En-ger-land, En-ger-land? Please, no...

Last night, a bunch of ridiculously over-paid sportsman put down their glasses of Krug, hung up the keys to their Lamborghinis, took some time out from spit-roasting semi-conscious teenage girls, and achieved a mighty triumph.

What did they do? Why, they kicked a leather sphere between some wooden posts more times than some Eastern Europeans managed to.

Well, hoo-fucking-ray.

The cretinous tabloid press has predictably gone fucking berserk. Apparently, now that particular leather-kicking exercise is completed, England are the best team in the whole wide world, and therefore certain to win the World Cup. According to The Star, the match performance was “As Good As It Gets”. Does that mean we can stop watching then? Can’t they just be given the cup now?

The foreign chap who chooses which players will kick the leather sphere confirms that they are “one of the best teams in the world”. He probably hopes he’s right – if his boys can do the ‘between wooden posts’ thing more than some Brazilians and some Italians, he’ll get a - doubtless entirely deserved – 5 million pounds. Five million fucking quid. Good job he’s not a banker – Brown and Darling would take it all back.

And if they don’t win, does he have to pay five million quid? No. He just has to have a photo of his head digitally altered to look like a root vegetable and printed on the back of every tabloid. Then hold a press conference at which he accepts 5 million different quids for being sacked.

The worst aspect of this whole tedious affair is going to be the ‘build up’. We’ve got to endure nearly 9 more months of this fucking hysteria. Like toddlers watching a magician, we’ll be encouraged to shout louder and louder (“I can’t heeeeaaarrr yooouuuu...”) until we’re all hot and over-excited, and have totally forgotten what bollocks the whole thing is.

But it can’t be stopped. Any minute now, car aerials will start sprouting fucking little plastic England flags.

We’ll be treated to endless fucking press speculation as to where it is the WAG’s will be getting their hair done next summer.

Then the one that looks like Shrek will fall down the stairs in some brothel and break a tiny bone in his foot, and the nation will go into prolonged mourning.

CF is not sure he has to strength to face all of that endless shit.

Scotland, have you got a spare room available for a few weeks next summer?



JuliaM said...

There was a football match last night...?


Anonymous said...

Several times I have made a deliberate concious effort to sit down and enjoy watching a game of football. Rather to my alarm I have always, within minutes, found myself wishing I was watching paint dry instead.

RantinRab said...

You won't escape the 'Eng-ur-land' shit up here CF.

Every time they play in South Africa next year, the commentator will mention 19fucking66.


Anonymous said...

Don't know what I'm looking forward to more...the actual football played in rugby stadia on rock hard pitches during the Highveld winter or Engerlund fans on the wrong end of a sjambok after it all kicks off in downtown Sandton.

Anonymous said...

I agree... we need less distractions or 'interests' and we should all plod on down to the tractor factory for another shift...

FUCK OFF! Yes there is far too much fake interest shit:

like when Blair told an interviewer that his "teenage hero" was the footballer Jackie Milburn, whom he would watch from the seats behind the goal at St James's Park. In fact, Milburn played his last game for Newcastle United when Blair was just four years old, and there were no seats behind the goal at the time.

... but it's still THE most popular sport in England.

Believe me, I wish all those who hadn't a clue but pretended to would also fuck off.

Anonymous said...

Nice one CF, could not agree more. This dreary kick-ball thing really is the pits.
Do these bozos really get paid for this shite?

sad porridge wog said...

I wish Scotland had qualified : (

Another haggis muncher said...

What a refreshing read! One of the (albeit merited) criticisms levelled at us Scots is that when it comes to football we adopt an 'Anyone but England' mentality.

The reason for this is summed up perfectly in your post. It's not that the majority of us are anti-English (my gran was English) but it's that as soon as England put in a decent performance against a mediocre teams the media down there seem to lose all sense of proportionality.

Instead of saying 'We're a decent team who've punched equal to our weight in the major tournaments' we get non-stop 'Best team in the world', 'Favourites to lift the trophy', 'This is our year', etc. ad naseaum.

Rob said...

Thank fuck we're more obsessed with the oval ball over this side of the severn bridge (Though we're still hearing about 2003 with that)! I don't think I'm going to buy a paper next summer. Mind you, that's the one good thing about being a welshman when it comes to football, none of this false dawn bollocks. We expect not to qualify and are never disappointed. In fairness though, we've only ever had 2 truly world class players in our history (John Charles and Ryan Giggs) so it would take a minor miracle for us to achieve any success.

Just expect Ingerlund to get knocked out in the quarter finals and you won't fret too much when it inevitably happens.

Rob said...

And I think that 'It's our year' delusion is a mutated form of scousitis that affects large parts of merseyside every season.

Let's just hope the ingerlund fans don't decide to smash up all the pubs where I am on holidays like they did in 2006. It's a hassle persuading barstaff to serve me because I'm not english, mind you, they usually think I'm german (Must remember to shave off the porno 'tache and not pack the long socks next year!).

Rob said...

Correction, it was 2004.

Longrider said...

I'll do what I always do. Ignore it.

Quiet_Man said...

I watched the match, they played well. Am I glad they qualified? Yes. Will they win it? No, but it will be a pleasure to watch.

Nobody's making you watch next years world cup after all and football remains a popular sport in England, hence the tabloid over-reaction.

englishinedinburgh said...

England on telly, Budweiser one hand , fag in other. Wife on all fours worshipping the base of my member.
If Carlsberg did footie.

All true apart from the wife bit.

En-ger-land etc

Henry North London 2.0 said...

What football match?

Of course this proves that you dont have to go very far to avoid it all

Just stay at home and dont look out of the window and watch Sky 1

Problem solved

John Demetriou said...

Am I to understand that you are not hat tipping the England Squad then?

RBroggle said...

I take your point.

However, it was MUCH more entertaining than the "trying to be sarcastic and amusing and failing" pontifications of some anonymous wanker who shouts on his blog everyday about how shite everything is but, so it seems, actually does fuck all about it.

Like many bloggers (OH, Dizz, Rab,LegIron, etc.),CF, all you really give a fuck about is shouting at the world and stat porn. If you really gave a fuck about anything you'd actually do something.

Constantly Furious said...


So, what is it that you "actually do"? Other than make anonymous comments on blogs, eh?

Perhaps you'll tell us on your blog. Where's that? Do you have one?

Do tell us; we're all waiting to hear. I'm sure that "OH, Dizz, Rab,LegIron, etc" are also keen to hear from you, on precisely what it is we should all be doing.

You fucking twat.

Rob said...

RBroggle, you don't have to visit the blog and read it if you don't want to. You could take up a hobby, maybe try and get a guinees world record at something. Most frequent onanist? You do come across as a master-debater.

Anonymous said...

Totally right - these nothing cunts should be hung from the goals before the match - their squirming at the end of the rope will be more entertaining than the so called sport they "play".
Football is on the way down and the majority of Brits hate the fucking game - it's all a con for Sky and the wankers who play it to get money.