"How..", CF asked himself out loud, ".. did we come to be here?"
"Well", breathed Kelly seductively, "it's because we schoolgirls are bombarded with inappropriate images. That Doctor, Linda Papadopoulos, was quite right: it's all the fault of the naughty media"
"But why", CF continued, his voice wobbling slightly, "are you doing that? Is it because you are at an age where you are discovering your bodies and have become sexually curious?"
"Oh no", countered Hermione. "It's because we are being increasingly exposed to sexual imagery and our parents have limited opportunities to stop it. It's all in a report for the Home Office"
"And why..", CF wondered, "..are you both behaving in this, shall we say, 'raunchy' manner? Is it because you have been plied with alcohol all afternoon?"
"No ,no", purred Hermione, "the reason we're here is that both the images we consume and the way we consume them are lending credence to the idea that women are there to be used and that men are there to use them".
"But, but, .. shouldn't you both be elsewhere?" wondered CF
"Well, probably", giggled Kelly, "but I watched some really quite fruity music videos on MTV while I was doing my homework at 5:30 yesterday. If not for them, I'd probably still be revising for my A2's"
"Mmmmm", said Hermione, "and my mobile phone was sold without parental controls, so Daddy, who is a silly muggle anyway, was unable to prevent me viewing sexualised imagery"
"Yes", whispered Kelly , "and I recently read my younger brother's copy of Nuts magazine, so as well as knowing all about how to turbo-charge a 1993 Ford Fiesta, I also now view myself and my ambitions very differently"
"She's right", added Hermione, pouting, "the 'drip-drip' exposure is distorting us young people's perceptions of ourselves."
"Gosh, yes", agreed Kelly, "there's a need for tougher regulation of sexual imagery in adverts, because without it, we think that joining you here is perfectly natural, if not desirable"
"Surely", CF asked, his head beginning to spin, "that's not the only reason you're here today?"
"Not entirely", agreed Hermione, "it's also those games consoles: my Playstation III has encouraged me and my friends to present ourselves as sexually available and permissive."
"Yes", agreed Kelly, "and my iPhone, with its easy-to-use camera and reasonable data tariffs, was the main reason I felt compelled to post topless or naked pictures on social networks, which how we all met"
"What else", wondered CF, "would have prevented us from ending up squandering the whole afternoon, and morally bankrupting ourselves, in a sordid session in this warm and comfortable tub?
"Well", began Hermione, "A ban on Jobcentres advertising positions in lap-dancing clubs and massage parlours"
"Yes, yes", cried Kelly, wriggling excitedly "And the creation of a website where parents can report any "irresponsible marketing" they believe sexualises young children"
At that point, dear reader, the excitement of it all became too much, and all three sank beneath the warm bubbles, conversation exhausted.
Did any of that happen? Of course it didn't.
But it's not just the Righteous who can have bizarre fantasies, is it?