Brown's Blatant Bribery

Six months on, the expenses scandal refuses to lie down and die. And why should it? Those bloody MP's troughed for years and years. Finally they've been caught out, and their greed exposed for all to see. There's been deception, dishonesty and outright fucking fraud.

The thieving bastards have taken millions of pounds - of our money - and bought themselves houses, flats, televisions and all sorts of vulgar trinkets. They've even given some of our money to their spouses, to their children, to their sisters and in some cases, to their furiously masturbating husbands.

Right now, we couldn't think worse of MP's if they'd personally come round to our houses, stolen our tellies, kicked our dogs and shat in our teapots.

A few - far too few - have agreed to "step down", but as we all know, that just means carrying on with exactly the same pay 'n' perks until sometime in 2010. Not much of a fucking punishment, is it?

And now they've all been told to pay a small part of their ill-gotten gains back and, oh dear, they don't like that. They don't like that one tiny little bit.

Several have refused point blank to repay the money. Some are very angry at even being asked: Gordon Brown was actually - heaven forefend - heckled by his own MP's when they discussed this. Apparently Gordo is "desperate" to avoid further criticism from his own MP's.

It'd be nice if he was 'desperate' to end the recession, or reduce his governments' massive borrowings, or to end the war in Afghanistan, but no, he's desperate to avoid criticism.

So, what's the 'sol-you-shun', Gordon? What to do to mend the tarnished image of Parliament?

Here's Gordon's idea: Why not give the MP's a pay rise?

No, that's not some Armando Iannucci satire. Really. That is genuinely what the One-eyed son of the Manse thinks is the best thing to do right now.

He wants to give all backbench MP's - the ones who whinge the most, the ones over whom he has the least control - a lovely big pay rise. The figure being floated is 3,000 pounds per year, no less. Thats an increase of nearly 5%.

a 5% pay increase? That certainly pisses all over the recent average private sector pay increase, a paltry 1.5%. It's even, unbelievably, bigger than the outrageous average pay increase in the vast, bloated public sector, which was 3.4%

And who actually pays these rapidly-increasing salaries? Not Gordon, is it? No, it's us. The poor, beleagured, fucked-over taxpayer. These thieving fuckwits are supposed to be our servants, so we pay them for their woefully inadequate services.

And now, because they've been caught stealing from their masters' cashbox, because they've been fiddling the books, because they're getting sulky and stroppy at being caught out, and because some of them are saying nasty things about the head of the servants' quarters, we've got to give them an absolutely fucking massive salary increase? A bribe, to shut them up? For fucks' sake.


You.  Could.  Not.  Make.  This.  Shit.  Up.



++UPDATE++: great minds think alike: LFAT has written to Gordon on this very subject today.
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