Polly knows what to say

That Polly Toynbee, eh? She thinks - like most of the country - that Gordon Brown should step down. There she is, putting words into Gordon Brown's oddly-shaped mouth; imagining what his resignation speech might sound like. The cheeky bitch.

But actually, she hasn't totally deserted Gordo: she want him to go out in a blaze of glory, reminding the nation of all  the absolutely fantastic things that Broon and the Labour party have done for us.

And it looks like she's got the hang of what makes a typically great Brownian speech. Or any 'great' Labour speech. There are, as we all know by now, some key areas, which must be covered in every speech:

1) attack what the Tories would (not might, would) do;
2) make some empty boasts about achievements of the Labour Government;
3) attack what the Tories might do;
4) .. er ..

There are 11 paragraphs in Polly's pretendy speech. So how does she do, against the template?

Paragraph 1: "I believe I have helped save this country from a depression as bad or worse than the 1930s. I have contributed to the global rescue of banks whose domino collapse threatened a terrifying meltdown".    Yep, that's item 2: Empty boasts about Labour achievements;

Paragraph 2: "Make no mistake, had David Cameron and George Osborne been in power to do what they proposed, the catastrophe doesn't bear thinking about". And yes, item 1 there: attack what the Tories might do; She's going well, isn't she?

Paragraph 3: "Yet Cameron and Osborne are bent on doing just that, turning their 'Broken Britain' fallacy into a horrible reality". There it is again: attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 4: "I cannot stand by and let the Conservatives do it again – same blueprint, same economic errors". And again, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 5: "I have done my utmost. I am proud of so much that Labour has done, money well spent after decades of neglect". The Tories get a (partial) break, for some empty boasts about Labour achievements;

Paragraph 6: "..the battle to keep the Conservatives from power", but not for long: we're back on those Tories. Yes, attack them Tories;

Paragraph 7: "Our party is fortunate. In my cabinet I have an abundance of talent, younger and older". Over halfway now, so another short burst of empty boasts about Labour;

Paragraph 8: "..had we followed the Conservatives' persistent demands to deregulate everything, how much worse the crisis would have been". And back on the attack. Yes, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 9: "..do not inflict on yourselves and the nation a government ideologically intent on harming so many of the services you depend on". And again, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 10: "Don't let all these good public things descend again into the petty squalor of the 1980s and 1990s for the sake of a few more pounds in your pocket. The small state is the squalid state, penny-pinching, mean-spirited.."    And one more time, attack what the Tories might do;

Paragraph 11: "I am glad to have played my part in helping rebuild Britain's public realm", aaaaannndd, to finish, empty boasts about Labour achievements.

So, 11 paragraphs of this Polly-proposed speech for Brown. Four of which contain empty, unsubstantiated boasts about Labour achievements, and an astonishing seven of which focus on what the Tories, the opposition, might do if they get into power.

Well done, Polly. You clearly know exactly what makes a good, standard Labour speech.

You should get in touch with Peter Mandelson; ask him if you can use your position as a political commentator to perpetually praise the Labour Party and endlessly denigrate the evil Tories, without ever bothering to stoop to any 'real' political analysis.

Oh, wait...


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