gushingly reports - they adore that guy - "US President Barack Obama has won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize".
What? Yes. That's right. The Commander in Chief of the American Army has been given a prize for Peace Making.
A man who is in command of over 65,000 troops in Afghanistan. Troops whose mission is to "crush" an insurgency.
A man who is seriously wondering if he can get away with sending 40,000 more troops to join them, without any political repercussions.
A man who said of the war in Iraq
"We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America. "
A man who is trying to create another army, a home guard - for American internal security - because
"We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded. "
Oh yes. That Peace-lovin' man.
Barry beat a record 205 other nominations for this year's prize. Zimbabwe's prime minister and a Chinese dissident had been among the favourites. But they had no chance, no chance at all. How many soldiers have you got in the field, Morgan Tsvangirai? How many insurgencies have you crushed, Hu Jia?
No, it's Barry all the way. Looks like those Norwegians love him almost as much as our Gordon does:
"Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future"
Well, up to a point, Lars, or whoever you are. But he's only been president for eight fucking months. And nominations for your little award closed when he'd only been President for 11 days.
All that 'hope' stuff that you seems to love was his fucking election campaign, remember? Not what he's actually done. Dear god.
It's hard to see how Gordon Brown's eulogy, which is doubtless going to broadcast to a grateful nation within hours, could top that nauseating love in.
Brace yourselves. The next few days are going to be tough for all of us. Keep sick bags to hand, and drink plenty of water after vomiting.