Mandelson: oops, he did it again

The Prince of Darkness, the "cuddly pussycat", my Lord High Mandelson, is a smooth operator. As he climbs the slippery rungs of power, he rarely puts a foot wrong.

But even the most cunning are not infallible, and it seems that his Lordship may have tripped up.

Lord Mandelson announced over the weekend that, as a result of his taking responsibility for 'Digital Policy' - and in spite of a recent government Digital Britain report saying otherwise - that one of 'his' governments main aims is to make life unpleasant for those who download films and music from the internet without paying.

Because that's what's really dragging this once-great nation down, isn't it? Never mind the recession, the bloated public sector and soaring crime, eh? What really keeps CF awake at night is wondering if Lady Gaga is getting all of her royalties.

According to Foy-Boy, in future those who indulge in this most heinous of crimes will be fined an entirely reasonable 50,000 pounds or - much, much worse - have their Internet connection cut off. If the perpetrator is too young to pay the fine, no problems - the parents will be pursued instead.

So how did this sudden epiphany come about for Peter? Is this something that always been close to his evil black heart? Was he moved after finding a former Spice Girl begging at a tube-station? Was my Lord visited by an angel, looking rather like Robbie Williams, in his dreams? Nah.

Mandelson 'decided' that the poor, innocent, beleaguered music and film industries needed a dose of Labour 'real help' after meeting David Geffen, a Hollywood mogul, in the Rothschild's sumptuous luxury villa in Corfu.

So that's just fucking nice, isn't it? A man who has made millions from the movies sat down with a man who has somehow acquired millions whilst in politics, in the luxury villa of a family also worth millions, and discussed how they might prevent teenagers downloading the latest Girls Aloud track without paying 1 pound and 79 fucking pence for it.

Mandy then trotted back to the UK, dabbed the champagne from his chin, and announced, in traditional Labour style, "something must be done".

Big mistake, Manders. Lets look at what you've achieved here, shall we?

Firstly, you've proved, yet again, that you are so fucking enthralled by the wealthy, and so eager to penetrate their social circles (pardon the innuendo), that you will eagerly indulge their every fucking whim. No need for vulgar lobbying - just get Mandy over to supper, a quiet word over the oysters and bingo! Tailor-made legislation. "I have a little chap who alters my suits for me, and another little chap who alters the law for me".

Secondly, you managed to open up another rift within your own party. Tom Watson, former Minister for Digital Engagement, and somewhat more "down with the kids" than you, Mandlebum, immediately expressed his doubts, saying that anyone trying to stop the dodgy downloads was "like King Canute". There's a ringing endorsement, eh? Watch your back, Tom.

But thirdly, Mandy, and worse yet, you've managed to piss off a vast number of young voters and potential voters. You know, the ones you should be trying to woo bcause everyone else is fucking sick of you?

The kids who spend most of their waking hours staring into a laptop, uploading endless mobile phone photos of themselves ("me 'n' shaz, two minutes ago; wicked!!!!") are exactly the same kids whose MP3 players are bursting with dodgy downloads.

And now what? Great Uncle Mandy has managed to piss off the online audience.

Such a shame for the new eLabour, eh? They've only just launched their Internet spin team, who have, it must be said, had some success astro-turfing the #welovethenhs campaign. Teams of enthusiastic Labour activists sat late into the night, pounding Twitter, Facebook and Blogger with carefully engineered soundbites.

All for naught: already last night Facebook was filling up with new angry messages. Way to engage the yoof, Mandy! They'd never thought about politics before, but now, as 'Max', a student and Facebook buddy of CF's, says, "'s why i'm not voting labour anytime soon..".

Oh dear. As Britney puts it, on CF's download of her first album, "Ooops, I did it again.."



JuliaM said...

The news that Kerry McCarthy has been appointed a "Twitter tsar" should help to put the cap on Labour's ambitions with regards to their Internet campaign.

Can the team of McCarthy, Mandelson and Prescott do even more damage to Labour's chances than Gordon Brown? It'll be close...

Mark Thompson said...

Very good post. The government will very much regret it if they go down this road.

Tom Watson has it spot on and it's not often I say that about a government bag-carrier.

Rob said...

I've had nightmares of being fucked by Mandelson, but didn't see it coming this way. Good thing I'm behind seven proxies!

Anonymous said...

Without condoning pirate downloads the fact is the music industry has got to come to terms with how it is going to do business in the post download age. They screwed their customer base for long enough and their excesses in the 80's are legendary.The artists and music companies who devise business strategies which allow for downloading "illegal" or otherwise are the ones who are going to suceed in the years to come. Anything else is pissing into the wind.

Anonymous said...

As usual the Mash are succinct and straight to the point

Lady Virginia Droit de Seigneur said...

Good post - Mandy's a cunt basically