Constantly Furious

Last night, a bunch of ridiculously over-paid sportsman put down their glasses of Krug, hung up the keys to their Lamborghinis, took some time out from spit-roasting semi-conscious teenage girls, and achieved a mighty triumph.

What did they do? Why, they kicked a leather sphere between some wooden posts more times than some Eastern Europeans managed to.

Well, hoo-fucking-ray.

The cretinous tabloid press has predictably gone fucking berserk. Apparently, now that particular leather-kicking exercise is completed, England are the best team in the whole wide world, and therefore certain to win the World Cup. According to The Star, the match performance was “As Good As It Gets”. Does that mean we can stop watching then? Can’t they just be given the cup now?

The foreign chap who chooses which players will kick the leather sphere confirms that they are “one of the best teams in the world”. He probably hopes he’s right – if his boys can do the ‘between wooden posts’ thing more than some Brazilians and some Italians, he’ll get a - doubtless entirely deserved – 5 million pounds. Five million fucking quid. Good job he’s not a banker – Brown and Darling would take it all back.

And if they don’t win, does he have to pay five million quid? No. He just has to have a photo of his head digitally altered to look like a root vegetable and printed on the back of every tabloid. Then hold a press conference at which he accepts 5 million different quids for being sacked.

The worst aspect of this whole tedious affair is going to be the ‘build up’. We’ve got to endure nearly 9 more months of this fucking hysteria. Like toddlers watching a magician, we’ll be encouraged to shout louder and louder (“I can’t heeeeaaarrr yooouuuu...”) until we’re all hot and over-excited, and have totally forgotten what bollocks the whole thing is.

But it can’t be stopped. Any minute now, car aerials will start sprouting fucking little plastic England flags.

We’ll be treated to endless fucking press speculation as to where it is the WAG’s will be getting their hair done next summer.

Then the one that looks like Shrek will fall down the stairs in some brothel and break a tiny bone in his foot, and the nation will go into prolonged mourning.

CF is not sure he has to strength to face all of that endless shit.

Scotland, have you got a spare room available for a few weeks next summer?


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