And what a night it was. A glittering gallery of all the key figures, the big beasts, in British politics: MP Chris WhoHe of extremist minority party the "Lib Dems", Jack 'thought he'd retired?' Straw for Labour, Sayeeda WhoShe for Conservatives and Bonnie Greer, a random American writer, filling that vital role of black-person-sat-right-next-to-nasty-Nick-ha-ha.
Through his contacts with the BBC (you just press '1' on the remote), CF is able to bring you a full transcript of what was probably the most
Dimbleby: "Good evening. I'd like to welcome our panel tonight. Well, all of them bar one, of course"
[audience laughs nervously]
Griffin: "I .."
[audience boos enthusiatically]
Dimblebore: "That's really quite enough from you, Mr Griffin"
[applause. Cries of 'quite right']
Dumbledore: "First, I must just apologise for the screaming and breaking glass you may be able to hear. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully stormed the building and are now peacefully smashing the place up".
Dumbledore: "..and so, to our first question. Gentleman with the cross face.."
Angry Asian: "Nick. Is it that you love Churchill and hate Muslims, innit?"
[wild applause, jeering]
Griffin: "I didn't ..."
Baroness Wassup [interrupting]: "Yes, you do, don't you, you do"
Dumbledore: "Moving on now. I've got photos, Mr Griffin, of you standing near a man from the Klu Klux Klan. Does the very existence of these photo's not prove, beyond doubt, that you'd very much like to strap a black man to the front of your pickup and drive all round the bayou at high speed?"
Griffindor: "Well, I ..."
Bonnie Greer [interrupting]: "Don't you try to tell me about no KKK. I'm a 'merican."
[rapturous applause, cries of 'Right on', 'mmm hmmm']
Dumbledore: "I must just apologise for the smoke the audience may be able to smell. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully ripped open the filing cabinets, piled up all the scripts and books in the building, and set light to them".
Dimblebore: "..and now, for another question"
Lone non-nutter in audience: "Is it not possibly the case that some of our problems with immigration stem from Labour's policies in this area?"
[audience falls silent, confused]
Chris WhoHe: "What? Is it me? Sorry. What was the question?"
Jack Straw: "I'd like to answer that by reading out a long list of Labour's achievements, allowing the audience to refill their glasses and go to the toilet."
Baroness WhoShe: "Well that's not true is it, and ..."
Dimbleby [interrupting]: "I'm sorry, we'll have to move on. Mr Griffin is just sitting there, smiling, and no-one has booed him for nearly five minutes"
Dumbledore: "Moving on. Mr Griffin, I've got a puppy in this bag. Very cute. But it's a black puppy. Am I right in thinking that you, and members of your odious party, would like to kick it to death and then eat it?"
Griffin: "Well, that would be illegal and.."
Straw [interrupting]:: "As a member of the Government, and a Justice Minister, can I just say that I would be more than happy to change the law, right now, if I felt that it would make you look bad, Mr Griffin, or indeed make me look better."
[applause, shouts of 'go on Jack']
Dimmock: "..and so to another question. You sir, what would you like to ask the panel?"
Teenager: "Hey, Mr Griffin: instead of calling you Nick, I call you Dick"
[thunderous applause, teenager high-fived by all in the next row]
Dumbledore: "I must just apologise for the triumphant howling you may be able to hear. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully killed a BBC security guard, and are parading his head on a pole around the car park".
Dimbley:"..but now, time for one more question, and perhaps on a slightly different topic. You, sir.."
Angry black man: "Griffin, Why don't you fuck off to the Antarctic? it's all white there"
[hysterical laughter, applause, cries of 'yeah!']
Dimbleby: "Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight. Some pretty impressive, incisive debate this evening, I think you'll agree. And to the audience, I would ask you to leave by the western exit, as the UAF have peacefully brought down a police helicopter in the eastern carpark, and are currently hacking the occupants to death with machetes. Goodnight!"
[applause, music, lights fade]
This exclusive poll taken immediately after the programme, shows the seismic affect on the political landscape:
- BNP: 0% change
- Labour: 0% change
- Conservative: 0% change
- Lib Dem.: 0% change
- Questions on other matters: 0%
- Police: 100 grand in overtime
- The public: nagging sense of an evening wasted
[Look back in anger, while CF enjoys his holiday]