Factor, for that matter, no one has ever won who has not been an "invited or preferred" contestant, and it does sadden me that, all those thousands of people, lining up outside, often in the rain and cold, are basically wasting their time. The producers of BGT are not looking for the talented people, they aready have those. The reality is that the producers are hunting out oddities, freaks and, I'm ashamed to say, mentally ill people, to act as amusing fillers in the audition shows. They are nothing more than unpaid extras and they don't even qualify for traveling expenses!

It's quite disgusting and shameful really, how the production team on BGT operate. People come from all over the country, often at great personal expense, because they think BGT is a talent competition and they stand a chance of realising their dreams. I can tell you from the inside that BGT is no more a "competition", than I am an astronaut. Nothing is left to chance on BGT, everything is micro-managed, choreographed, manipulated and planned down to the last detail including, the telephone voting.

The ability to manipulate viewers opinion is vital if you are to control telephone voting and indeed get the required result.

SYCO see this as essential to the success of the show and are very open about fact; planning and delivering live shows of quality is impossible if it was purely left to the public vote. As Simon said in a meeting once. "The public NEED to be told who to vote for." Everything on BGT is geared towards telling you who you should for, particularly on the production side. It's an art really, which Simon has honed to perfection and SYCO are now world leaders at.

The micro-management of Ronan's audition performance was incredible. I was really quite shocked at his new image. From a starting point of wanting Ronan to look cute for the pre-teen market, SYCO had totally gayed him up in the process. Ronan's not a 16 year old expressing his sexualty for the first time, he's a 12 year old boy. It was horrible and I was very uncomfortable as to where this was going to end. Ronan, still suffering from nerves, performed his song and received a standing ovation from all three judges...why? Because it was in the script to give Ronan a standing ovation. As for Louis comment. "Ronan Parke. Remember that name. This kid's gonna be a star!!" - that was actually fed to him from the production gallery and I know the guy who wrote the line. And when it comes to Ronan's tears...well, check it out on YouTube or something. You see Ronan crying and wiping away tears. Only you don't see any actual tears, not even on close-up and on an HD tv. Yep you guessed it, even that was choreographed, right down to the lip-biting!

It was also interesting to see that even before the final credits rolled on Ronan's audition show, SYCO TV had uploaded the offical video of Ronan onto YouTube. Today, that particular video has been viewed over 2.5 million times and growing.

SYCO don't do that for other contestants, so why Ronan? The gaying-up Ronan plan slightly backfired on SYCO when lots of negative comments were being posted on YouTube and Twitter about Ronan's image and the supposed sexuality that represents. Things got so bad on YouTube that the posting of comments had to be suspended. But SYCO learned from this and dressed Ronan more appropriately for his semi-final show; preferring a much more Bieber inspired look to the 'gaykid' image presented in the audition.

In another unusal move for BGT contestants, SYCO created Ronan's Official Facebook Fan Page and Twitter account. Both these services are managed from within SYCO and they post messages and pictures, not Ronan. This is because they don't want Ronan posting anything controversial and is standard practice for currrent artists signed to SYCO.

And so this weekend will see Ronan crowned as winner of BGT 2011. Oh and let's not forget the £100k prize money. It's unlikely Ronan will see much or any of that. He's been signed to SYCO for two years now and under the terms of his contract, while SYCO stump-up for costs in advance, this is paid back from future earnings. So he will need to pay for all those lessons, coaches, cars, clothes, styling and management... I wouldn't be surprised even after winning BGT, if he is not still in debt to SYCO.

As a recording artist Ronan has a relatively short shelf-life. Simon knows he is going to have to hit the ground running to maximise Ronan's earning potential, particularly if they go ahead with a planned break into the States and the pace is going to be frantic for Ronan. If you think the music industry is bad in the UK, you haven't seen anything until you experience it Stateside.

With an "anything goes" attitude all morals have long since gone out of the window. There will be no allowance for Ronan's age and he will be expected to perform on late- night shows and dinners etc. And if he get exhausted, there's always some sleaze-bag on hand ready to put a line of coke under his nose. I've seen it a million times.

I know for a fact, that the songs have already been chosen for Ronan's debut single and album, and that the backing and drum tracks have already been laid down.

Of course, once Ronan's voice breaks, it's game-over and he will be commercially redundant for a few years. By the time he gets through that, the world will have moved on and his fan-base will have grown-up a bit. Will he make a comeback? In my experience I'd say probably not.

I've met Ronan a few times over the past couple of years. He's a really nice kid with a generous, warm personality and the most wonderfully cute, girlie-giggle. There's nothing to not like about Ronan. He's a really sensitive soul and this comes across as him being a bit effeminate. But in a world of thuggish chavs, Ronan's a real breath of fresh air really and a real delight to chat to. Do I think Ronan's gay? No, is the short answer to that. SYCO have got a lot to answer for in their initial styling and image for Ronan. Like many 12 year old boys, Ronan may have issues in coming to terms with his sexuality in a couple of years. But right now, he's just a great kid...a bit different, I admit...but a great kid just the same.

I hope Ronan is not damaged by this experience, unforunately, history warns otherwise...but whatever, the genie is already out of the bottle and come this weekend, Ronan's life will change forever. Whether it's a good or bad experience being a 12 year old star in today's music industry, only time will tell. But as an industry insider I have serious reservations about what is about to happen to Ronan Parke and I doubt he or his family are ready for what's coming.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter and Facebook for getting this document out. Without you my voice would be silent.

** If you want to help expose the lie which is Britain's Got Talent, please feel free to republish this article or post a link to it

Sony Music UK"

Hat tip to Sir Olly

Blatterly ridiculous

The face of evil
It seems pretty well impossible to open a paper, listen to the radio or fire up a browser without being subjected to a seemingly endless torrent of crap about the ridiculously named Sepp Blatter.

The world stands aghast at the horrors he hath wrought, apparently. WHY, for fucks sake?

Has he murdered thousands of rebels, leaving children parentless and wives mourning? Well, no.

Has he fucked up the entire economy of a nation, leaving debts it will take generations to repay? No, that wasn't him.

Has he pushed a person with learning difficulties over, and hosed them with cold water? No, not him either.

So he's a well dodgy foreigner, who's taken more backhanders than a Nigerian customs officer? So he's got a fucking Learjet? Who fucking cares?

So he's helped himself to the Presidency for the fourth time in a row? So what? The presidency of a bunch of other equally corrupt foreigners. He's not sitting on any oil; he's not poison gassing his colleagues. What do you want to do, get the Americans to send in some choppers? Effect some Regime Change? Dear God.

This twat doesn't get any of CF's money. He doesn't suckle on CF's taxes - in fact, he doesn't get anybody's fucking taxes, does he? Not even the Television Licence money goes to FIFA, does it?

If, like CF, you are one of the many, many people who choose not to spunk sixty quid to sit and watch 22 millionaires rolling on the floor and spitting at each other, and you don't pay fifty quid for your T-shirts just so they can have the same adverts on as Wayne's do, and you don't pay Sky forty quid a month for the privilege of bringing yet more tedious bladder chasing into your life, then this twat Blatter is not getting any of your money, is he?

And clearly, for all the huffing and puffing, our own FA isn't going to influence him now he's got his chops in the trough, are they? If the biggest threat we can muster is that we might not send a team to struggle through the group stages of the 2104 World Cup before being knocked out in the Quarter Finals, then he's probably just going to carry on filling his boots, isn't he?

So CF, for one, no longer wants to hear that Seppy has just eaten a champagne brunch off the body of a supermodel, or just had his Cheetah gold plated.

We. Don't. Give. A. Shit.