Where to begin?

Apparently, Norge-nutter Anders Breivik didn't just believe in all sorts of c-c-c-crazy shit about 'Monoculture' and driving the darkies into the sea. Oh no.

According to the Evening Standard, in his bizarre rants he also ..

"..praised Top Gear Presenter and Sunday Times Columnist Jeremy Clarkson."

Oh, Jez, how must you feel? Oh, the confusion; the mixed emotions. Where to begin?



WE bought the winning ticket

While CF doesn't begrudge anyone a bit of good old fashioned luck, there was a surge of rage when he read the story of the couple from Largs in Ayrshire, named as the winners of the £161m Euromillions jackpot. Lucky, lucky guys, eh?

So, what were they doing before this unimaginable wealth?

The Weirs have both had serious health conditions in recent years and have not been able to work. Colin, 64, had previously worked as a television cameraman and Chris, 55, is a fully-trained psychiatric nurse

Not "been able" to work? OK, so the state stepped in and supported you, then? Rather too well, it would seem, judging by the amount of food you'd both seem to have consumed in recent years.

And tell us how it was when you won, would you?

"I started circling the numbers I had matched but wasn't doing very well. Then on the fifth line, all the circles seemed to join up."

What? Wait. The fifth line? The fucking fifth? Each entry into the Euro lottery costs 2 quid, right? So you lucky, lucky people spent at least ten quid on the lottery. While you were both on benefits.

Did you do that every week? Did you start doing it twice a week when the Euro millions started on Tuesdays too? Bet you fucking did.

Exactly how much of your benefits, which came out of our taxes, did you spend on the fucking lottery, eh? And did you ever feel guilty while you were doing so?

And what will you do now? Will you start to 'give back', in grateful recognition of what the state did for you?

"We have both always wanted to see the Great Wall of China and Colin would love to stand at the foot of Ayres Rock in Australia," said Chris.

Yeah? Well so would a fuck of a lot of people, only they can't, because they have to pay a fuck of a lot of tax, apparently so that the state can give it to fat people, to spend on lottery tickets.

For fucks sake.


Is it 2008 again?

Gordon Brown turns up, after having been completely fucking absent for weeks, at the climax of some enormous crisis.

Even though he's been intimately involved, for a long time, he denies all knowledge, and blames absolutely everyone other than himself.

He lists a number of claimed achievements, half of which are made up, the other half trivial and irrelevant.

He uses the opportunity, inappropriate though it is to do so, to launch a series of wildly exaggerated and deeply partisan attacks on the Conservatives.

To support his attacks and endless self-praise, he does not hesitate to tell a series of blatant, bare-faced lies.

He completely ignores the howls of outrage from all around him, and plods turgidly to the end of his entirely prepared speech.

He then stands up, and fucks off out of the House, without bothering to wait for any reply or counter argument.

Surely, we must have been transported back to 2008?

For fucks sake...


That didn't take long

Well, that didn't take long, did it? Gordon Brown reappears in our lives, tells a massive porky pie, and within hours we find out it was all utter bollocks. Well, what a surprise. How utterly fucking astonishing.

All morning we heard about the Broons had been so cruelly treated, by "criminals" who "stole" their sons medical records so that the Sun could publish them. They were "furious", they were "in tears".

What does the Sun have to say to that? Well, plenty:


We are able to assure the Brown family that we did not access the medical records of their son, nor did we commission anyone to do so.

“The story The Sun ran about their son originated from a member of the public whose family has also experienced cystic fibrosis. He came to The Sun with this information voluntarily because he wanted to highlight the cause of those afflicted by the disease. The individual has provided a written affidavit this afternoon to a lawyer confirming this.

“On receipt of the information, The Sun approached Mr Brown and discussed with his colleagues how best to present it. Those colleagues provided quotes which were used in the published piece which indicated his consent to it.

We are not aware of Mr Brown, nor any of his colleagues to whom we spoke, making any complaint about it at the time.

Furious? In tears? But not actually complaining? Someone's lying through their teeth.

Who do you think it might be?


Turning a blind eye

So, this blog's absolutely favourite person is back in the news, after a very, very long and entirely undeserved holiday at our expenses.

Yes, it's Gordon McBroon, folks.

He's - and his gimlet-eyed puppet-mistress wife - are bleating about something that happened in 2006.

Admittedly, it was something pretty fucking grim. News International's army of bribers and bin-grubbers found out that their son was ill, with cystic fibrosis, and promptly published the story, probably alongside a 'pic' of a nineteen old girl with impropable hooters.

The Browns were "extremely distressed" when that fucking awful ginger harpy phoned them to tell them she was about to publish. Gordon was "furious", and - we belatedly learn - "in tears".

An awful thing to do, but one that explains a lot.

It expains why, from 2006 onward, Gordon Brown, Mrs Broon and the Labour party had absolutely nothing to do with Murdoch, or the Murdoch press.

Broon did not ever give interviews to NI reporters, he did not write patronising pieces about what a marvellous job he was doing to be spoon-fed to drooling Sun-readers and he certainly did not have his people kiss Rupe's wrinkled arse for the next 3 years in the desperate hope of patronage.

And Mrs Broon really, really didn't use the Murdoch press to trumpet all her secret work for charidees, and she really wasn't regularly photographed tenderly prodding little brown babies. Oh no.

And there's no way the McBroons, after being treated so shoddily, would ever go to Rebakak-kah-kah's wedding. No way.

And it also explains why Gordon's successor, Ed Milliband and most of the Labour opposition Front Bench were absolutely not in attendance at Rupert's party on June 16th this year.

None of those things happened, because if they had, we might have concluded the Broon and his friends were a bunch of hypocritical power-whores, so desperate to cling to power that they'd carry on dancing with someone who'd kneed them in the groin, pissed on their chips and stolen their wallets.

Wouldn't we?




Be careful what you wish for

Ooohh, the excitement! We're all a-twitter.

The News of The World is gone, and - apart from a couple of self-regarding journalists - we all think thats abso-fucking-lutely marvelous.

Everyone on twitter thinks that they did it. The morons who repeatedly tweeted companies who have never advertised in the NOTW, ordering them not to .. err .. advertise in the NOTW.

Even the insipid bints on Mumsnet have stopped comparing choccy biccies for long enough to claim responsibility.

We're pleased to see the giants toppled, we tell ourselves. The little people overwhelming the all-powerful, tweeting them to death.  But they're not naturally powerful; we made the media powerful. We lapped up their stories of indiscretions, paid good money for them to go through our bins.

And we have the power to bring them down again; and we're exercising it.

The rumours swirl and grow: the Sun's next, the Sunday Times is on its way out; and that Daily Mail, they won't escape for long. Drunk with power, the Twitter mob staggers around, smashing everything it sees.

But just hang on a minute. Whoah! If we get rid of all these terrible papers, and - for good measure - get rid of Rupert's awful Sky to punish him a bit more, then what we be left with?

A Britain where there's one newspaper - The Guardian - and one live news channel - The BBC.

Is that what you want?

Didn't think so.


Please, please, say it isn't true :

Oh dear God. CF has already written about the fucking preposterous amount of misplaced sympathy being lavished upon the hacks at the News of The Screws, who - for fucks sake - aren't exactly Ethiopian.

And now this:

Oh sweet Jesus, is that true?

Has the paper that tried for years to turn us into a nation of hysterical, gullible, over-emoting fuckwits actually suceeded, at the last minute?

For fucks sake.


Oh. Dear. God.

And you think your friends and relatives are wierd? You won't, when you've read this.

A 43-year old woman died after suffering a massive allergic reaction brought on after she had sex with a dog in Limerick.

What? Pardon?

The woman, a mother of four children, suffered the reaction to the dog’s semen after willingly engaging in sex acts with the Alsatian dog in a house in the Patrickswell area of the county.

Wh .. wha .. quick, bring a bucket ...

the unfortunate woman involved came in contact with a man who provided the dog on an internet chatroom.

“Both these people would have been visiting bestiality websites and at some stage it appears they agreed to meet up for sex,” [a] source said.

“The Alsatian then entered the picture and it appears that intercourse took place between the lady in question and the dog on the night that she died.”

Oh. Dear. God.


Sympathy. For the Devil

Oh dear God, you can not escape it. Every bloody paper, every sodding webpage.

Weeping faces, people hugging, crowds with heads bowed. Has there been another bombing? Has someone set up some webcams in the Horn of Africa?

No, no, this is far more serious than that. Didn't you know? A rich businessman has closed down a small division of his global enterprise, and a fraction of a percentage his employees are ... errr ... no longer his employees.

It's a disaster. A catastrophe! Oh my god, has anything this awful ever happened? Twitter is frantic. @fleetstreetfox is distraught.

Get real. 200 people - yes, that's all - may - yes, may - lose their jobs. But CF has been through this: CF has been made redundant by cash-rich companies, and, hey, guess what? It's not that painful.

So, even for the few poor sods - the runts of the litter - who aren't good enough to be cherry-picked to work for the new Sunday Tits, or whatever it's called, it ain't the end of the world.

They'll get a very generous settlement - 3 months pay for the 'consultation period', more pay for their notice period and, and, a months pay for each year 'worked', if you can call grubbing-through-our-bins and slipping-envelopes-to-dodgy-policemen 'working'. Tidy.

So you'll pardon CF, whining journo's, if he doesn't join you in your fucking orgy of self pity.

Promise us you'll buck up, eh?


Evil Genius

Hate him or loathe him, you've gotta give the Dirty Digger some credit, eh?

At a stroke, he's turned the game around. Snatched yet another victory from the jaws of de thick.

He's taken the heat off himself and his pet politicians (yeah, of both colours).

He's decontaminated the brand. Yeah, there won't be a News of the World anymore, there'll just be an almost-identical red top, produced by News International, full of tits and made-up footballer shagging.

He's retained his trusted senior staff - there'll be a little extra something in Rebekah's pay packet this year when she's launched the Soaraway Sunday Sun, won't there?

He's got rid of ten tons of deadwood staff - he can now cherry pick the good 'uns and offer them jobs elsewhere: mostly likely on the new Soaraway Sunday Sun, eh? As for the rest? The B Team? Sorry, chum, nothing we can do: blame the politicians..

And best of all? He's made the sanctimonious, driveling twitter mob think THEY won. Power to the people! Fuckwits. When they've finished crowing, perhaps they'll shut the fuck up for a bit. That's the only good thing that could come out of this.

Other than that, it's Rupert and Rebekah, grinning all over their smug fucking faces, as they continue to pay scumbags to go through the bins.

Evil fucking genius...


Bad choice of words?

Kate McCann is at it again, gettin' all up in our grill about her uniquely missing daughter.

But obviously this time, she's not listened to her retinue of PR people, and as a result she's deployed a rather .. errr ... unfortunate turn of phrase:

Families of missing people are put in the "unbearable position" of being "left in the dark", Kate McCann told MPs today.

Oh dear. Ouch.

I think we can all recall someone, someone you knew, Kate, who was in the 'position' of being 'left in the dark', can't we?

More Sangria?


Brussels runs Belgium

In some ways, it's good to see that Belgium has survived for more than a year without any official government. As one with Libertarian leanings, CF is delighted to have proof so close to hand that a nation can trundle along quite well without a bunch of 'official' troughers. And, as the BBC notes

"Belgium is ticking along nicely. Its economy is growing, exports are up, inward foreign investment has continued, the country's presidency of the European Union in 2010 was deemed a success, and it has contributed to the Nato bombing of Libya."

Not a bad little school report, that. Have some money for some sweeties, Belgium.

However, when you look at the situation a tiny, tiny bit more closely, its actually not mildly amusing, but pretty fucking scary.

Why don't those Belgians need a working government? Well, because:

"..their civil servants are efficient managers .. many powers have already been devolved to Belgium's regional governments .. not to mention the pooling of sovereignty with other members of the eurozone and European Union."

In other words, the country doesn't need a 'real' government because regional 'governments' are keeping the streets swept, civil servants are collecting the speeding fines, and all the real, big, important stuff - you know, money, laws, that kind of thing - has been given away to the fucking EU.

For fucks sake, that's not funny at all, Belgium.

Is that why Cleggy and his boys are so very, very keen on AV? Because AV and most of its the other supposedly 'superior' voting systems generally lead to coalitions? Is that what could have happened in the UK eventually, had the 'Yes' campaign suceeded? A series of weaker, more diverse coalitions, ending with such a fragmented mess that no governing was possible?

And then the EU could do what it's always wanted to do, and make all our laws.

Be afraid...


Labour's lasting legacy

Idly perusing a Spectator editorial a moment ago, CF was stunned by one of the most horrifying statistics he has ever, ever had the misfortune to see:

"Britain has more people on welfare than Ireland, Finland and New Zealand have people"

For fucks sake. Just read that again. For FUCKS SAKE. How did we come to this? And what the fuck are we going to do about it ?


Nannying the kids

The witterings on the Today programme during CF's drive to work this morning were particularly irritating.

Apparently, a bunch of people, rather than making things, or repairing things, or providing goods and services to others, have made it their business to worry about the children. Like a real job, but utterly pointless.

Anyway, these people have become worried that the children - won't somebody think of the children? - might see the cover of a dirty mag', or see the adverts for saucy lingerie for the under tens and be 'offended', 'hurt' and - always a good one - 'damaged'.

And so what do they want? Oh, you know, what do these fuckwits always want? That's right : legislation. Ledge-ish-fucking-lay-shun.

Because we don't want little Johnny to see FHM magazine, we must make it illegal to display or sell such a thing. No-one shall have it, on pain of imprisonment.

Because we don't think it's appropriate that Sophie wants a padded bra, we must ban - oohhhhh lovely word - ban the production of this. If Sophie shouldn't have one, then no-one can.

Oh dear God. Jesus Christ on a fucking bike. Where to begin?

Why doesnt anybody want to ever take any fucking responsibility? Why do 'they' always have to 'do something about it'?

Don't want your nine year old son reading Nuts magazine? Hide your copy under your bed for fucks sake. Scared he might see the cover of a porn mag? How about you don't give him shoulder rides around your seedy local petrol station?

Worried about your ten year old daughter wearing a padded bra? Well don't buy her one. Tell her she can't buy herself one. And if her dodgy uncle-she-met-on-the-Internet buys her one, for fucks sake take it away and burn it.

Parents, guess what? You have a huge amount of control over what your kids read, wear and watch. You don't need to further empower the nanny state - the one we thought we were getting rid of - to tell you what's right and wrong for your offspring.

If you don't want your child to do or see something, fucking stop them. They're probably shorter than you, and certainly a lot less fit. Unless you take them on their X-Box, you'll probably get the upper hand.

Make your children behave in the way you think appropriate. Don't trot along to Broadcasting House and demand that new laws are created, that things you don't like are banned.

And if you're one of the misguided fuckwits pushing for this new legislation and you don't actually have kids of your own, well then you must do what you've probably been doing all along: go fuck yourself.


Caption Competition #83

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Just check out this picture.

Saint Obama, Mrs. Saint Obama and the terrible, terrible Dominique Strauss-Kahn; you know, 'DSK' to his friends and the tabloids.

So, wassup here?  Look at the expressions. Look at St. O's restraining hand. Look at Mrs O's strained grin.

I think we all know wassup here...

(oh, by the way, hat tip to the First Post)


So, the 12 year old supposed-to-be-gay boy didn't win Bacon-Lettuce-and-Tomato? Huh? So why did the secret squirrel tell us he was going to?

Was it that the whistleblower was wrong, that the contest really is wide open and we can each have our say?

Or maybe, maybe, the littlest gayer was going to win, but because someone pointed out Sir Simon had fixed it he had to fix it the other way so that we wouldn't know he'd fixed it?

No, wait, hang on...

Nobody gives a flying fuck.


The only surprise is that anyone's surprised #BGT

The open letter below was put up on the Interwebs a couple of days ago, but the worlds most powerful man, Simon Cowell has had the original removed. Read it below.

This is probably an elaborate hoax, but equally probably contains several very accurate allegations.

BGT fixed? Are you surprised? CF isn't.


"For reasons which will become obvious, I can't reveal my full identity. But let me just say that, I am an executive with Sony Music UK with many years experience in music mangement. My work involves close liasion with Simon Cowell's SYCO company (specifically SYCO Music and SYCO TV) and, as a result, I have seen what goes on from the inside and this has left me increasingly uncomfortable about the integrity of Britain's Got Talent and particularly the workings of SYCO.

It's long been known that there is a quite a degree of "fixing" in BGT. ( Daily Mail http://bit.ly/fxkWne ) But press reports on "fixing" are only the tip pf the iceberg when it comes to SYCO's manipulation of, not only the show and the contestants, but also the viewing public and hopefully, in this email, I can shine some light on the smoke and mirrors trickery of SYCO.

Take BGT 2011 for example. Scouts working for SYCO first saw Ronan Parke (the 12 year old singer) some two years ago when he was just 10 and was singing at a birthday party for former Norwich City goal-keeper, Bryan Gunn. Following that, Ronan was privately auditioned by SYCO scouts on two more occasions and, as is usual practice on BGT, he was "invited" to audition for the show as a "preferred" contestant. At the same time, Ronan and his parents were "required" to enter into a contract with SYCO. Like all SYCO contracts, it is heavily weighted in favour of the label and are notoriously bad, even in the cut-throat world of the music industry. Simon effectively signed Ronan for life and he's got little or no chance of ever getting out of it...unless Simon decides to terminate. Recording contracts are legally extremely complex and usually require input and advice from very expensive, specialist contract lawyers. SYCO knows that such legal advice goes well beyond the means of most contestants. As one senior SYCO executive said to me recently. "These people are mugs. They'll sign away their own mother just to get on tv. It's a fucking turkey-shoot and then we own their arses!"

As is common for "invited" contestants that SYCO likes and have already signed, Ronan and his parents were provided with a car to drive them to the audition in London. These "invited" contestants don't have to queue up with everyone else, they don't go through the preliminary auditions with producers, but perform straight to Simon and the judging panel at a prearranged
time-slot. And so it was for Ronan back in 2009 when he was just 10.

It was at this initial audition that I first met Ronan and he looked very different back then. He was a skinny, 10 year old lad who, even at that time, was a bit effeminate. His voice needed a bit of working on, but that wouldn't be a problem.

Unfortunately, nerves got the better of Ronan and he was unable to perform. Simon however, had already seen the audition tapes from the scouts and took Ronan into an unused dressing room and got him to sing in there with his mum for support.

Clearly Ronan was not going to be part of BGT in 2009 and nothing from this was ever televised.
Ordinarily, you would think that would be the end of things, but with Ronan already signed to SYCO, far from it. This was just the start of a two year grooming and manipulation process to prepare Ronan for stardom.

It's no big secret that Simon has been looking for an artist who could crack the very lucrative pre-teen market for some time, particularly in the US. If you like, he wanted his own rival to Bieber and, taking a leaf out of how professional football academies develop youngersters to feed their main team, Simon wanted his own singing academy and Ronan was just one of a number of identified youngsters, with whom SYCO intensively works with.

A development package, which included professional singing, dancing and stage-craft tuition was arranged for Ronan and the SYCO machine kicked into gear with the view of Ronan entering BGT 2010. Lots of work had been done with Ronan and his voice was much improved, unfortunately nerves were still a major issue for him and it was decided by SYCO not to
enter him into the 2010 series. At a following senior exec meeting at SYCO it was suggested that Ronan be dropped, but with Simon confident that he could be the kid he had been looking for, it was agreed that Ronan would receive "intensive support and input" to ready him for the 2011 series. Although Ronan's voice was now stunning, there were other major problems to be dealt with in order to sell him to the public. With respect to Ronan, he was nothing more than a cooky-looking, skinny runt of a kid and this was identified as a major handicap to sales.

It was agreed at a high-level, secret SYCO meeting, that if they were to do anything with Ronan, he needed totally restyling from the toes up. And so with time running out to develop Ronan into the star Simon wanted, SYCO went into overdrive.

Ronan was even given speech and elocution training to rid him of his rural Norfolk accent, again in preparation for the potential US market. As for his effeminate and girlishness, this posed a bigger problem and resulted in many highly confidential meetings. At one of these meetings, the unthinkable was raised as a way forward....

Until now Ronan had been encouraged to "boy-up" and it was planned to present Ronan as an everyday skater-boy. But with his girliness still showing through, the image just wasn't believable. So a decision was taken to encourage and allow Ronan to "release" and enhance his campness . Disgustingly, SYCO planned to sexualise him. They were well aware of course, that if they sexualised a young girl to look sexually older than she is, all hell would let loose. But with Ronan, as one executive put it, "no one has ever seen a 'gay' kid before, it'll be a novelty." As for the pre-teen market, it was accepted they wouldn't care if Ronan appeared gay or not...most probably don't know what gay is anyway. And so, with a total gaysexualisation of Ronan secretly planned, SYCO got to work. I should stress, Ronan's parents were not aware of any of this
and were never consulted about Ronan's development or management. When I first met Ronan he was a bit effeminate in his ways, but nothing like the camp, girlie-giggling kid you see now on BGT and this is a direct result of SYCO's styling. Even his clothing worn at the audition and live semi-final were chosen for him by SYCO to match his new image.

SYCO took over everything to do with Ronan. His hairstyle, his clothes, his poise, giving tv interviews, you name it, Ronan was styled within an inch of his life and all on the promise of stardom, just as long as he worked hard and listened to his mentors. As for Ronan's parents they were constantly reassured that Simon was personally looking after Ronan and "it's all good".

And so to BGT 2011. With Ronan ready to be unveiled, SYCO bosses, under instructions from Simon did something not done in previous series of BGT; the winner of BGT 2011 was decided long before the first auditions took place and that winner HAD to be Ronan Parke. With Ronan now 12, he looked and sounded just as SYCO had planned, but time was running out. Soon Ronan would be going into puberty and his voice would eventually break, so BGT 2011 had to be the vehicle to launch Ronan's career; another year and as a singer he would probably be beyond any meaningful career and the opportunity will have been missed. With all this investment in Ronan, the production managers at SYCO TV are ready to deliver Ronan as ordered. Again, I need to stress, Ronan and his parents know nothing of this and have no idea Ronan will win BGT this weekend.

So far in the history of BGT and X-Factor, for that matter, no one has ever won who has not been an "invited or preferred" contestant, and it does sadden me that, all those thousands of people, lining up outside, often in the rain and cold, are basically wasting their time. The producers of BGT are not looking for the talented people, they aready have those. The reality is that the producers are hunting out oddities, freaks and, I'm ashamed to say, mentally ill people, to act as amusing fillers in the audition shows. They are nothing more than unpaid extras and they don't even qualify for traveling expenses!

It's quite disgusting and shameful really, how the production team on BGT operate. People come from all over the country, often at great personal expense, because they think BGT is a talent competition and they stand a chance of realising their dreams. I can tell you from the inside that BGT is no more a "competition", than I am an astronaut. Nothing is left to chance on BGT, everything is micro-managed, choreographed, manipulated and planned down to the last detail including, the telephone voting.

The ability to manipulate viewers opinion is vital if you are to control telephone voting and indeed get the required result.

SYCO see this as essential to the success of the show and are very open about fact; planning and delivering live shows of quality is impossible if it was purely left to the public vote. As Simon said in a meeting once. "The public NEED to be told who to vote for." Everything on BGT is geared towards telling you who you should for, particularly on the production side. It's an art really, which Simon has honed to perfection and SYCO are now world leaders at.

The micro-management of Ronan's audition performance was incredible. I was really quite shocked at his new image. From a starting point of wanting Ronan to look cute for the pre-teen market, SYCO had totally gayed him up in the process. Ronan's not a 16 year old expressing his sexualty for the first time, he's a 12 year old boy. It was horrible and I was very uncomfortable as to where this was going to end. Ronan, still suffering from nerves, performed his song and received a standing ovation from all three judges...why? Because it was in the script to give Ronan a standing ovation. As for Louis comment. "Ronan Parke. Remember that name. This kid's gonna be a star!!" - that was actually fed to him from the production gallery and I know the guy who wrote the line. And when it comes to Ronan's tears...well, check it out on YouTube or something. You see Ronan crying and wiping away tears. Only you don't see any actual tears, not even on close-up and on an HD tv. Yep you guessed it, even that was choreographed, right down to the lip-biting!

It was also interesting to see that even before the final credits rolled on Ronan's audition show, SYCO TV had uploaded the offical video of Ronan onto YouTube. Today, that particular video has been viewed over 2.5 million times and growing.

SYCO don't do that for other contestants, so why Ronan? The gaying-up Ronan plan slightly backfired on SYCO when lots of negative comments were being posted on YouTube and Twitter about Ronan's image and the supposed sexuality that represents. Things got so bad on YouTube that the posting of comments had to be suspended. But SYCO learned from this and dressed Ronan more appropriately for his semi-final show; preferring a much more Bieber inspired look to the 'gaykid' image presented in the audition.

In another unusal move for BGT contestants, SYCO created Ronan's Official Facebook Fan Page and Twitter account. Both these services are managed from within SYCO and they post messages and pictures, not Ronan. This is because they don't want Ronan posting anything controversial and is standard practice for currrent artists signed to SYCO.

And so this weekend will see Ronan crowned as winner of BGT 2011. Oh and let's not forget the £100k prize money. It's unlikely Ronan will see much or any of that. He's been signed to SYCO for two years now and under the terms of his contract, while SYCO stump-up for costs in advance, this is paid back from future earnings. So he will need to pay for all those lessons, coaches, cars, clothes, styling and management... I wouldn't be surprised even after winning BGT, if he is not still in debt to SYCO.

As a recording artist Ronan has a relatively short shelf-life. Simon knows he is going to have to hit the ground running to maximise Ronan's earning potential, particularly if they go ahead with a planned break into the States and the pace is going to be frantic for Ronan. If you think the music industry is bad in the UK, you haven't seen anything until you experience it Stateside.

With an "anything goes" attitude all morals have long since gone out of the window. There will be no allowance for Ronan's age and he will be expected to perform on late- night shows and dinners etc. And if he get exhausted, there's always some sleaze-bag on hand ready to put a line of coke under his nose. I've seen it a million times.

I know for a fact, that the songs have already been chosen for Ronan's debut single and album, and that the backing and drum tracks have already been laid down.

Of course, once Ronan's voice breaks, it's game-over and he will be commercially redundant for a few years. By the time he gets through that, the world will have moved on and his fan-base will have grown-up a bit. Will he make a comeback? In my experience I'd say probably not.

I've met Ronan a few times over the past couple of years. He's a really nice kid with a generous, warm personality and the most wonderfully cute, girlie-giggle. There's nothing to not like about Ronan. He's a really sensitive soul and this comes across as him being a bit effeminate. But in a world of thuggish chavs, Ronan's a real breath of fresh air really and a real delight to chat to. Do I think Ronan's gay? No, is the short answer to that. SYCO have got a lot to answer for in their initial styling and image for Ronan. Like many 12 year old boys, Ronan may have issues in coming to terms with his sexuality in a couple of years. But right now, he's just a great kid...a bit different, I admit...but a great kid just the same.

I hope Ronan is not damaged by this experience, unforunately, history warns otherwise...but whatever, the genie is already out of the bottle and come this weekend, Ronan's life will change forever. Whether it's a good or bad experience being a 12 year old star in today's music industry, only time will tell. But as an industry insider I have serious reservations about what is about to happen to Ronan Parke and I doubt he or his family are ready for what's coming.

Thanks to my friends on Twitter and Facebook for getting this document out. Without you my voice would be silent.

** If you want to help expose the lie which is Britain's Got Talent, please feel free to republish this article or post a link to it

Sony Music UK"

Hat tip to Sir Olly

Blatterly ridiculous

The face of evil
It seems pretty well impossible to open a paper, listen to the radio or fire up a browser without being subjected to a seemingly endless torrent of crap about the ridiculously named Sepp Blatter.

The world stands aghast at the horrors he hath wrought, apparently. WHY, for fucks sake?

Has he murdered thousands of rebels, leaving children parentless and wives mourning? Well, no.

Has he fucked up the entire economy of a nation, leaving debts it will take generations to repay? No, that wasn't him.

Has he pushed a person with learning difficulties over, and hosed them with cold water? No, not him either.

So he's a well dodgy foreigner, who's taken more backhanders than a Nigerian customs officer? So he's got a fucking Learjet? Who fucking cares?

So he's helped himself to the Presidency for the fourth time in a row? So what? The presidency of a bunch of other equally corrupt foreigners. He's not sitting on any oil; he's not poison gassing his colleagues. What do you want to do, get the Americans to send in some choppers? Effect some Regime Change? Dear God.

This twat doesn't get any of CF's money. He doesn't suckle on CF's taxes - in fact, he doesn't get anybody's fucking taxes, does he? Not even the Television Licence money goes to FIFA, does it?

If, like CF, you are one of the many, many people who choose not to spunk sixty quid to sit and watch 22 millionaires rolling on the floor and spitting at each other, and you don't pay fifty quid for your T-shirts just so they can have the same adverts on as Wayne's do, and you don't pay Sky forty quid a month for the privilege of bringing yet more tedious bladder chasing into your life, then this twat Blatter is not getting any of your money, is he?

And clearly, for all the huffing and puffing, our own FA isn't going to influence him now he's got his chops in the trough, are they? If the biggest threat we can muster is that we might not send a team to struggle through the group stages of the 2104 World Cup before being knocked out in the Quarter Finals, then he's probably just going to carry on filling his boots, isn't he?

So CF, for one, no longer wants to hear that Seppy has just eaten a champagne brunch off the body of a supermodel, or just had his Cheetah gold plated.

We. Don't. Give. A. Shit.


Sharon Shoesmith : what?

CF wrote this, below, nearly 2 years ago.

In all the furore and prurient reportage around the death of Baby P, it's all too easy to forget that others have suffered too. That's right - many of the people associated with this case have had their careers blighted and their reputations damaged; some have even lost their jobs.

There's the doctor, Sabah Al-Zayyat, scapegoated and dismissed; and all because she didn't spot that the toddler she was examining had a broken back. After all, its not like you can see a spine, is it? How's anyone supposed to know everything thats wrong with a child, just by examining it? And yet, for this oversight, the unfortunate doctor's career has been abruptly terminated.

But there's a ray of hope for Doctor Al-Zayyat. She's bravely picked herself up from this setback and trotted along to a tribunal. If she wins, she could get her job back and claim 65,000 compensation for this terrible insult to her abilities. Best of luck, Sabah!

Maria Ward, Peter's Social Worker, has also been dismissed, on some trumped up 'Gross Misconduct' charges. Why? Apparently because she failed to spot any problems with Baby P. But the poor, overworked lady had only been able to see him on nine seperate occasions. That's not really enough to form an opinion, is it?

And, to make her job harder, the child's carers had completely disguised his horrendous multiple injuries by putting some chocolate on him. How was she supposed to see through that? There was nothing in the training about that. Hope the tribunal solves your problem, like, Maria.

Cecilia Hitchen, number 2 in the Child Protection agency, is also taking her case to a tribunal. She lost her 80,000 pound a year job without compensation, and really, she thinks this is most unfair. After all, she was only a senior manager - its not like she was actually talking to these ghastly dysfunctional families and their unfortunate kids. So why's she been dragged in?

The list of victims goes on. There's Gillie Christou, who was Maria 'is that a bruise no its chocolate' Ward's supervisor. There's Clive Preece, Head of Safeguarding at Haringey. Both have also been sacked, purely because they made the decision to send Peter back to his mother, rather than placing him with a foster family. Anyone can make a mistake, right? Both are appealing, of course.

But in all of this tragic affair, the person who has probably suffered the most is poor, poor Sharon Shoesmith. She was on a salary of 130,000 pounds as Head of Childrens Services. But she never got to see that salary grow; it was snatched away from her after a few short years. It might have grown into a salary of which she could be proud. But not now.

Luckily, Sharon is receiving financial support, so she can take her case of unfair dismissal to the High Court, and perhaps get this monstrous wrong overturned. Fingers crossed, Shazza!

So, spare a thought for these unfortunate people, and try to imagine their suffering.

We should all follow the progress of these tribunals, and make sure that - no matter how long it takes - justice is done.

Obviously Ms Shoesmith has not rested, and has now achieved what she wanted.

For fuck's sake.

Same ol' same ol' ?

So, Mr Bean  - sorry, lil' Ed' - sorry, Ed Miliband - has summoned up the courage to crawl from beneath the wreckage of his party's failed 'project' and say a few words today.

A few words to future students, who might be wondering where the fuck their beer 'n' kebab ('n' textbook, perhaps) money might be coming from.

He gave us all the benefit of his opinions in a little speech, with the cute-but-catchy soundbite "the Jilted Generation". Oh dear God. Spare us the spin..

But, for once, even the boys 'n' girls over at the normally compliant Staggers are not convinced.

As they point out, this is the man who said, a few weeks ago

"We must have a system that promotes equal opportunity .. and provides fair and sustainable funding for universities. That is why there is such a strong case for moving towards a graduate tax and why we will develop a proposal in our policy review"

Not only that, but back then he also got a big stick and forced former Posty, former Cabinet minister, Alan 'Black 'n' White Cat' Johnson to say

"We are now seeing how casually the variable fees system can be distorted with such damaging effects. It is in these circumstances that there is a strong case for a graduate tax, which may offer a fairer way of sharing costs between individuals and government.

So what did Mr Bean say today? When talking to the Jilted Generation?

I also know we can only meet people's desire for a better politics if we make promises we know we can keep. At this stage, I can't make a promise on tuition fees, but I am clear about our guiding principles."

"Strong Case"? "..can't Make a Promise"? Can you see what it is yet? That's right: it's expediency and hypocrisy and bullshit...



Twitter is alive! Exciting news floods around the world.

“@SkyNewsBreak: Chelsea FC say they have parted company with Carlo Ancelotti”

Apparently, a bloke, who is paid more than the national average salary - every fucking month -has just lost his job.

What was his job? To 'manage' a group of 19 year old Ferrari-trashers and spit-roasters who are paid more than the national average salary - every fucking week - to kick an inflated leather bag around a field.

Anyway, this bloke has fallen out with his boss, a Russian mafioso who spends more than the national average salary - every fucking day - on running his yachts, helicopters and globally distributed mansions.

And why? Because another bunch of 19 year olds kicked the ball about a teeny bit better, and got marginally more 'points' for doing so.

Even though both bunches of 19 year olds were watched by tens of thousands of people every week, who'd handed over the price of a week's careful shopping for the privilege, often while wearing a brightly coloured shirt that cost the price of a weekend worth of eating out.

Even though both bunches gained their owners literally millions of pounds every month from television companies, who charge their customer tens of pounds every month to watch from afar.

And you think Bankers bonuses are 'obscene', do you?

For fucks' sake...


They think it's all over..

So, that didn't last long. CF returned to the world of blogging yesterday, and the world is - apparently - ending shortly. Talk about shit timing.

Anyway, the very least CF can do is to present his readers, old 'n' new, with this simple guide to tomorrow's "rapture":

Enjoy, and see y'all up there ....


Looking like that, he was asking for it

CF is moved to blog once more by the vast amounts of sheer fucking idiocy swilling around Ken 'Hushpuppies' Clarke and his rambling nonsense regarding rape yesterday.

No sooner was the waffle out of Hushpuppies' stupid mouth than a fucking army of 'victims', relatives of victims, friends of victims and the sort of faux-charidees that hover around anybody who might ever consider themselves a victim poured from the woodwork.

Clarke was condemned by all and sundry, partly because it seems a substantial part of the commentariat feel that unless you've actually been raped - ideally recently and repeatedly - you can have absolutely no understanding of "what it's like" and therefore - in a typically wrongheaded leap of logic - have no fucking opinion on the subject whatsoever.

Don't misunderstand, CF still ain’t no Coalition fan , and certainly has very little time for ol' Kenny. He manages to be both an old-school Tory and have a number of fuckwitted ideas on "Europe" - a revolting combination.

And a man of his age and weight really ought to be able to go out on the media and say what he wants to fucking well say without being reduced to a mumbling imbecility by a DeeJay and a 'caller from London' .But this shouldn't be about him.

One of the original reasons he got onto his hind legs was to float the concept of 'plea bargaining'. The idea that, if a rapist pleads guilty immediately - obviously in exchange for some inducement - then the rape victim is spared the ordeal of having their character, behaviour and even wardrobe analysed and attacked in court: an ordeal in itself. CF guesses many victims would be very, very glad to avoid their day in court.

Obviously - duh - the rapist has got to be offered something in exchange for this. What can you offer someone who's probably going to prison anyway? Perfect - the threat of a longer sentence if they don't play ball, and a comparatively shorter one if they do.

Perhaps this is a reasonable idea - perhaps we should discuss that, eh?

No, fuck it, lets not. Let's attack the old, plummy, white man. Let's bash the Tory. Let's see - in a piece of fucking blatant political opportunism - if we can get a Cabinet Minister fired. That's what important. Dear God.

This could have been a sensible discussion about a 'tweak' to the system to improve things for the victims. To prevent young women being told by defence lawyers that really they were "asking for it", weren't they? To perhaps increase the number reported rapes, given that reporting it wouldn't necessarily get you into a courtroom to face your attacker all over again.

But the 'victims' representatives have killed that stone dead, haven't they? Thanks to the knee-jerkers, that’s not gonna happen, is it? For fuck's sake.