Slow Children?


On the daily trip to the railway station, to start his long, expensive and tedious commute, Constantly Furious drives past a large school.

Naturally, given the overwhelming urge the State feels to 'invest' in the protection of the chiiiiiilllldren from the rest of us, it is near impossible to navigate that short stretch of road, owing to plethora of speed bumps, road narrowing and flashing electronic signs that infest it.

Gadgets, doubtless costing thousands of pounds, measure your speed and then - because an old fashioned speed limit sign is clearly no longer good enough - flash at you sternly to slow down even more.

CF would be impressed if even Lewis fucking Hamilton could pick his way through the rats' nest of jutting kerbs, central islands and white paint at more than 30mph, but Nanny knows best, eh?

And all this, even though the school is set well back behind a grassed area and a car park, a good hundred yards from the road. And the vast majority of kids are delivered by bus, to the doorstep, so they don't miss out on that popular clinical obesity trend the young people seem to enjoy. And there's nothing but fields on the other side of the road, so any 'student' crossing the road would only do so if they had a sudden inexplicable urge to stand in a fucking ploughed field.

Passing this morning, CF noticed the ubiquitous yellow fluorescent jacket of a man-with-a-clipboard. Then another. And another. There's another. In all there were seven people standing beside the road, amid the forest of road signs. Two of them had speed guns, pointing at CF's car.  The speed was noted on the clipboards, probably along with the cars registration, CF's ethnic group and any other 'useful' observations to feed the State's enormous database. CF is surprised he wasn't pulled over to give a fucking DNA sample as well.

So what were they doing, these employees of the state? Why are we paying for seven seemingly healthy working-age adults to don the traditional yellow vest of public sector wages and stand by the road in this small Cambridgeshire village?

CF didn't really have the time or the inclination to stop and chat – later, clipboard monkeys! - but their purpose was obvious.

They were carrying out a little survey, the seven of them, to make sure that we were all obeying the speed signs. To make sure that nobody was roaring past the school and endangering any of the kiddie-winks. Presumably, they will gather later today and collate their results, then pass them to another committee, who will then colllate all-the-teams-across-the-lands' results, then pass them to another commitee to review them. All to ensure that we are all continuing to obey their instructions.

Perhaps, if naughty people are still going too fast, even more road signs will be put up. Perhaps the road could be made even narrower. Perhaps it should be dug up altogether, and replaced with a layer of broken glass and rusty nails, that we really can't drive over at all.

Oh, but we need be absolutely sure, says Nanny, that no-one, no-one, is driving past this school in a way that we think might put the children, the poor, innocent children over there in the distance, in any danger as they make their way to school.

There was only one tiny, tiny, flaw in their plan. One teensy oversight.  One thing that meant these poor fools were wasting their time and, naturally, wasting our money.

It was six fucking thirty in the morning. 

Why, you may wonder, could they not do their survey at 8:30, when the precious children are actually arriving? Or at 4 in the afternoon, when little dears are leaving? Simple: because by then, of course, the road is completely log-jammed, clogged with buses, 4x4’s and teachers’ mopeds. No-one’s breaking any speed limits then.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Nanny State in action. Give me strength.

_

11 comments:

Dippyness. said...

It would be interesting to find out how many people have died as a result of Ambulances/Fire Engines being slowed down by these bloody things.
The totally F**k your suspension & in my opinion, cause more problems than they solve!
Good blog. Agree.

steveshark said...

You should have rung Plod and told them some dodgy looking blokes were hanging about outside the school gates...

Beware of Geeks bearing GIFs said...

There is a school in our town where the council decided to turn a perfectly good two way road into a one way road. They also put up those anti-tard railings to avoid Darwinism in action for the chiiiildren as well as an extended pavement.

Once again, my hard earned cash going to feed these council mongs, the only bit of enjoyment I get from that is to once again watch the Law Of Unintended Consequences in action.

Due to the huge traffic jams resulting in this traffic obstruction, people now take unnecessary risks in flooring it past the school to get in before the oncoming traffic, the encounters often ending up in waved fists, angry gestures and at one time: a full face to face out the car fisticuffs.

Well done council, well done you fucking interfering clusterfucking mongs.

JuliaM said...

"You should have rung Plod and told them some dodgy looking blokes were hanging about outside the school gates..."

Why, indeed! It's your duty as a citizen, after all...

Bwahahahah!

Captain Haddock said...

Re the matter of Ambulances as mentioned by "Dippyness" .. I happen to know that where an Ambulance is required to undertake a "Slow run" i.e. whilst conveying a patient suspected of suffering a neck or spinal injury,time consuming research has to be completed in order to avoid a route containing speed humps or similar "Traffic Calming" measures ..

As for "civilians" or other non-Police people wielding Speed guns .. I only hope they keep them well lubricated .. as the first person to point one at me, is likely to find it being forcibly inserted in his/her rectum ..

Captain Haddock said...

Another thing about Speed humps & their placement reminds me that Windsor & Eton Council spent a great deal of public money on installing lovely, herringbone pattern speed humps all the way up King's Road .. Only to be told that they wouldn't permit the passage of an Army Gun Carriage, in the event of a Royal or State Funeral procession to or from the Castle .. without risk of the coffin becoming dislodged ..

They had to dig them all up & re-lay them to accommodate the wheels of Gun Carriages ..

Yet more public money down the drain .. Grrrr

Anonymous said...

fuck the lot of you. you try driving past my kidds school at ninety miles an hour and see you what you get

a brick through the window of your precouis csr if your lucky

sometimes cf makes sesnse, but not this time

Henry Crun said...

Anon 21:15. No one is advocating driving at 90mph past a school. Go back and read the article again and stop being such a fuckwit.

JuliaM said...

"Go back and read the article again and stop being such a fuckwit."

We've got to read things before we comment now!? When did this rule come in...? ;)

Constantly Furious said...

People read this stuff?

Oooh, I'm pleased.

Longrider said...

Given anon's level of literacy, I think that expecting him to read the article is being a wee bit harsh...