A Very Big House, in the Country

Our soon-to-be-former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, is off on his travels again. This time, he's taking a short break from saving the world, in order to save Northern Ireland. As the Guardian breathlessly reports, their little eyes shining with excitement:

"..the prime minister flew to Belfast tonight with his Irish counterpart, Brian Cowen, to try to rescue the power-sharing executive..

Brown is attempting to broker a deal between Sinn Féin and the Democratic Unionist party to devolve policing and criminal justice powers to Northern Ireland."

Oh wow. Is it a bird? Is it a 'plane? No, its a fucking showboating politician, with a million other more important things to do.

But as we all know, Gordon absolutely fucking loves this kind of thing. Never happier than when he's grabbing the controls, bossing everuone about, and striding manfully from meeting to pointless meeting, as far away from Westminster as possible.  If Blair hadn't nicked it already, in a similar context. Gordon would doubtless have solemnly informed us that he 'felt the hand of history' on his shoulder.

And, as we all also know, if there's one thing he loves more than that, in fact more than anything, it's bashing those eeevil Tories. McDoom considers a day in which he hasn't attacked or misrepresented the Conservative party as a day completely wasted.

So he must be abso-lewtly, as he would say, delighted at the chance to do both of his favourite things at once. A wank and a Mars Bar? Ohh, yes please.

So Gordo' has taken time out of his busy 'saving everything' schedule to let it be known that, in spite of his heroism, the peace process is in danger, because them Tories are .. err .. talking to Unionists


Hang on, Broon. Hang on a fucking minute. Did you forget that The Tories have already formed a pact with the Ulster Unionist party? Remember? They're going to put up joint candidates in Northern Ireland's parliamentary seats.


But no. Gordon has apparently told aides of his 'astonishment' at this. He believes:

"..the Conservatives are endangering the Northern Ireland peace process by adopting a pro-unionist stance in breach of the bipartisan approach which dates back nearly 20 years"

And that's not all.  The main part of the smear is yet to come. Oh yes.

According to Gordon and his spinmieisters, the worst of this tawdry episode is - and you might want to sit down here - these talks are taking place 'at an English Country Estate'. Oh no! Look everybody, the class war is on again.

What on earth could the Conservatives be doing on an 'English Country Estate'? Perhaps they're all drinking port from peasants' skulls. Perhaps later they'll hunt down a fox and beat it to death with copies of the Koran. Don't hold back Gordon: if you're going to smear, go large, mate.


What a lot of fucking bollocks. You lying fucking spin-doctors. You gullible, lazy fucking media.

Hatfield House may once have been a private 'Country Estate', but now it's just one of the hundreds Golf 'n' Corporate Hospitality venues that litter the landscape.

It's just an upmarket Holiday Inn. You can go and get married there, for fuck's sake, or go for a weekend in the spa with your Diary Secretary.

But why acknowledge that, McDoom, when you can re-re-re-ignite the class war, accusing those Tory toffs of lurking in a Country Estate, undermining all your heroic last ditch efforts?

Why, Gordon, can you not just ever get on with the job at hand. Bend your efforts toward solving the hundreds of enormous issues that face you (and us) and fucking forget about smearing the opposition. Just for five fucking minutes?

You useless bastard.

Related articles

• Sinn Fein discuss talks collapse (news.bbc.co.uk)
• Gordon Brown flies in for crisis talks over Northern Ireland (telegraph.co.uk)
• Tory meeting with unionists threatens Ulster peace, warns Brown (guardian.co.uk)