William 'Billy' Hague doesn't pull his punches. And, as usual, says what a lot of us are thinking:

"Last week Gordon Brown said the election should not be a verdict on the Government's past record. ...

He may not want to discuss his pension destroying, gold selling, golden rule-breaking, national debt-doubling, money wasting, tax raising, colleague rubbishing, pledge betraying, election bottling record but, oh boy, we do.

He says voters should give him a second chance. Look here Gordon, you've had 13 years now. You've had your second chance and your third. No one in Britain can afford to give you a fourth chance: no one in this country can afford another 5 years of Gordon Brown"

Yup.

.

A busy day today: Mrs. CF's birthday, and gifts to give, places to go, lunches to eat.

In the meantime, Rod Liddle can speak on behalf of CF, as he appears to have similar views on the endless growth of the 'anti'-industry. Anti-Racism, anti-sexism and now, anti-bullying:

"It is almost impossible to stop these ‘antis’ from expanding, from almost unlimited aggrandisement. Public sector industries are set up to fight iniquities and become iniquities in themselves, having captured the zeitgeist and, more often than not, the legislature too.

They spread their wings, they claim more and more territory until we all accept that one in three of us are disabled, when we’re clearly not, one in three of us are gay, when we’re clearly not; bullying ceases to be this awful thing which spoils the lives of vulnerable and blameless individuals and becomes instead this business which happens to everyone, when clearly it does not.

And as these public sector industries expand, sucking in ever larger sums of charitable donations and taxpayer’s money, they simply cannot be gainsaid, in public; because we are all against bullying, racism, sexism and discrimination against the disabled. Even when the definitions of each ‘ism’ have long since mutated beyond recognition from what was originally intended and have become an end in themselves."

CF doesn't always agree with Rod Liddle, but in this case, he's gettin' it said.

.

CF found himself in an unexpected but welcome situation yesterday: sat in a large, foamy hot-tub, clutching a glass of champagne, accompanied by Hermione Granger of Hogwarts and Kelly Jones, Head Girl of St Trinians.

"How..", CF asked himself out loud, ".. did we come to be here?"

"Well", breathed Kelly seductively, "it's because we schoolgirls are bombarded with inappropriate images. That Doctor, Linda Papadopoulos, was quite right: it's all the fault of the naughty media"

"But why", CF continued, his voice wobbling slightly, "are you doing that? Is it because you are at an age where you are discovering your bodies and have become sexually curious?"

"Oh no", countered Hermione. "It's because we are being increasingly exposed to sexual imagery and our parents have limited opportunities to stop it. It's all in a report for the Home Office"

"And why..", CF wondered, "..are you both behaving in this, shall we say, 'raunchy' manner? Is it because you have been plied with alcohol all afternoon?"

"No ,no", purred Hermione, "the reason we're here is that both the images we consume and the way we consume them are lending credence to the idea that women are there to be used and that men are there to use them".

"But, but, .. shouldn't you both be elsewhere?" wondered CF

"Well, probably", giggled Kelly, "but I watched some really quite fruity music videos on MTV while I was doing my homework at 5:30 yesterday. If not for them, I'd probably still be revising for my A2's"

"Mmmmm", said Hermione, "and my mobile phone was sold without parental controls, so Daddy, who is a silly muggle anyway, was unable to prevent me viewing sexualised imagery"

"Yes", whispered Kelly , "and I recently read my younger brother's copy of Nuts magazine, so as well as knowing all about how to turbo-charge a 1993 Ford Fiesta, I also now view myself and my ambitions very differently"

"She's right", added Hermione, pouting, "the 'drip-drip' exposure is distorting us young people's perceptions of ourselves."

"Gosh, yes", agreed Kelly, "there's a need for tougher regulation of sexual imagery in adverts, because without it, we think that joining you here is perfectly natural, if not desirable"

"Surely", CF asked, his head beginning to spin, "that's not the only reason you're here today?"

"Not entirely", agreed Hermione, "it's also those games consoles: my Playstation III has encouraged me and my friends to present ourselves as sexually available and permissive."

"Yes", agreed Kelly, "and my iPhone, with its easy-to-use camera and reasonable data tariffs, was the main reason I felt compelled to post topless or naked pictures on social networks, which how we all met"

"What else", wondered CF, "would have prevented us from ending up squandering the whole afternoon, and morally bankrupting ourselves, in a sordid session in this warm and comfortable tub?

"Well", began Hermione, "A ban on Jobcentres advertising positions in lap-dancing clubs and massage parlours"

"Yes, yes", cried Kelly, wriggling excitedly "And the creation of a website where parents can report any "irresponsible marketing" they believe sexualises young children"

At that point, dear reader, the excitement of it all became too much, and all three sank beneath the warm bubbles, conversation exhausted.

Did any of that happen? Of course it didn't.

But it's not just the Righteous who can have bizarre fantasies, is it?

.

Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Poor ol' Harriet 'Hattie' Harman has had her Twitter account hacked. That poor, poor woman. Imagine how she must feel.

But hang on. Why the fuck would anyone bother? The woman is quite infuriating and tedious enough, in equal measure, without any need to misrepresent her.

But 'attie's aint 'appy. Apparently, Mizzzzzz Harperson said that the security of Twitter and other social media sites widely used by MPs was 'a serious matter'.

"There is a real issue here. We have got to sort this thing out."

Oh, do fuck off, Hattie. It's not a 'real issue', it's fucking Twitter, for Christ's sake. A kid's toy.

Being hungry, or bankrupt, or the victim of a mugging is a 'real issue'. Not your sad little attempts to engage with real, non-privately educated people through the magic of the Interwebs. No-one gives a shit about that.

What we care about is the state of this unfortunate country, and the ruination bought upon it by you and your fuckwitted colleagues.

Why don't you sort some of that shit out, you silly bitch?

.

EU President, Herman Van Rompuy, isn't exactly the most charismatic of figures on the world stage. He's famously shy and has been nicknamed "the Grey Mouse". Ahhhhhh: isn't that just sweet? A little mousey. Lovely.

So why on earth did we vote for him? Oh no, wait, we didn't, did we?

He was chosen unanimously by the governments of the EU's member states to be the first permanent European Council president.

The same governments that fiddled or - like the UK - even prevented the various referendums that would have been our only chance to stop the Lisbon Treaty that created his new role.

So, now we've got him, like it or not. Unelected, but 'appointed'. At least he matches our own unelected Prime Minister, in both charisma and votes won. They're two of a kind, really.

Nigel Farage, former leader of UKIP, definitely does not like it, and yesterday he shared his views with the world.

Even though he and his party are vehemently anti-EU, Farage has managed to get himself elected as an MEP, so he is perfectly entitled to go to Brussels, get up on his hind legs and tell us exactly what he thinks of the whole tedious, statist charade.

Nige' started with that most British of disclaimers, "I don't want to be rude but..", and then proceeded to be lavishly, extravagantly rude to the poor little mouse.

As strong men blanched, and women fainted clean away, Farage informed Van Rompuy that he

"..possessed all the charisma of a damp rag and the appearance of a low-grade bank clerk".

But the problem is, he's not a low-grade bank clerk. He's King of the EU. We've been told so. Farage continued:

"We were told that when we had a president, we'd see a giant global political figure, a man who would be the political leader for 500 million people, the man that would represent all of us all of us on the world stage, the man whose job was so important that of course you're paid more than President Obama."

True. Remember when we though it might have been Tony B-Liar in the hot seat? How worried we were, and how unjust a reward that would have been for that slippery bastard.

"Well, I'm afraid what we got was you... the question I want to ask is: who are you? - I'd never heard of you, nobody in Europe had ever heard of you."

Beyond the insults, Farage is worried that this man is not as harmless as he might look:

"I have no doubt that your intention is to be the quiet assassin of European democracy and of European nation states," he said. You seem to have a loathing for the very concept of the existence of nation states."

Yup. That's what the EU's all about, as Nigel knows. And that's what we should all be worried about.

But what a shame that this pointed, accurate criticism comes from a man from a fringe party, with an repuation for being, as the BBC put it, 'outspoken'. A bit of a nutter, in other words.

What a pity it wasn't Dan 'the Man' Hannan or even better, CallMeDave himself, saying such things.

Now that would have been a reason to vote Conservative.

.

The natives are restless. Those South American natives, that is. They're angry about those islands that they think are called Las Malvinas, but we know are called The Falklands.

They've all got together to protest about the UK's drilling for oil just off the Falkland Islands, that windswept patch of nothing that over 250 British troops died to defend.

A patch of nothing that - ooh, gosh - turns out to be sitting near some oil reserves.

So shut it, you foreign nonces - God gave Britain the Falklands hundreds of years ago, especially for keeping sheep and penguins on. If there just happens to be a little bit of oil nearby, why then that's a lovely little bonus.

But they're not 'avin it. The Argentine president has accused the British government of 'ignoring international law' by allowing a British oil exploration company to begin drilling near the islands.

Well, you're wasting your time with that line of attack, love. We're very fucking comfortable ignoring International Law. Good ol' Dubya taught Tony, and Tony taught Mandy, and Mandy taught the rest of the Government.

But the head of the Argies has friends, who agree with her. They all got together, had a little meeting and decided that the UK must stop. She states:

"..the important thing is that we have achieved very strong support, something that legitimates our claims fundamentally against the new petroleum activity."

Red Ken's best mate, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, is one of her allies:

"We demand, and I think all of us should do the same, the withdrawal of the submarine platform, and that the English government... give that land back,"

Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega is another, calling for..

"Britain to return the territory of the Malvinas to its real owners - to return it to Argentina"

Apparently, not only Latin American leaders but Caribbean leaders have backed Argentina's claim over the Falklands. What? Caribbean leaders? What the flying fuck has it got to do with them? Are Antiguan aircraft carriers heading south even as we speak? Is the St Lucian airforce dusting off its MiGs, ready to unleash rum punch flavoured excocets?

But, regardless, we're not scared. Defence Minister Bill 'Who?' Rammell said the government had a "legitimate right" to build an oil industry in its waters. He added, doubtless frowning menacingly, that..

"..the UK government would take whatever steps necessary to protect the Falklands"

Yeah! That's fightin' talk. We're going to defend our sheep and our 'phone boxes to the death, you bunch of jumped-up dagoes!

So what will Gordon 'Mr Decisive' Brown do? Will he follow Thatcher's example? Go to war in a far-off land to reinforce a claim on a small part of the empire?

Nah. That ain't gonna happen. In every way you could think of, Broon is not fit to clean Maggie's stilettos.

As with any development, unless Gordon or his minders can work out a way of using this situation to somehow make the Tories look bad, or raise a couple of billion in tax, the whole issue will be completely ignored, sidelined.

Brown will bottle this, like he bottles every-fucking-thing.

Expect to see bewildered oil rig workers, in handcuffs, in Buenos Aires real soon now.

.

What a powerful browser Google's Chrome is. Up until now, CF has been a Firefox user, but he's just beginning to flirt with a move to Chrome.

The new browser lets one look at things in an entirely new way, see websites and blogs from a different angle.

For example, CF used to think that Guido Fawkes was a fearless maverick, an exposer of the dirty, greedy, cash-grubbing sleaze of politics. Revealing those who would pass on any old message, in exchange for cash.

But now, using Chrome, without the Adblock add-on, CF can see what Guido is really all about:

Yup, not just political tittle tattle, but adverts. Huge, garish adverts. Adverts for Windows 7, adverts for Dell Laptops. 

What a rebel...

.

Like everyone else in the English-speaking world, that tendentious rag the Daily Mail takes a view on the 'Gordon Brown is a bully' story. However, their view is ... errr .... somewhat 'surprising'

"This paper has frequently criticised Gordon Brown for many things - for his obsessive belief that the state can solve all our problems, for presiding over a reckless orgy of public spending and for allowing the greatest influx of immigration in this island's history without any debate."

Yeah, well that's all good. So have we all. The man's a fucking idiot.

"But amid the mounting hysteria over the Prime Minister's alleged bullying and temper tantrums we would ask if the chattering classes and the BBC have lost their sense of perspective."

What? Mounting hysteria? From a paper that every single fucking day whips up all sorts of Middle Class, Little-Englander hysteria about the cost of petrol, the EU, food additives and the Polish?

And are these accusations, that Brown is a physical and mental bully, not worth our attention? Are there more important things we should be told about him, like his lovely wife and tragically deceased baby, for fucks sake?

"Is there any head of a vast corporation faced with the kind of problems Mr Brown has to deal with who couldn't be accused of occasionally losing his temper and shouting at subordinates?"

Well, yes there fucking well is. There might not be in the tiny, self-regarding world of the dead tree media, but elsewhere organisations are run without the hurling of mobile 'phones and temporary staff across the room.

"Of course no-one condones bullying. But Mr Brown is running a country facing awesome problems, not running a youth club."

'Awesome'? Wow, awesome. Lest ye forget, Daily Mail, the one-eyed son of the Manse created all these problems you find so 'awesome', and appears to be totally, utterly incapable of remedying a single one of 'em.

But is that a justification for picking up Civil Servants and shaking them like rats? Probably not.

"Nor should it be forgotten that the Observer, the newspaper that broke the story, has an expensive relaunch to promote, while its journalist Andrew Rawnsley, who made the allegations, has a book to sell."

Well miaow. Whereas the Daily Mail, presumably, is a registered charity, running this little comment piece for the greater good, is it?

"As for reports that several members of No 10 staff complained to a bullying hotline, ye Gods, what kind of wimps work at No 10 these days?"

Perhaps the kind of 'wimps' who are reacting to the kind of workplace behaviour that you fuckwits would be among the first to condemn if it happened elsewhere - in one of those eeevil banks, for example.

What the fuck? All that pro-Broon bollocks, in the Daily Mail? Has Nick Robinson taken up a job there?

Who the fuck has been 'got at' here, and what the fuck have they been promised?


(tip of the hat to Furor Teutonicus, saving CF the need to actually read the Daily Mail)

We all realise that Gordon Brown is a nasty, obsessive, power-crazed bully. We guessed that long ago.

We also know that, in spite of the current media storm, he will - as usual - get clean a-fucking-way with it. These latest accusations will no more stick or damage than any of the hundreds of other negative-but-true stories we've heard about this idiot over the years.

With an army of spin-doctors, and a horde of scared-but-sycophantic MP's bigging him up, Brown will continue lying, blustering and evading the truth right up until the removal van - or, please god, the police van - backs into Downing Street.

And in fact, while we've all been giggling about whether Gordon really does throw 'phones and man-handle staff, he continues to be our unelected PM and to fuck the country up in his usual ferociously deluded way.

As with many bullies, the endless discussion around motives, actions and effects clouds the analysis of what the bully actually is, and what else he actually does.

Roert Maxwell was a famous bully, and managed to continue with his massive frauds for far longer as a result. Many bullies bully precisely because they want to cover up dishonesty or incompetence.

This bullying is a sideshow, distracting from bigger issues. John Redwood suggests some rather more important questions, paraphrased here by CF, that have never been answered.

So Gordon, never mind your unpleasant character. Let's hear...

Why did you tax pension funds, and why are so few private sector funds now open for new members?

Why did you sell gold at the bottom of the market?

Why did you get so little improved service for all the billions you gave to public services in the last ten years?

Why did you allow such a huge build up of public debt before the Crunch?

Why have you presided over a higher rate of inflation than target on average?
Why did you put so much money at risk in state supported banks, when there were cheaper options available to get us through the crisis?

Why has the balance of payments been so weak on your watch?

Why has manufacturing output fallen under Labour?

Why has the UK economy grown so little since 1997?

Why did the UK economy stay in recession for longer than other major economies , and why is it so far making such a weak recovery, if all the actions you took - and boast about - were right?

To be quite honest, Gordy, we might be prepared to overlook a little bit of shouting 'n' shoving, if you'd actually done any of the things you tried to do properly.

But you didn't, did you? Everything you did, you fucked up.

Why, Gordon?

.

The Nuclear Physics Department of the University of Westminster has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 22 assistant neutrons, 323 deputy neutrons, and 300 assistant deputy eutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 646.

These 646 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 42 days to 13 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 - 5 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.

This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with taxpayers' money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons

.

CF is, you'll be delighted learn, safely returned.

A few days in Italy, slithering around in the snow, desperately trying to keep up with the CF-ettes' terrifyingly fast skiing, have had a marvellously relaxing effect. That and the endless Vino Caldo.

CF almost - almost - became calm. Until the total, utter, fucking ordeal that is any Rynair flight began.

Travelling by Ryanair is a hideous event at the best of times, but travelling Ryanair out of Italy, where queueing is completely unheard of, and small Italian children are considered to be minor deities, whose every fucking whim must be indulged instantly, is on another plane (geddit?) altogether.

Oh, the bovine, slack-jawed public. Oh, the gum-chewing, utterly disinterested, airport staff. The pushing, the shoving, the shouting locals, the angry British chavs. Oh, the blinding rage.

But enough. 

So, what happened here last week ?

.

The Observer tells this sorry tale of Nanny State and her equally stupid sister, Nanny Corporation, and their latest misguided idiocy:

Management consultant Jackie Slater thought she was completing a normal shopping trip to Morrisons until the checkout assistant demanded to see her ID before scanning two bottles of wine.

"I told her I was really flattered, but I was the wrong side of 50," she said. But the assistant pointed to her 17-year-old daughter, Emily, and her 18-year-old niece, Annice, who were standing at the end of the checkout chatting.

"She asked: 'Are they with you?' I said they'd come to help me carry the bags back to the car. The assistant said: 'You could be buying the wine for them. It's the policy – I have to see everyone's ID to make sure they are all over 18'."

In vain, Mrs Slater insisted that the wine was for herself and her husband, Peter. But the assistant and then the store manager refused to budge.

Nor was their decision deemed an over-enthusiastic interpretation of company rules. Morrisons' head office last week backed the store.

"Head Office last week backed the store"? What the fuck? Now, this is the sort of mindless corporate stupidity that really boils CF's piss. How dare you, till girl? How dare you, you spotty trainee store manager? How dare you, purveyors-of-battery-hens-to-the-masses Morrisons?

How fucking dare you unilaterally decide what a grown woman - a customer - might or might not do with the stuff you sell them, and refuse them on that basis?

Obviously, you had at the back of your tiny, greasy, hair-netted minds the fact (and it is a fact) that the legal age for the purchase of alcohol from an off-licence, store or supermarket is 18.

But Emily, 17, wasn't actually trying to buy it, was she? She was, apparently, 'standing at the end of the check out'. Not offering a wad of notes and a loyalty card to the gurning imbecile behind the till, who fancied being sheriff for a while. What would you have done, you fuckwitted Morrisons jobsworths, if she'd been just a bit further away? Where do you draw your arbitrary authoritarian line?

  "This wine is not for the person I can see sitting in that car over there in the car park, is it?"

  "You're not buying this wine for the child I remember seeing in here with you last week, are you?"

  "Married, Madam? Any kids? What sort of age would they be then?"

But no, you decided what was going on all alone, didn't you? Had to see "everyone's ID", didn't you, Morrisons till girl? What exactly did that mean, in your small, addled X-factor-and-Heat-magazine-filled brain?  Everyone in 'your' checkout line? Everyone in 'your' shop? Everyone, perhaps, in the fucking country? Imagine the power, the responsibility.

It is, of course, possible that having bought the wine Mrs Slater may have taken it home and shared with it any number of people. Including Emily, her daughter. But get this, Morrisons, as you would all know if you had more brains than God gave the most retarded goose, that would have been perfectly fucking legal.

Even if Emily had been 10 years old, instead of 17, she would be legally allowed to consume alcohol at home. That is also the law. The law you deluded yourselves you were bravely upholding.

So, rather than saying the wine was for herself, Mrs Slater could legitimately have said. "No, the wine is for my daughter. She is going to drive me home, then consume the entire bottle herself." And you would still have had no fucking grounds for withholding it. It's nothing to do with you, see? You're a bloody shop, not the moral fucking maze.

Dear God, the fuckwittery.

Coincidentally, CF's eldest daughter is 17 years old, and he's taking her for a driving lesson later this afternoon. Perhaps on the way back, we'll stop in at the Morrisons in Cambourne, and get a bottle of wine for tonight. She prefers white.

_

[Look back in anger, while CF enjoys his holidays]

Charlie Brooker shows us all how to make a standard television news report.  Sarcastic, but highly perceptive:

So, Nick Griffin's dreams came true, and he got to appear on the real telly, with some real politicians.

And what a night it was. A glittering gallery of all the key figures, the big beasts, in British politics: MP Chris WhoHe of extremist minority party the "Lib Dems", Jack 'thought he'd retired?' Straw for Labour, Sayeeda WhoShe for Conservatives and Bonnie Greer, a random American writer, filling that vital role of black-person-sat-right-next-to-nasty-Nick-ha-ha.

Through his contacts with the BBC (you just press '1' on the remote), CF is able to bring you a full transcript of what was probably the most tedious controversial Question Time yet.

Dimbleby: "Good evening. I'd like to welcome our panel tonight. Well, all of them bar one, of course"
[audience laughs nervously]
Griffin: "I .."
[audience boos enthusiatically]
Dimblebore: "That's really quite enough from you, Mr Griffin"
[applause. Cries of 'quite right']
Dumbledore: "First, I must just apologise for the screaming and breaking glass you may be able to hear. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully stormed the building and are now peacefully smashing the place up".
Dumbledore: "..and so, to our first question. Gentleman with the cross face.."
Angry Asian: "Nick. Is it that you love Churchill and hate Muslims, innit?"
[wild applause, jeering]
Griffin: "I didn't ..."
Baroness Wassup [interrupting]: "Yes, you do, don't you, you do"
[prolonged applause]
Dumbledore: "Moving on now. I've got photos, Mr Griffin, of you standing near a man from the Klu Klux Klan. Does the very existence of these photo's not prove, beyond doubt, that you'd very much like to strap a black man to the front of your pickup and drive all round the bayou at high speed?"
Griffindor: "Well, I ..."
Bonnie Greer [interrupting]: "Don't you try to tell me about no KKK. I'm a 'merican."
[rapturous applause, cries of 'Right on', 'mmm hmmm']
Dumbledore: "I must just apologise for the smoke the audience may be able to smell. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully ripped open the filing cabinets, piled up all the scripts and books in the building, and set light to them".
Dimblebore: "..and now, for another question"
Lone non-nutter in audience: "Is it not possibly the case that some of our problems with immigration stem from Labour's policies in this area?"
[audience falls silent, confused]
Chris WhoHe: "What? Is it me? Sorry. What was the question?"
Jack Straw: "I'd like to answer that by reading out a long list of Labour's achievements, allowing the audience to refill their glasses and go to the toilet."
Baroness WhoShe: "Well that's not true is it, and ..."
Dimbleby [interrupting]: "I'm sorry, we'll have to move on. Mr Griffin is just sitting there, smiling, and no-one has booed him for nearly five minutes"
[applause, booing]
Dumbledore: "Moving on. Mr Griffin, I've got a puppy in this bag. Very cute. But it's a black puppy. Am I right in thinking that you, and members of your odious party, would like to kick it to death and then eat it?"
Griffin: "Well, that would be illegal and.."
Straw [interrupting]:: "As a member of the Government, and a Justice Minister, can I just say that I would be more than happy to change the law, right now, if I felt that it would make you look bad, Mr Griffin, or indeed make me look better."
[applause, shouts of 'go on Jack']
Dimmock: "..and so to another question. You sir, what would you like to ask the panel?"
Teenager: "Hey, Mr Griffin: instead of calling you Nick, I call you Dick"
[thunderous applause, teenager high-fived by all in the next row]
Dumbledore: "I must just apologise for the triumphant howling you may be able to hear. I'm told that the UAF have peacefully killed a BBC security guard, and are parading his head on a pole around the car park".
Dimbley:"..but now, time for one more question, and perhaps on a slightly different topic. You, sir.."
Angry black man: "Griffin, Why don't you fuck off to the Antarctic? it's all white there"
[hysterical laughter, applause, cries of 'yeah!']
Dimbleby: "Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for tonight. Some pretty impressive, incisive debate this evening, I think you'll agree. And to the audience, I would ask you to leave by the western exit, as the UAF have peacefully brought down a police helicopter in the eastern carpark, and are currently hacking the occupants to death with machetes. Goodnight!"
[applause, music, lights fade]


This exclusive poll taken immediately after the programme, shows the seismic affect on the political landscape:

• BNP: 0% change
• Labour: 0% change
• Conservative: 0% change
• Lib Dem.: 0% change
• Questions on other matters: 0%
• Police: 100 grand in overtime
• The public: nagging sense of an evening wasted

_

[Look back in anger, while CF enjoys his holiday]

Cromwell day will take place in exactly 9 weeks from today, on the 20th of April.

The website 'You've been Cromwelled' has the details, but here's the story:

What is Cromwell Day?
Cromwell Day is going to be a day of national protest against the thieves in Parliament. Not only are we going to be protesting against their abuse of the expenses system, we are also going to be protesting against their morally corrupt ways.We will be marching on the Houses of Parliament, and are also calling for a Day of National Civil Disobedience so that people who cannot make it to London can protest locally.
Civil Disobedience is a form of peaceful protest. For more details of what we are asking people to do please read further down.

When is Cromwell Day?
Cromwell Day is going to be on the 20th April 2010. Why the 20th April? In 1653 on that exact date Oliver Cromwell made a speech where he dismissed Parliament, so it is a historic day and is very appropriate for what we want to achieve.

Where is Cromwell Day?
Primarily the Cromwell Day protest will be in London, however not everyone can be there so we are aslo calling for a Day of National Civil Disobedience in support of our cause.

What can I do to help?
Come down to London on the 20th April and be part of what could be potentially be a very great, historic event. Other than that, we are asking for donations (not only financial), so we can move the Camapign forward as well as promote it. We are looking for volunteers to help us out on the day, but we are also looking for campaigners, any donations of spare time etc. For more information please see the Support us page. If you can't make it to London then take part in the planned Civil Disobedience.

What do you mean by Civil Disobedience?
From Wikipedia:
Civil disobedience is the active refusal to obey certain laws, demands and commands of a government, or of an occupying power. It is one of the primary methods of nonviolent resistance. In its most nonviolent form (in India, known as ahimsa or satyagraha) it could be said that it is compassion in the form of respectful disagreement.
 
So you want me to break the law?
To a degree yes. However we're not asking you to go on a murderous rampage, all we are asking is that for one day only you do not pay tax of any kind. Remember it is your taxes that fund the troughs the pigs of Parliament feed from. See the list below to see what we mean by Civil Disobedience:

• Don't go to work.
  When you work you get paid, when you get paid you pay taxes. Those taxes are abused by MP's. Take the day off but do not book it as holiday as your holiday pay is also taxed. Take unpaid leave. If you are an essential worker eg. Doctor, Nurse, Fireman, Police etc we are asking you to go to work but work for free like a day of volunteering. We appreciate times are hard but we think this is for the greater good. 

• Don't do any shopping.
  When you buy goods you are paying VAT. Vat is tax, tax funds the troughs of Parliament. Also if there are no customers, then the workers at the shop have the opportunity to march with us. If you really need to go to the shops for essential goods refuse to pay the VAT on the items. Explain to the shopkeeper that as a form of protest you do not want to fund the pigs in Parliament any longer. We are going to be writing to retail companies asking them to allow customers to buy goods without VAT. We will publish a list of companies that support our cause.

But that will damage the already unstable economy!
Yes it will have an affect on the economy but on a far lesser scale than the damage caused by the MP's and government backed banks. MP's and the government have used our money to bail out the banks from impending doom, a scenario that would not have existed if the government controlled the banks correctly. Don't forget, your money is being used to reward greed in the banks, and the banks that are part-owned by the tax payer are still charging extortionate bank fees. Again supported by government and the courts.

What about the Public Order Act?
For those of you who do not know what the Public Order Act is here is a brief summary, and you can find more information here.

• Section 11 - Advance Notice of Public Processions
  requires at least 6 clear days' written notice to be given to the police before most public processions, including details of the intended time and route, and giving the name and address of at least person proposing to organise it; creates offences for the organisers of a procession if they do not give sufficient notice, or if the procession diverges from the notified time or route
• Section 12 - Imposing Conditions on Public Processions
  provides police the power to impose conditions on processions "to prevent serious public disorder, serious criminal damage or serious disruption to the life of the community"
• Section 13 - Prohibiting Public Processions
  Chief Officer Police has the power to ban public processions up to three months by applying to local authority for a banning order which needs subsequent confirmation from the Home Secretary.
• Section 14 - Imposing Conditions on Public Assemblies
  provides police the power to impose conditions on assemblies "to prevent serious public disorder, serious criminal damage or serious disruption to the life of the community", but the conditions are limited to the specifying of:
  
  
  
  • the number of people who may take part
  • the location of the assembly, and
  • its maximum duration.
  
  
  

Of course we will be making this application, however we do not envisage getting the permission granted to hold this protest. That said as we are calling for a day of National Civil Disobedience the march will be taking place regardless. The march is a peaceful one and is only targeting Members of Parliament and no members of the local community. If permission to protest is denied please still attend, if we are brave our voices will be heard! Don't be mistaken, the Establishment will try everything in their power to prevent this protest from happening, not because the protest is wrong but because they are protecting themselves.

What do you hope to achieve with this campaign?
The primary objective of this campaign is to make our politicians aware that we are tired of being taken advantage of and that we know the General Election is close and how they react to this campaign will determine how we vote.

What do I wear on Cromwell Day?
If you are coming to London to help protest then we are asking that you come dressed all in black and wear a pig mask of some description. Why all in black? It is symbolic of mourning and we are mourning the death of our Parliament. The pig masks are self-explanatory.


9 weeks is plenty of notice to get yourself organised.

CF will be there. Will you?

_

Time hanging heavy at work (or indeed at home) today? Wish there was something else to pass the time other than surfing the web and reading all those tedious blogs?

Just print out the picture below and cut out the isolated diamond. Now lay it on one of the top row of diamonds. Now move it to the one of the diamonds in the middle row. Now to the bottom row. Notice anything?

That's got you baffled, hasn't it, you credulous simpleton?

CF is currently cavorting carefree in the snows of the Italian alps. There is no internet access, and no television - and a damn good thing too that is.

However, it does mean that CF has not been able to watch the much-heralded, widely touted, world famous Gordon Brown interview earlier today.

Did you gasp, at the roller-coaster excitement, the 'will he, won't he?' agonies of the Blair years?

Did you dab your eyes, and sob quietly as Brown described how the British economy 'died in his arms'?

Did you laugh with the cheerful Browns, chortling as they described how funny little Milliband is, with his bananas?

Will you, in short, now be voting Labour out of pure, undiluted sympathy 'n' empathy ? After all, that was the idea.

Let CF know in the comments - they arrive by email, and he can read them when Mrs CF is not looking.

.

Baroness Uddin was already a strong candidate for trougher of the year, following revelations that she'd claimed 100 grand from the taxpayers by keeping an empty flat (unfurnished, never lived in, say neighbours) in Kent as her designated residence.

But it gets worse: according to Andrew Gilligan, in the Evening Standard the flat she really lived in was Social Housing - a council flat. The housing association receives a massive subsidy (again, from taxpayers) and can therefore keep the average rent for its properties at around a sixth of the market rate.

Gilligan goes on:

"However, even without her allowances from the Lords, Baroness Uddin, 49, is well above the income bracket to qualify for social housing. She has held a number of highly-remunerated directorships at major companies, including former ITV giant Carlton Television, and was a senior employee and parliamentary consultant for the Excelcare nursing home group"

So not short of a bob or too then? Oh, but there's more:

"Because she claims her main residence is outside London, Lady Uddin is also entitled to collect up to £174 every day she attends the Lords for the cost of accommodation in the capital. The amount is paid to peers without the need to produce receipts and many claim the maximum every day they attend.

Baroness Uddin claimed a total of £29,675 for accommodation in 2007/8, a time when the maximum daily accommodation claim was £165 a day. Her bill represents a claim at the maximum possible rate for 179 days, more days than the Lords actually sat that year"

And, just when CF thought he could not be more dear-god-i'm-going-to-die enraged, this quote, from the trougher herself, (Hat tip to the Ranting King Penguin) came to light:

“My Lords, does my noble friend accept that our policy on homeless families impacts greatly on those who are waiting on the list? Is she aware that about 25,000 families are on the waiting list in east London?"

Why don't you free one up, you grasping bitch?




UPDATE: Old Holborn is behind this great idea: check it now before its taken down.


UPDATE 2: Beautiful Garden just posted this over at Guido's: Spitalsfield Housing Association (the organisation providing this dirt-cheap accommodation to the needy) Board of Management contains:

• Ala Uddin - Vice-Chair
• Faruque Uddin - Housing Officer
• Abdus Uddin - Assistant Maintenance Officer

Complete co-incidence, and no relation, surely?

.

[Look back in anger while CF enjoys his holiday]

PC World has reported grim times in their gaudily lit tat outlets. Sales fell 15% in the UK, apparently due to - who'd have thought? - " significantly lower sales". That'd do it, every fucking time.

How on earth has this happened? After all, PC World offer a range of shiny PC's and laptops. Everybody wants a laptop. You can just pop in, grab a new laptop and off you go, can't you?

Err, no. There are laptops aplenty on display, but none you can take to the till. The laptop you want to take away is securely stored around the back somewhere.

Someone has to fetch it for you. So you have to wait, and wait, and fucking wait, for that someone to be free. To stop answering inane questions from the elderly couple who just want to send email but are being upsold to a massive quad-CPU system with a 24 inch monitor.

And when the 13 year old Asian boy (actually, thats not fair: sometimes its a 19 year old Polish girl) is finally ready, can you have your laptop?

No, not yet. First you'll have to suffer a lengthy monologue about the importance of virus checking software and the happy co-incidence that PC World happens to have the worst product on the market available to you for 29.99. 

Then you have to use all of your rhetorical skills to avoid being persuaded to pay 10 pounds a month for the privilege  - one you thought you already had - of having your computer repaired if it goes wrong next week.

Then, and only then, will you be given the box containing the computer you came in 40 fucking minutes ago to buy.

But it's not just about the goods. PC World also offer a number of helpful services.

Among them is a repair and upgrade service. If you're too old, dense or idle to install a new hard disk, or if your computer has suddenly ceased to function after you shared your wine with it, take the box down to PC World, they'll sort it for you!

No they fucking won't. They'll cheerfully tell you, as you stand there sweating from the effort of lugging in a big box from the far end of the car park, a box that has been lurching about on the back seat of your car all fucking day, specifically so you could bring it in, that you need "a ticket".

A ticket? A fucking ticket? Yes. You can't just turn up with your computer and have it repaired you know. Oh no. Even though most of the staff are either picking their noses, downloading porn or playing on the consoles, they can't be expected to just drop everything and repair stuff at the drop of a hat.

What you have to do, mate, is lug that box back to your car, go home, look up PC world on the Internet (on your fucking dead computer) then ring the number given there.

After you've listened to a couple of hours of Enya, you'll be given a ticket number, which will entitle you to bring that box - that one there, on the counter - all the way back here, at which point one of the lads will stop picking his nose and start trawling your disk for pictures of your wife in a bikini.

Another advantage of buying new from a real, physical shop is that you can go back there when - inevitably - your new purchase makes a hideous grinding noise and stops working. They'll give you a new one, won't they?

Again, no. No. Not with PC fucking World. Although they sold that laptop 12 days ago, they want nothing to do with it. They don't even recognise it. They don't want to touch it. Ugh. Take it away, takeitaway!!

No, what you've gotta do, chum, is take that laptop, with all the boxes and packing material you dug out of the bin, back to your car, and go home.

Then you've got to look up PC World on the Internet (on your dead laptop) and 'phone the number given.

Will they help? No they won't. They will take you through a fucking immense labyrinth of menu options and computer generated voices, asking you to type in every serial number on every item in your entire fucking house, before  eventually deducing, like a moronic Miss Marples, that your computer was made by Advent (yes, it was; it says it on the fucking lid) and warmly recommending that you call them.

PC world, you've utterly fucked up. In your ceaseless drive to minimise what you actually do, and your endless quest to have fewer staff, each with less ability, you've actually sunk well below the minimal standard of service that any half-normal person would tolerate.

CF would like to tell you all that in person, but he's never going to set foot in one of your stores again.

[Repeated while CF enjoys his holiday]

CF is just about to head off to the airport, to embark upon his annual pilgrimage to the snows of the Italian alps.

As ever, the Scientists would appear have completely forgotten to tell the mountains about the terrible phenomenon of Global Warming, and the slopes appear to be wearing several metres of lovely snow.

Doubtless the mulled wine and the cold, cold beer are being readied, and the snacks laid out in the Bar Roma, Courmayeur.

There will be little or no internet access in the warm, cosy wooden buildings where CF will be relaxing, but some 'auto' posts have been set up.

If Blogger does its job, you'll be able to 'look back in anger' at some of CF's old posts, cynically recycled for your delectation.

Just behave yourselves, OK?


A dopo!

.

Greece is in a terrible mess. They've run out of money, and need a bailout. A big one.

In theory, of course, we can watch safely from behind the sofa. In spite of the Lord High Mandelson's best efforts over the years, we're not (yet) in the Eurozone, so all of this excitement can be stored in the file marked Somebody Else's Problem.

In practice, things are very different.

This poor, unfortunately country is cursed with a Prime Minister who just doesn't know how to stop spending. A PM who is quite happy to throw our money into any old hole in the ground, provided he can be made to look good doing so. And a PM whose favourite activity, whose chosen hobby in fact, is international, pro-celebrity showboating.

Brown is never happier than when striding into the flashlights of the world press, announcing that he has - once again - saved everyone, and informing baffled foreigners that some people called 'The Tories' would not have done nearly as brilliantly as he just has.

But not this, please, Gordon. Not more international handouts. We don't have to do this, you know.

And we've got abso-lewtly, as you would say, no money left. You and your colleagues have spent it all. Then printed some more and spent that too. We haven't got a pot to piss in, thanks to your friend 'Prudence' and her enormous bust.

Sadly, Gordon can't control himself. Like an incontinent puppy, if he gets over-excited, the cash just squirts out. And this, of course, is an exciting opportunity. Broon is off to the capital of euroland today, where this is already being discussed.

So, while he solemnly tells MP's that he will not be joining in the Greek bailout, dearie me no, the other of his two faces is pointed toward the world's media, who he tells:

"At the G20 conference in London in April we put in place arrangements that could help countries if they were in difficulty. These arrangements are still in place and have been used by some countries ... It's up to the euro area to decide what they wish to do in relation to euro area countries but there is international support available if Greece wishes it."

Not too cryptic that, is it? Not very 'coded'. Even given the fucking ridiculously convoluted style in which Broon pontificates, the message is clear.

If the lovely Cheryl Cole were to announce 'It's up to CF to decide what he wishes to do in relation to coffee and brandy but there is some available up in my flat if CF wishes it"  he would find it hard to stop grinning, pretty certain he was onto a sure thing.

So, a foreign nation in desperate need of billions, and a corrupt and spendthrift UK Prime Minister in desperate need of publicity.

You just know what he's going to do, don't you?

.

Much as this woeful Government would like us to ignore its truly appalling record on immigration, and much as they'd like to completely bury the facts under a fucking deluge of shiny things, multiply-announced 'investments' and lies about the opposition, those facts are still there.

This bunch of deluded fuckwits has presided over the largest inflow of immigrants in this unfortunate country's entire history. More than three million immigrants have come into the UK under NuLabour.

In 2008, half of all births in London were to foreign-born mothers. Yup, every other baby. Even looking at the rest of England and Wales, the statistic is one in four, for Christ's sake.

The population is expected to grow to 70 million over the next couple of decades, and yet no-one has any idea where the additional houses, jobs and infrastructure will come from, or how it might be paid for now that Broon has bankrupted us.

The few that are brave enough to ignore the knee-jerk shouts of 'racist' whenever they raise the issue are often inclined to give this Government of Fools the benefit of the doubt and assume that they just 'lost control' of the endless flood of immigration. That they fell asleep with the lights on and all the doors unlocked.

But actually, it now appears that, far from being some sort of accident - 'oooops, where did they all come from?' - the whole thing was part of a deliberate plan

The Migrationwatch think tank has, using good ol' F-of-I, got hold of a Government policy document from 2000. And, fucking hell, now we can see what's been going on.

Admitting that migration would and should increase, the document makes the case that the Government would not try to control or reduce it, because any controls on entry..

"can contribute to social exclusion .. [and] have no economic or social justification"

Whereas opening the floodgates, 'come one, come all' is actually a good thing and..

"..should not be viewed as a negative ... a widening of consumer choice and significant cultural contributions"

The idea, it seems, in the words of one official involved, was to make this once-great-nation "truly multicultural".

What it didn't say in the document - but what Labour wonks will have known all a-fucking-long is that, according to Electoral Commission, in 2005 general election these same immigrants voted for Labour by "overwhelming margins".

Well isn't that fucking nice? Come to our country - you will be given a house, some benefits, possibly even job: all you have to do is vote for your kind benefactors. Oh, and make sure you fill in the postal vote for all of your friends and aunties too.

Now we know why these plans were kept secret. Why the shrieking and the shouting-down of any opposition was so loud, so continuous. Why the whole fucking thing has been carefully spun into being a taboo subject.

The only tiny, tiny glimmer of light in all of this is that Labour's secret, wrong-headed and interfering policies are now coming home to roost. Labour MPs are losing ground to the BNP, who are now hugely popular among the sort white working-class voters who have voted for the traditional donkey-with-a-red-rosette for the last century. And why? Because they've seen the effects of Labour's pathetic social engineering.

The BNP are a loathsome party, with a twisted and xenophobic agenda.

Which makes it all the more galling that they seem to have been fucking well right all along.

.

Yes, our esteemed MPs will today vote on whether we should vote on how we are going to vote.

You might have thought that, in the teeth of a disastrous recession, in the midst of broken Britain and in the depths of an unwinnable war - a war that has now killed more soldiers than we lost in the Falklands - there might be better things for MP's to spend their time on.

But of course, if you thought that, you'd be forgetting the utter, naked desperation of Gordon Brown and his team to cling on to power.

Not to 'do the right thing' or to 'help hardworking families'. No. Just to remain in Government, like a fat Pekinese on its favourite velvet cushion. To keep sucking on the teat of privilege and power, and to continue driving and directing this unfortunate country on its long, spiraling journey down the shitter.

Parliament's reputation is at an all-time low. Greedy, self-interested MP's have been caught with their grubby trotters in the till. Some of them are still protesting that they've done no wrong, even some of the those who have felt not the Hand of Destiny but the Hand of PC Plod on their shoulders.

So, yes, reform. Yes, change. But not this, for Christ's sake. Not this total waste of time and energy. Not this feeble piece of politicking

This is just another blatant attempt by Broon to create more of his beloved, artificial 'dividing lines'. The fuckwit simply cannot make himself or his party look good, so just has to settle with trying to make his opposition look bad.

He's on his metaphorical hands and knees, scraping up all the tiny, tiny pieces of shit he can find, in a desperate attempt to make a large enough turd to hurl at his sworn enemy, Cameron.

And this is all going nowhere. There's no time left for this woeful Government. Even Labour backbenchers know this nonsense is not going to make it into law. It's not even going to be properly debated. A distraction. A ruse. A pathetic and needless gesture. Regardless of your views on Constitutional Reform, now really is not the time for this pointless showboating.

Anyway, if you're so fucking keen on a Referendum, Gordon, where the fuck is the one you promised us on Europe? Remember? In that litany of cynical lies and broken promises you called a Manifesto. Where's that Referendum?

There has long been a criminal offence out there in the 'real world', the offence of 'Wasting police time'.

There should be a similar offence, punishable by sacking and refused further employment as an MP, of Wasting Parliament's Time. Wasting our overpaid MP's time. Wasting everyone's time.

The arrests could begin today.

.

Could it be? Is it possible? Yes, it does seem that, somehow, David 'CallMeDave' Cameron has woken up to feel his silken boxer shorts somewhat tighter than normal. Yup, prompted by the threat of a hung parliament, Dave has grown a pair.

The buttered new potato (copyright: everyone) has attacked history's worst Prime Minister, Gordon McBroon, in such strong terms that even the normally completely, utterly, totally non-biased and even-handed BBC has been stung into action; and in turn described CMD as 'audacious'. Fuckin' 'ell, the spinners must be worried.

So, what's got him so mad then? Who rattled Dave's cage? What could possibly have driven Dave to this attack?

Oh, just one of those petty Westminster squabbles, a trivial ... what? ... wait ... hang on a fucking minute. No it isn't.

Dave's a little irritated - as should all of us be - that the three Labour MPs - Elliot Morley, Jim Devine and David Chaytor – who were charged with expenses fraud have decided - or rather, been advised by Labour's legal experts - to try to use parliamentary privilege to protect themselves.

Let's just put that a little more clearly: these thieving bastards stole thousands of pounds and now claim to be untouchable because they're MP's. What?.

Just fuck right off, will you? In fact, fuck off, then come back and fuck off again.

And what's made the Jersey Royal mad is that - surprise, surprise - the idiot clinging to the levers of power, our beloved PM is doing ... errr ... precisely fuck all about this.

But over to CallMeDave:

"Look how he tolerates the disgusting sight of Labour MPs taking parliamentary privilege, designed to help MPs fight for their constituents; for truth and justice; and abuse it in order to save their skins and avoid prosecution for fraud and wrongdoing"

Cameron believes Gordon Brown is to blame for - as usual - failing to act decisively over the issue.

".. Brown is a shameless defender of the old order ... he is just not capable of dealing with the post-expenses reform that is necessary."

And Dave has yet more..

“Even worse, it’s been reported that the Labour Party’s official solicitor is providing the three MPs with legal advice. At the very least, Gordon Brown should immediately clarify whether the Labour Party is paying for that and withdraw the whip from these shameless Labour MPs."

It's not often CF finds himself in complete agreement with CallMeDave, but on this occasion, he's sure gettin' it said.

“We cannot have five more years of his old politics. For the health of our democracy it is now essential that this shameless defender of the old elite goes as soon as possible.”

Fucking right. Shame it's probably going to be this very same potato that takes over later this year, but a least he's showing some hunger for the prize.

Hit 'im again, Dave.

.

Gordon Brown, September 2008:

"My family are people, not props”"

Story in today's Mail:

"Gordon Brown wept in public this weekend when he talked of the death of his daughter Jennifer and spoke of facing up to the possible premature death of his son Fraser ..

Mr Brown's wife Sarah, who was present, also sobbed in an extraordinary display of emotion when the Prime Minister was interviewed by Piers Morgan for a TV programme.

The candid exchanges, which took place over two-and-a-half hours in front of a live studio audience, are to be broadcast on Piers Morgan's Life Stories on ITV next Sunday."

Spotted it yet?

.

At some point in the last few years, people got up, went down the road to their local polling station, picked up a pencil and actually voted for this utter twat. A lot of people.



Why? He's fucking stupid and fucking dishonest.

Dear god.


Tips of several hats to OH, Obo and Anna Raccoon.

Today could be a very good day. Although not for six people in the Westminster area.

Finally, at last, prosecutors are due to reveal whether they intend to bring criminal charges against six MPs and peers over their expenses claims. Oh yes. About fucking time.

Police handed files on the six - whose names are so far unconfirmed - to the Crown Prosecution Service late last year, and later this morning the Director of Public Prosecutions willl make a statement, and name names.

The names are unconfirmed, but rumours are rife.

And guess what? Virtually all of the whispered 'names in the frame' are Labour names: well, what a fucking surprise.

As ever, as soon as a fucking Socialist gets into a position of influence, they suddenly forget all about the redistribution of weath, and all that "..to each according to his needs" bollocks, and start to frantically line their own grubby pockets.

Surely Eliot Morely is on the list. That bastard even looks like a pig that's overdone it at the ol' trough once too often. This is the man who somehow 'forgot' he'd paid off his mortage (with our money, of course) and carried on claiming cash for 18 months for something he was no longer paying for. He claims his innocence, but has bottled out of facing his constituents, and will be standing down at the next election.

Labour MP David Chaytor must also be on the list. Like Morely - a stunning co-incidence - Chayor also failed to notice that we'd paid off his mortgage, and carried on helping himself to our money. Like Morley, Chaytor is not prepared to face the wrath of the voters come the election, and will be standing down.

Labour MP Jim Devine could well be one of the scrounging six. Certainly his local party in Livingston think so - they didn't wait for PC Plod: they've deselected the chiselling git already.

And last, but by absolutely no means least, comes the Queen Pig. The spiritual leader of the troughers. The greediest, most dishonest fucking thief of the lot. Yup, its Pola, sorry, Baroness Uddin. Please let her be one of the six. Please.

This thieving bitch really, really takes the biscuit. All of the biscuits, in fact, along with the plate, the solid silver coffee pot, the cream jug and anything else that's not been nailed down.

She has still failed to provide any proof that a house outside London, which enabled her to claim over 180,000 pounds in expenses, even exists. For years, she has claimed expenses for living in Kent, and for travelling into London, and for staying overnight in London, whilst all the time living in a heavily subsidised Housing Association flat in .. err .. London.

CF is not generally a believer in the BNP line "send 'em back where they came from", but he's willing to make an exception in the Baroness's case.

If Baroness Uddin can be compelled to return to her huge, vulgar mansion in Bangladesh - having first returned every fucking penny she stole, and relinquished her undeserved ermine- then we'll all be a fuck sight better off.

Piss off, Pola.

++ UPDATE ++  Gotcha! MP for Scunthorpe Elliott Morley, Bury North MP David Chaytor and Livingston's Jim Devine all to be charged, as well as Lord Hanningfield, leader of Essex County Council. RESULT!

No word yet on Udders though. Keep watching ...

.

It may, at last, be payback time for some of our troughing MP's, when Sir Thomas Legg finally publishes his report.

Don't hold your breath though. Sir Thomas sent out letters to MPs in October last year- more than 4 months ago - detailing his requests for repayment, and still these troughing bastards continue to wriggle.

More than half of MP's have already been told that they should pay large sums of money, that they effectively stole, back to us. The stories, and the ever-changing numbers, have been published so many times that we could all be forgiven for having grown utterly bored of the whole fucking thing, and completely lost track of exactly who owes what, and who it is who's going to pay anything back.

We all know that Jacqui Smith, one of the most egregious troughers of the fucking lot, has already been told she won't have to pay back the tens of thousands of taxpayers cash that she fraudulently scooped up. The lucky sow. Great to have friends in high places, isn't it? That should make your coming richly-deserved and lengthy unemployment easier to bear, eh?

And her fellow MP's are squirming and squealing frantically too. More than 70 MP's have decided that they, like Jacqui, should be able to keep their trotters on the money we gave them, and have appealed against Sir Tom's ruling.

Because if there's one thing everyone in Westminster agrees upon, it's that none of this is the MP's fault. Oh no.

According to the inevitable leaks to the BBC, Sir Tom will criticise a "culture of deference" which made it "difficult for officials to query or challenge their [MP's] claims."

In other words, our beloved 646, to ensure the continued flow of unearned cash into their coffers, fell back on one of the oldest tricks in the fraudsters' book: the 'do you know who I am' bluster.

If some upstart official tries to tell you that you can't have thousands of pounds to give to your sister, or to sort out your tennis court, draw yourself up to your full height, and - raising your voice - let them know just how important and entitled you are.

And now, now it's payback time, they're not going to come quietly. They're appealing, and protesting and pontificating. Not one of the theiving gits is going to hand over a fucking penny unless they're made to.

Apparently, according to Auntie Beeb:

"Gordon Brown urged MPs to pay up and said he would consider withdrawing the whip from those Labour MPs who did not."

Really? Wow. That must have the Labour troughers trembling in their taxpayer-funded Gucci loafers. That must have put the fucking fear of God into those bastards.

A man they despise, a man they won't be working for in a few weeks time, a man who will by the end of this year probably be in either a secondary school staff room or a lunatic asylum, is 'urging' them to hand over shitloads of what they consider to be their cash?

And if they don't? Well, if they don't, a party that will no longer be in Government in a few weeks time, a party that by 2015 will only be known to students studying politics, is going to 'consider' withdrawing the whip? Well, boo hoo.

If CF had the choice between coughing up thousands and receiving a weak slap on the wrist, he'd be holding out his hand in eager anticipation.

Clearly, it's not just the scapegoat expenses officials who show a 'culture of deference', eh?

.

Such dramatic, exciting news this week!

There are a group of men, in most civilised nations, whose job it is - rather than to make things, or build things, or help other people - to kick an inflated plastic sphere around a small field.

Because it is so very difficult to kick a ball about in the mud, and because it is so very fascinating to watch, these 'players' are paid millions of pounds for doing so. Nearly as much as bankers.

When relaxing between games, these highly-paid footballers like to drink, buy Range Rovers and have sex with very attractive young ladies - models, waitresses, sixth formers and contestants from televisons 'Big Brother'.

Because most of these ball-kickers have great big houses and drink nothing but vintage champagne, a lot of ladies are very happy to let them do this to them, and in fact go out of their way to find the ball-kickers. These ladies are known vulgarly as 'WAG's, because of the phrase they use when meeting a footballer: "Want a go?" Some even let several ball-kickers have a go at the same time, for which the newspaper The Sun will often pay them thousands of pounds.

Every few years, the few players that actually have a connection with England are recalled from wherever they are currently working - Italy, Spain, the United States, B&Q, television studios - and a team is formed to contest with other international teams for a 'World Cup'

The leader or 'Captain' of the England team is Mr Terry, who normally plays with a lot of Africans for a Russian Team called Chelsea.

But recently - and here comes the exciting bit - Mr Terry has misbehaved.

Mr Terry already had one of these ladies, a WAG, installed at his enormous home. But one of Mr Terry's ball-kicking friends had another WAG of his own - the same shape, but with different coloured hair - and Mr Terry thought he would like to have a go on her. Being a WAG, she was very happy to let him, so she agreed.

But then - oh no! - the WAG that Mr Terry had at home found out. And she was angry. And then Mr Terry's friend's WAG didn't know what to do, until Mr Max Clifford, an expert in these matters, told her. So she told everybody in the world what had happened, which was the right thing to do and gave her 'closure' and made her very rich.

Now it's possible that Mr Terry won't be allowed to be the Captain of the English ball-kickers. Some of the other players, who have often shared a drink or a WAG with Mr Terry, are not happy about this, and think it is not fair. Other people think he should be punished, and a footballer who doesn't drink or have sex with lots of WAGs should be sought out. If possible.

So now nobody knows whether Mr Terry, or some other ball-kicker, will be in charge of the England team

Apparently, the England team were certain to win the World Cup before all this drama began, but now, with a demoralised and confused team, some people are beginning to think the unthinkable. Yes: it is possible that they will be knocked out on penalties in an early round.

This usually happens because Mr Terry's friend Mr Beckham has broken something in his foot whilst kicking his boney WAG in the ribs; or because Mr Terry's other friend Mr Rooney has been arrested for biting a bouncer in a brothel (or 'WAG-warehouse') in Liverpool.

It looks like England will be heartbroken again.

And all because of Mr Terry's friend's WAG.

Who said football was boring?

Poor, poor Sally Bercow. She didn't choose to bemarried to an enormously ambitious career politician. She didn't choose to live in sumptuous, taxpayer-funded luxury in the middle of London.

And now she's suffering for it. Yes, poor little Sally is sad, because someone has 'Twittered' something about her.

Yes, the excellent @eyespymp Twitter character, which provides regular updates on the trivial movements and behaviour of those in the Westminster village, has mentioned her a couple of times. And she doesn't like it:

"I am not an MP. I just live here. So stop reporting my movements."

Oh, pass that onion. We're fillin' up.

No, Sally, you're not an MP. But you've already announced that you'd like to be. In spite of your early days as a Conservative supporter, you've decided to stand as a Labour MP, haven't you?

And as a prospective MP, you love any publicity, don't you?

After all, this is the Sally Bercow who was all over the press a few weeks ago with tales of her binge drinking. Not rumbled by an undercover reporter - oh no - she gave a full and frank interview, where we got to hear all about it.

How she drank at lunch time, carried on drinking in the evening, and often ended the night out flat on her back staring at the ceiling of whoever bought her last drink. Lovely.

Where was your reticence then, eh? Why weren't we protected by your modesty from all that crap?

And, so shy is poor Sally, that virtually every one of these pieces was illustrated by a 'photo of her, simpering like the late Diana, in a tiny mini-skirt, legs to the fore. We've seen more upskirt action from Ms. Bercow than from a dodgy Japanese porn-site.

And as for 'stop reporting my movements', well, pardon our gasps at your hypocrisy. This is the same Sally Bercow who has set up a Twitter account for herself, to join Kerry and Ellie, boasting that her location is 'Under Big Ben' (just like the old day's, eh Sally? Did Ben send over a bottle of Chardonnay?)

So far Sally has Tweeted over two hundred times. She has nearly 1,500 followers, and recently shared with them such gems as:

"Now going to Starbucks 2 cheer myself up with chocolate cake"

and

"Lunchtime. The kids will only eat food they've seen advertised on TV"

and

"..I drive a Volvo."

and

"I am going out now. To do school run."

There are plenty, plenty more. All from the woman who really doesn't want her movements reported.

'Now going to Starbucks'. Where did you think those Tweets were going, Sally?

When @eyespymp pointed out that all this was .. err .. tough shit, she snapped back, but in her anger, her true agenda leaked through:

"You are not being v. nice. You are clearly a bunch of Tories."

For fuck's sake. Even when whining self-piteously, even with only 140 characters to play with, she can't resist a little 'on message' dig at the eeevil Tories. 'You're nasty, you must be a Tory'. Top quality debate, Sal'.
 
What a mixture. Relentless self-promotion, cynically on-message,  a large helping of hypocrisy?

Oh, you're going to make a great Labour MP.

.