Don't worry, be Jacqui

Jacqui Smith, corpulent former cabinet minister and self-confessed 'poster girl' for the sport of extreme troughing, must be quivering in fear.

Today's the day that the six-month - six month? - investigation into the expense claims of the former 'worst home secretary, ever' are due to be published.

For those with short memories, and CF's fans in the goldfish community, a reminder: Ms.  Smith filled up her shiny authoritarian jackboots for years by designating her home in Redditch, where she lives with her husband and children, as her "second home" on which she claimed expenses - while saying her "main home" was a bedroom in her sister's house in London.

For this breathtaking, blatant scam, she pocketed £22,948 in 2007-8 alone, part of the total £157,631 she milked from the taxpayer to keep bread (and pies) on her table.  This wasn't a little 'misunderstanding' of the rules, this was fucking fraud.

So, she must be expecting the book to be thrown at her round, empty, infuriating head, mustn't she? She's already resigned from Cabinet, but now she's going to be deselected, surely? And she'll have to pay back all the money she stole, won't she? Is Plod already on his way to one of her houses?


The results of the report have already been leaked, and Labour's spin machine knows the verdict. The mouthpiece of the spin machine, the BBC, "understands" (a euphemism for "has been told by High Lord Mandleson") that

"Ms Smith will face criticism for saying that her main home was in London rather than in her Redditch constituency"

"face criticism"? Oh no! That poor, poor woman. The anguish. How terrible, after all she's already been through, being forced to endure "criticism". Be strong, Jacqui.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, John Lyon, who carried out this investigation, feels:

"..that on balance the principal family home was in the constituency"

So, bang to rights. You done wrong, Jacq-boots, and now its pay-back time.

But, wait, what's this? Oh. Hang on. Lift your tearstained face, Jacqui. Chins up. There's a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, shining just for you:

" also seems she will not be asked to pay back any expenses"

What? What the fuck? She did claim wrongly, but she does not have to pay the money back?

Dear God.

This takes the fucking biscuit. In fact, it takes the biscuit, shits on it and then crams it into our unwilling mouths, before stealing our wallets to buy a load more biscuits.

What was the fucking point of a six fucking month investigation, costing thousands of pounds of taxpayers money, then? Why, if she did wrong, does she not have to pay back the money?

And if she didn't do anything wrong, why did you say she did? Why did she resign?

For fucks sake. What do we have to fucking do to get our fucking money back?

++UPDATE++: confirmed: No further action. But Jacqui "has been told to apologise in the House of Commons". Oh dear. Will this poor womans horrendous suffering never end?



Anonymous said...

Grab a leg each and hold her upside down?

Seems about the oinly way left

Anonymous said...


Ollie Cromwell said...

Once again CF an awesome post written in a most entertaining style.

Captain Haddock said...

This Parliament and this Government in particular has to be the grubbiest, most tainted and most criminally inclined in British history ..

Like the Augean Stables .. a complete clean-out, root & branch .. top to bottom is called for and the sooner the better ..

"Grab a leg each and hold her upside down" ? .. you'd be looking at hiring an industrial crane then ? .. Lol

Fidothedog said...

Anon I would not advise lifting Jacqui upside down for a few reasons.

Firstly she is a rather porky MP, an there is a risk of serious back injury.

Secondly they love to show themselves as victims.

Thirdly the fish smell emanating from between her legs is likely to burn the hair out of your nose.

Beware of Geeks bearing GIFs said...

Once again, the political elite do what they do best: look after their own.

They must be laughing every time they do this sort of whitewash, knowing that the public will be outraged and yet they sit there with smug look of indifference as they know we cannot do a single thing about it.

Still, we are getting to a stage of either revolution or simply withholding tax on a grand scale.

Whether we get there before the money runs out or after is anyone's guess.

Anonymous said...

So yet another common fraudulent THIEF gets away with it - Jacky Spliff Ex-Second Home Secretary for Porn'n'Stuff & THIEF. I shall be canvassing in Reddich come the next election for ANYONE BUT JACKY

....and one Law for them said...

I demand that all benefit frausters also "Face criticism" when caught. That will teach them !

Jill said...

Do you know what really makes me seethe about this woman?

After all this venality, she goes on TV and whines that she's the poster girl for the MP's expense scandal because she's a) a woman, b) not a babe, and c) leftie. People are only annoyed because she's not Maggie Thatcher in Angelina Jolie's body.

Well um, I'm a) a woman, b) not a babe (ok, not porkie thanks to successive cancers, but certainly equidistant from MILF status) and c) a proper bleedin' leftie. And I, personally, would cheerfully do something really really 'orrible to her.


Anonymous said...

It's beyond any words I can muster, and I know a few choice ones ...

Captain Haddock said...

Perhaps the corpulent old slapper might be interested in this item ?

At least she could have a good nosh whilst feeling sorry for herself .. and with any luck, she might choke to death ..

banned said...

I was moaning about this in the checkout at B & Q this morning. The girlie refused to let me buy a screwdriver in case I tried to track down porky Smith and stab her in the face with it.