Isn't 'Soccer' exciting?

Such dramatic, exciting news this week!

There are a group of men, in most civilised nations, whose job it is - rather than to make things, or build things, or help other people - to kick an inflated plastic sphere around a small field.

Because it is so very difficult to kick a ball about in the mud, and because it is so very fascinating to watch, these 'players' are paid millions of pounds for doing so. Nearly as much as bankers.

When relaxing between games, these highly-paid footballers like to drink, buy Range Rovers and have sex with very attractive young ladies - models, waitresses, sixth formers and contestants from televisons 'Big Brother'.

Because most of these ball-kickers have great big houses and drink nothing but vintage champagne, a lot of ladies are very happy to let them do this to them, and in fact go out of their way to find the ball-kickers. These ladies are known vulgarly as 'WAG's, because of the phrase they use when meeting a footballer: "Want a go?" Some even let several ball-kickers have a go at the same time, for which the newspaper The Sun will often pay them thousands of pounds.

Every few years, the few players that actually have a connection with England are recalled from wherever they are currently working - Italy, Spain, the United States, B&Q, television studios - and a team is formed to contest with other international teams for a 'World Cup'

The leader or 'Captain' of the England team is Mr Terry, who normally plays with a lot of Africans for a Russian Team called Chelsea.

But recently - and here comes the exciting bit - Mr Terry has misbehaved.

Mr Terry already had one of these ladies, a WAG, installed at his enormous home. But one of Mr Terry's ball-kicking friends had another WAG of his own - the same shape, but with different coloured hair - and Mr Terry thought he would like to have a go on her. Being a WAG, she was very happy to let him, so she agreed.

But then - oh no! - the WAG that Mr Terry had at home found out. And she was angry. And then Mr Terry's friend's WAG didn't know what to do, until Mr Max Clifford, an expert in these matters, told her. So she told everybody in the world what had happened, which was the right thing to do and gave her 'closure' and made her very rich.

Now it's possible that Mr Terry won't be allowed to be the Captain of the English ball-kickers. Some of the other players, who have often shared a drink or a WAG with Mr Terry, are not happy about this, and think it is not fair. Other people think he should be punished, and a footballer who doesn't drink or have sex with lots of WAGs should be sought out. If possible.

So now nobody knows whether Mr Terry, or some other ball-kicker, will be in charge of the England team

Apparently, the England team were certain to win the World Cup before all this drama began, but now, with a demoralised and confused team, some people are beginning to think the unthinkable. Yes: it is possible that they will be knocked out on penalties in an early round.

This usually happens because Mr Terry's friend Mr Beckham has broken something in his foot whilst kicking his boney WAG in the ribs; or because Mr Terry's other friend Mr Rooney has been arrested for biting a bouncer in a brothel (or 'WAG-warehouse') in Liverpool.

It looks like England will be heartbroken again.

And all because of Mr Terry's friend's WAG.

Who said football was boring?