Almost all Quango's are a monumentally pointless waste of taxpayers' money. But what about a Quango that doesn't do anything at all?
Back in October last year, the latest insult to our intelligence, the Infrastructure Planning Commission was hastily flung together.
Its original purpose was to speed up the process for approving controversial infrastructure projects, such as nuclear power plants. This in itself is a bit sinister - the whole purpose of the IPC seems to be to strip those pesky local authorities of the ability to block or delay projects considered to be of 'high national priority'. For which, read '..that Mandy really wants'.
In other words, this Quango is to make sure that, if central government suddenly decides it's politically expedient to build a nuclear power station on your village green, there'll be precisely fuck all you or your local authority can do about. Centralisation by stealth, anyone?
But not to worry - the IPC hasn't actually done any approving yet. In fact, it hasn't actually done anything at all, yet.
Apparently, the woefully inept, easily distracted, oh-so-busy-with-trivia Government has yet to even agree the legal criteria on which to evaluate such projects. Oh, for fucks sake.
Would anyone in the private sector set up a factory to make, say, washing machines, without actually knowing how washing machine were made, what they were made out of or where to get those materials from? Well of course they fucking wouldn't.
Yet, even though this bunch of fuckwits are not doing anything, the drain on our pockets continues.
There are offices to rent, around 40 salaries (and - of course - pension contributions) to pay, stationary to print, computers to run and doubtless a hundred other items.
This do-nothing Quango is costing nearly a million pounds a month. Christ knows what it would cost if they actually did something.
The Quango's chairman, Sir Michael Pitt, is already happily pocketing his pay, even though nothing has been fucking done yet. For this total inactivity, Sir Mike receives 900 quid of our money - per day. Dear god. A lot of people would be very happy with 900 pounds a month to toddle in to luxurious offices, check the post ('still nothing? Oh well..') and then fuck off home again.
And there's not just one fat cat here. There are at least seven more senior staff, 'commissioners', who oversee the execution of .. err .. fuck all and for doing so take home salaries of over 100,000 pounds.
So, are these well paid Quango-ites, in their lovely offices, about to spring into action and amaze us all with their work rate? Well, no. According to insiders, the 'criteria', the 'what-do-we-do?', are unlikely to be approved before the General Election.
The Government's very busy, you see. Lies and smears don't make themselves up, and jetting around the world to appear at endless overseas press conferences takes days and days out of everyone's schedules.
The Tories have already said they will scrap the whole fucking shambles if they win the election. Sir Michael and his staff must be terrified: where else can 40 people sit in freshly appointed offices all day, on a handsome wage, with their final salary pension ticking away nicely, doing bugger all?
And people wonder why there are still Labour voters out there...