WE mustn't lie to THEM

If you had to be polite about State Education in Labour's Utopian Britain, you might say it was .. err ... a mixed bag. If you weren't bothering to be polite, you'd say it was an utter fucking shambles.

Parents have resorted to desperate tactics to try to get their offspring into one of the few remaining schools that have less than 50 pupils in a class, teach at least some of the lessons in English, and forbid the discharging of firearms outside of lunch and morning break.

Some rent properties nearer the school, some suddenly discover a religion suspiciously similar to that of their chosen school. Some have even had their children declared as having 'special needs' or other issues from which they miraculously recover after entrance.

Back in May of this year, Mranil Patel, desperate to get her son into a popular school, lied to Harrow Council. She claimed she was living at her mother's during a brief split with her husband, but reconciled with him shortly after the school's application deadline.

Harrow Council didn't like that much, and took her straight to court, accusing her of fraud. Ms Patel faced a fine of up to £5,000, or a prison sentence. Astonishingly, for once, sanity prevailed, and the case was thrown out.

So, guess - go on, guess - what Ed 'Blinky' Ball's response was to that? It was exactly the same as this corrupt and incompetent Government's response always is when something doesn't go their way: "We must have an inquiry".

As with all such inquiries, this one by the Chief Schools Adjudicator has 'found' exactly what Blinky wanted it to. That - gasp - some naughty parents are telling naughty fibs to the State. Ummmmm. And therefore - can you see where this is going? - we need some more legislation, to make this fibbing against the law.

According to 'a source with links to the review' - that'd be the official 'leaker' then - it recommends:

"Sanctions could include a court summons, a fine or an order to undertake unpaid work"

Prosecuted for lying? Sounds great. Can anyone prosecute anyone? If so, Gordon 'you-can-tell-he's-lying-his-lips-are-moving' Brown is going to be spending a lot of time in court soon. Still, at least he'll have his entire fucking cabinet for company.

Jacqui Smith, for an obvious example, lied about where she lived, and not just to get a better education for her kids. No, fuck that, she lied so that she could help herself to hundreds of thousands of pounds of our money. Perhaps she'll be made to 'undertake some unpaid work'? No. No she won't.

It'd be nice if this rule was applied to her, but no, dream on. This will only be the State, only prosecuting the parents who've tried this little scam.

Doubtless Blinky Balls will commend this upcoming report, and everything in it. The 'ideas' he likes will be rushed into legislation, in the dying days of this fucking useless Government.

Here's another fucking idea, Blinky. Why don't you make the schools we have good enough that parents aren't driven to lying, just to ensure their children get a tolerable education?

Blinky says he's been doing that all along. Fanfaring his umpteenth fucking re-re-re-re-launch of the same tired old toss, he boasts:

"“Schools are central to our Children’s Plan vision to make this the best place in the world to grow up. School standards have been transformed over the last decade - one of the proudest achievements of this government."

“We have invested in more teachers and classroom assistants, new school buildings and facilities; created academies, trusts and specialist schools; strengthened school accountability; and introduced a fair School Admissions Code."

“The results are clear – more good and outstanding rated schools than ever before; many more young people leaving primary school secure in the basics, getting good qualifications in secondary school and staying on in education and training than a decade ago."

“The best schools already deliver a great education for all their pupils, working beyond their school gates with parents, local communities and other children’s services."

Well, that's a complete load of bollocks, isn't it Blinky?

Looks like you've been telling lies to us, to better your own position.

Shall we see you in Court?


If pigs could vote..

..they'd probably vote to abolish bacon slicers, and for triple rations of swill every evening. That's why farmers don't usually seek the opinion of the pigs regarding their living conditions.

A similar logic should be applied to the 646 greedy little pigs in the House of Commons.

Next week, Head Pig Hattie Harperson will haul herself to her feet and, eyes glittering with self-righteousness, inform MP's exactly how their cosy little lives are about to be shattered.

Yes, MP's are going to hear - as if they hadn't been thoroughly leaked already - Sir Christopher 'Ned' Kelly's proposals for a brave new world of expense policies.

This chilly and austere regime will include a ban on claims for mortgage interest on a second home, a ban on employing partners and relatives, abolition of the 10-grand-a-year-for-stamps 'communications allowance', and will stop MPs who live within an hour of Westminster claiming for second homes.

Hell, there's nothing wrong with any of that shit, the nation cries.

But MP's are slightly less delighted. In fact, they're squealing like pigs whose swill has been whisked from beneath their hungry noses.

Swinging his swill-spattered chops angrily from side-to-side, Sir Stuart Bell gives us the benefit of his opinion:

"The house would want to look at these recommendations very carefully, they will want to debate them and have the opportunity, should they so wish, to amend them."

Oh, would they? Would they fucking really? "..should they so wish, to amend them" - can't you just hear the fucking arrogance, the disdain and the overwhelming sense of entitlement packed into those words?

Here's an alternative suggestion, Sir Stuart: fuck right off, the lot of you.

You can 'look at these recommendations very carefully' for as long as you want. Stare at them until you're blue in the fucking face, if it pleases you. You can 'debate them' among yourselves all night, if you've really got nothing better to do.

But what you're not going to do, you greedy self-regarding bastards, is 'amend them'. We don't care what rules you'd like. You're going to abide by these rules.

But it's not sinking in, is it? Unnamed senior MPs have apparently warned that "there will be a major revolt" if Ned Kelly gets his way in one particular area, and removes the cash bung - the 'resettlement grant' - paid to the 112 MPs currently planning to stand down. "MPs will not accept that being withdrawn," said one.

What? If the 112 MP's who are stepping down - mostly because the fuckers know they won't be re-elected following their egregious expenses fraud - don't get a nice lump of cash to help them on their way, there will be a 'major revolt'? They 'will not accept that'? Oh yeah? What will they do? Step down? No, wait...

And, MP's, you're not going to get to vote on whether or not the recommendations are implemented either. Gordon Brown has already said - mainly for the sake of his own ruined reputation - that MPs will "have no right to vote" on the new expenses system. He wants this done, dusted and out of the way, so he can carry on saving the world and stage-managing the UK's now nearly unique recession.

Oohhhh, they're not happy about that. "Not democratic", "We have a right.."

But, as Anna Raccoon points out, they shouldn't be surprised. The Proceeds of Crime Act has been stealthily extended until Local Councils, the Rural Payments Agency, the Financial Services Authority, Transport for London, the Royal Mail, fuck, just about anybody can grab hold of our wallets and take our money as and when they feel the need.

Where were the protesting MP's then? Not in the house, 'debating' and 'amending', where they? No, tucked up in one of the many sumptuous beds we bought them, in one of the houses we paid for, watching the flat screen TV we bought them, remote control in one hand, Kleenex in the other.

You didn't vote then, little piggies, and you're certainly not going to vote now. You can't be trusted, see?  You've been caught with your fat little trotters in the till, so you don't get the right to decide whether we're going to padlock it.

Bad luck, piggies. There's no more swill, and the abattoir van is coming up the drive for some of you.

And we really don't care what you think about it...


Expenses: Hattersley's Spitting Mad

Roy Hattersley, former MP, former Chancellor and former Home Secretary, has been sharing with us his opinions on the MP's expenses debacle.

And guess what? Guess what he thinks? He doesn't agree with Sir Christopher Kelly's findings, or with the new rules. Who'da thought, eh?

Roy, the man famously - and accurately - described by Tony Blair as that "Yorkshire Cunt", feels that the new rules and payback orders are

"..the price that the honest and hard-working majority have to pay for the excesses of their colleagues who exploited the system in a way which was part scandal and part farce"

Boo-fucking-hoo, Fattersley. Honest and hard working majority? Only about 3 fucking MP's came out of this with any dignity, and even Broon himself had to give back twelve grand.

If we're to believe partisan old Roy, it was pretty much only the terrible Tories that abused the system. He manages to mention Derek Conway, he reminds us about Douglas Hogg's moat, he can't resist talking about the 'Duck House' and even tries a quick smear on CallMeDave and the £237 he had to pay back.

But Roy, Roy, you missed a couple.

What about 'Justice' Minister, Shahid Malik, who bought an enormous flat screen TV? What about Elliot Morely, who claimed for a payments on a nonexistent mortage? What about, for Christ's sake, Jacqui fucking Smith, self-confessed "Poster Girl" for the whole tawdry scandal? Didn't you hear about any of those, Roy?

One of the issues Lardy Chatterley has with all this nasty transparency and openness is that

"..in the short term the result can only be an increase in the conviction that politicians cannot be trusted and that draconian regulation is the only way to keep them honest"

Well, fuck, yes. We've already got that 'conviction'. Unlike Hazel Blears, Jacqui Smith et al, who should have fucking criminal convictions. Politicians cannot be trusted? Yup. We need to be keep them honest? Yeah.

Roysie goes on to condescendingly warn us that we should avoid

"..the pretence that all the new proposals are either right or reasonable. They are a response to the populist clamour that the exposure of previous excesses .. created"

Populist clamour? What the fuck? Is that a patronising way of saying 'what the people want', Roy? Is it? Are you suggesting we should protect those poor, poor MP's from our unreasonable demands? Bollocks.

Remember, all you MP's, we elected you, and you work for us. Don't listen to old Uncle Roy, he's pissed again.

You'll fucking do what we want.


Iceland: fire, ice, but no burgers.

There's a whole lot of schadenfreude goin' on, now that MacDonald’s has announced they will no longer be peddling their filthy-but-delicious wares in Iceland.

"McDonald's is pulling out of Iceland next week, in a fresh blow to the island nation a year on from a financial crash that nearly left it bankrupt"

..gloats the Guardian.  A 'fresh blow'? In exactly what fucking sense is the loss of Ronald bloody MacDonald and all his spotty acolytes a 'blow'?

All the pro-European droolers are delighted. "See what happens if you're not protected by the super-state?", they crow. "No more yummy burgers!"

But hang on. Hang on just a fucking minute.

MacDonald’s care about one thing only. Their profits. They're not running away because they disapprove of Iceland, or are concerned by its banking crisis, or disagree with the steps Iceland is taking toward recovery.

No, they're giving up on Iceland purely because the difference between what it costs them to put together a disgusting, dripping Big Mac and what they can sell it for in Reykjavik is too small. They won't make any fucking money.

So why the fuck would they carry on? There are hundreds of other countries where they can flog their loathsome heart-stoppers at a handsome margin.

And the Icelandic people probably don't care much either. They've got a weak currency, so they're going to import less crap across the board. They're also supporting local businesses, and beginning to export more. Why? Because they are in control.

Iceland’s economy is recovering a fuck of a lot faster than Ireland's. Why? Because Ireland is stuck with fixed exchange rates because of its membership of - guess what? - the Euro.

And what of the UK? Well, we've certainly got all the MacDonald’s we need, thanks. Whole towns seem to live on little else.

We've got a little bit of a banking crisis on too. And what are we doing? We're doing exactly what the EU super-state tells us to, that's what. We're breaking up our banks: Lloyds and Royal Bank of Scotland are being forced to sell off chunks of their retail branch networks. Forced? Yes, forced as part of a "European Union-mandated plan".

Is that good for us? Who knows? We just have to do what the super-state tells us.

So, what would you prefer? Control over our own economy or a centrally controlled economy with MacDonald's?

And would you like fries with that?


++ Breaking ++ : Labour admit "We're out of ideas"

Labour and Labour activists have kept campaigning, kept promoting the party, in the face of overwhelming odds, and confronted by repeatedly awful polls.

They've tried the traditional channels, they've tried the new channels: Facebook, mySpace, Twitter - dear God, the fucking endless Twittering - but all to no avail.

But you could almost - almost - admire their pig-headed refusal to give up; their increasingly desperate attempts. Until now.

AA Gill, the journalist and restaurant critic, wrote a typically amusing piece for the Sunday Times this weekend, which included a description of how he'd - while in Africa - shot a wild baboon.

Naturally, a huge contingent of weeping bunny huggers have railed against the horror of this act, and yet another fucking vast Twitter witch-hunt has begun. This time the tag is not #janmoir - Twitter 'got' her - but #aagill. Yeah, Gill, you're next.

Although quite what the assorted greenies, veggies and conservation-nuts actually want to happen is not clear. Perhaps for the baboon to roll away the stone and ascend, shining, to the skies? Or perhaps just for AA Gill to ritually eviscerate himself on the fourth plinth. Who knows? Who cares?

In their quiet desperation, Labour activists have noted the popularity of the campaign and, with memories of the #weLoveTheNHS bandwagon still in their minds, leapt into action.

The person who pretends to be John 'never touched a computah' Prescott tweeted:

"#AAGill is a writer. Couldn't he use his IMAGINATION? E.g. I've never punched the twit but I IMAGINE it would feel pretty damn good!"

Then the #1 mindless pro-Labour twitterer activist, @bevanitteellie, joined the fray:

"I wonder what it would be like to shoot a bloodthirsty, savage restaurant critic... #AAGill"

What the fuck? New Labour, the Friends of the Baboon? #weLoveTheBaboon? Vote Labour: tough on monkey shooting, tough on the documenters of monkey shooting?

But then it all became clear where this was headed, where Labour activists wanted to go. This 'tweet' , from 'julianswainson', but enthusiastically repeated by other activists, fucking says it all:

"Remember - killing animals just for fun is what a Tory government under Cameron wants to introduce again. #aagill"

Oh for fuck's sake. Oh dear. Oh dear oh fucking dear.

Let's face it, Labour, if that's the best you can do...

..you're fucked.


Why Blair SHOULD be President

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Tony Blair is a slippery, self-serving, lying bastard, who doesn’t deserve a single second of the acclaim he gets in certain places, or a single fucking penny of the millions he and his slot-gobbed missus seemed to have amassed.

And now we learn, to our appalled fascination, that this git is about to walk, unelected and unopposed, into the role of the President of the EU.  They'll probably put his grinning fucking face on the Euro notes - the Euro notes that we'll all be forced to have in our wallets soon.

How the fuck did this come to pass? And how can we stop it?

The answer to the second question is probably "Tough Shit. We can't".

Just as soon as those Czechs are bullied and bribed into signing the Lisbon Treaty, laughing boy will put on the Crown. Even CallMeDave can't do anything - Brown has already bravely crept in through the back door of the EU building at midnight, and courageously signed the Treaty when no-one was looking.

So that's just fucking nice, isn't it? All stand! Here comes president B-Liar!

But there is one crumb of hope, one faint ray of light, as George 'what a nutter' Monobiot, writing on his blog, points out. There is one good thing that could come out of this.

There's no doubt that, for what he said and did about Iraq when he was Prime Minister, Anthony bloody Blair is a good old-fashioned war criminal. Jack 'knows about the law' Straw clearly said, on record, to Blair:

"..the conditions required to launch a legal war:
i) There must be an armed attack upon a State or such an attack must be imminent;
ii) The use of force must be necessary and other means to reverse/avert the attack must be unavailable;
iii) The acts in self-defence must be proportionate and strictly confined to the object of stopping the attack."

And added ..

"..the development or possession of weapons of mass destruction does not in itself amount to an armed attack; what would be needed would be clear evidence of an imminent attack."

So, yeah, bang to rights, Blair-baby: guilty of the waging an unprovoked war.

Luckily for Tony, in 2006, Law Lords decided that the international crime of aggression is not incorporated into UK domestic law. That means that while he and his ghastly spouse remain in the UK, there's no way of prosecuting Teflon Tony.

But, this crime can be prosecuted in several other countries: Estonia, Latvia, some of the states of the former USSR, possibly (but only possibly) even Germany. Best stay away, Tony, unless you want your collar felt.

Of course, at the moment, Blair is a private citizen. He can go where the fuck he wants - and stay away from where the fuck he wants - and not tell anybody what he's up to.

But, once he becomes El Presidente, that'll stop: he'll have a 'proper' public diary, and we'll all know where he's roaming in his new Kingdom, and when he leaves it on 'official' business.

He'll be suddenly vulnerable. Vulnerable to a maverick judge putting out an arrest warrant. Vulnerable to a citizens' arrest from one of his millions of motivated enemies. We might even see the bastard in the dock one day.

So, yeah, Tony, be President. Please. Get out there. Put yourself about. Go on. Travel the world, grinning and waving.

Just watch your back, eh?


Thieves, thieves, traMPs and thieves...

In the latest crackdown on the collection of thieves and fraudsters that infest the House of Commons, Sir Christopher 'to-be-found-dead-in-a-wood-soon' Kelly will announce that MP's can no longer 'employ' their spouses or children.

This is a bit of a blow to the 200 - fucking 200! - MP's who currently do exactly that.

That's right; 200 MP's, not content with their own salary and expenses, help themselves to a bit more of our money, and pass it to other members of their families.

The most famous, and most egregious of recent times, is Derek 'the Conman' Conway. That arch trougher had to pay back thousands of fucking pounds after an inquiry stated that there was

"..no evidence that his two sons had worked for salaries they were paid from the public purse"

That's a nice way of putting it, isn't it? We'd all be a lot harder on a traditional benefit fraudster, who had, say, 'no evidence' of a bad back, wouldn't we?

That bastard would be - rightly - identified as thief, derided by the press, dragged into court and could well end up banged up. So why not Derek Conman? And why, when he was found to have squirmed through this loophole, was it not closed up. Why now, months later?

And of course, no discussion on expenses, particularly on expenses for spouses, would be complete without a mention of Jacqui Smith, would it? She paid her husband handsomely with our money, and he in turn repaid us by jizzing all over the soft furnishings we'd bought him, like some sort of over-entitled chimpanzee.

So, yes, Sir Christopher, you tell them they can't carry on and ...  What? What's that? Oh for fuck's sake.

The crooks are ahead of us. Before this change is even announced, the fucking thieves have worked out a way around it.

They've told the Telegraph about their cunning plan:

"The wives, husbands and other family members currently employed at the tax-payers' expense plan to apply for jobs with other MPs as a way of dodging the guidelines"

Oh for Christ's sake.  That's not even cunning. That's just fucking blatant. That's taking the piss. Taking the piss on an epic scale. Taking the piss in a fucking enormous ocean-going urine-removal vessel.

How much contempt do these greedy, thieving, troughing bastards hold us in, if they think they can get away with a pathetic fucking trick like that? How stupid do they think we are? Plenty.

And how weak and utterly fucking feeble will Kelly, Legg, Bumptious Bercow and McBroon look if they actually let this happen? Completely.

And how surprised, astonished, amazed, will we be when, in spite of an uproar of protest from the taxpaying public, this particular rule is quietly dropped?

Not very...


Captain Ranty gets it said

Captain Ranty has had enough, and says so:

"We have been taken roughly. We have been violated. We have been ignored. We have been discriminated against. We have been sidelined. We have been abused.

The Labour government has tried, and failed, to be all things to all men. Might as well attempt to wave a wand and create Utopia. It cannot be done. The last 13 years have been vicious. The sheer volume of statutes that HMG has shat out defies comprehension. But when you know that they do not, cannot, read and understand every statute they vote on, it makes my blood boil. We pay these people to represent us in parliament but their focus on ratifying new European law is not just lop-sided, it is, in my opinion, criminal.

And who gets upset by this? Very, very few of us. It's almost as if they are pumping Prozac into us through the water supply. Never, never in our history have we been so complacent, so unaffected, so uncaring while our fair country is raped, repeatedly, by men and women who care not a jot for the very people who gave them power.

Is it really all that surprising that litte people like me, angry beyond measure, previously ignorant (and knowingly so) of matters politic, find themselves so outraged that they enter Lawful Rebellion? I have several choices: I can reach for the cudgel, or I can reach for the quill. The cudgel I don't like (yet) because it means hurting fellow human beings, and that doesn't sit right with me. So I reached for the quill (ok, keyboard) instead, and began to retaliate in a small, but meaningful way.

Am I asking to return to 12th century Britain? Yes, in some ways. Life was simpler then. Everyone knew and understood the law. Can any of us, especially those that make the law, say that today? I know they cannot.

My country is nearly gone from me. If the people have lost their fighting spirit, then we have all lost. If we continue to allow Shariah Law to be practised, we have lost. If we allow the Tories to replace the Labour violators, we have lost. If we allow ourselves to subsumed into Europe, we have lost.

I will go down fighting. I will not roll over to be fucked again and again by career politicians.

The quill is still my weapon of choice, but I am putting a fresh coat of varnish on my cudgel."

Fucking excellent. That's getting it said.

The above is a heavily edited version of the Captain's rant; read the full rant over here. Thanks, Captain.

BBC attacked by shrill lefties? What?

The egregious Peter bloody Hain continues to blow huge amounts of the oxygen of publicity toward Nick Griffin and the BBC.

Having repeatedly tried - and failed - to get us all to see that the BNP wasn't really a political party, and that it would be "illegal" for Griffin to go on the telly, he just can't leave it alone, so he's been moaning to the media about how terrible it all was.

"Even the lively audience could not save the BBC from itself and its awful mistake of allowing the BNP on to the Question Time panel"

Lively? The carefully selected audience were fucking foaming with rage as soon as the opening music died down, and were falling over themselves to attack Griffin. Just like you, Peter, just like you. Why would you object to that?

"The BBC’s argument was that it has a duty of impartiality to any lawful political party"

And your point is? Don't you remember the European elections, Pete?  They took a load of your party's votes, and Griffin, much as you may hate him, is an MEP. Really he is. It's called fucking democracy. NuLabour haven't quite stamped that out, in spite of trying very hard for 12 years.

"If the extremist cleric Abu Hamza formed a party and somehow passed this tiny threshold, would the BBC have put his message of hate and violence on television too?"

Perhaps. Who knows? But it's not really up to you, is it? You must be fucking furious that the BBC is not somehow obliged to ask you for permission for all the programmes they make.

"Nobody, least of all me, is suggesting the BNP be “banned” or “censored”"

Aren't you? Well it fucking looks like it from here, mate.

"There can be no justification for the BBC lining him up on the Question Time panel as if being in the BNP was just like being in another respectable party, as the rest of us lawful and democratic politicians are"

What? What the fuck?  Nick Griffin is a dangerous idiot and the BNP are a loathsome party, but - much as you might dislike it, Pete - he was lawfully, democratically elected.

"They need to be confronted and not appeased as the BBC did so tragically"

Eh? Did you actually watch the fucking show, Peter? At what point was Griffin 'appeased'?  And, while we're on this, at what point was he not confronted?  The man's views are odious, but he wasn't exactly allowed to expand upon any answers, such was the storm of booing and cat-calling. And he wasn't - unlike Jack fucking Straw - allowed to trot out any lengthy pre-prepared soundbites.

But the best quote from the idiot Hain? The piece CF has saved for last? This goes a long way to exposing the thinking that goes on in Peter's tiny, confused mind, and doubtless in the tiny minds of many of his shrill friends on the authoritarian left:

"..the free speech I have fought for all my life can never be absolute."

Yeah, you really think that, don't you?


'That' Nick Griffin Question time transcript

So, Nick Griffin's dreams came true, and he got to appear on the real telly, with some real politicians.

And what a night it was. A glittering gallery of all the key figures, the big beasts, in British politics: MP Chris WhoHe of extremist minority party the "Lib Dems", Jack 'thought he'd retired?' Straw for Labour, Sayeeda WhoShe for Conservatives and Bonnie Greer, a random American writer, filling that vital role of black-person-sat-right-next-to-nasty-Nick-ha-ha.

Through his contacts with the BBC (you just press '1' on the remote), CF is able to bring you a full transcript of what was probably the most tedious controversial Question Time yet.

Dimbleby: "Good evening. I'd like to welcome our panel tonight. Well, all of them bar one, of course"
[audience laughs nervously]
Griffin: "I .."
[audience boos enthusiatically]
Dimblebore: "That's really quite enough from you, Mr Griffin"
[applause. Cries of 'quite right']
Dumbledore: "First, I must just apologise for the screaming and breaking glass you may be able to hear. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully stormed the building and are now peacefully smashing the place up".
Dumbledore: "..and so, to our first question. Gentleman with the cross face.."
Angry Asian: "Nick. Is it that you love Churchill and hate Muslims, innit?"
[wild applause, jeering]
Griffin: "I didn't ..."
Baroness Wassup [interrupting]: "Yes, you do, don't you, you do"
[prolonged applause]
Dumbledore: "Moving on now. I've got photos, Mr Griffin, of you standing near a man from the Klu Klux Klan. Does the very existence of these photo's not prove, beyond doubt, that you'd very much like to strap a black man to the front of your pickup and drive all round the bayou at high speed?"
Griffindor: "Well, I ..."
Bonnie Greer [interrupting]: "Don't you try to tell me about no KKK. I'm a 'merican."
[rapturous applause, cries of 'Right on', 'mmm hmmm']
Dumbledore: "I must just apologise for the smoke the audience may be able to smell. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully ripped open the filing cabinets, piled up all the scripts and books in the building, and set light to them".
Dimblebore: "..and now, for another question"
Lone non-nutter in audience: "Is it not possibly the case that some of our problems with immigration stem from Labour's policies in this area?"
[audience falls silent, confused]
Chris WhoHe: "What? Is it me? Sorry. What was the question?"
Jack Straw: "I'd like to answer that by reading out a long list of Labour's achievements, allowing the audience to refill their glasses and go to the toilet."
Baroness WhoShe: "Well that's not true is it, and ..."
Dimbleby [interrupting]: "I'm sorry, we'll have to move on. Mr Griffin is just sitting there, smiling, and no-one has booed him for nearly five minutes"
[applause, booing]
Dumbledore: "Moving on. Mr Griffin, I've got a puppy in this bag. Very cute. But it's a black puppy. Am I right in thinking that you, and members of your odious party, would like to kick it to death and then eat it?"
Griffin: "Well, that would be illegal and.."
Straw [interrupting]:: "As a member of the Government, and a Justice Minister, can I just say that I would be more than happy to change the law, right now, if I felt that it would make you look bad, Mr Griffin, or indeed make me look better."
[applause, shouts of 'go on Jack']
Dimmock: "..and so to another question. You sir, what would you like to ask the panel?"
Teenager: "Hey, Mr Griffin: instead of calling you Nick, I call you Dick"
[thunderous applause, teenager high-fived by all in the next row]
Dumbledore: "I must just apologise for the triumphant howling you may be able to hear. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully killed a BBC security guard, and are parading his head on a pole around the car park".
Dimbley:"..but now, time for one more question, and perhaps on a slightly different topic. You, sir.."
Angry black man: "Griffin, Why don't you fuck off to the Antarctic? it's all white there"
[hysterical laughter, applause, cries of 'yeah!']
Dimbleby: "Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight. Some pretty impressive, incisive debate this evening, I think you'll agree. And to the audience, I would ask you to leave by the western exit, as the UAF have peacefully brought down a police helicopter in the eastern carpark, and are currently hacking the occupants to death with machetes. Goodnight!"
[applause, music, lights fade]

This exclusive poll taken immediately after the programme, shows the seismic affect on the political landscape:
  • BNP: 0% change
  • Labour: 0% change
  • Conservative: 0% change
  • Lib Dem.: 0% change
  • Questions on other matters: 0%
  • Police: 100 grand in overtime
  • The public: nagging sense of an evening wasted


Gordo and Griffin: what's the difference?

Go on then: what is the difference between Nick Griffin and Gordon Brown? Well, according to Justin :

..one is a fat, wonkey-eyed loser with repugnant attitudes towards immigration, and the other is the leader of the British National Party.

..one has his thugs break down foreigners’ doors at dawn, and the other is the leader of the British National Party.

..one has his thugs intern foreigners and their children, and the other is the leader of the British National Party

..one has his thugs regularly and frequently beat foreigners, and the other is the leader of the British National Party.
..one has his thugs traumatise foreigners’ children, and the other is the leader of the British National Party.

..one is loading darkies on to planes and sending them back to some of the world’s worst hellholes, and the other is the leader of the British National Party.

He goes on:

"Half the country seems up in arms that Nick Griffin is being allowed near a television studio but when a man, who has done things to foreigners that would give Griffin wet dreams from here to eternity goes, goes on GMTV barely anybody squeaks. Hell, a huge chunk of them voted for him.

And yet Griffin’s never going to wreck the number of lives Brown has – not if he lives to be a thousand."

Bang on. Griffin’s a nasty, unimportant shit bag, with no influence whatsover. There's a much bigger, nastier shit bag out there: the difference is, he’s our fucking Prime Minister..

Hat-tip to Justin over at Chicken Yoghurt. Genius. Pure Genius.

Pay it back? Good Lord, no

The smiling chap on the right, his jolly face raised briefly from the trough, is Lord Paul of Marylebone.

A Labour peer, a friend of our beloved PM, and one of the Labour Party's largest financial backers.

He's a multi-millionaire, and so wealthy that, although he sits in the House of Lords, he's not actually domiciled in this country "for tax reasons".

Not so wealthy, however, that he's above gouging the taxpayer (who don't get any of his money) for a few quid on expenses.

In the recent round-ups, we learned that My Lord claimed around 38,000 pounds in expenses. That must have topped the coffers up nicely, eh?

But why, given that he acknowledges to everyone bar the taxman that he's lived in London for 40 years, was it so expensive to get this chap to work?

Ah well, that's because Lord Paul solemnly informed the expenses wallahs that a tiny flat in Oxfordshire - actually occupied by an employee of his - was his "main home".

When this came to light recently, did the good Lord apologise? Did he dip into his virtually bottomless pockets, fish out some small change and pay the 38 large back? Did he fuck.

He stuck to his greedy guns. He admitted that he'd never spent a single night in the flat, but argued that it was “available” for his use: he could have moved his employee out had he "wished to stay there" – but chose not to. What?

In the face of such pathetic denial - a three year old could've explained better where the chocolate buttons had gone - did the House of Lords give him a bollocking, then tip him upside down and extract the cash? Nah. Fuck that.

He's a Lord. And a mate of Gordo's. And a very generous man, come election time.

Sorry to have bothered you, my Lord. You can go now. And off he went, on his merry fucking way, pockets still bulging with our money.

Of course, Lord Pig of Making-It-Up is not alone.

Lord Rennard, Chief Executive of the Lib Dems, worked full time in London and lived in Stockwell in ... er ... London. So naturally, he claimed over 40,000 pounds for a flat in .. Eastbourne. He's been cleared now, of course. Off you go, m'lud.

And then there's our old favourite, the Queen of the fucking troughers, lets hear it for ... Baroness Uddin of Bethnal Green.

Remember her? Baroness Udders has lived, with her family, in a low rental Housing Association building for years. However, she also has a small flat in Kent. In spite of never having stayed there, and never even bothered to fucking furnish the place, she claimed that was her main residence. Netting herself a cool 100,000 of taxpayers money.

What do the House of Lords think of that? Nothing. Nothing at all. They're not even investigating her, even though the police are.

So why, why-oh-fucking-why, do all these troughing Lords and greedy Ladies keep getting away with it?

This shit happens, and will keep happening, because, according to the authorities, enforcing the rules is difficult because - you'll love this - there is no official definition of “main home”.

With MP's, the 'main home' rules are clear: it's the property at which they spend most nights. Or more accurately, as the home in which they claim to spend most nights, even if the police provide evidence that proves they're fucking lying, eh Jacqui?

At least MP's have to provide genuine evidence, before being let off scot-free.

For my Good Lords, no such vulgarity. They just have to say where they consider their main home to be. If Lord Troughalot says that he actually lives in a Barratt Home in Harlow, even if he states this while relaxing on a plush sofa in an enormous house in Mayfair, then everything's just fine. Thank you my Lord.

The only troughin' Lord who seems - and who can really tell? - to come out of this with any shred of dignity is Lord Clarke of Hampstead. He also claimed tens of thousands of pounds in “overnight subsistence” despite admitting returning to his home within the London commuter belt, or staying rent-free with a friend. But, unlike the rest of the piggies, he does seem a little sorry about it:

"It’s not within the rules. I’m responsible for my own actions .. If I’ve got to go to the wall and my life is finished in terms of political or public life .. then so be it.”

Bloody hell, an honest and seemingly repentant trougher.

We should have the fucker stuffed, and put on a plinth in the lobby, as a shining example to them all.


Brown's Blatant Bribery

Six months on, the expenses scandal refuses to lie down and die. And why should it? Those bloody MP's troughed for years and years. Finally they've been caught out, and their greed exposed for all to see. There's been deception, dishonesty and outright fucking fraud.

The thieving bastards have taken millions of pounds - of our money - and bought themselves houses, flats, televisions and all sorts of vulgar trinkets. They've even given some of our money to their spouses, to their children, to their sisters and in some cases, to their furiously masturbating husbands.

Right now, we couldn't think worse of MP's if they'd personally come round to our houses, stolen our tellies, kicked our dogs and shat in our teapots.

A few - far too few - have agreed to "step down", but as we all know, that just means carrying on with exactly the same pay 'n' perks until sometime in 2010. Not much of a fucking punishment, is it?

And now they've all been told to pay a small part of their ill-gotten gains back and, oh dear, they don't like that. They don't like that one tiny little bit.

Several have refused point blank to repay the money. Some are very angry at even being asked: Gordon Brown was actually - heaven forefend - heckled by his own MP's when they discussed this. Apparently Gordo is "desperate" to avoid further criticism from his own MP's.

It'd be nice if he was 'desperate' to end the recession, or reduce his governments' massive borrowings, or to end the war in Afghanistan, but no, he's desperate to avoid criticism.

So, what's the 'sol-you-shun', Gordon? What to do to mend the tarnished image of Parliament?

Here's Gordon's idea: Why not give the MP's a pay rise?

No, that's not some Armando Iannucci satire. Really. That is genuinely what the One-eyed son of the Manse thinks is the best thing to do right now.

He wants to give all backbench MP's - the ones who whinge the most, the ones over whom he has the least control - a lovely big pay rise. The figure being floated is 3,000 pounds per year, no less. Thats an increase of nearly 5%.

a 5% pay increase? That certainly pisses all over the recent average private sector pay increase, a paltry 1.5%. It's even, unbelievably, bigger than the outrageous average pay increase in the vast, bloated public sector, which was 3.4%

And who actually pays these rapidly-increasing salaries? Not Gordon, is it? No, it's us. The poor, beleagured, fucked-over taxpayer. These thieving fuckwits are supposed to be our servants, so we pay them for their woefully inadequate services.

And now, because they've been caught stealing from their masters' cashbox, because they've been fiddling the books, because they're getting sulky and stroppy at being caught out, and because some of them are saying nasty things about the head of the servants' quarters, we've got to give them an absolutely fucking massive salary increase? A bribe, to shut them up? For fucks' sake.

You.  Could.  Not.  Make.  This.  Shit.  Up.

++UPDATE++: great minds think alike: LFAT has written to Gordon on this very subject today.

Gordon doesn't know. Anything.

What a fucking nightmare Gordon Brown must be for his ‘handlers’. The job of making him look decisive, confident - fuck, even sane - must be damn near impossible.

When our much beloved Prime Minister was persuaded to take part in an online chat, he was asked twelve times what his favourite biscuit was, but would not answer. Why not? Fuck knows. Eventually his handlers, realizing he’d made a twat of himself again, posted “anything with a bit of chocolate on it”, on ‘his’ Twitter account.

But this is not the first time this man, a man who is supposed to be leading the nation, and representing us on the world stage, has made an utter arse of himself with his terrified, frozen, open-mouthed indecision.

Iain ‘Mrs’ Dale, has been reminiscing, and has put together a little list of Gordon’s other dithers, cock-ups and lies:

The Lockerbie bomber
After the bomber was released from jail, the Prime Minister refused to give his opinion on whether it was the right thing to do. Instead, he said that it was "a matter for the Scottish Executive" and that he couldn’t give an opinion as part of the British Government. But Bill Rammell, who was then a Foreign Office minister, told the Libyan government that ‘neither the Prime Minister nor the Foreign Secretary would want Mr Megrahi to pass away in prison”

The non-election
Brown appointed a general election coordinator three days before he became Prime Minister in 2007. He started writing a manifesto within two weeks. He hired an advertising agency and then he got his closest adviser to tell the newspapers that he was on an ‘election footing’ On 6 October he announced that there would not be a general election in 2007.

Televised leaders’ debate
Asked by David Cameron last year to commit to a televised debate between the main party leaders, Brown refused to do so out of hand. Earlier this year, Mandelson said that Brown would be 'happy' to have a televised debate with Cameron. However, the Prime Minister’s aides rejected such a notion, saying: ‘Our position has not changed. Voters have the chance to compare the party leaders each week at prime minister's questions’. Brown was going to announce support of televised leaders’ debates in his conference speech before deciding against doing so.  One aide added: ‘..the decision was finally taken by Gordon to drop the commitment to debate.. At 1:30 in the morning on the day of his speech".
Brown finally decided to announce his support of leaders’ debates 18 months after David Cameron challenged him about it at PMQs. The Prime Minister finally committed to televised debates on 3 October saying: ‘It is right that we set the issues before the British people.…I relish the opportunity of making our case directly to the people of this country.'

For fucks' sake. But theres more ...

Meeting the Dalai Lama
After months of dithering over whether to meet the Dalai Lama when he came to Britain, Gordon Brown finally decided that he would meet him. The Prime Minister arranged to meet him at the Archbishop of Canterbury’s residence, rather than his own. It was reported that the decision was taken because Gordon Brown was afraid to upset the Chinese government. But the Prime Minister’s spokesman claimed the decision reflected the fact that the Dalai Lama is a ‘respected spiritual leader’.

Welcoming the Olympic Torch
The original route for the Olympic Torch did not include Downing Street. But on 3 April, it was announced that Brown would welcome the torch in Downing Street the following Sunday. While the Prime Minister did welcome the torch into Downing Street on 6 April, in order to look like he understood the position of anti-China protestors he refused to touch or hold the torch. However, he was happy to be pictured with it.

Signing of the Lisbon Treaty
In late 2007, Gordon Brown couldn’t decide whether to personally sign the Lisbon Treaty or not. After days of dithering, he finally opted to put his signature on the document, but not to attend the official signing ceremony on 13 December 2007. However, a question still remained over whether he would sign the renamed EU Constitution in public: ‘At first Downing Street suggested that he would miss the entire event. Then, when his attendance was confirmed at the start of the week, it was suggested he would sign the treaty in private. It was only on Tuesday that his officials finally announced he would sign in public.

Jesus H. Christ, the man's an idiot. But wait, we're not done...

Beijing Olympics’ opening ceremony
In March 2008, after Nicolas Sarkozy announced he might boycott the Beijing Olympics’ opening ceremony, Gordon Brown said he would attend the opening and closing ceremonies: “We will not be boycotting the Olympic Games; Britain will be attending the Olympic Games ceremonies”. Days later, he confirmed this saying that Britain would “be present at the Olympic ceremonies and I will certainly be there”. On 9 April, after two weeks of dithering, Downing Street announced that Brown would not actually attend the opening ceremony, contrary to his earlier position.

Brown’s favourite food
Brown offered 8 different types of cuisine when asked what his favourite meal was by a school child. Brown responded to the question by saying: ‘Traditional things like steak and….all that and I love er…spaghetti bolognese, carbonara and all these things…so I like all these er er things…er…er, I like Chinese food, Indian food, I like English food, British food…I like…er…er…French food…I like, I like almost everything.’ When pressed further by his interviewer to give a firm answer, Brown finally replied: ‘I think it would be steak.’

Brown’s favourite band
Brown attempted to portray a softer side of himself by professing that he enjoyed listening to the Arctic Monkeys. He said that ‘the Arctic Monkeys really wake you up in the morning’. Months later, it emerged that Brown couldn’t actually name any songs by the Arctic Monkeys. When asked by men’s magazine GQ to give the names of any of the songs on the band’s debut album, Brown couldn’t offer a single one. He instead said ‘they are very loud’ and went on to praise Coldplay.

Dear God. Who’d be that idiot's keeper?


Brown: Green?

Gordon Brown today hauled himself to his feet, picked up his giant marker-penned notes and addressed the thrillingly named 'Major Economies Forum'. And, yes, we're back on that ol' Green bandwagon.

As usual with this PR-hungry, news-manipulating, glory-seeking fucking government, we didn't have to wait for the speech to get reports on what McBroon actually said. No, we got the full pre-spin, the Labour party's announcement of how great the speech was going to be. Naturally, the BBC had been fed endless quotes from the not-yet-made-speech and was broaqdcasting them at 6 a.m., before Brown had even clapped eye on it.

And magnificent, stirring stuff it was. Putting his hand to his forehead, throwing his head back and gazing keenly into the distance, Brown announced in sonorous tones that "We only have fifty days to save the world". Dunt-dunt-dahhh!!!

And of course, Gordon would know: he's always having to save the world. Full-time job, virtually. Save the world from this, save the world from that, and all the while grinning like a lunatic. No wonder his wife takes over the Labour party conference to remind us what an utter hero he is.

But hang on a minute. Why the fuck is Brown doing all this? Don't we already pay a Minister - and a whole fucking department - to worry about the climate? Isn't that little Ed Milliband's job? Wasn't he the author of this patronising and badly received bollocks, urging us all to join in with the pathetic Eds Pledge?

What the flying fuck does Gordon Brown know about climate change? Other than, of course, that its been a fantastic way for him to raise taxes on motorists for the last few years. Filling the coffers by tripling the cost of tax discs, then claiming it's all for the polar bears.

So, Broon, isn't this just yet another cynical attempt at jumping onto a bandwagon?

Your government's on its last legs, no-one wants you to be Prime Minister a minute longer, millions are out of work, soldiers are dying in Afghanistan because you won't give them any equipment and what have you decided to do?

You've decided to muscle in on wee Ed Milliband's job, do a bit of showboating on the world stage, get your gurning grey visage on the telly and in the papers. Well, it won't fucking work.

You won't save your sorry arse pretending to be Green, Brown.


Overpaid and over here

Apparently, that Ryan Giggs, he had a good game yesterday. For those of you who don't follow the football, Ryan Giggs is one of those sporting heroes who makes a living kicking a leathersphere between some wooden posts, in spite of the best efforts of some other people to stop him. Apparently, a group of men who don't actually come from Manchester managed to do this twice, while a group of men who don't actually come from Bolton only managed once. Good times.

For entertaining us all so fabulously, Mr. Giggs is paid, well, fabulously. Over 75,000 pounds. Per week. Every fucking week. But, as he tells the Manchester Evening News,  he thinks he's worth it:

"There is plenty of money in the game but the majority of the players deserve it. Perhaps 20 years ago they would not have got paid the money that they're getting now, but that is the way that football is. Good luck to them - the money is in the game, why not earn it while they have got the chance?"

The money is "in the game", is it? Presumably because its not 'in the pockets' of the poor deluded fools who choose to pay sixty quid a week to watch all this leather sphere kicking, spitting and diving. And another fifty so as to wear the same shirt - albeit a lot bigger - as Ryan.

But nobody could really begrudge 'Giggsy' his wealth, innit? The boy's done good. Lucky old Giggsy!

++UPDATE++ : commenters point out that Giggsy is the only wholesome man in soccer, and that Ashley Cole is far more loathsome and undeserving. Please substitute him above.

Nearly as good are those struggling politicians from the valleys, Neil and Glenys Kinnock. Remember them? Good honest, normal folk, the kind you'd have living next door.

Well, they've moved on a bit since then, see? The Kinnocks, Old Holborn discovered as he perused the Danish newspapers (huh?), have done rather well, look you, from their association with the European Gravy train. So far they've pocketed over 8 million quid in "pay and allowances" from their various marvelous efforts to better the world, whatever those were. Lucky old Kinnocks!

And then there's Jenson Button, who is reckoned to earn about 4 million quid this year for driving a car. A fast car, mind you, and quite tricky on a wet day.

But Jenson is paid for driving it. Not designing it, or building it, or tuning it: just fucking sitting in it, as it goes round and round in circles for a couple of hours, remembering to keep the wheels on the grey bit and away from the green bits, and to stop for petrol when the radio tells him to.

Because Jenson managed to do this today, and drove past a man with a flag before most of the other carbon-fibre bathtub jockeys, he's officially the world's best driver, and earn even more next year. Lucky Jensen!

So, remind CF, who is it we're jealous of - and simultaneously, quite angry with - for having far more money than they seem to deserve?

Oh, that's right,  The Sunday Times' Leader reminds us, and the Telegraph joins in: The Bankers. Those Bastards.


Nurse: smokers "just have to die"

CF is not a smoker himself - couldn't quite get the hang of it at age 14 - but is quite happy for others to kipper their lungs to their hearts contents. You want to set fire to some leaves and breathe in the smoke? That's up to you.

The only 'anti-social' part of smoking is the fact that the new laws force the poor sods to go outside and stand in the rain, just when you were talking to them.

Let smokers smoke? Not so, according to the 'lady' here, Ms. Jane DeVille-Almond. She is apparently a Senior Nurse.

Nursing: that's a vocation dedicated to caring for and healing everybody, regardless of their circumstances, isn't it? Er.. no.

The recording below is of this Angel of Healthcare, outlining her views on smokers, on a radio phone-in.

Just in case you can't play it back, the transcript goes:

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: "I mean, I'll just tell you a very short story. Recently, I had one guy who'd had one heart operation and he continued to smoke and he went in and had a second operation which I actually think should not have been allowed. Because he hadn't made a commitment to his own health, and was just relying on surgeons and people .."

Nicey The DJ: "Should he have paid for it?"

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: "He should've paid for it and ..."

Nicey The DJ: "But that would have cost thousands and thousands of pounds. How can you expect an ordinary person to pay that sort of money?"

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: "Well then you ... then I'm afraid .. if he can't commit .. if you're gonna have an operation .. you know .. it's a bit like if people ... you know ..."

Nicey The DJ: "Then what? If he can't afford it, what?"

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel: "Well then, they just have to die."


Well, well. Isn't amazing how the Interwebs lets us unearth these evil bitches? Jan Moir yesterday, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel - sorry, Jane DeVille-Almond - today.

What the flying fuck has it got to so with you, Nursey? Who promoted you from bedpans to moral arbiter? Are you minding the shop for God, or something?

For fucks' sake: how the hell did you get to be a fucking nurse? Are you actually making decisions like this on the ward? If CF fell down the stairs pissed, would you leave his arm broken as a valuable lesson? You probably fucking would.

Smokers, if you find yourself in hospital, and you wake up to find that face leering over you, be afraid. Be very afraid.

With 'carers' like this witch, who needs euthenasia?

Hat-tip Captain Ranty-Freeman On The Land, who's just as furious.

Impossible to blog

Only 7 weeks old, but the little bastard has consumed every minute of the day. How do they get so much piss into one small dog?


Twitter - 1 : Evil hate-filled bitch Jan Moir - 0

What a week the Twittersphere is having! After the triumphant pounding delivered to Carter-Ruck, causing them to withdraw their injunctions and limp back to Holborn whimpering, Friday has seen another display of raw Twitter-power, this time against the Daily Mail, rather than for the Gruaniad.

In her latest spewings, the ghastly Jan Moir of that Daily Mail  - and what the fuck goes on in that vile bitches head? - has concluded that pop star Stephen Gately died, and probably deserved to die, because he was one of those revolting gayers.

In an article filled with innuendo, dripping with poison, she tries to draw us all to her ridiculous conclusions that he died because he was, you know, not normal.

No need to repeat it all here, as its been comprehensively fisked by Anton Vowl over at The enemies of reason, but those who are too lazy to go there (no, you should) here are the highlights:

"Whatever the cause of death is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one."

"..those idols live a life that is shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice"

"..household names out there with secret and not-so-secret troubles .. damaging habits both past and present"

"33-year-old men do not just climb into their pyjamas and go to sleep on the sofa, never to wake up again. "

"After a night of clubbing, Cowles and Gately took a young Bulgarian man back to their apartment. It is not disrespectful (like fuck it isn't) to assume that a game of canasta with 25-year-old Georgi Dochev was not what was on the cards."

On and on it goes, prejudice, hate and resentment oozing from her fingertips. Why don't you try something similar about them Muslims, Jan? We'll collect your body parts after the weekend.

But of course, as well as going in the tawdry rag in W H Smiths, this crap went online. And shit, the Twittersphere's not havin' any of that.

People got busy, twitters were sent, the issue rocketed up in profile. An ironic -although not overly subtle - hashtag, #thedailymailisgay, sprung up.

Tweets were directed to the advertisers on the web page, urging them to look at what they were squatting next to. BT, Marks and Spencers' and Visit England were all contacted, and one-by-one decided that, no, this was perhaps not part of their corporate image. Ads began to disappear.

Eventually, the monkeys running the Daily Mail's website realised what was going on, and pulled all of the adverts. Moir's piece now floats - if it hasn't been pulled completely by now - in an ocean of non-revenue generating whitespace.

Twitter may be trivial, tedious and pointless most of the time, but when it comes to dealing with sad,  hate-filled fascists like Jan Moir:

Twitter For The Win!!

++ UPDATE ++  Fuckin' 'ell : CF finds himself, for once, in agreement with Alastair fucking Campbell, who fisks the article, and the following semi-apology, rather well.


Troughing MP's? Carry on.

Jubiliation today as it is trumpeted that yet another troughing MP has got his just desserts. Yes,  David Wilshire, who managed to suck 100,000 of our cash into a company he owns has announced he will be stepping down. CallMeDave Cameron puts on his one of his 'quite cross' faces and says yes, he's "Done the Right Thing."

Huzzah! That'll teach the bastard. Let's see how he survives without ... what ? ... hang on ...oh...

So, yes, Wilshire has announced that he will be 'stepping down'. In the whole new universe of weasel words, invented for the expenses scandal, this actually means .. fuck all. The bastard's life hasn't changed at all.

He's still an MP. He's still being paid his salary. He'll still be entitled, god help us, to claim expenses. And, unless there's a massive break with recent tradition, that 100,000 will probably remain stashed wherever it is, in Switzerland, or the Cayman Islands. Pay it back? Not for me, thanks.

All Wilshire has said is that he's won't be brave enough, come the General Election, to see if his constituents would forgive his massive crime, and re-elect him. Big fucking deal. Of course they wouldn't. So now he's got six months to look for another fucking job, whilst being paid by us to not do his current one.

And he's not the only one. Look, there's:

Shahid fucking Malik, the Muslim who claimed that the "expenses Green Book is my bible" , who left the cabinet after we discovered we'd bought him a flat screen TC and a big comfy chair to watch it from, but is still a fucking MP.

Hazel bloody Blears, who defrauded the tax man as well as the taxpayer, might have left the cabinet, but is still very much alive and troughing. She didn't get deselected, so she's still on our payroll.

Elliot bastard Morley, who as well as looking like a pig, troughed like a one, claiming payments for a non-existant mortgage. Yup. Still an MP. Not for much longer, but still taking our money right now.

Barbara fucking Follet, who - in spite of her husband boasting how much money he gave her - still spent thousands of our money on making her vast house more secure. If her husband's so fuicking rich, why didn't she call it a day back in May, eh?

And then there's the Queen of all our Hearts, Jacqui 'Jackboots' Smith. She hasn't even gone as far as that. She's defrauded the taxpayer for another 100,000, and she's not paying any of it back, and she's not even announced any 'plans to step down', let alone resign, for fucks sake. In fact, its pretty fucking likely that the next time we see her stupid gurning face, she'll be wrapped in ermine, and be a proper lady. No chance of seeing the back of her.

For fucks' sake. What does an MP have to do to lose their job? How big a fraud do they have to commit to get the police involved? How preposterous does their claim have to be before they are made to pay it back?

How the fuck are we supposed to get rid of these dishonest MP's?

As CF's granny used to say, it's like trying to get shit off a blanket.


13,000 more seats on the Gravy Train

Labour spinners gleefully leapt on the latest unemployment figures - yet another triumph! Jim Knight proudly announced that

"These figures show a significant slowing in the rate of increase of unemployment"

A fucking what in the what of what? What's that supposed to mean, Jim?

Unemployment went up by 88,000 during the three months to August to 2.47 million. And, yes, that's not as much as it went up by in the three months before that, but it's not exactly fucking boast-worthy is it? its still going to top 3 million according to, well, everybody except Jimmy.

However, some other data released at the same time seems to have been missed.  Lost amidst the fog of Trafigura and Jacqui fucking Smith's troughing, no doubt.

Luckily, CF's eagle eyes spotted the other, shall we say, interesting figures.

Where, pray, have the job losses been? Well, the private sector shed 230,000 jobs between March and June. And how many jobs were lost in the public sector during that period, would you think? Nearly a quarter of a million 'normal' jobs lost, how many from the taxpayers' payroll? How many?

The answer isn't 'None'. Oh no. That would be ridiculous.

In fact, it's worse, far worse than none. In that same period, the number of public sector workers rose by 13,000.

Dear God. Unbe-fucking-lievable. And, and , it doesn't stop there. From the same set of figures:

"public sector workers received a pay rise of 3.4 per cent in the three months to August compared a pay rise of just 1.5 per cent for employees in the private sector"

For fucks sake. If this was a satire, it would be derided as excessive. But no, tragically, this is fucking real.

This bastard, fuckwitted government is still, in the face of huge recession, and a mounting debt that our great-great-grandchildren will struggle with, creating more jobs in the public sector. More seats on the gravy train.

And, not only that, they're giving those in that sector, with their jobs-for-life and their gold-plated fucking pensions, above-inflation pay rises too.

Gordon 'desperate' Brown would doubtless have us all believe that the 3.4% increases went to "nurses 'n' teachers","teachers 'n' nurses",  but you know what? They fucking didn't.

No, they went to the endless pen-pushers and prod-noses who sit on the hundreds of fucking Quango's that blight this country, sucking the liberty and the cash from us all.

They went to all the Outreach Co-ordinators, Diversity Managers, Community Space Challenger Co-ordinators and Enviro-Crime Enforcement Officers that sit around all day thinking of more ways to ruin our day.

Gordon Brown incessantly accuses the Tories of being the party that would make "slashing" cuts. If and when CallMeDave takes the reins, Gordon warns us he'll make "deep, savage" cuts in the public sector.

You know what? The sooner the fucking better.

Bring it on.

++UPDATE++ : Anonymous, in the comments, below, asks:

"CF, Can you please supply the link(s). I don't doubt you but I would like to spray the links over every fucking blog I can find."

Why, it would be a pleasure: have a look at City AM or the Telegraph.  or any of the 389 other stories on Google news. Or, better, just link here, to this post, on this blog. Why wouldn't you?


A good day to bury bad Speakers

With MP's left, right and centre either weeping into their cheque books or stamping their expensively shod feet over the 'pay it back' instructions from Thomas Legg, and the entire world learning about a hitherto unknown oil company that dumped its toxic shit all over some poor Africans, the media and the blogosphere had a busy day yesterday.

One man will have been extremely grateful for the diversion.

Nobody was looking when Michael 'Gorbals Mick' Martin, completed his epic journey from sheet metai worker to member of the aristocracy yestrday, when he entered the House of Lords. Gorbals Mick no more - we're looking at Lord Martin of Springburn.

The man who presided over the expenses scandal that has destroyed the little remaining respect the nation had for its MP's. And who, rather than mending the system, tried to conceal it from the world, spending our money - over 20 grand of it - on endless legal battles to continue the cover-up.

A man who was not averse to sticking his fat Glaswegian snout into the trough himself, claiming 4 grand for taxi's for his wife, for fucks sake.

The man who, when information about the woeful and corrupt state of his expenses system was leaked, first responded not by apologising, but by calling in the police to find out who had leaked.

A man who, as Speaker, was supposed to keep affairs in the House under control and civilized, but in his final days stood there, puce in his fat bastard face, shouting abuse at MP's.

The man who was so utterly, pathetically fucking incompetent that he became the first speaker in over 300 years to be chucked out of the job.

Why is this egregious trough pig not languishing at some job centre in Glasgow, hoping that the metal works will have him back? Why does he get to walk away from his mess? Why has the fucker, instead of being sacked, been promoted?

Ironic - no, not ironic, massively fucking hypocritical - that a man who expressed such disdain for pomp and tradition should now be dressing up like an 17th century landowner, and enjoying being addressed as 'My Lord'.

And because of that, Gorbals Mick's lardy, Lordy arse is now sitting very comfortably indeed. His Speaker's pension will be paid to him already and if the fat stroke dodger lives to 65, his MP's pension will kick in and he'll be on a juicy £80,000 a year. 80 fucking grand. All from the pension pot we filled up for him and his like.

And, as a peer, he'll claim £174 for each night he spends in London. Nice.

Labour have talked for many, many years of reforming the Upper House; changing the way in which Lords 'n' Ladies are created; making the role more accessible. Looks like they've suceeded: if someone as incompetent, venal, dishonest and fundamentally fucking thick as Michael Martin can become a Lord, then surely anyone can.


Guardian Gagged - Bloggers Bothered - #Trafigura trashed

The Guardian announced excitedly last night that it had been gagged -

"prevented from reporting parliamentary proceedings".

Their mock-indignation was admirable, but secretly they're probably fucking delighted.

Nothing sells papers like controversy, and all multi-million pound media organisations love to pretend to be rebel loners, exposing the 'truth' at great personal risk.

But really, they were just - bizarrely - being prevented from reporting on a question due to be tabled in Parliament. A question among the many questions listed and freely available to anyone in Hansard, for fuck's sake.

Old Holborn spotted the story last night, and the usual bunch of conspiracy theorists solemnly informed us that this was just the first step of the Lizard's masterplan to take over then eat our brains. Several commenters also had rather more sensible guesses as to what the question might be. There are plenty of candidates.

Like the fat boy struggling to keep up with the football, Guido soon joined in, posting his guess (not in the inner circle on this one, eh?) as to what the question might be, and adding

"Guido’s publishers will only accept service as per the requirements of the Hague Convention"

Pur-lease. Sorry, Guido, the bandwagon left ten minutes ago.

The blogosphere - and her excitable little sister, the Twittersphere - leapt into action as this morning wore on, and it's now commonly agreed that the question in question, as it were, was the one due to be tabled by MP Paul Farelly

"To ask the Secretary of State for Justice, what assessment he has made of the effectiveness of legislation to protect (a) whistleblowers and (b) press freedom following the injunctions obtained in the High Court by (i) Barclays and Freshfields solicitors on 19 March 2009 on the publication of internal Barclays reports documenting alleged tax avoidance schemes and (ii) Trafigura and Carter-Ruck solicitors on 11 September 2009 on the publication of the Minton report on the alleged dumping of toxic waste in the Ivory Coast, commissioned by Trafigura"

Looks a bit dull, really, but actually, its fucking dynamite.

The Minton report - available on Wikileaks, naturally - describes how UK Oil Company Trafigura dumped a load of filthy toxic crap - crap so utterly filthy, it's banned in Europe - all over the unfortunate population of Abidjan, in West Africa, a few years ago.

This filthy toxic crap unsurprisingly made a lot of people very ill - nausea, breathing difficulties, vomiting, diarrhoea  - and some people extremely fucking ill - miscarriages and birth defects, even deaths. The Guardian has written about this before.

Obviously, Trafigura aren't exactly bursting with pride about all of this, and have retained Legal Rottweilers to hammer down the report and the underlying story wherever it appears. Dutch Newspapers, Norwegian TV stations and numerous others have been silenced by the legal heavies.

But, in the sort exercise more usually associated with Gordon 'ooops' Brown, they have now taken careful aim, closed their eyes, and machine-gunned both feet to smithereens.

By trying to stifle the reporting of a question about their heavy handed suppression, they've awoken the Blogosphere. Big mistake. Fucking huge.

Trafigura are now getting the kind of global publicity that even Coca-Cola couldn't afford. And the sad, tired Grauniad will have sold more copies that it has for years.

Good job, Carter-Ruck!!

++ UPDATE ++:  The Spectator have bravely broken ranks, going with the full story-so-far. Unlike the BBC, who are currently majoring on a picture of CallMeDave making a funny face.

++ UPDATE II ++ : as Stu / @sshrpe points out in the comments, "timeline is slightly wrong .. first person on this was Richard Wilson, who also identified the Hansard question that this is probably about, half an hour before Old Holborn OR Guido". Credit where credit's due.

++ UPDATE III ++ : yup, they caved. Having provided their 'clients' with the worst negative publicity ever, Carter-Ruck have decided that perhaps its not possible to gag the proceedings of the Mother of all Parliaments after all.  We all look forward to seeing their invoice at the end of this month...