After a meeting of the emergency planning committee Cobra, the Prime Minister once again strode onto the stage, and announced to a grateful nation that he was doing everything he could to help hard-working-but-vacationing families.
Yes, HMS Ark Royal and HMS Ocean, presumably that last 2 boats left in our dramatically depleted Navy, will be used to bring home those poor people, suffering the unbearable, intolerable agonies of missing a couple of days work / school / signing on whilst stuck overseas.
Said Broon, holding up his chin and gazing heroically to the far horizon:
"I expect Ocean to be in the Channel today. I expect the Ark Royal to be moving towards the Channel later.”
You 'expect' do you Gordon?. Oh, those spin doctors: the devious bastards never miss a trick, do they? When talking about marine matters, chuck in the word 'expect'; use it repeatedly: it evokes memories of our glorious maritime history, and that other one-eyed hero, Nelson. 'Gordon expects that every man will do his duty'. Huzzah!
Never mind that these dirty great boats consume fuel like Prescott swilling champagne, and that we're paying for the petrol, eh? The important thing is the gesture. Once again, the great Gordo' saves us. He'll start claiming shortly that the Tories 'would have done nothing'.
But hang on, what's this? A dissenting voice? Tim Fish, maritime analyst at Jane’s Information Group, questioned the great Gordo's wisdom, saying:
“They are very large platforms .. it does sound odd to use them as ferries. They are not comfortable by any means. They are not ferries, so they will take longer to load and unload in port"
Well, perhaps he's just being pessimistic. Who cares about discomfort and delay when this is the only way to ... wait, what's this? Chris Jones, spokesman for Brittany Ferries, chimes in:
“We have plenty of spaces on routes between France and the UK"
Oh. Ah. No need to send an enormous warship then? Apparently not.
So, there it is: an empty, grandstanding, look-at-me gesture from Gordon, that will cost us an enormous amount of money, and is not actually, when you look at the details, even fucking necessary.