Constantly Furious

Right, Mr Clegg. You've had your talks; talks with CallMeDave, talks with your backbenchers, talks with ol' man Cable, with Paddy Pantsdown, and doubtless with the luscious Miriam.

And your party colleagues have been holed up with top Tories in non-smoke-filled rooms for the last 72 hours, popping out only to declare endless declarations of mutual love to the press.

You've also, by your part in these endless discussions, ensuring that we still have no PM, no government and no idea what the fuck is going on, inadvertently shown us what a post-PR world will look like. Are we really going to join Italy, Belgium and all those other poor sods in having this behind-closed-doors squabbling every 4 or 5 years?

But now it's time to make your mind up.

Whatever it is that the Tories have put on the table, whether it's PR, AV or fondue set and a fully catered funeral in Trinidad, is what you're going to have to accept. You're not going to get all the things your party wants, and nor should you: you came third in the race, for fuck's sake, in both seats and popular votes.

So you should accept whatever the party that got nearly twice the popular vote yours did - and holds 5 times as many seats - offers and be glad of it.

After all, Cleggy, it's not like you've got any other choices, is it?

What are you gonna do if Dave won't give you all the presents on your list? Try to form the world's smallest minority government with your 57 seats? Don't think so.

Head back into opposition, back to your seat twenty places down from the 'real' leader of the 'real 'opposition, with everyone talking over your little bonus questions in PMQ's? Nah.

Go into a coalition with Labour? Yeah, right. Make yourself the second most unpopular man in political history by propping up the most unpopular man in political history? That would be ... what's the word? ... bold. Don't expect us to take any notice of your muffled screams as Brown , Balls and Mandy give you and your party the most comprehensive fucking over you've ever had.

Then, as you lie bleeding in the gutter, watch them turn upon each other and tear themselves, their party and the new coalition to pieces. And don't expect to regain 57 seats in the inevitable General Election - probably in July - you'll be lucky to get 7 as part of a LibLab coalition.

No, unfortunately for you, you've only got one option - go along with those terrible Tories. And, as the Tory boys slowly begin to realise that over the coming hours, you're going to find there are fewer and fewer goodies on the table.

Your only chance to get any representation, to get any of your policies enacted, to have any say at all, to have any ability to limit what the Tories do, is to climb into bed with them, lie back and think of the United Kingdom.

Get on with it, for fucks sake.

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