Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear. Poor ol' Harriet 'Hattie' Harman has had her Twitter account hacked. That poor, poor woman. Imagine how she must feel.

But hang on. Why the fuck would anyone bother? The woman is quite infuriating and tedious enough, in equal measure, without any need to misrepresent her.

But 'attie's aint 'appy. Apparently, Mizzzzzz Harperson said that the security of Twitter and other social media sites widely used by MPs was 'a serious matter'.

"There is a real issue here. We have got to sort this thing out."

Oh, do fuck off, Hattie. It's not a 'real issue', it's fucking Twitter, for Christ's sake. A kid's toy.

Being hungry, or bankrupt, or the victim of a mugging is a 'real issue'. Not your sad little attempts to engage with real, non-privately educated people through the magic of the Interwebs. No-one gives a shit about that.

What we care about is the state of this unfortunate country, and the ruination bought upon it by you and your fuckwitted colleagues.

Why don't you sort some of that shit out, you silly bitch?

.

Poor, poor Sally Bercow. She didn't choose to bemarried to an enormously ambitious career politician. She didn't choose to live in sumptuous, taxpayer-funded luxury in the middle of London.

And now she's suffering for it. Yes, poor little Sally is sad, because someone has 'Twittered' something about her.

Yes, the excellent @eyespymp Twitter character, which provides regular updates on the trivial movements and behaviour of those in the Westminster village, has mentioned her a couple of times. And she doesn't like it:

"I am not an MP. I just live here. So stop reporting my movements."

Oh, pass that onion. We're fillin' up.

No, Sally, you're not an MP. But you've already announced that you'd like to be. In spite of your early days as a Conservative supporter, you've decided to stand as a Labour MP, haven't you?

And as a prospective MP, you love any publicity, don't you?

After all, this is the Sally Bercow who was all over the press a few weeks ago with tales of her binge drinking. Not rumbled by an undercover reporter - oh no - she gave a full and frank interview, where we got to hear all about it.

How she drank at lunch time, carried on drinking in the evening, and often ended the night out flat on her back staring at the ceiling of whoever bought her last drink. Lovely.

Where was your reticence then, eh? Why weren't we protected by your modesty from all that crap?

And, so shy is poor Sally, that virtually every one of these pieces was illustrated by a 'photo of her, simpering like the late Diana, in a tiny mini-skirt, legs to the fore. We've seen more upskirt action from Ms. Bercow than from a dodgy Japanese porn-site.

And as for 'stop reporting my movements', well, pardon our gasps at your hypocrisy. This is the same Sally Bercow who has set up a Twitter account for herself, to join Kerry and Ellie, boasting that her location is 'Under Big Ben' (just like the old day's, eh Sally? Did Ben send over a bottle of Chardonnay?)

So far Sally has Tweeted over two hundred times. She has nearly 1,500 followers, and recently shared with them such gems as:

"Now going to Starbucks 2 cheer myself up with chocolate cake"

and

"Lunchtime. The kids will only eat food they've seen advertised on TV"

and

"..I drive a Volvo."

and

"I am going out now. To do school run."

There are plenty, plenty more. All from the woman who really doesn't want her movements reported.

'Now going to Starbucks'. Where did you think those Tweets were going, Sally?

When @eyespymp pointed out that all this was .. err .. tough shit, she snapped back, but in her anger, her true agenda leaked through:

"You are not being v. nice. You are clearly a bunch of Tories."

For fuck's sake. Even when whining self-piteously, even with only 140 characters to play with, she can't resist a little 'on message' dig at the eeevil Tories. 'You're nasty, you must be a Tory'. Top quality debate, Sal'.
 
What a mixture. Relentless self-promotion, cynically on-message,  a large helping of hypocrisy?

Oh, you're going to make a great Labour MP.

.

Cripes! Boris 'BoJo' Johnson is in trouble again, according to the Guardian.

Apparently, ecstatic that the Sun had switched to the Tories a couple of weeks ago, BoJo exuberantly 'twittered':

"The Sun has got his hat on, hip hip hip hip hooray"

Pretty harmless, you might think. Childish, but no lives lost. Mild case of tosser, but he may well recover.

But no.

Not to those sad, pointless fuckwits whose entire empty lives are defined by their hatred of 'The Tories', 'Old Etonians' and especially Boris himself, a Tory Old Etonian.

One of them decided to - anonymously, of course - complain. Or rather 'A complaint was lodged', as these po-faced nasties like to put it. The complaint was 'referred to the GLA panel'

The committee 'decided not to take the matter further' and (here comes the science tedious part):

".. opted for a letter of guidance from City Hall's deputy chief executive, Jeff Jacobs, to the mayor highlighting the clause that stipulates that "when using or authorising the use by others of the resources by your authority, ensure that such resources are not used improperly for political purposes"

Blah Blah. Boris got a bollocking for wasting time on Twitter.

The Grauniad, always happy to spread bad news, as long as it involves a Tory, headlined this as:

"Johnson receives formal warning after using Twitter for party purposes"

Meanwhile, on the other side of the fence, Kerry McCarthy, @kerrymp as she is (for a couple more months) known, Labours official 'Twitter Csar', has had a lot of harmless fun on Twitter.

Hilarious career Geordie and professional randomer Ross Noble encouraged his mindless 'followers' to Tweet @kerrymp some questions. And the game girl didn't back down:

"The Bristol East MP announced she would try to reply to as many of the tweets as possible, and over six hours answered more than 100 questions.

"Asked if she would wear a gorilla suit to parliament, she replied: "I don't think it's expressly forbidden, I could give it a try?"

Oh, what larks!

But hang on, Guardian. Isn't there a teeny, tiny contrast in the reaction we're 'supposed' to have to these two stories?

Boris is abusing and squandering resources with his single tweet, whereas Kerry is just such huge fun with her 100+ tweets.

Very slight whiff of hyprocrisy there? Perhaps?

And what's even odder? What highlights the tiny imbalance? These two stories are not just in the same paper, not just on the same day, not just on the same page, but both in the same fucking piece. This piece.

Irony? Lost on the Guardian.

_

What a week the Twittersphere is having! After the triumphant pounding delivered to Carter-Ruck, causing them to withdraw their injunctions and limp back to Holborn whimpering, Friday has seen another display of raw Twitter-power, this time against the Daily Mail, rather than for the Gruaniad.

In her latest spewings, the ghastly Jan Moir of that Daily Mail  - and what the fuck goes on in that vile bitches head? - has concluded that pop star Stephen Gately died, and probably deserved to die, because he was one of those revolting gayers.

In an article filled with innuendo, dripping with poison, she tries to draw us all to her ridiculous conclusions that he died because he was, you know, not normal.

No need to repeat it all here, as its been comprehensively fisked by Anton Vowl over at The enemies of reason, but those who are too lazy to go there (no, you should) here are the highlights:

"Whatever the cause of death is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one."

"..those idols live a life that is shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice"

"..household names out there with secret and not-so-secret troubles .. damaging habits both past and present"

"33-year-old men do not just climb into their pyjamas and go to sleep on the sofa, never to wake up again. "

"After a night of clubbing, Cowles and Gately took a young Bulgarian man back to their apartment. It is not disrespectful (like fuck it isn't) to assume that a game of canasta with 25-year-old Georgi Dochev was not what was on the cards."

On and on it goes, prejudice, hate and resentment oozing from her fingertips. Why don't you try something similar about them Muslims, Jan? We'll collect your body parts after the weekend.

But of course, as well as going in the tawdry rag in W H Smiths, this crap went online. And shit, the Twittersphere's not havin' any of that.

People got busy, twitters were sent, the issue rocketed up in profile. An ironic -although not overly subtle - hashtag, #thedailymailisgay, sprung up.

Tweets were directed to the advertisers on the web page, urging them to look at what they were squatting next to. BT, Marks and Spencers' and Visit England were all contacted, and one-by-one decided that, no, this was perhaps not part of their corporate image. Ads began to disappear.

Eventually, the monkeys running the Daily Mail's website realised what was going on, and pulled all of the adverts. Moir's piece now floats - if it hasn't been pulled completely by now - in an ocean of non-revenue generating whitespace.

Twitter may be trivial, tedious and pointless most of the time, but when it comes to dealing with sad,  hate-filled fascists like Jan Moir:

Twitter For The Win!!



++ UPDATE ++  Fuckin' 'ell : CF finds himself, for once, in agreement with Alastair fucking Campbell, who fisks the article, and the following semi-apology, rather well.


_

CF likes to know what's going on in the world, and in the tiny minds of the cretins that populate it. Twitter is a handy way of hearing the voices of the many. Feel free to click to follow CF's random ejaculations.

The HouseOfTwits is a useful aggregator - it repeats the 'Tweets' of a large number of people involved in the foetid politics of this once-great nation.

One such tweet floated up in front of CF's eyes this morning:

"Be further annoyed you oppositionists. Brown economic plan continues to work"

The tweet also had a link to a piece in the FT. Which didn't mention the UK economy or Gordon Brown at all.

What it did say - midst some pretty tedious American tractor stats - was that demand for oil in China had increased slightly in recent months, which may (may) indicate that some recovery is underway there. What the fuck has that got to do with Broon?

So this particular Twitterer, a Labour councillor and clearly a fucking demented Labour supporter, either genuinely believes that the Chinese recovery (if there is one) is thanks to Gordon Brown's policies. Jesus H. Christ. OR - worse still - doesn't actually believe that at all, but thinks that we're all so fucking thick that we'll swallow that pathetic fucking propaganda whole and decide to vote Labour once more?

Dear god.