Don't worry, be Jacqui

Jacqui Smith, corpulent former cabinet minister and self-confessed 'poster girl' for the sport of extreme troughing, must be quivering in fear.

Today's the day that the six-month - six month? - investigation into the expense claims of the former 'worst home secretary, ever' are due to be published.

For those with short memories, and CF's fans in the goldfish community, a reminder: Ms.  Smith filled up her shiny authoritarian jackboots for years by designating her home in Redditch, where she lives with her husband and children, as her "second home" on which she claimed expenses - while saying her "main home" was a bedroom in her sister's house in London.

For this breathtaking, blatant scam, she pocketed £22,948 in 2007-8 alone, part of the total £157,631 she milked from the taxpayer to keep bread (and pies) on her table.  This wasn't a little 'misunderstanding' of the rules, this was fucking fraud.

So, she must be expecting the book to be thrown at her round, empty, infuriating head, mustn't she? She's already resigned from Cabinet, but now she's going to be deselected, surely? And she'll have to pay back all the money she stole, won't she? Is Plod already on his way to one of her houses?

Nah.

The results of the report have already been leaked, and Labour's spin machine knows the verdict. The mouthpiece of the spin machine, the BBC, "understands" (a euphemism for "has been told by High Lord Mandleson") that

"Ms Smith will face criticism for saying that her main home was in London rather than in her Redditch constituency"

"face criticism"? Oh no! That poor, poor woman. The anguish. How terrible, after all she's already been through, being forced to endure "criticism". Be strong, Jacqui.

The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, John Lyon, who carried out this investigation, feels:

"..that on balance the principal family home was in the constituency"

So, bang to rights. You done wrong, Jacq-boots, and now its pay-back time.

But, wait, what's this? Oh. Hang on. Lift your tearstained face, Jacqui. Chins up. There's a light at the end of the long, dark tunnel, shining just for you:

"..it also seems she will not be asked to pay back any expenses"

What? What the fuck? She did claim wrongly, but she does not have to pay the money back?

Dear God.

This takes the fucking biscuit. In fact, it takes the biscuit, shits on it and then crams it into our unwilling mouths, before stealing our wallets to buy a load more biscuits.

What was the fucking point of a six fucking month investigation, costing thousands of pounds of taxpayers money, then? Why, if she did wrong, does she not have to pay back the money?

And if she didn't do anything wrong, why did you say she did? Why did she resign?

For fucks sake. What do we have to fucking do to get our fucking money back?


++UPDATE++: confirmed: No further action. But Jacqui "has been told to apologise in the House of Commons". Oh dear. Will this poor womans horrendous suffering never end?

_