Oh Darling, what are you talking about?

Alastair Darling is whacking those eeeeevil Banks with additional taxes. To 'claw money back'.

Oh Darling. What the fuck is the point of creating this new tax? It raises - in the grand scheme of the money you've pissed up the wall - virtually fuck all. This is just more kneejerk, populist, mainstream-media driven bollocks, is it not?

Although actually, Darling, this probably wasn't your idea at all, is it? No. We can guess where this little gem originated.

You're unfortunate enough to have for a boss the most resentful, spiteful, jealous and embittered man ever to enter into politics. There's no doubt that this envy-driven idea came straight from his fucking nasty little mind.

So, Darling, why didn't you grow a pair and tell him where to shove this ridiculous fucking idea?

Or, if you daren't do that  for fear that growing balls will just get you replaced by Balls, why not ask McBroon to think about the detail of this utterly fucking unworkable idea?

Ask him: to whom does this tax apply, exactly? What is a 'Banker'? Is this anybody in Financial Services? What about a senior manager in a Retail bank, not involved in the crisis? Do they get hit? What about Merchant Bankers?

What about Hedge funds? Do the managers get taxed? They each make millions. But not always in 'bonuses'. How will you tax them?

What about senior people in the Insurance industry? They play with huge sums on the markets, and make huge bonuses, but they're not 'bankers'.

What about the traders on the trading desks in the treasuries of enormous corporations, who trade solely to hedge against price movements in the commodities they sell? Do you even know about them? BP has a large trading desk, and the traders are paid bonuses, but they work for a fucking oil company. Do they get taxed?

What about all those organisations that support trading and provide liquidity? What about Soft Brokers? What about 'Locals' on exchanges? What about Asset Management companies? Do you even know what the fuck those things are?

And what, exactly, do you think you will be taxing?

If bonuses are deferred over several years - as you wanted - will you only tax the tiny bit vesting in year 1? Because this is only a 1 year tax, isn't it? So won't you tax the rest? Have you even fucking thought about that?

The banks are supposed to pay bonuses in stock, aren't they? How will you tax the stock? Will you mark it to market? At what point? Or will you tax on nominal purchase price? If you do, who sets that?

Those are just a few of the questions you need to ask Gordo, Darling.

He won't know any of the answers, and nor will you. That's because this is not a sensible financial plan: it's a little bit of jealous footstamping, and a pathetic fucking populist sop.

Can CF make an alternative suggestion to you and Mr McBroon?

Fuck. Right. Off.

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What a fucking pathetic attempt, Darling.

'Leaking' (yeah, right) your little announcement just before the man who will shortly be taking your job speaks at the Conservative Conference. Did you really think, Darling, that anybody would be fooled by your announcement? A feeble attempt to detract from the Tories?

You don't intend to execute the plan to freeze Civil Servant's salaries, do you Darling?

In fact, you know bloody well that you won't be a position to dictate anybody's salary by "mid 2010". You'll be fucking lucky if you even have a salary of your own by then.

Perhaps the occasional appearance fee for GMTV, when you'll tell us "what George should be doing" between the weather and an interview with Kerry Katona.

In the meantime, stop wasting our time with your pathetic tribal attacks. Why don't you just get on with your own fucking job, Darling?

Why don't you concentrate on trying to get the nation out of the recession your boss and predecessor caused, Darling? Is it because you don't know how?

But here's the worst of it: did you hear, Darling, what David Cameron said about your little student politics announcement?

"cynical in timing and quite insubstantial in content""

If CallMeDave can legitimately say that about you, you know you've fucked up.

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