Polly knows what to say


That Polly Toynbee, eh? She thinks - like most of the country - that Gordon Brown should step down. There she is, putting words into Gordon Brown's oddly-shaped mouth; imagining what his resignation speech might sound like. The cheeky bitch.

But actually, she hasn't totally deserted Gordo: she want him to go out in a blaze of glory, reminding the nation of all  the absolutely fantastic things that Broon and the Labour party have done for us.

And it looks like she's got the hang of what makes a typically great Brownian speech. Or any 'great' Labour speech. There are, as we all know by now, some key areas, which must be covered in every speech:

1) attack what the Tories would (not might, would) do;
2) make some empty boasts about achievements of the Labour Government;
3) attack what the Tories might do;
4) .. er ..

There are 11 paragraphs in Polly's pretendy speech. So how does she do, against the template?

Paragraph 1: "I believe I have helped save this country from a depression as bad or worse than the 1930s. I have contributed to the global rescue of banks whose domino collapse threatened a terrifying meltdown".    Yep, that's item 2: Empty boasts about Labour achievements;

Paragraph 2: "Make no mistake, had David Cameron and George Osborne been in power to do what they proposed, the catastrophe doesn't bear thinking about". And yes, item 1 there: attack what the Tories might do; She's going well, isn't she?

Paragraph 3: "Yet Cameron and Osborne are bent on doing just that, turning their 'Broken Britain' fallacy into a horrible reality". There it is again: attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 4: "I cannot stand by and let the Conservatives do it again – same blueprint, same economic errors". And again, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 5: "I have done my utmost. I am proud of so much that Labour has done, money well spent after decades of neglect". The Tories get a (partial) break, for some empty boasts about Labour achievements;

Paragraph 6: "..the battle to keep the Conservatives from power", but not for long: we're back on those Tories. Yes, attack them Tories;

Paragraph 7: "Our party is fortunate. In my cabinet I have an abundance of talent, younger and older". Over halfway now, so another short burst of empty boasts about Labour;

Paragraph 8: "..had we followed the Conservatives' persistent demands to deregulate everything, how much worse the crisis would have been". And back on the attack. Yes, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 9: "..do not inflict on yourselves and the nation a government ideologically intent on harming so many of the services you depend on". And again, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 10: "Don't let all these good public things descend again into the petty squalor of the 1980s and 1990s for the sake of a few more pounds in your pocket. The small state is the squalid state, penny-pinching, mean-spirited.."    And one more time, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 11: "I am glad to have played my part in helping rebuild Britain's public realm", aaaaannndd, to finish, empty boasts about Labour achievements.

So, 11 paragraphs of this Polly-proposed speech for Brown. Four of which contain empty, unsubstantiated boasts about Labour achievements, and an astonishing seven of which focus on what the Tories, the opposition, might do if they get into power.

Well done, Polly. You clearly know exactly what makes a good, standard Labour speech.

You should get in touch with Peter Mandelson; ask him if you can use your position as a political commentator to perpetually praise the Labour Party and endlessly denigrate the evil Tories, without ever bothering to stoop to any 'real' political analysis.

Oh, wait...


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8 comments:

Captain Haddock said...

Poor old Pineapple Poll .. one really does have to feel a little (but not too much) sympathy for the dippy cow ..

She really is Becontree .. i.e. .. two stops beyond Barking ..

mungle said...

Brown talks as if non of the mess had anything to do with him? As if he hadn't been chancellor/pm for the past twelve years? The proverbial martian listening to his speechs and statements would assume that he had been parachuted in from outside the government to take over from a gang of incompetents in order to sort the mess out.

If your concience permits you, what a great gift it must be able to regard all your past mistakes as the fault of someone else.

Captain Haddock said...

Quite so Mungle ..

Though I've always believed it was a requirement (as stated in the Job description) for all Politicians ..

That said McDoom does rather kick the arse out of it ..

Lord Mandleson of sleaze said...

Can I suggest that she add some more dramatic adjectives and verbs when speaking about what the evil Tories might do, for example "Foaming at the mouth" whilst cutting our services , " Eating our children" whilst slashing spending etc etc

JuliaM said...

You think this one's a scream, check out Jackie Ashley's CiF column:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/sep/28/time-look-again-back-labour

The comments (those that haven't been moderated out) are priceless!

They really can't see how much they are hated, can they? They realy believe they can win...

Jill said...

Since they (Polly, NuLab, NuLab bloggers, Nick The Beeb, anyone) can't speak about what the Tories have done as they are not in power, should they not mention them at all? Pretend there is no opposition? That seems a tad absurd. More absurd, even, than what they are doing, which does seem difficult to credit, I grant you.

Anonymous said...

I posted a comment on the Guardian site about this article and after a while it was taken down. I presumme it was because I refered to Polly as comical polly. They dont like it up 'em

BenS said...

'The small state is the squalid state, penny-pinching, mean-spirited' - this is a quality line from Polly. As if any lefty government hasn't plunged a country into bankruptcy and squalor.

She really is worth that £200k p/a, or whatever it is.