The Mirror is a tedious and tendentious rag and CF never has - and never will - paid money for a copy. However, whilst trawling the web for entertainment and enlightenment, the latest nonsense to be published in the Sunday Mirror came to light.
Gordon Brown has taken some time off from shining Peter Mandelson's shoes and penned a short piece for the Mirror. In it, he describes his bold vision for Britain and the ambitious programme of legislation he has lined up to help bring the recession to an end and really improve the lives of all Britons.
Does he? Of course he fucking doesn't. What he actually does is churn out his endlessly repetitive fucking lies about "Tory cuts".
"We now know that the Tories want to cut public spending by a savage 10 per cent. They have finally revealed what their true priorities are: a cuts plan that is wide, deep and immediate"
They're your fucking cuts, Gordo. Cuts you know you've planned already. Your tame chancellor read them out in the last budget, remember? This was before he'd grown a pair and told you where to go, so your figures tripped out of his mouth and then vanished into the small print without anyone noticing.
And they're cuts that any government in 2010 would need to make, after you spent over 10 years of pissing cash up the wall like a lottery winner with learning difficulties.
But you don't see that do you, Broon? Or in fact, you do see that, you see it very fucking well, but you're not going to admit it before hell freezes over.
You can't fucking stop yourself spinning and lying. You want us to believe that the Tories, when they take over the sweaty, shit-stained driving seat from you and your hopeless cronies, will make these cuts ..
"..in order to fund a £200,000 tax cut for the 3,000 richest families."
For fuck's sake. How stupid do you think we are, Gord?
"David Cameron – Mr 10 Per Cent – would actually make the recession worse, by slowing public spending at exactly the time we need it most."
Yup. You do think we're all terminally thick, if you think we're going to buy your version of events. In fact, you think we're so desperately dumb, that we don't know what a cut even means. So, explain it to us as if we were 7 years old, would you, McBroon?
"And the impact wouldn’t just be felt in our national economy, but at the level it matters most in your school, your hospital, your neighbourhood. Cuts of 10 per cent would mean 44,000 fewer teachers, 15,000 fewer police, 10,000 fewer soldiers and, each year, 32,000 fewer university places. Those aren't just numbers on the page, but real jobs hanging in the balance."
Gosh, Gordie, those Tories are just evil, aren't they. Why are they doing this again? You said so a minute ago, but we're so dense, we've forgotten already, so just remind us, please?
"They will cut the services you and I rely on so that they can redistribute resources to the 3,000 richest estates in the country."
At this point, dear readers, CF will have to take a stiff drink and lie in a darkened room.
How the fuck can a grown man, supposedly in a position of responsibility, trot out these barefaced lies?
And how the fucking fuck can what pretends to be a proper mainstream newspaper print them?
And how the fucking fucking fuck can anybody, anywhere, of any political persuasion actually be expected to believe that complete shitstorm of lies, exaggerations and bollocks?