Gordon Brown, the Labour party's very own Billy Liar, has just been on Radio 4's World at One describing 'his' (think of it all by yourself, did you?) plans for an Independent Audit body and various other platitudinous guff.
He's promised (as if his promises were worth anything) a "root and branch" reform of Parliament: the government is to outline new laws to regulate MPs troughing and general conduct. Apparently, there'll be legislation to set up an external body to authorise future expenses claims and to discipline naughty MPs.
According to the Preacher's boy, Parliament will no longer be able to determine MPs' allowances: responsibility for the system will be transferred from the fuckwitted Fees Office to an independent body.
As boastful as he is dishonest, Brown told a presumably smiling, nodding and drooling BBC interviewer that this is "the biggest ever reform of Parliament". Yeah, and this is the biggest ever fucking stable door we're closing. Where's the horse?
And hang on a fucking minute. Isn't this stuff exactly what Hattie Harperson is due to announce in a Statement this afternoon?
So McBroon, for short-term personal advantage, has waddled down to Broadcasting House and pre-announced matters that are to be formally announced in the House of Commons. What will the Speaker think of that?
Lifting his head briefly from the trough, in his recent 'personal political broadcast' on ePolitix, NuSpeaker Bercow said:
"Parliament needs to control the government and that means that in terms of the parliamentary timetable, it shouldn't just be determined by the business managers .. [we will] ensure a decent spread of business and use of parliamentary time and opportunities for backbenchers across the whole of the parliamentary week"
To 'facilitate' this, NuSpeaker Bercow is widely reported as stating firmly that he will very unhappy with ministers who pre-announce on the radio or telly before Parliament, one of the most egregious Labour habits. In fact, to use his own words in the House:
""Once and for all, ministers must be obliged to make key policy statements here.""
This is really only so that he can whore his own smug face 'round the media without having to share the microphone, but ignoring his selfish desire for the limelight, most would agree that the Commons should debate policy before John Humphreys does.
Fellow media-lovin' Tory Iain Dale reminds Bercow that he :
".. should start as he means to go on. The first time a government minister announces a policy on the Today Programme, he should be hauled before the Commons to explain himself. Although he must be given a little time to find his feet, he also needs to send a clear signal that the House is now under new management."
And, in his triumphant post-election interview with the BBC, Bercow was asked outright whether he would be prepared to discipline the prime minister and the leader of the opposition. His answer? "Quite."
So Bercow, my boy, what are you going to do now? Give the big boy a bollocking? Or hide under your new chair?
UPDATE: as is so often the case, great minds think alike: both Paul Waugh at the Evening Standard and Iain Dale at everywhere-you-fucking-look are thinking the same thing. Best pop over and read their versions too: they need the traffic, and CF's happy to share.