Who's a Banker, Darling? #pbr

Oh Darling, what are you talking about?

Alastair Darling is whacking those eeeeevil Banks with additional taxes. To 'claw money back'.

Oh Darling. What the fuck is the point of creating this new tax? It raises - in the grand scheme of the money you've pissed up the wall - virtually fuck all. This is just more kneejerk, populist, mainstream-media driven bollocks, is it not?

Although actually, Darling, this probably wasn't your idea at all, is it? No. We can guess where this little gem originated.

You're unfortunate enough to have for a boss the most resentful, spiteful, jealous and embittered man ever to enter into politics. There's no doubt that this envy-driven idea came straight from his fucking nasty little mind.

So, Darling, why didn't you grow a pair and tell him where to shove this ridiculous fucking idea?

Or, if you daren't do that  for fear that growing balls will just get you replaced by Balls, why not ask McBroon to think about the detail of this utterly fucking unworkable idea?

Ask him: to whom does this tax apply, exactly? What is a 'Banker'? Is this anybody in Financial Services? What about a senior manager in a Retail bank, not involved in the crisis? Do they get hit? What about Merchant Bankers?

What about Hedge funds? Do the managers get taxed? They each make millions. But not always in 'bonuses'. How will you tax them?

What about senior people in the Insurance industry? They play with huge sums on the markets, and make huge bonuses, but they're not 'bankers'.

What about the traders on the trading desks in the treasuries of enormous corporations, who trade solely to hedge against price movements in the commodities they sell? Do you even know about them? BP has a large trading desk, and the traders are paid bonuses, but they work for a fucking oil company. Do they get taxed?

What about all those organisations that support trading and provide liquidity? What about Soft Brokers? What about 'Locals' on exchanges? What about Asset Management companies? Do you even know what the fuck those things are?

And what, exactly, do you think you will be taxing?

If bonuses are deferred over several years - as you wanted - will you only tax the tiny bit vesting in year 1? Because this is only a 1 year tax, isn't it? So won't you tax the rest? Have you even fucking thought about that?

The banks are supposed to pay bonuses in stock, aren't they? How will you tax the stock? Will you mark it to market? At what point? Or will you tax on nominal purchase price? If you do, who sets that?

Those are just a few of the questions you need to ask Gordo, Darling.

He won't know any of the answers, and nor will you. That's because this is not a sensible financial plan: it's a little bit of jealous footstamping, and a pathetic fucking populist sop.

Can CF make an alternative suggestion to you and Mr McBroon?

Fuck. Right. Off.



Anonymous said...

'Fraid this doesn't chime with me CF as I fucking hate Bankers , from the cunts at the top to the cunts on the service desk,.They are all cunts. Despite the fact I and everyone else have bailed the fuckers out to the tune of around £40,000 a head because of their utter utter fucking reckless incompetence, they are still sending me out self rightous letters about my measly overdraft and charging me fees that loan sharks could only dream of. Fuvking Cunts the lot of them !!!!

Bristol Dave said...

Bankers are indeed fucking cunts.

But I'm not entirely sure CF is denying the fact, merely pointing out that Darling and Brown are cunts and this idea is completely fucking pointless.

Tom Mein said...

Wonderful article. Cut out the swear words and send it off to the bbc and sky news and see if they will, for once, read out an article written by someone who knows what they are talking about.

Jill said...

Agreed that the idea is utterly spasticated.

However, I don't buy the utter bollocks that these bwankers are going to help create any kind of recovery and deserve my tax money in bonuses. They're not drivers of capitalism; they're a financial oligarchy. No, make that kleptocracy. I'd not tear down their bonuses I'd um... I dunno, take to the streets with my second-hand Kalashnikov. Or something.

Shit, that reference dates me.

Anonymous said...

The underlying problem is that banks are too profitable, they make large margins on a)paying one rate for deposits and charging a higher rate for loans and b) transferring funds. If banks made less then bank users would make more/more would be available to reinvest. Its not hard to fix retruns in an industry - look at the privatised utilities.

Fidothedog said...

Cunts being taxed by other cunts who tax us all. Plenty of rope for one an all of them.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on this one. This isn't just about bankers. What about the IT staff who have to deal with the incessant demands from the bankers. What about the poor guy who has worked well above his allotted hours week in week out to help make his bank profitable (or to make sure that systems are up and running so that the bankers can make the bank profitable). When you work for a salary you usually know how many hours you are expected to work. If you work in IT support for any large bank you have no real idea how many hours you will be expected to contribute from one week to the next...you can guarantee it will never be less than your contracted hours though! I have picked my husband up from work well after midnight...after he started at 7 am the previous day on numerous occasions. Shouldn't this person be worthy of a performance related bonus? Nah...he's a banker ain't he..well he works for a bank doesn't he? I've worked in IT Support as well so do have some idea what I'm talking about. I've had to deal with the despised traders. They are arrogant pigs who are full of their own importance...but they do on the whole make money for their employers. They also work ridiculously long hours giving them very little time for anything resembling a normal family life. So, if I was a trader at say BNP Paribas or Goldman Sachs I would be quite disappointed by todays announcement. I would be quite tempted to move to another country where I would be allowed to earn money without an incompetent Government stealing it from me at every turn.

I didn't see any real fuss made about the MOD paying 47million in bonus to its staff. These guys work their contracted hours and as such should not receive a performance related bonus..especially as I can see no reason for celebrating their success. Maybe you commenters should be redirecting your anger at the bunch of idiots in Westminster.

Anonymous said...

In the grand scheme of things this raises sweet F.A.

However, most of the brainless sheep in this country will fall for it. Again. And then go back to watching Coronation Street Come Ice Skating.

I don't think people realise just how much cash has been p1ssed up the wall by the incompetent socialists. Just like the last time. And give it 20 years, and they'll do it all over again.

Anonymous said...

As a front-line NHS worker, I'm just impressed by the hike in income tax (sorry, national insurance, it isn't the same thing at all is it?) and the 2 year 1% cap on my only just over £20k salary. Am I utterly fucking stupid, or has this cunt has just given me a pay cut?

Thanks a bunch. Fuck you Darling.

casars wife said...

Whilst darlings gutless reporting , planning and running of the UK is "not wot chancellors used to do" CW hopes than CF readers will understand that things didnt used to be like this .
Only 12 years ago , caught with your hand in the till or a roasting from the BOE governer was sufficient to resign and in some case end of career , my my how things have changed .

But to the bankers the sorry light roasting of in parliamenatry commitee, Hornby, goodwin and mckilliop was perhaps the worst bit of goverment propgated contemptable greed, ever seen , just say sorry ,keep massive pension and golden goodbye (all done by paul myners still in ajob as well), just sit there , say sorry and try and look incompetant .

the only banker who has asked the banks to show contrition is John varley (barclays chairman) , who thought the banks should say thankyou for being saved by the taxpayer .

Again everyone gets hung up on the bailout , as astonishing as these figures and the liability insurances are , the real damage has been lay offs , the lack of small bsuiness credit and the loss of tax reciepts. It is bail out that teeters on a beaching , for a large sum of tax payer money , has gone on a part of the economy that will have losses that do not generate tax recipts , for perhaps nearly a decade , so its being paid by banking services screwing us , for repayments that will not appear for some time , a sell off my enable the bailout money to be returned , but not the missing years of much needed tax recipts or jobs .

so just remeber everytime you see goodwin,appleagrth, hornby and mackillop clips , just how much there pensions and lavish lifestyles cost us , all enabled by gordon browns running of the economy as chancellor.

think of all those ordianry peoples lives , blown away on each multi million pound "sorry" they utter out of there smug moment , think of paul myners gordon brown allistair darling ,liam byrne all cockwaffling about the bust wasnt there fault .

Anonymous said...

CF para 5 is so spot on. After having weighed up all his actions so far in politics this is the only fair conclusion as to the working of the man's mind.