Letter to the Telegraph

Dear Daily Telegraph,

Re: the MP's expenses Scandal

Alright, alright, we get the fucking point. Please, put everything else on a CD, and give it away with the next copy of your rag (free with a bottle of water at WH Smith suits me best).

Then shut the fuck up about this, and start reporting some real news again.


For fucks sake, this is getting dull. It's been going on for what seems like years now, and after the first few days, very little more has been learnt by the great British public

Sure, some of it was good to hear: remember how we were furious with Hazel 'Chipmunk' Blears and the CGT? Remember how we demanded that Elliot Morely be sent to jail for his phantom mortgage? Remember how we chuckled, united as a nation, about that chap with his little house for ducks? Ah, good times, good times.

But the Telegraph just doesn't seem to know when to fucking stop. Day after day after tedious, repetitive day the story is dripped out.

It's like when your dog brings you a stick: "good boy", you say, "clever boy". So the slavering hound then brings you another. And another. And another. Given the chance, the poor stupid mutt will spend the whole fucking afternoon bringing you more and more chewed, spit-covered twigs, in the pathetically misguided idea that you're delighted with each and every one of 'em. "Another naughty MP, Daily Telegraph? Good boy".

So, mindlessly, they go on, story after story. The poor metaphorical barrel must have a pretty sore bottom, with all the scraping that's going on.

So some Labour MP claimed £5 back for a church donation? Well then he's a twat. But is this really headline news? Is it?

Sure, some will be outraged, as they are every day. Guido Fawkes is currently running 'that fiver' as a headline, and many other bloggers have popped this latest "obscenity" into the old sausage machine for today's post.

But really, what the fuck next? "Fury as MP uses Andrex instead of Tesco's own brand bog roll"?, "Outrage as MP takes last Jaffa Cake"? Jesus Christ, spare us this trivia.

And it's all such a fucking distraction to the poor dim public, who can generally only think about one scandal at a time, bless 'em.

If caught out, all an MP has to do is sit tight and keep quiet for a couple days; there’ll be a nice “duck house” story along shortly, and then we’ll all forget about them.

What the fuck happened to Baroness Uddin? To Jacqui Smith? To Hazel Blears? To Shahid Malik? Fuck all, that's what. We've all moved on, distracted by much smaller stories.

Pontificating on the Today program on Saturday some Telegraph talking head insisted on described this expenses leaking exercise as "our research". Research? You've got a big fucking spreadsheet with lots of names and numbers, and every day you pick a couple of rows and paste the details into the same fucking piece: "Outrage was today growing as blah blah fucking blah...". Where's the research in that?

The Telegraph website now even has a dedicated RSS feed, "MP's expenses" so we can watch 24 hours a day, all agog to see what latest piece of "research" they deem to drop into our ever-open mouths. The same, lame "its in the public interest" line is trotted out with fucking tiresome regularity. So nothing to do with selling more copies of your tedious rag then?

Well, CF for one is bored stupid with it all. Furious at Elliot Morely, yes, enraged by Hazel Blears, yes, and fucking incensed at Shahid Malik and his pathetic self-justifications.

But not remotely fucking interested in some miserable, tight sod claiming back a fiver which he didn't want to spend.

If there really are any more proper stories, that involve actual fraud (rather than actual Snickers, or actual light bulbs) then lets have 'em, right now.

You don't want to get tangled up, Daily Telegraph, in the unpleasantness that could arise if it was found that you've known about a major fraud for weeks, but not informed the police because you want to boost your fucking circulation in June.

But whether there are or not, its time to move on.

Move on, Daily Telegraph, move on. Get outside and get some sunshine. Barbecue some sausages. Just shut up about the expenses now, OK?


Pick of the week

CF is feeling lazy at the end of another week of interspersed job-hunting and MP's expenses-related outrage. What next to get furious about? What the fuck to blog about? It's all so fucking tiresome on a hot day.

A quick trawl around the Blogosphere shows CF exactly what should be done - a bit of transparent plagiarism; snatches from other parts of the interwebs that stimulated CF's jaded fancies. A "best of" compilation, if you will.

So, here's the first "Constantly Furious Pick of the Weeeeeeeek". The winners are:

  • The irrepressible Old Holborn, whose latest idea - Citizens' Arrests of troughing MP's - is likely to get him a 'Brazilian' (gunned down by trigger-happy cops) but will give us all a laugh and make a strong point for the sheeple to gawp at.

  • Dan "the man" Hannan, for setting out a strong, clear case (without swearing - how the fuck does he manage that?) for the dissolution of Parliament. CF ain't no Tory, but this man's gettin' it said.

  • The website "Explosions and Boobs", for doing exactly what it says on the tin. CF can happily refresh the page for hours, and its so much cheaper than buying an action movie DVD, and so much nicer than sitting in the fucking cinema watching chavs throwing popcorn at each other.

And of course, no contest (except at a fucking primary school these days) is complete without a loser, so here's the "Pick of the Weak":

  • Brand spankin' new blog No Leader But Gordon. First brought to CF's attention from an abusive comment on an earlier post (apparently CF has "no soul" because he joked about Gordon needing a poo). Just trot along there and have a quick look at this post. CF has a horrible feeling that this is not a parody. Dear god.

So there you have it; the good, the very good and the fucking barking.

And, you may wonder, why the picture of the poor, ill-educated people picking through enormous heaps of festering rubbish? No idea.
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Does Gordon need a poo?

When discussing elsewhere (yes, CF sometimes hangs wit' the Clown) the differences between CallMeDave's and Gordo's approaches to their numerous troughing MP's, CF concluded the following.

It's a nice, simple analogy; one can that be discussed with the children, perhaps over a family meal. Or possibly, one can that be discussed by spin-doctors, with a view to a party-political broadcast with a strong and memorable message.

Both of the main parties are absolutely busting for a crap, to urgently void themselves of all the nasty troughing turds.

Dave's sensible: he's getting on with it, behind a nearby bush. We're all pointing, laughing and complaining about the smell, but he knows that, depsite the current humiliation, he'll soon be done.

Gordon, on the other hand, is desperately holding on, teeth clenched, sweating furiously, in the hope that for some reason he'll get away with it, and he won't need to go after all. Then won't Dave look silly, squatting over there, with shit on his shoes.

And we all know where that's going to lead: eventually, Gordon's going to give a piercing scream and keel over, vomiting, with his trousers filled with shit and blood.

Pretty analogy, no?

UPDATE: Sunny Hundal, over on Liberal Conspiracy, sees things very differently: "Most of the scalps so far have been Conservative, thanks to their headline-grabbing gaffes."

Ahahahahahahahaahahaha!!!!! Yeah, right.


Summoning up the courage to chicken out?

Anybody seen Gordon?

CallMeDave leapt into the limelight yesterday, with some typically opportunistic but surprisingly well-received remarks around the reformation of government.

Normally one would expect that his suggested ideas would have been immediately derided by our beloved PM as "totally unworkable" or re-announced as "long-standing Labour policy". Or fucking both, with this government of mendacity.

But no, not a peep.

Where's the fuck is Gordon? He was famous, when in Bliar's shadow, for disappearing at the first hint of trouble, but this is his fucking job now, for god's sake. He said he'd be "working hard", to dig us out of the gigantic heap of economic and social shit he dropped us into.

The expenses saga rumbles tediously on (and on and fucking on), public anger continues to simmer, and the silence on everything is fucking deafening.

Is he travelling the land, meeting the public, hearing their anger? Is he learning from the people what they really think, and what they'd really like him to do? Is he fuck.

Is he instead working hard in Westminster, burning the midnight oil, purging his cabinet of wrong-doers and troughers, interviewing each individually then summarily dismissing those who can't defend their actions? Is he bollocks.

Is he, on the other hand, winding down before a huge effort to finally save the world, perhaps enjoying a holiday in Italy, at one of the sumptuous mansions of Signor Berlusconi? Unlikely.

Caroline Flint thrusts her spear into the ground and announces that she's supporting Hazel Blears, and doesn't agree that the Chipmunk should be sacked ("Hazel hasn’t done anything wrong") and .. and ... nothing.

A statement like that would normally be followed by Ms Flint slumping to the floor stunned, with a Nokia-shaped dent in the back of her head, but this time she's gone completely unpunished. Gordon thinks Blears' behaviour was "totally unacceptable", Flint thinks she "hasn't done anything wrong" and the nations least-favourite control freak literally turns a blind eye.

Adam Boulton rewarms the long-running story that Gordon could be forced to step down 'for health reasons' after the European elections:

"The theory is that the election results will be so poor for the government, that the Prime Minister will find an excuse - health? - to duck out and avoid further humiliation. "

"Mr Brown has backed out before, it's pointed out, refusing to challenge Tony Blair for the leadership, and ensuring there was no election when his chance finally came in 2007, so why not avoid the approaching unpleasantness of an approaching crushing election defeat?"

Well, none us would be surprised if the bottler bottled again.

So, that's the explanation: Gordon Brown is hiding away, summoning up the courage to chicken out.

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Cameron's Brave New World

Cameron : My Government Will Be “Open, Online All the Time”


Bloody hell, Nadine's back

Nadine Dorries, Tory MP and absolute ruler of the Kingdom of PoorMe, has bounced back from the removal of her blog by the evil Daily Telegraph, and now re-appears with a sparkling new blog.

Thanks to the wonders of technology, her every last utterance and trivial thought over the last 3 years has been preserved and transferred, and we can once more join her in wallowing in her self-pity. Get this:

"realising that with the Archbishops comments, that at least I had God on my side, I began to vomit."

Which is ironic, because when CF realised Nadine was blogging again, he began to vomit. For fucks sake.

CF has already written about how this womans inane, self-pitying witterings are wasting both bandwidth and the apparently limited supply of public wrath.

Remember, we talked about this? Fascinating though this woman's deluding ramblings doubtless are,why is Hazel Blears still in the Cabinet? Why do the blasted Balls remain completely untouched? Why the fuck is Elliot Morely not in prison yet?

And the old favourite: why, why-oh-fucking-why hasn't Baroness Uddin been dragged onto the streets and hung from a lamp-post?

For fucks sake, we want some arses kicked here; we want some radical change in a corrupt and broken system, not to read a whinge about Nadine's fucking tummy ache, or how naughty the main stream media can be.

Be *smack!* quiet, woman.

Isn't Tim Ireland a hoot?

You know sometimes, you really hate someone, and you want bad things to happen to them, so you attack them and attack them and attack them; then afterwards you think about what you did and realise it was a bit excessive and you begin to feel a bit ashamed.

Do you think Tim Ireland / bloggerheads feels like that?

What do you think, Iain Dale? If CF recalls correctly, you know about those "certain left of centre blogs" don't you?

(With thanks to Chicken Yoghurt, whose twittering reminded CF that he'd seen these twitters go by earlier and done nothing about them)

UPDATE: Tim won't let CF's comment through in his blog, but he has responded through the comments here. Apparently (for those who can't be arsed to read the comments here):

Your comment by my place is off-topic and won't be published under the submitted thread, but I'll happily answer your question here; in context, it's fair comment of a media event and priorities involving a woman who was already ducking for cover behind that 'suicide' nonsense.

Fair comment? "Nadine is nearly as bad as a baby rapist"? Twittered three times in ten minutes? Do you know, Tim, we're just going to have to agree to differ there. For fucks sake ...

Oh Nadine, DO shut up

Nadine Dorries, the Tory MP embroiled in her very own special twist on the expenses scam, really doesn't know when to stop fucking digging.

The various 'facts' and allegations are so bloody mind-numbingly, arse-clenchingly tangled and tedious that they really don't bear repeating here.

It's what the stupid woman is doing now that's so infuriating. Dragging her sorry arse from studio to studio; writing long-winded, self-pitying rants on her blog; claiming that the Telegraph is running a "witch-hunt" (a witch-hunt, you silly bitch? Witches were innocent); drawing comparisons with McCarthyism; alleging that its now so 'awful' at the House of Commons that

"People are constantly checking to see if others are OK. Everyone fears a suicide. If someone isn't seen, offices are called and checked."

Dear god. What utter bollocks.

And who the fuck does she thinks this festival of imbecility is helping?

She's not helping herself: she looks sillier and sillier as she becomes shriller and shriller. There's not yet enough evidence for CallMeDave to sack her, but he must wish there was. He's going to have to sack her for the lesser crime of being fucking irritating soon.

She's not helping fellow MP's - none of us believe they're feeling suicidal, and none of us would feel remotely sorry for the troughing bastards even if they did.

She's certainly not helping the Tories - the left-of-centre blogs are having an absolute field day with this 'typical Tory'. Tim Ireland has - as is his wont - written reams about her, and has spent the morning sitting one-handed, with his trousers 'round his ankles, Twittering '#sackdorries' every five fucking minutes.

Hoppi Sen compares her to Sarah Palin:

"..in the way she’s an absloute embarrassment to the Conservative party whenever she’s put near a microphone.

(oh, and that she offers rather confused explanations when accused of personally benefitting from her political career)"

He's not wrong.

The labour-luvvin' blogs are delighted at the chance to pretend to forget that all the really big sleaze is on the Labour benches, with a big slice of that in the fucking Cabinet.

Only Iain Dale, who makes no secret that he fucking adores the woman, has fallen silent. And that in itself is just as telling.

The stupid woman is sucking up gallons, tons, acres of anger that should be used elsewhere.

Why is Hazel Blears still a cabinet minister? Why are the bloody Balls completely untouched (yes, yes). Why the fuck isn't Elliot Morely in prison yet?

And why, why-oh-fucking-why hasn't Baroness Uddin been dragged onto the streets and hung from a lamp-post?

All the real crooks and fraudsters are having a little bit of 'quiet time', away from the spotlight to cover their tracks, rally their supporters and begin to wonder if, maybe, they're going to get away with it.

All because Nadine just will not, cannot, shut the fuck up.

Its a shame, really, that the 1950's are over, and its no longer acceptable to give a hysterical woman a ringing slap:

Dammit, be *smack* quiet, woman.

UPDATE: according to gorgeous, pouting Tory Totty, CallMeDave has made a statement to distance himself and the party from this drooling nutter. Not a sacking, but a good start.

UPDATE 2: as of a little after 10pm tonight (Friday) the crazy bitch's blog has gone offline. Really, properly 'Server Error' gone. Who did this? Tim Ireland will be delighted. CallMeDave will be relieved.

(hat-tip to Chris Paul at LabourOfLove for the image)

Poor, poor Nick Robinson - all alone

The BBC's Nick Robinson is obviously feeling a little left out, and just couldn't keep hiding his hurt any longer.

In his latest 'not-blog' (like a blog, but without information or opinion), he discusses this afternoon's PMQ's:

The Tory leader has struggled to get much attention for his call for a general election to elect a new Parliament to go along with a new Speaker.

Actually, Robinson, his calls have been all over the media and the blogosphere for fucking days. Just because you've been instructed to supress them, doesn't mean anyone else will.

But then we get to what's really bothering him:

This, despite the fact that he is working in partnership with the Sun.

Well, mi-aow. Doesn't 'ee talk to oo' then, Nicky? Does he spend all his time with the naughty Sun? Don't you get any nice leaks for your little reports? Won't the nasty Tories play with you?

That's because you, Robinson, are a fucking partisan Labour lickspittle.

Hazel's in trouble now

Dramatic developments tonight. Gordon Brown has described cabinet minister Hazel Blears' expenses claim as "totally unacceptable behaviour".

And? And? She's fired? She's got to "step down"? The ol' bill are on their way? She's been placed on - say it ain't so - suicide watch?

No, no, nothing as vulgar as any of that. Just the lash of those caustic words from the Prime Minister.

Well, that's sorted her out. She's probably lying in one of her beds, trembling; her nuts clicking together as she shivers, even as we speak.

For fucks sake. So that's her punishment is it? To have a man despised by the majority of the nation say something a bit rude about her? To be condemned by the condemned? Yup. Seems so.

Apparently, its all tickety-fucking-boo, because, wait for it:

"..she has not broken the law, she has not broken the rules of the House of Commons.."

Oh, right. Gordon, unaware that he has lost his audience, witters on:

"It is unacceptable behaviour and she has accepted it as unacceptable behaviour .. It was totally unacceptable behaviour. I do not support it .. It is inappropriate for people to do it but it is not, as you will know by looking at in detail, against the law or against the rules of the House at the moment. That's why we are discussing the changes we are doing"

So strong, so firm, so decisive. Couldn't you just melt into his arms, ladies?

Well, its all very fucking clear now. Tomorrow, CF intends to dash into John Lewis, grab a 40" LCD Television, and dash out again.

If apprehended, CF will gladly admit that his behaviour was "totally unacceptable", give the television back to the panting security guards, and go on his way.

Isn't it fucking great now that everything's so very clear?

UPDATE: rumour has it that she's currently heading to her constituency, even though she's due in the House this afternoon. Could it be that she's decided to do what Gordon didn't have the guts to?

Eight things I hate

Constantly Furious' blog continues its meteoric ascendancy into the upper levels of the Blogosphere. First there was the rave review from Iain Dale (caution, may contain sarcasm);

Then the blog gained its very first resident comments troll, the brave and famous 'Anonymous' , who claims to be "..standing up and being counted" Huh?

And now CF has been tagged, by the inestimable Rab C Nesbit, for the "Eight things I hate" game.

Being a mild mannered and reasonable man, there's not many things that CF can be said to hate, but .. hang on .. that's bollocks .. amongst the myriad things that make CF furious are:

  1. Chicken Korma: just like a real curry, but with added milk and sugar (and no spices). So, more like chicken fucking porridge then. Why the fuck would you go to a curry house, then order that shit? If that's the only curry you can manage, bring some fucking Cow & Gate next time.

  2. 'Anonymous' comments on blogs. Especially when they're wildly aggressive or pointlessly contentious. What the fuck is the matter with you? If you think your opinion has any value, put a name by it. Make up a name, for fucks sake, if you're that worried your boss/mummy/constituency will find out. Otherwise, stop wasting our time. No-one cares what Anonymous thinks.

  3. Cyclists on the road, when there's a perfectly good, wide, smooth cycle-path, that I also paid for (along with the road you're blocking) sitting empty six fucking feet away? Do you want me to knock you off your stupid carbon fibre fucking toy? Bad enough when you cycle alone, but fucking infuriating when you choose to hold a cycle race, on the A1, on Bank Holiday weekend.

  4. Big Brother: why in the name of God have we put a bunch of mentally disturbed people, criminals and sociopaths into a pretend house together? And, even if we have, why are we sitting up all night to watch them argue about fucking pasta?

  5. That bloody blue cotton shirt, which is apparently the only bloody shirt in the wardrobe suitable for a dinner party; the collar never stays down and what the fuck is it made out of? Even outdoors, in winter, it's far too fucking hot. Can it not be replaced? Or even augmented with another? Why is it always this one?

  6. Facebook: "Which Spice Girl are you?", "Look ,it's the back of my mates head", "Which 1950's American car are you", "Join the campaign for more sunshine", "Which sexually transmitted disease are you?" Who the fuck cares?

  7. PC World: I want to buy a laptop. I know a fuck sight more about this one then you do, perhaps because you're apparently 11 years old. Why aren't you in school? I've already pointed to the one I want. Why have I got to stand here for fifteen minutes while we wait for the only fucking person in the shop authorised to go round the back to see if there are any in stock? And why, dear god why, am I now leaning over the counter, borrowing the shop's 'phone to wait in the queue on a hotline to cancel the extra fucking cover you just sold me even though I said , I SAID, I didn't fucking want it.

  8. The movie "The Royal Tenenbaums". What a fucking stupid film. CF left the cinema about 20 minutes in and went for a beer, alone, rather than watch that desperately pretentious, deeply unfunny crap. Can't even bear to watch clips from it. What a royal fucking waste of everyone's time.

Dear god, its difficult to keep the blood pressure down.

Now, part of the game is to pass the meme on. CF thinks it might be a laugh to pass it to some Lib-Dems. After all, they never get angry about anything, right there in the middle 'n' all. It'd be fun to see Lib-Dems do some hatin'. Take it away Charlotte "influential" Gore and Mark "friend of Polly" Thompson at Mark Reckons.

The reluctant Speaker

UPDATE: And he's gone. The Speaker resigns. As CF's new resident comments troll points out, that makes the story below "a non-story squared". CF's not hugely bothered by that, as there be one less trougher in the House tonight. Mind you, we don't know when yet. Don't believe the bastard 'til the corpse has stopped twitching.
Traditionally, a newly elected speaker (or, in recent years, the latest Labour stooge) pretends to show reluctance to take on the role, and has to play at being 'dragged' to the chair.

This dates back to the time when the speaker had good reason to be reluctant: he was responsible for reporting back to the Monarch and a speaker delivering bad news could find themselves just as headless as the current government.

Oh, if only that still held true; CF would pay a lot of money for a front row seat on the Mall, to watch the venal fuckwit Martin being beheaded. Ideally with a very blunt axe.

CF suspects that, along with his piss-poor understanding of Parliamentary protocols (after only 10 years in the role - what the fuck were all those "fact finding" trips for?), Gorbals Mick has little understanding of the traditions of the house.

He's completely misunderstood - he obviously thinks he's supposed to show reluctance to leave the role. And, shit, isn't he doing that well?


No confidence? Time to speak up

The plan is coming together. Old Holborn is in full creative flow. This Saturday, 23rd May:

"Come and tell the fraudster MPs what you think of them. Bring saucepans, kettles, drums, horns, whistles. We've had enough. Our taxes have been ripped off by bankers demanding bailouts for their champagne lifestyles; now the MPs are laughing in our faces with their brazen claims: for moat clearance; grouse-beaters; helipads; swimming pools; fur-lined loo seats; mole-traps; and claims for imaginary mortgages!
The summer of middle-class rage starts now! And working-class rage? you ain't seen nothing yet!"

"Dress code: Guy Fawkes, the only man ever to enter Parliament with honourable intentions."

Tragically, CF can't make it to this one, but his raging spirit ("I am CF's raging spirit") will be roaming the square.


How stupid are the public?

By 'public', CF means the 95% of the public that seems to choose to live their lives through the medium of Facebook, rather than opening the fucking door, going outside and stepping into the sunshine.

By joining Facebook -- and particularly by signing up to the fucking endless fucking stupid quizzes ("which Friends character are you?"; "which colour jelly baby are you?"; "which infection of the urinary tract are you?") -- these people are advertising their own terminal stupidity and gullibility, and asking to be suckered and abused every waking minute of their vacuous lives.

The latest festival of imbecility to unfold before CF's disbelieving eyes is the creation of a protest group, dedicated to the stamping out the .. well, let them tell you :

"Stop the usage of dogs as live bait for sharks!"

Note the obligatory exclamation mark: that tells you just how important this is. Something must be done. Look at that poor doggie. Did you know:

"Innocent dogs (LIVE!) Are used as bait to catch sharks, and are dragged behind the boats.
Defend the rights of animals and help us putting the word "end" to this inhumane practice on the island of Reunion. We will ask the French Government to ensure that this never happens again."

In fact, its just a pathetic attempt to get the people to come to the spam, rather than vice versa, and the homepage tries to redirect everyone to some classic "make $$$ working from home" bullshit..

But has anybody noticed? Have they fuck. They're lapping it up.

How many people have joined this oh-so-worthy cause, to stamp out this evil (albeit entirely fucking imaginary) practice? 59,804 at the last reckoning. Fifty fucking nine thousand. Dear god.

The voice of the people? Democracy? There must be a better way.


Mr Speaker - you're a fool

CF is watching the shambolic proceedings in the House with mounting anger.

Having stumbled through his prepared statement, the Speaker is now under attack.

But no-one can land a punch on the slippery bastard: he's twisting the rules, abusing his position and refusing to allow criticism or even debate.

Every question is dodged, deflected or ignored, in a style Brown would be proud of.

Even though he's clung onto the post for fucking years, the idiot still had to lean over and whisper with one of his little helpers, to check he'd answered a question on procedure correctly. Dear god.

Sir Stuart Bell has just hauled himself onto his hind legs to support the idiot, pompously chuffing:

"There has never been, in the history of this House, such an attack on the Speaker"

Perhaps that's because there has never been, in the history of this House, such a venal, partisan, incompetent fuckwit as this Speaker.


Guido is wrong

Guido Fawkes is the most-read, the best connected and the most famousest blogger in all the world. His posts are read by opinion-formers across the land. His merest word can make or break an MP. His least utterance .. well, you get the picture.

However, in spite of this, CF finds himself in the position today of completely disagreeing with every fucking word of this post.

In the post, Guido suggests that we must all 'punish' the mainstream parties by voting for minority parties. He's quite clear on how this is to be done:

"No party is perfect, but if your sympathies are to the left, this election is the time to vote Green, if your sympathies are to the right, time to vote UKIP, if you are more centrist, perhaps Libertas deserves your vote. "

So, everyone has an alternative, and all without involving the nasty BNP. But hang on, why should we switch parties? According to Guido:

"That would punish the major parties."

Punish them how, exactly? Voting is anonymous, and so changing your vote is, by definition, ANONYMOUS. No-one from the party you didn't vote for is able to contact you to ask you why you didn't vote for them, or what they need to do to get you back, are they? They can't.

None of those other, for want of a better phrase, Mickey Mouse parties is going to win (well, not significantly) so all that you'll be doing in most cases is effectively not voting. You may as well spoil your ballot paper, or even stay in bed.

And if we do do as GF suggests, and all readers of his blog decide to withdraw their votes from the big three, then effectively there's no swing, no change of seats and everything stays the fucking same. That's hardly going to "learn 'em", is it?

CF suggests a different approach. If you really care, don't wait for the election: take action yourself, now. Join the party you would have voted for before the expenses shambles.

Become an active, vociferous member.

If your chosen party's local MP is a proven trougher, demand their deselection: force a by-election. If your chosen party is not in power locally, make sure your prospective candidate is clean and trustworthy, then support them, help them, canvas for them, do all you can to get them elected.

Sounds a bit too much like hard work? Not got the time for all that? Would prefer to just move your biro down by an inch or so once every few years? Want to make your protest easily, without breaking sweat, without giving up your own valuable time?

Thought so...


This might have been funny..

Matt's cartoon in the Daily Telegraph should have raised a little smile.

But in fact, it only serves to make CF even angrier.

Firstly, in spite of the fact that numerous laws have been broken, in spite of thieves like Elliot Morley and crooks like David Chaytor, its a safe bet that not one of these fuckers is going to end up in jail.

Secondly, if one of the bastards did, so shameless are they that they would probably do exactly what the cartoon suggests.

Not laughing anymore...


A bottomless pit of dishonesty?

And tonight's thieving bastard is .... David Chaytor. No, CF has never heard of him either.

But he's just leapt to fame as the latest to be named 'n' shamed (well, named - shame doesn't seem to happen with these gits) as the latest egregious consumer of taxpayers' money.

Although this one looks less like a pig than Elliot Whatshisface, who should be in prison by now (what, he isn't? he didn't even resign? Fuck me), he shares a taste for the trough.

What did you do, Davey C? Well, according to the Daily Telegraph:

"..between September, 2005, and August. 2006, Mr Chaytor claimed £1,175 a month for mortgage interest on a Westminster flat. However, Land Registry records show that the mortgage on the flat had already been paid off in January 2004. "

The fucking twat. Once again, "a mortgage already paid off": quite a polite way of describing a cost you claimed back that doesn't fucking exist. You know, like a meal you never ate, or a taxi you never took. A conscience you never had. A moral compass you never owned.

The whole sorry affair is getting depressingly repetitive now. Doubtless this numpty will appear on breakfast TV tomorrow, blame "the rules", claim to have paid "some" of the money back and then temporarily step down as Head of the Romeny Marsh and Dungeness Badger Appreciation Society, whilst conveniently forgetting to resign as an MP.

Dear God, is this pit fucking bottomless?


The Green Book is "My Bible" says Muslim MP. Ha!

So, the 'Justice' minister Malik has stepped down. Good.

Pity he didn't resign as an MP, or hurl himself into the Thames, but all in good time.

CF is surprised he waited as long as he did to quit.

Perhaps he felt he needed a couple more hours to make a total arse of himself on various TV news shows, and ensure that we all knew exactly how not sorry he was.

Ironic that he doesn't feel sorry; he's got more to be sorry about than most. This little piggy was the outright winner of the 'MP's screwing the taxpayer' award in 2008, run by Letters From a Tory. LFAT has done all the maths:

"the clear winner of the award for the MP who cost the taxpayer the most money is… Shahid Malik from the Labour Party! He cost you and me £185,421 in a single year, which was £7,300 more than any other MP in the entire country"

So, you tosser, a little bit of humility might not have gone amiss today, eh?

He also tried to combine his non-apology with an attack on the Tories: saying that while he acknowledged his 1000 pound television might seem like "a lot of money" to his constituents (no shit?), at least "it wasn't a tennis court". You twat.

And, while he pledged to donate the cash he claimed for the television to 'worthy local causes' in his constituency, he made sure to remind us

"I am not doing it because I have done anything wrong.."

Thanks for clearing that up, you cock.

He also said that, as an MP, the official expenses fiddlers' manual known as the Green Book was "our bible". So, Malik, as a Muslim, we know exactly how much attention you're going to pay to that then, don't we? Fuckwit.

CF is not remotely surprised at the total silence from Gordon Brown on this: either he's maintaining his usual stubborn, in denial, silence or -- more likely -- he's as speechless as the rest of us.

Letters From a Tory is not speechless though; let a quote from him close this piece:

"You are the victim, the system is wrong, you were within the rules, blah blah blah. Grow up, you pathetic excuse for a decent and honest politician"

CF couldn't put it better himself.


Telegraph near the bottom of the barrel?

Cover of An Honourable Deception, featuring a ...

It seems quite exciting, at first glance, this latest drip in the seemingly endless drip-drip-drip of the Daily Telegraph's revelations of MP's expenses. The headline shouts:

"Clare Short makes excessive claim for mortgage payment"

Directly beneath this exciting statement, the Telegraph adds:

"Clare Short, the former international development secretary, admitted claiming thousands of pounds of taxpayers’ money to which she was not entitled within months of standing down as a Cabinet minister"

Game on! We've got a story here. The BBC are already headlining this shocker. Pass me that pitchfork. We march at midnight. .

But .. wait .. hang on.

Those without Attention Deficit Disorder, and without Anything Better To Do, can read further, when the magic begins to wear off. A good story is spoiled by the tedious intrusion of, dammit, facts.

Several years ago, she over-claimed on her mortgage, having become confused (bless) on the difference between interest payments and principal repayments.

The over-claims were picked up by the fees office

".. in May, 2006, when she was asked to provide a mortgage statement. A month later she wrote, agreeing to repay £8,436"

Clare Short is a silly bitch, and CF couldn't care less if she lives, dies, or ascends to the skies in a golden chariot, but quite frankly, this is a non-story. She paid the money back promptly, three years ago.

And this was worth holding on to for eight, long, tiring, repetitive days?

That noise you can hear is the scraping of the bottom of the barrel.

Dangling Balls

The Daily Telegraph is teasing us, yet again, by hinting at the next targets for its glacially slow, terminally smug expose of the expenses scandal:

"The eighth day of The Daily Telegraph’s investigation into the abuse of the House of Commons allowances will also shed light on MPs who are married to other MPs"

Jesus, is it only the eighth day? It feels like this has been dragging on since the late Sixties, for fuck's sake. But anyway, perk up, nearly there, one last big push, anyway, sorry, what were you saying, DT?

"..shed light on MPs who are married to other MPs"

Oh, yes. This must mean we're finally going to hear about Ed 'Blinky' Balls and Yvette 'Mrs Balls' Cooper.

Regulars with long memories will recall how we wished to see those Balls in a Vice, and how last night we became convinced that they must be extremely Sweaty Balls, but perhaps tonight this speculation will be brought to a close.

There were rumours last night that an injunction had been overturned, then rumours today that there was no injunction. Those Balls seem to know something's up, because they've either decided to lie very low, been abducted by aliens or gone to live in Lima.

CF is beginning to feel that, given the amount of hype that has been generated, and the feverish levels of expectation now current, anything less than the revelation that the golden couple have been buying kittens on expenses , buggering them, strangling them, then cooking them on a barbecue that we paid for, fueled with fifty pound notes, then washing this meal down with large glasses of freshly squeezed dolphin tears, is going to be quite disappointing.

So, Daily Telegraph, do your worst. Bring it on.


Elliot Morley is going to prison

More MP's expenses sleaze from the Daily Telegraph. And, no, it wasn't Ed 'n' Yvette last night - Those Sweaty Balls will have to sweat it out for another night, wherever they're hiding.

But it was the worst so far. According to the Daily Telegraph:

"Former Labour minister Elliot Morley claimed parliamentary expenses of more than £16,000, continuing to claim for mortgage interest on his constituency home for 18 months after the loan had been repaid"

"after the loan had been repaid" is putting it mildly - "when there was no such fucking loan" might be a bit clearer.

MP for Scunthorpe (and shoo-in for the part of Wilbur in Charlotte's Web - The Movie) Morley told the BBC (who doubtless patted his trotter sympathetically and offered him some licence-payer-funded biscuits) that he had "paid some back" (some? some?) and it had been "a mistake which he felt terrible about"

The poor bastard.

The former environment minister said the mistake was "entirely his fault", that he "should have kept a tighter rein" and that he felt "terrible about the situation". Yes, yes, and good.

Mr Morley was said by sources to have been "distraught and heartbroken". Excellent. If you feel bad now, wait til the 'cuffs go on.

And go on they must. This is different. This is clearly fraud and clearly theft.

This isn't Lord Boffington-Woffington getting his drawbridge oiled, or Ron Leninspart finally getting the 50 inch plasma he's always coveted. This is plain, simple fucking theft.

This a bloke in a bar saying "Yeah, I dropped that tenner" when he knows he didn't.

This isn't pushing the boundaries, this is breaking the fucking law. This isn't piling up your bowl too high in the salad bar at Pizza Hut: its grabbing the till, and an armful of pizzas from the kitchen, and running off.

So, there's lots to do this morning. We want:

  • A statement from his constituency, telling us he's been de-selected;
  • A statement from Gordon (yeah, right), telling us that the whip has been withdrawn, and that Morley is no longer a member of the Labour Party;
  • A statement from the Police, telling us what at time today they plan to arrest Morley;
  • and one for luck: a statement from the Speaker: this happened on your watch; time to step down, Mick.

And we want them all by 11am today. Thanks.

Sweaty Balls

Rumours are swirling, whispers growing louder. Will Ed 'Blinky' Balls and Yvette 'Mrs Balls' Cooper be finally nailed for expenses fraud? They've got previous according to, well everybody. Even Wikipedia describes how they were:

"accused of "breaking the spirit of Commons rules" by using MPs' allowances to help pay for a £655,000 home in north London. It was alleged that they bought a four-bed house in North London, and registered this as their second home (rather than their home in West Yorkshire) in order to qualify for up to £44,000 a year to subsidise a reported £438,000 mortgage. This is despite both spouses working in London full-time and their children attending local London schools"

But they were only breaking the spirit (what the fuck?) so they were (probably) given a new hat each and their bus fare home, rather than a richly deserved kicking.

Earlier, in Balls in a Vice, CF fervently hoped that these smug gits would be brought to rights for their repeated double troughing:

Just have a closer look at their smug, well-fed faces. Just think of them relaxing between the silky sheets that we paid for, perhaps sipping some champagne from lead-crystal glasses that were deemed essential for 'entertaining'.

Gazing out over a well-kept garden, a small team toiling on the flower beds, happy in the knowledge that the faint noise in the background is the value of 'their' investments ticking steadily upwards. Revelling in the fact that two claimants can cover all the gaps, make sure nothing is accidentally - ugh - paid for.

We're all waiting, even the Balls themselves, although they appear to have been waiting this one out on the fucking moon, so complete has been their total disappearance. Dizzy Thinks it'll be soon:

"There seem to be rumours going around that the Telegraph expenses stories are going to wrap up shortly with the much expected "Couples" addition"

And yes, justice may be about to arrive (albeit years late). This evening, according to Old Holborn

"It is being reported that a high court injunction against them by a certain Mr Edward Ballsup and four Labour Ministers stopping publication of something or other has just been overturned"

Bet those Balls are pretty sweaty now.


"Pay It Back" - It's happening

The biggest yet result for The Pay It Back Campaign: Care Services Minister Phil Hope announced he would write a cheque for £41,709 to cover the cost of the furniture and fittings he claimed.

Accroding to the Daily Telegraph:

"The Corby and East Northants MP said that his announcement was unrelated to fears over his slender 1,517 majority – and said he should be able to find the money "within a week or so""

? Yeah right. That's the power we have over you. And don't forget, troughers: We're doing the 'Independent Scrutiny' now, before the tame committee opens the whitewash tins.

As CF said before:

"Write a cheque .. we'll all know exactly what kind of an MP and person you are, how we feel about you specifically (rather than the troughing class as a whole) and whether we'll let you keep your job. The 'Court of Public Opinion', if you will.

Feel free to pay it all back just for good publicity even though you secretly don't think you should - at least we'll have our money back. Pay back as little, or as much, as you're willing to justify personally."

Looks like Phil Hope was paying attention.