The Polar bears. Oh dear, oh dear, what will become of them?
So many people now want to wring their hands about that terrible climate change, and its effect on the poor, poor, polar bears, that they're having to use a whole town to get together in.
The lucky town is wonderful Københaven, where tens of thousands of wailing tree-huggers, disreputable scientists, opportunistic politicians and slack-jawed luvvies are gathering, to wind each other up to fever pitch.
But these big conferences take money. Lots of money. And polar bears, lovable though they are, don't have a whole heap of cash.
Luckily, kindly corporate sponsors have stepped in, to save the big white bears' blushes. Here's a big bag of corporate cash: help yourselves, greenies!
And what a glittering array of climate lovin' sponsors there are. The full list is on the COP15 official website, but to save you trailing your carbon footprints all the way over there, here are some of the better known:
What? Would that be the BMW makes all those eevil motor cars? The BMW who owns Rolls Royce, and with them produces a car that has a 6.75 litre V-12 engine and struggles to do 11 poxy miles per gallon? That BMW?
The BMW whose woeful attempt at a 'green' car, the Hydrogen 7, put as much strain on the environment as a heavy truck with a diesel engine? That BMW? Oh dear.
And who else?
What the fuck? DHL: the company that runs an absolutely fucking enormous fleet of vans and motorbikes and .. wait for it ... over 350 aeroplanes?
The DHL that will happily courier three sheets of A4 paper right across the fucking world for the right price?
Really? And who else?
Eh? The Mercedes Benz that made every single smoke-belching taxi on the streets of Lagos, Nairobi and any other African town? The company that makes all the massive limo's that ferry 'very important' people about?
Mind you, Mercedes stand to benefit hugely from this conference. When the wealthy nations drop their billions of guilt-dollars onto the developing countries that have been whining about the effects of global warming, what's the very fucking first thing those countries' leaders will do? Yeah: buy themselves a fleet of big fuck-off shiny black Mercedes. Ironic? Nah, inevitable.
Now, who's this?
Pardon? Would this be the Volvo that makes the XC90, a car that weighs slightly more than the garage it's kept in, and costs nearly ninety quid to fill with gallons and gallons and fucking gallons of diesel?
The same Volvo that makes thousands of Marine engines every year, including the enormous engines that drive offshore powerboats? The sort of powerboats like the SeaRay, that consumes 36 gallons per hour. Per fucking hour. Them?
Anyone else want to sponsor this Climate Change worry-fest? Oh yes:
The Honda that not only churns out endless crappy, polluting rust buckets but - just to ice the not-very-green cake - makes the preposterously huge and thirsty engines for ... yup: Formula 1.
Yes, Formula 1, that ultra-green pursuit of driving extremely powerful cars round and round in circles to entertain the public.
And then, the crowning glory, the best of the best:
What the quite-literally-flying fuck? Scandinavian Airlines. What is it they do again? Do they make wellington boots for sheep that live near the coast? No. The clue is in the name.
They fly people from place to place, in gigantic metal tubes. They're recently flown tens of thousands of people into Denmark, so that they can all sit down and work out exactly where all that horrid co2 is coming from.
Perhaps, just perhaps, one of the sponsors might be able to tell them?
For fuck's sake.
++ UPDATE ++ The Lazy Hyena has blogged on this too (via Guido Fawkes)