Many people think that our Special Relationship with America is over.

That after Tony Blair was forced to get off of his knees and stop fellating George Dubya, the USA zipped up its 'pants' and turned its great fat back on us.

That after Gordon Brown chased Saint Obama all over the Whitehouse, begging "just a kiss, oh go on, juat a kiss", they thought just a little bit less of us.

But no. Enormous American conglomerate and money-grubbing censorship-monkeys Google don't think that. Even though they're sitting over there in California - on enormous mounds of dollar bills - they still know that there's a U of K out there.

They even know that we've got a General Election going. And, to mark the occasion they've changed their homepage:

So there you have it. Actual proof that America acknowledges our existence.

Kinda makes you proud, don't it?

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Look everyone, this is Becky. What a nice looking lady. And she looks like she might have no clothes on, too.

Those of you who are interested in that sort of thing need to buy a copy of today's Sun, and turn to page 3, where Becky is showing us .. well .. everything.

For those who are more interested in sustaining an enormous election, Becky has something too.

Yes: Becky, although she hasn't remembered to put on any clothes, has remembered the lessons that political history teaches us.

Becky has thought - long and hard - about our elections, and she's worried that this election might not give her all that she wants.

To quote from the speech bubble that is hovering a lot nearer Becky's anatomy than most of us will ever get:

"Becky is concerned by the prospect of electoral reform in a hung parliament"

Are you, sweetheart? Oh dear. Well, cop hold of this, and tell us why, would you?

"In legislatures with proportional representation, minority or coalition government is often the norm."

Really? Well, do tell us more, darlin'.

"I'd hate to live in a country like Italy that has had 61 governments in 65 years - even if I do love Italian food."

Lessons in politics from a topless model?

For fuck's sake...


(tip of the hat to manic at bloggerheads for this one)

Our friends from North of the Border are not happy. In fact, the Scottish Nationalists are 'furious': they've not been allowed to appear in the the finals of EleX-factor, the great debate.

So very furious are the party that they're going to do what every normal British person does these days when they can't get exactly what they want, exactly when they want it: they're going to sue someone.

After raising £50,000 to fund their court battle, the party will this morning lodge papers at the Court of Session in Edinburgh. SNP deputy leader Nicola Sturgeon will go to the court to hand over the papers, which doubtless open with the phrase so beloved of the self-diagnosed-disadvantaged: 'It's no' fair!'

Apparently, the party is seeking a 'judicial review' of the BBC decision to exclude it from Thursday night's grand final, where particpants will be singing a medley of Michael Jackson hits. 'Aye, judge, we want oor turn'.

The SNP would like Alex Salmond to be included in the debate, presumably so that he can inform the United Kingdom what he and his six fellow MP's will do when they somehow .. err ... hold the majority of seats in the UK parliament after the General Election.

They don't think it's right or balanced for the debate to proceed with just the three party leaders already booked to appear.

The poor, deluded sods have only got one chance.

If Gordon Brown and his advisors admitted to themselves that, every time his grey and gurning face appears on television, Labour haemorrhage thousands more votes; and if David Cameron and his advisors admit that, every time he appears on television, the camera shows him for the shiny public relations weasel he really is, things might change.

If the lightbulbs came on over their heads, two out of the three parties involved in the debate would realise that yet another one of these festivals of arse was ill-advised in the extreme.

They'd realise that the only real beneficiary of these debates has ever been Nick Smugg; and who cares what he thinks?

If that were the case, then there would be a lot of not-very-subtle pressure on the BBC (behind the scenes, naturally) to have the final debate cancelled.

But that wouldn't happen, would it?

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Surely, surely, CF is not alone in being heartily sick and tired of seeing - everywhere he fucking well looks - the clegg face of Nick Smugg?

With only a few days left in the General Election campaign, and with the Great British Public still undecided as to whether to fart or wind its watch, the media bombardment is unceasing. And, as a result, it's virtually impossible to escape the gurning visage of Britain's favourite Dutch-Russian wannabe Prime Minster, the Boy Clegg.

Following his success in the latest edition of the watched-by-less-people-than-Doctor-Who debates, the semi-finals of EleX-factor, Nick's rather full of himself.

The phrase 'King-maker' has apparently gone to his head, and we're treated to daily pronoucements of how it's gonna be, how parliament will work, under the benevolent rule of Lord Clegg. Which feels rather like the mouse in CF's kitchen telling him where he should leave the cheese tonight.

But - as ever - leave it to the writers of the Daily Mash to sum up the Lib Dem's attitude and approach, far better than CF ever could:

"Meanwhile Lib Dem sensation Nick Clegg has insisted it would be 'preposterous' if the next prime minster came from the party which comes third but has the largest number seats, stressing it should obviously be the party which comes second and has the smallest number of seats."

Well, yeah.

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What the fuck does Michael Gove eat for breakfast? Whatever is, CF would like a bowl of it: the eevil Tory was on sparkling form this morning.

It's not many politicians who can get the better of the Today programme's John Humphrys, but Gove managed to hand him his arse on a plate in just ten minutes today.

Gove had been got out of bed early to discuss the words of Paul Carter, a Tory council leader who had apparently criticised the party's policy on education.

Gove took the wind out of Humph's sails straight away, by revealing that he'd spoken with Carter already. "What, since we spoke with him?" asked Humphrys, outraged to have his scoop scooped. Oh yes.

Humph' was then further unbalanced by the inevitable, should-have-been-forseen claim that Carter's words had been taken "out of context" and that - of course - he actually completely supported the Tory policy.

But don't worry, added Gove, phasers set to 'patronize', it's "..understandable at election time that the BBC would be keen to create a story like this". "Create?" spluttered Humph', but Gove had moved on.

Humphrys stepped up a gear, and began to throw in some tougher questions. Gove swatted them away, pointing out that Johnny was merely repeating Labour smears: "You're better than that, John" he added. Shame it wasn't televison: we couldn't actually see Johnny going puce with rage, but he surely was.

As Humph' got madder and madder, Gove continued, banging out the soundbites, pouring scorn on Labour and ploughing through the endless attempted interruptions.

When Humph' finally got another question in, Gove calmly dismissed it as "..your elegant argument..", then dodged it anyway

As Gove continued, Humph' sulkily pointed out that this was "..not a party election broadcast".

No, agreed Gove, it's an interview where I tell you about Tory thinking.

"We'll you've had ten minutes for that" pouted Johnny petulantly.

"Most of which has been taken up with you asking me questions" replied Gove, smoothly.

"Well, we'll change the system" said Humph' sarcastically

"No, we'll change the system.." replied Gove, going on to deliver the remainder of his set text, with Humphrys reduced to spluttering impotently in the background.

So rattled was the nation's favourite interrupter that he could barely managed to bring the interview to a close. He just could not stop Gove, who must be very pleased with his ten minutes' work today.

If (and it is if) Humph' allows the BBC to put the interview online, CF will update with the link.

Most excellent listening.


++ Update ++    Hat-tip to commenter 'enslaver' who reckons you can listen here.
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As any person of consequence and tone is well aware, blogger Old Holborn is standing for Parliament in Cambridge in the coming General Election.

He announced via his blog that he was going to be canvassing in Cambridge today: "Feel free to ask me awkward questions".

CF lives in the area, and the intentions were good: go to the town marketplace and become a part of the political process. Ask questions. Share views. Take part.

But the meadow by the river in Granchester, just at the edge of town, was so peaceful, and the sun was so very warm, and the beer in the cool box was so very, very cold that .. somehow .. the day seems to have slipped away.

And after all, politics are important, but they're not that important...

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At the end of a long, misguided and ultimately futile war, the misguided and insane Authoritarian leader Adolf Hitler eventually retreated to his bunker and took his own life.

It appears that the Labour Party intend to take a leaf out of that his book, and do exactly the same. Party suicide. End of the road.

Well, how else can you explain the fact that Labour have announced that from now on, Gordon Brown will be a "a more visible presence" in their general election.

What? What the fuck? Broon is the main reason the whole campaign's floundering in the first place, and the main reason that Labour stand no chance of victory.

He's got a personal popularity rating deeply in negative figures, sitting in the league tables just below Bernard Manning, and giving family butcher Fred West a good run for his money.

He is also completely, utterly incapable of interaction with other human beings. His manic fake grin would scare highly-trained police horses into bolting, for fuck's sake: imagine if he tried to kiss a baby?

When asked the simplest of questions he reels off enormous lists of irrelevant and largely false statistics: how's that going to go down on the doorstep when some old dear asks why her winter fuel allowance hasn't come through and has a huge list of imaginary investments in military equipment bellowed at her in a Scottish accent?

So surely, putting the man the most of the country loves to hate at the forefront of a failing campaign is a not-very-subtle way of raising the white flag, while simultaneously rummaging through the pockets for the cyanide capsules? Surely?

Or do they still think they can win this? Let's ask that most mindlessly loyal of Labourites, salad-dodging, toilet-breaking John Prescott, shall we? When asked on Radio 4 if thought Labour were currently on course to "storm ahead to a great victory", Prescott replied:

"No they're not - but you've got to fight for it.."

And if Prezza's given up, it's really is the end.

Pass the Labour Party that service revolver, would you?

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Last night, as Brown stumbled and mumbled through his carefully crafted soundbites, one that he did remember, through the haze of strong medication, was the claim that CallMeDave Cameron favours "a big society at home, but Little Britain abroad".

Proof that this little nugget was pre-cooked came within seconds, when this oh-so-hilarious poster was released from the Labour bunker:




Oh, our poor, aching sides.  However, not to be out-done, the other group of Oscar Wildes over in CCHQ wittily riposted with their own effort:




Oh! With this wit, this satire, you're spoiling us. Such a banquet of levity! Please, stop with the jokes.

No, really.


(tip of the hat to the Staggers, who unsurprisingly interpret the exchange entirely differently)

Too nice a day for lengthy blog activity - either writing or reading.

However, this video, whipped from playpolitical.com,  is the perfect summary of the Leaders' debate:





Yup, that was it. Eck-fucking-zactly.

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From Stephen Allison, UKIP Councillor in Hartlepool, on twitter:

"Unlike Samantha Cameron and Sarah Brown, Miriam Clegg has stayed out of the media spotlight, mainly by standing next to her husband."

Oh, ahahahahahahaha!


++ Update ++   It seems that Mr. Allison may have been being a little 'derivative': according to commenter PJH ,the quote is from the utterly hilarious 'Vote Now Show' on the utterly value-for-money BBC Radio 4.  Oh well. Still very funny though.



(tip of the hat to W's from W)