Jacqui Smith, corpulent former cabinet minister and self-confessed 'poster girl' for the sport of extreme troughing, must be quivering in fear.

Today's the day that the six-month - six month? - investigation into the expense claims of the former 'worst home secretary, ever' are due to be published.

For those with short memories, and CF's fans in the goldfish community, a reminder: Ms.  Smith filled up her shiny authoritarian jackboots for years by designating her home in Redditch, where she lives with her husband and children, as her "second home" on which she claimed expenses - while saying her "main home" was a bedroom in her sister's house in London.

For this breathtaking, blatant scam, she pocketed £22,948 in 2007-8 alone, part of the total £157,631 she milked from the taxpayer to keep bread (and pies) on her table.  This wasn't a little 'misunderstanding' of the rules, this was fucking fraud.

So, she must be expecting the book to be thrown at her round, empty, infuriating head, mustn't she? She's already resigned from Cabinet, but now she's going to be deselected, surely? And she'll have to pay back all the money she stole, won't she? Is Plod already on his way to one of her houses?

Nah.

The results of the report have already been leaked, and Labour's spin machine knows the verdict. The mouthpiece of the spin machine, the BBC, "understands" (a euphemism for "has been told by High Lord Mandleson") that

"Ms Smith will face criticism for saying that her main home was in London rather than in her Redditch constituency"

"face criticism"? Oh no! That poor, poor woman. The anguish. How terrible, after all she's already been through, being forced to endure "criticism". Be strong, Jacqui.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, John Lyon, who carried out this investigation, feels:

"..that on balance the principal family home was in the constituency"

So, bang to rights. You done wrong, Jacq-boots, and now its pay-back time.

But, wait, what's this? Oh. Hang on. Lift your tearstained face, Jacqui. Chins up. There's a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, shining just for you:

"..it also seems she will not be asked to pay back any expenses"

What? What the fuck? She did claim wrongly, but she does not have to pay the money back?

Dear God.

This takes the fucking biscuit. In fact, it takes the biscuit, shits on it and then crams it into our unwilling mouths, before stealing our wallets to buy a load more biscuits.

What was the fucking point of a six fucking month investigation, costing thousands of pounds of taxpayers money, then? Why, if she did wrong, does she not have to pay back the money?

And if she didn't do anything wrong, why did you say she did? Why did she resign?

For fucks sake. What do we have to fucking do to get our fucking money back?


++UPDATE++: confirmed: No further action. But Jacqui "has been told to apologise in the House of Commons". Oh dear. Will this poor womans horrendous suffering never end?

_

At last, at fucking last.

The good people of Redditch have been busily campaigning against the 'Second Home Secretary' ever since her egregious troughing habits became a tasty starter for the fucking banquet of expenses revelations we've had to endure for what seems like the entire decade.

There was a vast amount fury vented against her for the preposterous Damian Green arrest about which she, although fucking responsible for the police, apparently knew fucking nothing. Or if she did know something, she certain did nothing. Or if she did do something, she certainly said nothing about it. Fairly standard form, sadly.

Nobody was particularly suprised when it was announced that even her husband couldn't bear the thought of her, and had started an affair with a box of Kleenex. Although we were fucking livid to find that he was charging us for the porn he needed to awake his Honourable Member, after years of waking up next to the other Honourable Member.

But it looked like all of this was going to be conveniently forgotten, as the nation gathered around its televisions and PC's, united in the desire to forget about all that massive ineptitude and horrendous dishonesty and focus instead on somebody who'd bought an ickle house for his fucking ducks. That's what we need to stamp out, sheeple.

Clearly Ms Smith is a little smarter than she looks, and has decided to jump the sinking ship. Actually, this particular ship is not only sinking but on fire; filled with rabid HIV-positive baboons; under attack from albatrosses with Ebola and drug-crazed Somalian pirates with AK47's whilst being sailed towards the rocks at full speed, during a hurricane, by Stevie Wonder. No wonder she wants to get off.

In typical Labour couldn't-spin-a-child's-windmill fashion, the announcement has come out in ten different ways through ten different channels, and nobody's real sure what the fuck is going on. But it looks like, by next week, Ms Smith with be back behind a trestle table, ladling luke warm 'mystery meat' stew into plastic bowls at a Redditch Comprehensive.

Unless, of course, she means only to resign from Cabinet, but to remain as an MP? Surely fucking not? Surely even she realises that she's got to go properly, completely, not just back a few feet to a lesser bench? Her majority in Redditch is so slim that she's only delaying the inevitable. Give it up altogether, love. Get out of politics. There's Chocolate Crunch for pudding, and that custard won't serve itself.

Hopefully this is just the first stone, the one that represents the beginning of an absolutely fucking enormous avalanche of MP's disappearing from the Cabinet, from the backbenches and from our lives.

Rejoice, just rejoice.

Speaking earlier today, Gordon Brown said .. well, he said fuck all, because after a brief tour of television studios' sofas, he's crawled back under his bed, where he's curled up, sucking his thumb and whimpering.

Come on Gordon, out you come: you're next.

.

A great idea, and one CF supports.

Jacqui Smith wants - no needs - to see all of your emails. Something terrible (probably to do with Muslims or perhaps the Continuity IRA or possibly pigs) will happen if she doesn't have a good old rummage through your correspondence.

So, rather than wait for some public sector techie nerds to fail to write the software after squandering millions of taxpayer's money, lets help her out.

All you have to do is this: cc all your emails to her.

The details are laid out here:

"So, for one day, we should send a message to the Home Office - "you want to see our emails? Ok then, here they are then!". We do this by simply cc'ing or bcc'ing every email we send (and if you like, forwarding every email you receive), regardless of importance or content, to public.enquiries@homeoffice.gsi.gov.uk."

The date has been set for June 15th. However for legal reasons, please don't go ahead with the protest of your own accord"

So .. wait for it, wait for it .. mark June 15th in your calendars, and get ready to swamp the stupid woman.