Frenzied excitement sweeps the nation as Gordon Brown's great reshuffle commences.
"Last chance for Brown", cry the media; "Last ditch for Gordon", oblivious to the fact that we all know the bastard has no intention of going anywhere, regardless of who quits and when.
Plenty of time to re-arrange the deckchairs on this vessel. Icebergs are forbidden by the party's constitution. And even if an iceberg is struck, it can't be the Captain's fault - he's getting on with the job, sailing us to a new better land.
So the reshuffle details dribble out. The BBC are fucking desperate to inject some drama. Great big red 'n' white scrolling text on the website front page: "BREAKING NEWS: bloke to stay in same job". OMG! Be still my pounding heart.
But hang on, what was that? Did someone whisper something? Speak up? What did you say?
"The Metropolitan Police says it is 'highly unlikely' any MPs will be successfully prosecuted over expenses."
What the fuck? Did Scotland Yard really just tell us that they're going to let 'em all off? Well isn't that just fucking fine and dandy?
While we're all distracted watching that bastard sack of fucking weasels that is our current Government scratching and spitting and fighting for their survival, last weeks huge, world-changing, unseen-ever-before, only-in-your-Daily-Telegraph story is quietly being used to wrap our chips.
Last week we believed that Hazel Blear was a very bad chipmunk, who'd lied to HMRC and actively evaded paying tax until the spotlight shone upon (well, just above) her little red head. "Too late to pay it back now, love - you're going down".
Now we all think she's a feisty wee thing, who was brave enough to stand up to the vile McDoom, all the while sporting a hilariously funny little badge about 'rocking the boat'. Oh my sides..
Last week we were convinced that Alastair Darling was going to be fired, arrested, hung, drawn and quartered and then spend eternity roasting in the bad fire. He flipped houses four fucking times, squeezing every damn penny he could from us.
A week later, we've forgotten all that nonsense, and now we're mildly impressed that his eyebrows stood up to Gordon Brown's tantrums, and in spite of endless threats and promises, he remains firmly in the job he wants, in charge of our fucking money.
The cunt who had the brass fucking neck to charge us for an accountant so he didn't pay too much tax.
How quickly we forget..